Sexless Marriage

There is no longer a need to post in this thread. We have both agreed that we will separate and wait for a while to see if there is a chance for reconciliation. This is the best for both of us-
truth is the marriage was over many years ago- I just did not want to face it. I should have moved on at that time,, given her the money (that is all she really wanted anyway) and started over instead of wasting time and hoping against hope.
Now, with this new job, I have something to look forward to and enjoy.

Please do not respond anymore, as this thread is closed.
Thanks to everyone for their kind words.



Greeting to all members of Literotica. I have been a long time reader of Literotica, and have especially enjoyed reading the wisdom from members such as Elian, Sweet Erica, Sir Winston, DVS and CutieMouse.

I am approaching 60, have been married for almost 15 years to an Asian, and have gone through many ups and downs (lost over a half-million plus to crooked real estate agents and crooked attorneys, lost all my retirement, nearly died, now having to start over with nothing to my name except my Social Security).

Please help with some advice. My wife has been using sex to punish me because she blames me for everything that happened to us. To this day, she still keeps throwing it back in my face. Our intimate life has gone down to almost zero. If we have intimacy once every 3-4 months, that is a miracle.
When I try to talk to her about it, she claims that because she is growing older (she is also almost sixty) her body and physical condition is changing and she doesn't want intimacy. I have told her that doctors and medical research have shown for older people, having sex at least once or twice a week is beneficial as it releases endorphins which help heal the body as well as prolong life. She doesn't want to hear that and tells me the medical information is bogus.

The irony is she she claims she doesn't have the time or energy to have any intimacy with me, but yet she has lots of energy to spend time playing with our three dogs and gardening.

I don't want a divorce due to the fact I don't have any legal grounds for it- she has never cheated or been abusive to me.

Any advice you can give me would be greatly appreciated.

It may sound harsh, but seriously: You can be happy she's still on your side.

Biggest advice: no pressure. not even a finger breeze. If you're a man, you have to concentrate on the positive things in your life. You may think, sex is, but that's YOUR point of view. Sex is a reward. So you have to do something that can be rewarded in any way.

Playing with the dogs and gardening IS something positive for her. Accept that. Try to find positive things in her view you can fulfil. Only if she relaxes in her mind, she can relax in bed.


Hope that helps.

I agree with Tom. I am a "newly wed"m just 10 year married, but we haven't had sex since Labor Day 2004. (But who's counting!LOL) If she still loves you, that is the most important thing. She is upset about the changes in your lifestyle & has no one else to blame.

Dear Tom and Prince Albert

Thank you for your replies.

The truth is- she does not love me- loves to constantly belittle me and make fun of me. The only reason she is staying is because she has nowhere else to go.

If she ever came into some money on her own- she would walk away in a heartbeat.
In fact, she constantly tells me that she intends to leave once she qualifies to receive her SS in two years.

I have given her everything she wants- Even to the point of sacrificing for my own situation.

She has no concept of money- spend spend spend- doesn't even think of a word budget.
Every time I tell her we need to be more cognizant of our spending- she throws God into the mix and tells me don't worry- God will provide.

Hope to hear more from you and others.

You sound like you enjoy being a victim. Maybe you should just get a pair and move on with your life.

victorious said:

I don't want a divorce due to the fact I don't have any legal grounds for it- she has never cheated or been abusive to me.

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If that is the only reason you dont want a divorce then I would say you should go for one.
As far as your non-abusive statement goes, from your second post:

The truth is- she does not love me- loves to constantly belittle me and make fun of me.

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That *is* abusive.
You dont sound happy at all, your wife doesnt sound happy at all.
So what exactly is keeping you two together apart from the fact that you dont think you have legal grounds for divorce and she has no place to go?

OK, she doesn't love you.

Be a man.

Leave her.

If you don't, it will turn worse. That's what I can predict for sure. Your kind of relationship is called 'masochism'. It's OK, if you want this. It's hell on earth if you don't.

Reply to Stray Cat

Thanks for posting.
I do not feel like a victim.

Yes, maybe divorce is the answer as you suggest.

But I don't want to kick her to the curb with nothing.

I am not that cruel or mean.

Probably will just wait until we both hit 62 (eligible for SS) and then will move on.
At least she will have something for herself, as will I.

Thanks

victorious said:

Thanks for posting.
I do not feel like a victim.

Yes, maybe divorce is the answer as you suggest.

But I don't want to kick her to the curb with nothing.

I am not that cruel or mean.

Probably will just wait until we both hit 62 (eligible for SS) and then will move on.
At least she will have something for herself, as will I.

Thanks

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Feel so sorry for you! Know exactly how you feel...

Sex is a reward?........

Holy Cow, that's the biggest pile of bull shit I every heard! Sex is an extension of love, it's the most intimate expression one person has for showing their love of another.

I was going to ask if she showed you love and respect in other ways, but you've already answered that in a negative way. Let me ask you, if she belittles you and makes derogatory marks, how are you to have the self-confidence in yourself to start over.

I'm sorry to say it, because I love happy endings, but I would not wait for anything. Man up! At 60 years old you're no spring chicken anymore. You can not afford to wait another 2 years. I have no idea if you have equity in your house or other places, but I would do an assessment of your total worth and come up with a plan for starting over, which would include divorce proceedings.

This maybe the time to go after that dream business or career you've always wanted. Like I said, I have no idea of your financial holdings, but I would certainly not feel any devotion or obligation to someone who has no respect or love for me. I is a lot better to travel into new horizens freely, than to be dragging a lot of dead weight behind you.

nakdsub said:

Holy Cow, that's the biggest pile of bull shit I every heard! Sex is an extension of love, it's the most intimate expression one person has for showing their love of another.

I was going to ask if she showed you love and respect in other ways, but you've already answered that in a negative way. Let me ask you, if she belittles you and makes derogatory marks, how are you to have the self-confidence in yourself to start over.

I'm sorry to say it, because I love happy endings, but I would not wait for anything. Man up! At 60 years old you're no spring chicken anymore. You can not afford to wait another 2 years. I have no idea if you have equity in your house or other places, but I would do an assessment of your total worth and come up with a plan for starting over, which would include divorce proceedings.

This maybe the time to go after that dream business or career you've always wanted. Like I said, I have no idea of your financial holdings, but I would certainly not feel any devotion or obligation to someone who has no respect or love for me. I is a lot better to travel into new horizens freely, than to be dragging a lot of dead weight behind you.

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I agree...dead weight should be dropped in a heartbeat. Devotion, love, and respect for each other should be shared together. If she wants to do her own thing, then let her do it alone. Go find that special someone who really cares for you and gives you everything you desire and need.

nakdsub said:

Holy Cow, that's the biggest pile of bull shit I every heard! Sex is an extension of love, it's the most intimate expression one person has for showing their love of another.

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Depends. Love is not necessarily sex, and sex not necessarily love. You can be happy, if both is the case.

His question, as far as I understood, was about sex.

nakdsub said:

Holy Cow, that's the biggest pile of bull shit I every heard! Sex is an extension of love, it's the most intimate expression one person has for showing their love of another.

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THANK YOU!!

Good lord, I thought I was the only one who read that "sex is a reward" and immediately said, WTF?!

Thanks for the help

Heidi123 said:

Feel so sorry for you! Know exactly how you feel...

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Thank you all who have responded.

I appreciate all of your comments.

I know I need to move on- I just do not have the financial means right now to do it- I have no assets or funds available. Believe me, if I had the funds, I would not wait and do it now!

It is hard to stay, but I will live my life without her.

I will go do my thing, and let her do hers.

I am happy I have a support group of friends on the outside.

Good luck...

There is always a way. I know in this economy it is easier said than done, but get two jobs if you have to. Do what ever it takes. I would also make sure she knows you are going to great lengths to get away from her.

It's just a very, very slim chance, but maybe she would think twice, although, from what you've said, I doubt it.

Set yourself a goal and do what you have to do to achieve it as quickly as possible.

Again, Good luck.

Let us know how things work out.

Pandora73 said:

THANK YOU!!

Good lord, I thought I was the only one who read that "sex is a reward" and immediately said, WTF?!

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I thought that as well.

Sex might not be important in all relationships, but when it's more important to one individual than the other, that's a huge problem. There's never an easy solution, but if divorce is out of the question, I'd recommend doing things away from home. She has her gardening, so maybe you could join some social circle and find some fulfillment outside of her.

At least it will help your self worth.

She's not treating you fairly, and I'm sorry for that.

I told her and she could care less

nakdsub said:

There is always a way. I know in this economy it is easier said than done, but get two jobs if you have to. Do what ever it takes. I would also make sure she knows you are going to great lengths to get away from her.

It's just a very, very slim chance, but maybe she would think twice, although, from what you've said, I doubt it.

Set yourself a goal and do what you have to do to achieve it as quickly as possible.

Again, Good luck.

Let us know how things work out.

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Nakdsub and others:

I just told her and all she could do was tell my how I made her mentally ill and how I I killed our dog. In fact, she said she plans to write a book about how I destroyed her life and was so controlling of her.

She forgets that we moved from a nice, though small house to a larger hell-hole of a house because she wanted a bigger place due to the dogs not having enough space.

She forgets that I have never denied her anything, and any thing she asked I gave her.

She forgets that when her family needed help, I gave them over 10,000 dollars US to help them.

Did I ever receive a thank you from them or her? Never.

I also have told her that from now on, I intend to live in a separate room of the house, away from her completely.

Her life is her gardening and her dogs.

My life is my work in helping others to better themselves in life (I work in counseling, education and legal advocacy for the poor and disabled).

I will focus on what I do, and not allow myself to be her victim.

She can live in her own pity- I refuse to allow that to happen to me.

Find an outlet that you can put your leisure time into when you aren't working and one that brings you satisfaction. It is possible that she sees you as weak or needy as opposed to how she looked at you when things were a lot better financially. Bottom line is do something. Anything. If you cannot afford to divorce than make the separation in your mind. Find something that brings you joy, happiness and satisfaction. If she sees you as moving on and in a better place perhaps she will see you differently. Maybe not but if the love is gone do not let it ruin your life. You still have many good years ahead of you so make it your goal to find a way to enjoy them regardless of your marriage and sex situation.

victorious said:

I just told her and all she could do was tell my how I made her mentally ill and how I I killed our dog. In fact, she said she plans to write a book about how I destroyed her life and was so controlling of her.

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That's usually an indicator of underlying issues that were already present. It's much, much easier to just blame another person rather than face your own issues. If you ask me, she needs some kind of therapy or counseling. I could always be wrong given that you've provided very little info about you, her, and your marriage. Some of the things you have said are very telling signs, however.

I will admit I always want the happy ending too. Maybe it can happen, maybe it can't. In this situation, it sounds like it's over for good. If there's anything you do, don't ever be spiteful to her. Don't ever let her ill-treatment of you suck you in. It's a spiraling black hole that is literally endless. It'll just make things worse. You should be firm and not let her treat you badly, but don't do it in a way that puts the blame on her or looks like you're insulting her just for the sake of it. Best thing for both of you right now is the seperation as you've already stated; limit contact as much as possible.

As others said, find your outlet as well. Find your passion if you don't already have one. It'll be great healing for you. By some miracle, maybe she can heal too. However, in your mind, I would advise you to consider over and not to get your hopes up if that's what you're hoping for. That hope will be crushed by reality if you set yourself up for it.

Thanks for the advice

DeniedByFate said:

That's usually an indicator of underlying issues that were already present. It's much, much easier to just blame another person rather than face your own issues. If you ask me, she needs some kind of therapy or counseling. I could always be wrong given that you've provided very little info about you, her, and your marriage. Some of the things you have said are very telling signs, however.

I will admit I always want the happy ending too. Maybe it can happen, maybe it can't. In this situation, it sounds like it's over for good. If there's anything you do, don't ever be spiteful to her. Don't ever let her ill-treatment of you suck you in. It's a spiraling black hole that is literally endless. It'll just make things worse. You should be firm and not let her treat you badly, but don't do it in a way that puts the blame on her or looks like you're insulting her just for the sake of it. Best thing for both of you right now is the seperation as you've already stated; limit contact as much as possible.

As others said, find your outlet as well. Find your passion if you don't already have one. It'll be great healing for you. By some miracle, maybe she can heal too. However, in your mind, I would advise you to consider over and not to get your hopes up if that's what you're hoping for. That hope will be crushed by reality if you set yourself up for it.

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Denied by Fate:

You are so right on. She indeed has had several breakdowns- suffered in the beginning of the marriage with depression for over 1 and a half years. Told her then to get over it- snap out of it or I was leaving. At the time, she listened. However, now, she could care less what I say.
And frankly, I don't care anymore what she has to say, either.

I doubt she will ever heal. I know I will.

victorious said:

Denied by Fate:

You are so right on. She indeed has had several breakdowns- suffered in the beginning of the marriage with depression for over 1 and a half years. Told her then to get over it- snap out of it or I was leaving.

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Dude, that was so wrong of you. You might not realize it, but it is. You're essentially blaming her for feeling bad for whatever it was. Depression is not something you just "snap out of." You should've sat her down, talked to her in a non-judgemental demeanor, and asked her if she has ever considered therapy to help her with these unresolved feelings of hers. That is the most critical time when a person needs to be supportive. Too little, too late, I guess. What's done is done. The way you've worded that--I hope you realize that wasn't a good way to approach that situation.

As far as now goes...like I said, don't get caught up in some kind of insulting battle with her. It will only worsen things and make both of your lives more miserable than it already is. Silently move along. Maybe even say good morning. She can only hurt you if you let her. If she can't hurt you with malice, then all her power is taken away.

Good luck to both of you. Maybe with a little luck, there's a peaceful resolution to it all.

To Denied by Fate

DeniedByFate said:

Dude, that was so wrong of you. You might not realize it, but it is. You're essentially blaming her for feeling bad for whatever it was. Depression is not something you just "snap out of." You should've sat her down, talked to her in a non-judgemental demeanor, and asked her if she has ever considered therapy to help her with these unresolved feelings of hers. That is the most critical time when a person needs to be supportive. Too little, too late, I guess. What's done is done. The way you've worded that--I hope you realize that wasn't a good way to approach that situation.

As far as now goes...like I said, don't get caught up in some kind of insulting battle with her. It will only worsen things and make both of your lives more miserable than it already is. Silently move along. Maybe even say good morning. She can only hurt you if you let her. If she can't hurt you with malice, then all her power is taken away.

Good luck to both of you. Maybe with a little luck, there's a peaceful resolution to it all.

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Denied by Fate,
Let me clarify something.

When she was going through her depression, I did get her therapy and she was seeing a psychiatrist. For almost 6 months. First, her alone, then me included. During that time, she refused to listen to the psychiatrist. He had her on medication. She refused to take it or continue seeing him. He basically told me there was nothing left for him to do.
He was releasing her from his care.

That is when I told her she needed to snap out of it completely.
And, at the time, she did. Life was then good.

However, after we went through a huge financial setback, that is when it all started falling apart.
She blamed me for the financial setback.
I am sorry she feels that way.

I have cut off all contact with her. I stay in a different room and only talk to her as little as possible.

I even took of my wedding ring.

I know you said divorce was not an option at this point, but I think it's at least prudent to start formulating an exit strategy. See if anyone can recommend someone you can talk to about how to start separating your finances from hers. Things you want to consider if you haven't already: separate bank accounts and credit cards, bills such as cell phones, car insurance and the like that where you can get solo coverage, etc.

Then tell her she's responsible for paying all her own shit. If she's not working, then she needs to get a job, because you will no longer be funding her. And before you come back and say you don't want to be an mean to her and all, fuck that. Why would you carry someone who treats you the way she does? It sounds to me like she checked out a long time ago and you are nothing more than a meal ticket. Who needs that?

I'd get a divorce. No legal grounds? Who cares, what are you wanting from her in the divorce? Kids should be well grown up by that age if you have them, doesn't sound like any fun being in that situation. If she absolutely won't have sex and you need it, then you are missing out on your life I guess. Maybe one of the best things in life. If she absolutely refuses and you can't give it up (notice "can't", the penis shall make it's own decisions). Divorce or live without it.. not much for choices.. still may be without it if you are divorced for that matter... might need to start wanking the monkey a lot. Seriously though, nothing wrong with wanking the monkey.. you can be fucking whoever you want for that short time, and best of all you don't have to listen to anyone bitching and moaning .

Get Over It

Irreconcilable differences is a reason for divorce. Even lack of sex in some states is a valid reason for divorce. Most lawyers offer a free first visit. I suggest you take one up on it.
Also make sure all credit cards, debit cards, bank accounts etc. are either canceled or replaced in your name only. If she feels you are planning a divorce she may go on a spending spree leaving you the one holding the bag.

SEE A LAWYER