Old 07-03-2013, 05:18 PM   #1
Mewo
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What am I?

So basically, I am confused. I have had this "weirdness" (for want of a better word) for a very long time, since school.

It started when I was curious, and I took a pair of my cousins panties. Most nights I would wear them in bed, I would rub myself in them and enjoy the feeling. I had no sexual feelings of that nature for my cousin, but something about womens underwear drove me crazy.

As time (years) went on, I took a bra and a thong. I would start to wear them and rub my cock with them until I came. God it felt good, but I every time afterwards I would feel a wave of shame. Like what I had done was utterly terrible. I guess I didn't understand myself. At one point I was so ashamed that I threw away what I had.

It didn't stop there though. I went to University, and I got a job, and I found that I was able to be much more private and explore myself. I collected all kinds of things to wear and make myself sexy. By this time, I was grown up enough to understand that people can be very different sexually. I still felt a little guilty (or ashamed?) after an orgasm though (infact, I still do sometimes to this day). I collected everything from frilly ballerina tutus to teddies and stockings and corsets. I just loved the feeling of feminine things rubbing against myself. Especially if they were satin or lacy.

I even bought myself a dildo because when I was dressed up, I felt like something was missing. I would fuck myself with the dildo and loved every second. I had even started sharing videos of myself on websites for people to watch. I realised that I really wanted men to watch the videos and cum watching me dress up.

I ended up getting a girlfriend, and we love each other dearly. I know what you are thinking, getting a girlfriend? The poor woman is going to be his beard. I can truly say that I love her, there is no denial about that. I don't know how I can explain it. When I am not dressed up, I am your ordinary computer programmer. When I am dressed up, I turn into a submissive cock lusting slut. It is literally like a switch in my brain. Put on a sexy tanga, and suddenly I want cocks in my mouth and ass.

She ended up finding out about my collection, it was only a matter of time. To my surprise, she was only angry that I had not told her sooner. She has never been truly "into" it, like I am, but she has always been supportive. Which is a lot better than I have heard it go down in forums. She never knew about my dildo, because I had gotten rid of it. I thought that may be too much to explain. Sometimes we have sex and I am dressed up. I cannot help but wish that I had a dick in my mouth while I am with her.

Perhaps I should ask her about a strap-on. I don't know if this is going too far, seeing as she doesn't really appear to be that interested in my fetish. I think that she tolerates it to make me happy. And even then, I do not know if it would satisfy the cravings to be filled with cum and treated like a slut.

What the hell am I? Perhaps I would feel better if I could quantify myself... The closest I can come up with is cross-dresser and bi-sexual.
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Old 07-03-2013, 06:52 PM   #2
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Yes you are a crossdresser obviously, I would say at this point you are only bi-curious, how you imagine it in your fantasies will probably not be the same as reality.
All I can suggest is, that you talk to your girlfriend and be honest.
Good luck
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Old 07-03-2013, 06:59 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by Mewo View Post
What the hell am I? Perhaps I would feel better if I could quantify myself... The closest I can come up with is cross-dresser and bi-sexual.

1. You ain't gay cuz you're attracted to women.

2. You ain't bisexual cuz you aren't attracted to men AND/or women. You just like to think and talk about it.

3. You ain't transgender cuz you implied you aren't and just like to play dress up.



Sooooo, IMO, you MIGHT be bi-curious, but at this point you are at best a cross dressing dildo-sexual.

Thems both be fetishes in my opinion and they have their own forum http://forum.literotica.com/forumdisplay.php?f=58


You might want to check it out and see if there are any like minded "weirdness" people over there you can relate to.

Ain't nobody here but us homos, REAL bisexuals, TGs and assorted queers.

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Old 07-03-2013, 07:13 PM   #4
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Your gf will certainly have a different take because she loves you and… well… the clothes thing is part of you too. But sure, if your plans unbalance your relationship she may ask "What's next?" Can you answer that question yourself?
Silky's right - you should talk to your gf, but go gently when you bring fantasy into reality.
And yes... there is a whole fetish thread but I hope us folks can give you a ((hug)) if you decide to go. Send flowers - we love flowers Like these
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Old 07-03-2013, 07:56 PM   #5
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There is nothing wrong with cross dressing. Honest.

There's nothing despicable or shameful about dressing in women's clothing, because there is nothing shameful about women.

There is nothing shameful about wanting to get fucked. Most women love getting fucked, and more than half of all men do.

Having a sense of sexuality that includes penetration does not make you less of a man.
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Old 07-03-2013, 08:02 PM   #6
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More great advice

from Stella. I told him pretty much the same thing.
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Old 07-03-2013, 10:45 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by Stella_Omega View Post
There is nothing wrong with cross dressing. Honest.

There's nothing despicable or shameful about dressing in women's clothing, because there is nothing shameful about women.

There is nothing shameful about wanting to get fucked. Most women love getting fucked, and more than half of all men do.

Having a sense of sexuality that includes penetration does not make you less of a man.
*hugs*

Beautifully said, as always, dearest Stella!

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Old 07-03-2013, 10:50 PM   #8
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Isn't she great?

I'm going to file that somewhere. It's so RIGHT.
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Old 07-03-2013, 10:53 PM   #9
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I can't tell you how many times I've wished I could reach through my computer and give Stella a giant hug!!
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Old 07-04-2013, 12:33 AM   #10
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I just think a lot of guys would feel much happier about themselves if they weren't thinking that they should be transsexual on account of their collection of frillies.

Our culture is so horribly binary. There is only black and white and-- fifty shades of grey LOL But you know that LGBT rainbow? That's what human experience is. And the spectrum doesn't only travel between red and violet-- it goes side to side too, between pastel and inky dark...

Anyways, please, feel free to spread that thought around, no need to credit me. People need to hear it!
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Old 07-04-2013, 11:01 AM   #11
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Originally Posted by Stella_Omega View Post
Our culture is so horribly binary. There is only black and white and-- fifty shades of grey LOL But you know that LGBT rainbow? That's what human experience is. And the spectrum doesn't only travel between red and violet-- it goes side to side too, between pastel and inky dark...
http://www.thegenderbook.com/the-book/4553374748
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Old 07-04-2013, 11:20 AM   #12
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what

What Stella said in double or tripe.
Plus, there is something in us that wants to name "it" or identify "it". To me, getting a name for your situation is similar to asking "why". The answer may be satisfying in some way but you'll be no farther along the road to pleasure or contentment than you are now.
One other thing. Shame is as worthless a feeling as exists on God's green earth. God does not make junk. We are ALL bent in some way.
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Old 07-04-2013, 12:31 PM   #13
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It sounds like you are a crossdresser who gets an erotic thrill out of dressing up,roleplaying etc.....you could be attracted to men when dressed, or simply have it as a fantasy, IME most CD's who fantasize about having sex with men would not want to do it IRL.....

Stella hit the nail on the head, enjoy it and don't put too much emphasis on labels. If your GF hasn't run the other way, it is likely she may be supportive of exploring fantasies with you, you have gotten over a big hurdle. The fact that the rest of the time you are an 'ordinary' computer programmer, and you and she are BF and GF, probably makes it easier for her, and even if she isn't into your fetish, she may appreciate the fact that it turns you on, and she gets the side benefits of it. In gender space there are all kinds of people, from people into putting on panties, to those who genderblend, crossdress occassionally, etc, and all of it is perfectly fine...
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Old 07-04-2013, 01:12 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by haurni View Post
I read a couple of pages and it looks good - thanks for the link

Quote:
Originally Posted by nfrrdscnnr1 View Post
What Stella said in double or tripe.
Plus, there is something in us that wants to name "it" or identify "it". To me, getting a name for your situation is similar to asking "why". The answer may be satisfying in some way but you'll be no farther along the road to pleasure or contentment than you are now.
One other thing. Shame is as worthless a feeling as exists on God's green earth. God does not make junk. We are ALL bent in some way.
Agreed - I'm against the labelling thing in theory but in practise, I think they help short-term. Sorry if I go scientific here but you need to establish a theory or 'label' and then start testing it: 'I am this or that?''How do I feel about gender/sex ?' If you just regard the label as a hypothesis it can give someone who is really, really confused and upset, something to cling to, for sanity. "I think I am a CD but..." and then you can talk to other CDs and decide if you have things in common. We do need landmarks but YES, ultimately labels are unhelpful unless you work in an Amazon warehouse.
I'd say to the OP ( opening poster ^^ ) don't stress too much over this because that kind of thing eats you up. Explore your feelings, go the long route of discovering answers and you'll end up a much happier person
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Old 07-04-2013, 02:04 PM   #15
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Nice!

I made this graphic yesterday, I'm not sure if it conveys what I was thinking--
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File Type: jpg GLBTspectrum.jpg (8.8 KB, 172 views)
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Old 07-04-2013, 03:40 PM   #16
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Not to be trite, but you are what (and who) you are.

I would suggest not worrying about hanging a label on yourself (at least for now) and instead keep in mind that you're just in the process of finding happiness.

After all, isn't that what life is about for everyone?
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Old 07-05-2013, 11:45 AM   #17
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Originally Posted by Stella_Omega View Post
There is nothing wrong with cross dressing. Honest.

There's nothing despicable or shameful about dressing in women's clothing, because there is nothing shameful about women.

There is nothing shameful about wanting to get fucked. Most women love getting fucked, and more than half of all men do.

Having a sense of sexuality that includes penetration does not make you less of a man.
Quote:
Originally Posted by John Doe View Post
Not to be trite, but you are what (and who) you are.

I would suggest not worrying about hanging a label on yourself (at least for now) and instead keep in mind that you're just in the process of finding happiness.

After all, isn't that what life is about for everyone?
What they said.

Stop trying to hang a label on yourself. Talk to your girlfriend (about EVERYTHING) and enjoy what turns you on.
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Old 07-05-2013, 05:59 PM   #18
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Agreed - I'm against the labelling thing in theory but in practise, I think they help short-term. Sorry if I go scientific here but you need to establish a theory or 'label' and then start testing it: 'I am this or that?''How do I feel about gender/sex ?' If you just regard the label as a hypothesis it can give someone who is really, really confused and upset, something to cling to, for sanity. "I think I am a CD but..." and then you can talk to other CDs and decide if you have things in common. We do need landmarks but YES, ultimately labels are unhelpful unless you work in an Amazon warehouse.
Personally, even if a time comes when it doesn't matter, I love my label. I'm a lesbian and I'll always identify as lesbian. Labels can only be used against us if we let it happen. As Stella pointed out, even the labels woman, women, female are at times used against us. I'm a proud woman, who happens to be a lesbian.

To the OP I agree with what Stella said but I also agree with Amy(Safe Bet) you have a fetish but there isn't anything wrong with wanting to dress in feminine clothing even if it's just a sexual turn on, which I think it is to you.

Perhaps cross dressing fits but to me cross dressing is more about identity, I want to express my feminine nature so I dress to do so. On my side of the fence we admit we aren't all feminine or masculine and all of us are a mix. I'm femme but I have both feminine and masculine traits, Stella happens to be butch she has both masculine and feminine traits. Because of our society clothing is one way to express those parts of our personality, mind you only one of the ways. We can dress however we want, we can express our true natures however we want and for the most part no one in our community is going to judge us. Hetero women and men, both hetero or gay, don't have that freedom without being judged.

Society does of course judge us, we are supposed to fit their concept of who we are, even in a recent interview I did, the interviewer made the statement I didn't look like a lesbian. The woman was trying to help with LGBT rights but she was lucky my response wasn't on camera.

As far as the dildo or strap-on, I don't see a problem. I'm not big on anal sex occasionally it's ok but my understanding is that for men it's much more stimulating because it stimulates your prostate. Maybe if you explain this to your girl friend it might help her to accept your need.
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Old 07-05-2013, 08:31 PM   #19
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This person's original post is similar to mine; though I'd done it from an age far too young to mention here. It's not bad company, per se; to consider yourself a crossdresser. Hell, I'm wearing a skirt and mascara as I type this...and I ain't bad people!

Anyway...everything described there is common. The guilt and shame after orgasm....my goodness, I could've done without THAT as a confused teen in the pre internet years. I will add this; though early on, there was always a sexual release tied to dressing up (there was always limited time, urgency to pack as much fun in as possible); now, as an adult... pleasure from escaping masculinity is totally independent of sexual pleasure or even arousal.

Gender expression =/= sexual orientation. They just happen to intersect at times.
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Old 07-06-2013, 08:51 AM   #20
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So basically, I am confused. I have had this "weirdness" (for want of a better word) for a very long time, since school.

It started when I was curious, and I took a pair of my cousins panties. Most nights I would wear them in bed, I would rub myself in them and enjoy the feeling. I had no sexual feelings of that nature for my cousin, but something about womens underwear drove me crazy.

As time (years) went on, I took a bra and a thong. I would start to wear them and rub my cock with them until I came. God it felt good, but I every time afterwards I would feel a wave of shame. Like what I had done was utterly terrible. I guess I didn't understand myself. At one point I was so ashamed that I threw away what I had.

It didn't stop there though. I went to University, and I got a job, and I found that I was able to be much more private and explore myself. I collected all kinds of things to wear and make myself sexy. By this time, I was grown up enough to understand that people can be very different sexually. I still felt a little guilty (or ashamed?) after an orgasm though (infact, I still do sometimes to this day). I collected everything from frilly ballerina tutus to teddies and stockings and corsets. I just loved the feeling of feminine things rubbing against myself. Especially if they were satin or lacy.

I even bought myself a dildo because when I was dressed up, I felt like something was missing. I would fuck myself with the dildo and loved every second. I had even started sharing videos of myself on websites for people to watch. I realised that I really wanted men to watch the videos and cum watching me dress up.

I ended up getting a girlfriend, and we love each other dearly. I know what you are thinking, getting a girlfriend? The poor woman is going to be his beard. I can truly say that I love her, there is no denial about that. I don't know how I can explain it. When I am not dressed up, I am your ordinary computer programmer. When I am dressed up, I turn into a submissive cock lusting slut. It is literally like a switch in my brain. Put on a sexy tanga, and suddenly I want cocks in my mouth and ass.

She ended up finding out about my collection, it was only a matter of time. To my surprise, she was only angry that I had not told her sooner. She has never been truly "into" it, like I am, but she has always been supportive. Which is a lot better than I have heard it go down in forums. She never knew about my dildo, because I had gotten rid of it. I thought that may be too much to explain. Sometimes we have sex and I am dressed up. I cannot help but wish that I had a dick in my mouth while I am with her.

Perhaps I should ask her about a strap-on. I don't know if this is going too far, seeing as she doesn't really appear to be that interested in my fetish. I think that she tolerates it to make me happy. And even then, I do not know if it would satisfy the cravings to be filled with cum and treated like a slut.

What the hell am I? Perhaps I would feel better if I could quantify myself... The closest I can come up with is cross-dresser and bi-sexual
.
great labels..... your a dude that likes wearing woman's intimates, and a toy up your ass, maybe like another dude or a woman with a strap-on. don't psycho- analyze yourself... since you've crated a thread....you'll have plenty of people trying to mold you...
Get over yourself and live on... If your cross-dressing and cursing H.S. parking lots or hanging round playgrounds...then you have better get help

I like wearing my wife's thong panties, and my ass played with... I'm not sitting round worrying about it..

I do have to laugh. The GBLT-? is this totally stable, better for the world. BUT, I see more; Who, What Where am I threads...help me on the inter-web. come on, enough.....get over it. Your Whatever letter you've chosen.. MOVE-ON.
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Old 07-09-2013, 02:14 PM   #21
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Thank you everyone for your thoughts.

Perhaps GLBT wasn't the right place for this thread, but I am happy that I posted here anyway. I think that the GLBT community is probably the most accepting group of people.

As I mentioned before, my girlfriend is so accepting and understanding. I think I am incredibly lucky! I will talk to her about it.
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