Old 04-26-2013, 09:20 AM   #1
ifoifo
Experienced
 
ifoifo is offline
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 38
Need help with a poem

Hi everyone.
I'm writing a poem and could use some feedback. I've been staring at it for so long, that I've reached the point where I think it's absolute garbage. I guess I need someone else to say, "It's good. Just change x, y, and z." Although, if it is crap, I'd rather just know so I can start over.

Any feedback would be appreciated.

Thanks
Fuiva

Into The Light

In darkness she lay her body still, her voice it calls to me.
From hidden depths the message sure; her words, a silent plee.
Would I not, deny you: my love, the cravings of your flesh?
And offer you my meager store, and my labors without rest.
Within your heart, there in resides, desires to embrace.
I値l give release to all your needs; I値l cause your breath to race.
Within your shores I値l safely rest, my passions I will concede.
My surface will I break for you; to you my every need.
I値l answer you, I値l take your hand, as one we値l make it right.
I値l stand by you with hand in hand, we値l walk into the light.
  Reply With Quote

Old 04-26-2013, 10:12 AM   #2
bronzeage
I am a river to my people
 
bronzeage's Avatar
 
bronzeage is offline
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Deep South, USA
Posts: 48,638
Commas are an important part of any poem. It guides the reader and helps reproduce the rhythm the writer intended. Colons and semicolons are not really needed in most cases.

In darkness she lay, her body still. Her voice, it calls to me.
From hidden depths, the message sure, her words, a silent plea.
Would I not deny you, my love, the cravings of your flesh?
And offer you my meager store, and my labors without rest.
Within your heart, there in resides, desires to embrace.
I値l give release to all your needs, I値l cause your breath to race.
Within your shores I値l safely rest, my passions I will concede.
My surface will I break for you, to you my every need.
I値l answer you, I値l take your hand, as one we値l make it right.
I値l stand by you with hand in hand, we値l walk into the light.

The phrase "Would I not deny you..." borders on a double negative and one is not sure of the answer, whether granted "cravings of the flesh," or not.
__________________
Nina September, now available from Zharmae Press, in paper and ebook

Lesbian Schoolgirl Enema Bondage, Something for everyone.
"Mama help me. I'm looking at a naked blue eyed man." Good clean fun with the Shower Girl.
Security provided by a well armed dancing peanut.

Quote:
Originally posted by LostBaby
My beloved is perfect. He is strong, smart, well read, can & will do anything, tender, and totally adores me. The only thing that could make him better is if he was freak'n wealthy beyond words.
On the floor of a small room near the city wall, they found the source of the many fragments of wisdom this civilization had left the world.http://bronzeageworks.blogspot.com/
  Reply With Quote

Old 04-26-2013, 10:28 AM   #3
ifoifo
Experienced
 
ifoifo is offline
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 38
Bronzage,
Thanks for your feedback. I've made the changes. "Would I not deny you..." - I'm working with this; so far coming up blank. I'll stew on it a while.
Many thanks,
Fuiva
  Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 10:25 AM.

Copyright 1998-2013 Literotica Online. Literotica is a registered trademark.