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Old 02-16-2014, 02:19 AM   #1
Stella_Omega
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Lightbulb The new asshat awards; best of the worst messages

From the original thread;
Quote:
Originally Posted by h_i_s View Post
We all receive the wanker and troll and wannabe PMs and emails now and then...
while most received are pitiful, disgusting, and proof that the gene pool has been polluted a bit since the beginning of time ... some do warrant a good laugh or two. Most get deleted ... some even receive replies for whatever reason.

Have fun and share the best of the worst PMs and emails you have ever received on this thread... with the rest of us. If nothing else, the rest of us will not feel we are the only ones who are so privileged in receiving them.

RULES (Lits rules by the way .. not mine):

DO PROTECT and RESPECT the sender's right to anonymity (sp? ... hell i'll look it up on spell checker later).
DO NOT provide real names.
DO NOT provide nicknames/account names/IDs/screen names ... whichever you choose to call them.
DO NOT provide any personal and/or identifiable information such as email addresses, phone numbers, addresses etc.
DO NOT provide a picture of the person who sent you the email or PM .. unless you can prove to Manu or Laurel or Catalina or Marquis and any other admin or MOD who requests said proof from you.
DO NOT do anything else on this thread that is against that the 'terms of service' (TOS) or 'terms of agreement' (TAO) or whatever you want to call that big ass 'rule thingy' you agreed to when you registered for an account at Literotica.
Have at it!
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An essay for BDSM Newbies; Top, bottom, dominant, submissive-- and the differences thereof Now rewritten with extra sparkle!
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Old 02-16-2014, 02:25 AM   #2
Stella_Omega
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Via Fetlife,

Mistress(NameRedacted)
written about 1 hour ago:


Hello,

How are you?

I require the long-term service of a sub with computer programming skills. While this is my primary need, it is not an exclusive requirement. I just wanted to be up front, that's all.

Do you have any programming skills? If so, I'd like to chat more

StellaOmega
written 28 minutes ago:


Hi there!
I'm not much of a programmer, to my dismay-- and I'm not a sub.

But thanks for asking!

Mistress(NameRedacted)
written 19 minutes ago:


no problem.

Thanks for the honesty lol!

StellaOmega
written 7 minutes ago:


yes, I appreciated yours. It saved me so much time LOL!

Mistress(NameRedacted)
written less than a minute ago:


Well, if you know of any1 that can meet my needs, send them my direction!
I'll return the favor!


(Darling, if I find someone who wants to write code as an act of submission, I... won't believe them, actually. )
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--Pliny the Elder, AD76

All about Stella; My AH profile
Stella's stories on lit

An essay for BDSM Newbies; Top, bottom, dominant, submissive-- and the differences thereof Now rewritten with extra sparkle!
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Old 02-16-2014, 02:38 AM   #3
Pachet
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A couple Fet ones I haven't deleted:

XXXXXX
written 12 days ago:
Just like to say hi. Pity your on the other side of the pond you sound great from your profile. Think we could have had some fun.

Sent you a friends request, be nice to see some more of this great bottom sub.

Take care

MM

Pachet
written 12 days ago:
which great bottom sub?

______________________

written 12 days ago:
i am a dominant guy hope we can get to chat and know each other better i will love to mentor you and teach you or just chat about anything. You can ask me and i am willing to help you clear out all your doubts or hang along, hope we get to chat soon, i am new here and i think this is kinda slow, so i will leave you my skype addy, take care and hope to see you soon.

(I find this so annoying. Did I ASK fr a mentor? Did I say anywhere on my profile that I have doubts I need to clear out?)

_____________________________________

written 8 months ago:
hello
how r u ? nice to meet u here

i am ER doctor working in a big hospital in XXXXX
i am Dom/Master single for now & living alone
i am into :
Spanking , breeding , candles waxing , clamps, bondage , anal play & gaping
every thing to give pain with the limits of my sub/slave
tell me what r u into
so r u into online relationship ?
i will teach u & train u well & proper
i will be ur Dom/Master

(Did I ask you to be my Dom/Master?)
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"Donít be afraid to love. It is a terrible thing, but it keeps you alive." another beauty by @natashabadhwar
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Old 02-16-2014, 11:32 AM   #4
Sir_Winston54
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pachet View Post
A couple Fet ones I haven't deleted:

written 8 months ago:
hello
how r u ? nice to meet u here

i am ER doctor working in a big hospital in XXXXX
i am Dom/Master single for now & living alone
i am into :
Spanking , breeding , candles waxing , clamps, bondage , anal play & gaping
every thing to give pain with the limits of my sub/slave
tell me what r u into
so r u into online relationship ?
i will teach u & train u well & proper
i will be ur Dom/Master

(Did I ask you to be my Dom/Master?)
Really? An ER doctor working in a big hospital? In what fourth world, non-English-speaking country?
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Legal Notice and Attorney's CYA Requirements: The author of this post is not an attorney, physician, or marital or sexual therapist or counselor (nor does he play any or all of the above on television). All opinions are offered only as the viewpoint(s) of an individual with a certain amount of life experience, and should not be considered to be legal, medical, or therapeutic/counseling advice.


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Old 02-16-2014, 02:11 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sir_Winston54 View Post
Really? An ER doctor working in a big hospital? In what fourth world, non-English-speaking country?
lol, right? The sad part is he named a major "first world" city.


my favorite is "would love to see some more of this great bottom sub". I couldn't help replying "which great bottom sub?"

I never heard from him again
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"Donít be afraid to love. It is a terrible thing, but it keeps you alive." another beauty by @natashabadhwar
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Old 02-16-2014, 02:42 PM   #6
Curious_in_Cali
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This might be appreciated here.
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Old 02-16-2014, 04:43 PM   #7
Stella_Omega
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sir_Winston54 View Post
Really? An ER doctor working in a big hospital? In what fourth world, non-English-speaking country?
He's posting from his phone-- and he will never get used to doing that, no matter how much he wants to -- and he's on a long shift. Give him a break. At least for his spelling...

What I don't understand is how ANYONE thinks they can announce their requirements to absolute strangers this way.
__________________
"Oh woe, these be perilous times! Children no longer obey their elders, and everybody is writing a book!"
--Pliny the Elder, AD76

All about Stella; My AH profile
Stella's stories on lit

An essay for BDSM Newbies; Top, bottom, dominant, submissive-- and the differences thereof Now rewritten with extra sparkle!

Last edited by Stella_Omega : 02-16-2014 at 04:47 PM.
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Old 02-17-2014, 03:32 AM   #8
IrisAlthea
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Because a lot of people see this kind of place and others like it as dating sites and most people assume others see things the same way.
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Old 02-21-2014, 10:14 AM   #9
SwtSassyNrse26
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PM recieved........

baybee i would luv to tie you up then wait for you to get home

Seriously? Was I driving or commuting while tied up?

And people call me blonde.....Derrrr
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Old 02-21-2014, 06:35 PM   #10
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Today's daily winner

The Beatles helped handle a potential asshat. It is a good day.

Sender: yeah so im real your real right cum get at me soon c wat we have in common?

Me: I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together?

Sender: lolz wat usay??? u don't make no sense

Me: ...see how they fly. I'm crying.
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Old 02-21-2014, 10:40 PM   #11
Sir_Winston54
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SwtSassyNrse26 View Post
PM recieved........

baybee i would luv to tie you up then wait for you to get home

Seriously? Was I driving or commuting while tied up?

And people call me blonde.....Derrrr
There's a vast difference between being blonde and being "a blonde." One is a hair color; the other is a state of mind.
__________________
4/19/2014: Please forgive typos and other errors caused by only being able to type with one hand now. I *do* proofread, but may miss an error here or there. If/when I do, I apologize.

Legal Notice and Attorney's CYA Requirements: The author of this post is not an attorney, physician, or marital or sexual therapist or counselor (nor does he play any or all of the above on television). All opinions are offered only as the viewpoint(s) of an individual with a certain amount of life experience, and should not be considered to be legal, medical, or therapeutic/counseling advice.


Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.
[Jacked from Wenchie's friend's Facebook page. Thanks!]

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and you're not familiar with the "Fuck You, Cancer" thread,
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Old 02-21-2014, 11:09 PM   #12
Pachet
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ahlam View Post
The Beatles helped handle a potential asshat. It is a good day.

Sender: yeah so im real your real right cum get at me soon c wat we have in common?

Me: I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together?

Sender: lolz wat usay??? u don't make no sense

Me: ...see how they fly. I'm crying.
I'm crying with laughter. That's awesome
__________________
"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing."
Helen Keller

"Donít be afraid to love. It is a terrible thing, but it keeps you alive." another beauty by @natashabadhwar
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Old 05-22-2014, 04:44 PM   #13
StripperSlutWife
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Came across a doozie while cleaning out my inbox today. So much so that I don't think I can bear to delete the hilarity!

A bit of setup is required though. A ... person ... started a thread on the AmPics board (of course not offering any pics, only asking for a specific type) entitled something like "hey ladys im starting up classy ameture pic thred" -- implying that "classy" pic threads were in such short supply that he had to swoop in and save the day! The OP went like this: Ladys starting a classy amature pic thread. Post pics of you in high heels a new outfit selfies you took lingerie just keep it classy feel free to pm me or yahoo msg with any questions or comments or suggestions

I pointed out quite gently that most of the existing threads were quite classy, thank you, and the OP was a bit insulting in its insinuation. I also sent a kindly worded PM to that effect, suggesting that if the poster was looking for "class", that a spelling and grammar class might be a fantastic investment.

Here is the PM I received as my reward:

[Your profile name is slutty stripper wife why don't you just stick to being that and leave me the fuck alone so what if i can't spell who are you tell me I can't your just a slutty stripper wife I made this thread so I normal everyday females can post pics of themselves and receive good positive replys to host there moral I didn't want whores to fuck it up you are a whore and you fucking it up fuck you

Charming, to the last.
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-Albus Dumbledore


There's something I really, really like to do -- it's a four letter word ending in "k" that means "To have intercourse". Would you like to do it with me?
Great! Let's get together, maybe have a drink, and talk. I could do it all night with the right partner.


Please do not confuse "submissive" with "doormat". Pull my hair, slap my tits, call me filthy names, direct me firmly and I will happily follow you on my knees. Disrespect me and I will roll my eyes, ignore you, and walk away on my own two feet.

My pic thread: "Because I Miss the Spotlight"
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Old 05-22-2014, 06:16 PM   #14
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I have been on and off here, on CM and Fet (not very long) from 2005. In all that time I dont think I got a PM I would post in this thread.
Wtf is wrong with me?
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Old 05-22-2014, 09:48 PM   #15
Netzach
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ahlam View Post
The Beatles helped handle a potential asshat. It is a good day.

Sender: yeah so im real your real right cum get at me soon c wat we have in common?

Me: I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together?

Sender: lolz wat usay??? u don't make no sense

Me: ...see how they fly. I'm crying.
This. This is how it's done. Observe and learn.
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Old 05-28-2014, 08:49 PM   #16
gregy70
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Quote:
Originally Posted by StripperSlutWife View Post
Came across a doozie while cleaning out my inbox today. So much so that I don't think I can bear to delete the hilarity!

A bit of setup is required though. A ... person ... started a thread on the AmPics board (of course not offering any pics, only asking for a specific type) entitled something like "hey ladys im starting up classy ameture pic thred" -- implying that "classy" pic threads were in such short supply that he had to swoop in and save the day! The OP went like this: Ladys starting a classy amature pic thread. Post pics of you in high heels a new outfit selfies you took lingerie just keep it classy feel free to pm me or yahoo msg with any questions or comments or suggestions

I pointed out quite gently that most of the existing threads were quite classy, thank you, and the OP was a bit insulting in its insinuation. I also sent a kindly worded PM to that effect, suggesting that if the poster was looking for "class", that a spelling and grammar class might be a fantastic investment.

Here is the PM I received as my reward:

[Your profile name is slutty stripper wife why don't you just stick to being that and leave me the fuck alone so what if i can't spell who are you tell me I can't your just a slutty stripper wife I made this thread so I normal everyday females can post pics of themselves and receive good positive replys to host there moral I didn't want whores to fuck it up you are a whore and you fucking it up fuck you

Charming, to the last.
What a dickwad!
I for one adore whores & sluts. I found them to be beautiful understanding people
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Old 05-28-2014, 08:58 PM   #17
GrizzlyBear68
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Jeeze. This is as bad as being sober at the bar at 1 am. Watching men hit on women is really embarrassing, as is reading these pm's. Lol. Glad I never did that. Lol
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Old 05-29-2014, 02:01 AM   #18
seela
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GrizzlyBear68 View Post
Jeeze. This is as bad as being sober at the bar at 1 am. Watching men hit on women is really embarrassing, as is reading these pm's. Lol. Glad I never did that. Lol
What a perfect description.

I once was at a jazz club, sober, with a group of mostly female friends. I saw a guy in going from table to table trying to pick up women in the most awkward manner. He was in his 40s, the women were anything between 20-40. That alone was already horrible, but then he came to our table and I noticed that the guy was my physiotherapist. He didn't recognize me at first, but when he did, he seemed to sober up instantenously. Made for some very interesting physiotherapy sessions afterwards.

I still don't get very many unwanted PMs. Maybe two a year and they're mostly just the boring "i read ur posts and u like masters so lik my ballz" type. Going invisible really helps.

Last edited by seela : 05-29-2014 at 02:22 AM.
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Old 05-29-2014, 04:27 AM   #19
query
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gregy70 View Post
What a dickwad!
I for one adore whores & sluts. I found them to be beautiful understanding people
Quoted for truth.

In my experience, strippers are (usually) neither, but I love some of them anyway.
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Old 05-29-2014, 04:32 AM   #20
StrayKat
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Quote:
Originally Posted by seela View Post
I once was at a jazz club, sober, with a group of mostly female friends. I saw a guy in going from table to table trying to pick up women in the most awkward manner. He was in his 40s, the women were anything between 20-40. That alone was already horrible, but then he came to our table and I noticed that the guy was my physiotherapist. He didn't recognize me at first, but when he did, he seemed to sober up instantenously. Made for some very interesting physiotherapy sessions afterwards.
I admire your capability to respect his authority after that.
I would find another therapist.
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Old 05-29-2014, 04:44 AM   #21
seela
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Quote:
Originally Posted by StrayKat View Post
I admire your capability to respect his authority after that.
I would find another therapist.
Nah, I only had 2 sessions left with him before moving anyways, and I had already paid for them. He was also really good at what he was doing, and I've been to many a PT in my life, so I recognize a good PT when I meet one.

I also generally think people have the right to let loose and act stupid sometimes even if they are doctors, teachers etc, so I didn't mind that much. He was very embarrassed, though.

I remember my aunt telling a story that she had been to OBGYN for a checkup and later that night run into the doctor when she was at this dance place. The doctor asked her to dance with him. That was weird.
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Old 05-29-2014, 04:51 AM   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by seela View Post
Nah, I only had 2 sessions left with him before moving anyways, and I had already paid for them. He was also really good at what he was doing, and I've been to many a PT in my life, so I recognize a good PT when I meet one.

I also generally think people have the right to let loose and act stupid sometimes even if they are doctors, teachers etc, so I didn't mind that much. He was very embarrassed, though.

I remember my aunt telling a story that she had been to OBGYN for a checkup and later that night run into the doctor when she was at this dance place. The doctor asked her to dance with him. That was weird.
I probably have a bad vibe towards therapists. Didnt meet any I would actually trust, but then I only met them because they were my Dads colleagues not for treatment.

I had a weird gynecologist like that, he would tell me a sexy little stories about doctors and nurses and even some patients he had. But he literally saved my life with my second child, so I kinda took him for what he was. I did have a good laughs every time I went to see him though.
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Old 05-29-2014, 07:21 AM   #23
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Red face

All I get is idol chit chat while my feet are in the stirrups, "how was your vacation?" and such. Maybe why I have absolutely no medical fetishes, lol lol lol
And damn if that guy doesn't know his way around a vagina, I complained about a pain and yep he pointed it right out to me, I limped home, but with an explanation, lol.
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Last edited by Loverskitten : 05-29-2014 at 07:26 AM.
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Old 05-30-2014, 04:14 AM   #24
bhndblueyes88
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Loverskitten View Post
All I get is idol chit chat while my feet are in the stirrups, "how was your vacation?" and such. Maybe why I have absolutely no medical fetishes, lol lol lol
And damn if that guy doesn't know his way around a vagina, I complained about a pain and yep he pointed it right out to me, I limped home, but with an explanation, lol.
I just went to a new guy after moving and i'm less than impressed. I was getting a colposcopy and he didn't even lube the damn speculum -_- I hope he treats his partner better than that
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Old 05-30-2014, 09:11 AM   #25
Sir_Winston54
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Originally Posted by bhndblueyes88 View Post
I just went to a new guy after moving and i'm less than impressed. I was getting a colposcopy and he didn't even lube the damn speculum -_- I hope he treats his partner better than that
If no one ever tells him they'd prefer the speculum lubed to reduce discomfort, you'll have the same experience next time...
__________________
4/19/2014: Please forgive typos and other errors caused by only being able to type with one hand now. I *do* proofread, but may miss an error here or there. If/when I do, I apologize.

Legal Notice and Attorney's CYA Requirements: The author of this post is not an attorney, physician, or marital or sexual therapist or counselor (nor does he play any or all of the above on television). All opinions are offered only as the viewpoint(s) of an individual with a certain amount of life experience, and should not be considered to be legal, medical, or therapeutic/counseling advice.


Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.
[Jacked from Wenchie's friend's Facebook page. Thanks!]

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and you're not familiar with the "Fuck You, Cancer" thread,
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