How do you deal with a cheater? Is it possible to trust them again? What if your guilt and they don't know about it? Do you feel that they deserve a second chance? If kids are involved, would you give them a second chance because of the kids?
How do you deal with a cheating spouse?
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SweetErika
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Interesting questions, but what's up with posting the same thread in three different forums?
I actually just read an interesting article on the grieving/coping aspect that I'd be happy to post if anyone would like to check it out. The basic premise was that many people don't allow themselves to "weep"/grieve; instead they opt to employ what they feel are coping strategies that actually create and perpetuate anger. While anger is certainly a natural part of the grieving process, too much can seriously hold us back from healing.
I believe most cheaters will lie and/or cheat again, although there are some exceptions, and someone who, say, is determined to do whatever it takes to repair themselves and the relationship is more worthy of another chance than someone who is not committed to doing that hard work.
From what I've read and heard from others, one of the healthiest ways to go is to give yourself plenty of time to grieve, consider your options, plan and move forward.
I actually just read an interesting article on the grieving/coping aspect that I'd be happy to post if anyone would like to check it out. The basic premise was that many people don't allow themselves to "weep"/grieve; instead they opt to employ what they feel are coping strategies that actually create and perpetuate anger. While anger is certainly a natural part of the grieving process, too much can seriously hold us back from healing.
I think it's possible, yes, but it takes a hell of a lot of work and only time and future actions will tell. I don't know if the same level of trust will ever be there again, though; even with changes, time and forgiveness, it's an unforgettable act for me and I'm sure there would always be some lingering doubt/mistrust about certain things.
I believe most cheaters will lie and/or cheat again, although there are some exceptions, and someone who, say, is determined to do whatever it takes to repair themselves and the relationship is more worthy of another chance than someone who is not committed to doing that hard work.
If I'm guilty of cheating and my partner doesn't know about it? Not going to happen because I couldn't live with myself and I'm the type of person who would tell my partner before I cheated so they could decide what they wanted to do.
Again, I think that's totally dependent on the specific people and relationship. If it's a first offense, they're willing to do the work, change and commit to never lying or cheating again, I'm far more likely to give them one more chance. That chance would come with the cautionary measures and conditions I needed to feel as safe as possible, and there wouldn't be a third chance.
I'm more likely to do what I can to have a healthy relationship and stability (e.g. financial, domestic) because we have a child. So, yes, our child factors into my marriage and decisions, although I refuse to stay in an unhealthy marriage that's not going to get better or allow my child to see me used, abused, or terribly unhappy just to give my spouse another chance or avoid divorce. In my mind, children are a consideration and great reason to do our best to improve our marriage, but they're definitely not a deciding factor because it's far better for kids to have happy, healthy parents who are apart than miserable parents who stay together for 'the sake of the kids' or some such.
bailadora
We create the dreams.
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Patience, grasshopper. Patience.
I noticed you posted these questions in what appear to be the wee hours of the morning. You might want to give people a chance to wake up before you go graffiti all over the board.
Also - HT and HT Cafe move at a slower pace than other boards, so if you're looking for quick answers, you're in the wrong place. That said, IMX HT regulars tend to be pretty smart cookies who try to give thoughtful, considered and accurate replies to serious queries.
All in all, I guess it depends on what you're looking for in terms of answers: quality or quantity.
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Seems to me I've been locked into this discussion in another thread. My feelings and thoughts are taken from hard and painful experience.
The first thing in dealing with a cheating spouse is to try to determine what makes/made them want to cheat. That's not as simple and easy as asking them because they often don't know themselves. They rationalize a lot of things and often want to throw blame in some way back to the non-cheating parner. That's not to say that some of the blame might not also rest with the non-cheating partner, just not all of it, and just not as simple as it may seem. Things like "you don't give me enough sex" or "you don't give me this or that type of sex" are just bullshit. It's not always related to sex per se.
It's often more related to acceptance as a total person. That can manifest itself in sexual ways because sex is one of those human needs and emotions that is at the very core of someone's personality. Sexual feelings, needs, desires, fantasies, etc are often among those feelings that people hold very sacred and are often afraid to share them for fear of judgement and embarrassment. Virtually everybody is willing to admit to their spouse that they are afraid of snakes or can't stand their mother or might have stolen candy from the grocery store when they were a kid. Very few would want admit that they they fantasize about having sex with their sister, brother, niece or nephew or would like to either be the recever or giver of a gang bang with their co-workers or neighbors. They are afraid that they will be (or have already been) chastized and insulted upon admiting such things. This makes them build up a wall, a protective moat, between themselves and their partner with feeling like, "they think I'm a pervert. They hate me." Then the isolated partner, man or woman, is vulnerable to someone else who seems willing, perhaps eager to listen, respond, and even share such hidden thoughts of their own. Nothing is as intimate as sharing secret sexual fantasies and feeling that they are shared by someone else. It could happen at work. It could happen with someone known through church or youth soccer. Perhaps this could even happen on the internet, in a chat room. The isolated partner then feels accepted and even that they have found a soulmate. It's not too difficult to see where this leads. The feeling of acceptance as a person, even though it is manifested in sexual feelings, can lead to a "connection" that is perhaps rationalized in sexual thoughts and actions. However, it goes deeper to the feeling of acceptance as a complete person.
So, how do you deal with it before it happens or even after it happens. Some times things can manifest itself in non sexual things. I can remember over 20 years ago when first telling my wife that I wanted to get a motorcycle. The first words out of her mouth, "Are you crazy? You're going to kill yourself or end up paralized. Then what's going to happen to me and the kids. You're nuts. A man your age wanting to zip around on one of those things. You're crazy." It couldn't have been "great, I love bikes" or even "I don't want to ride on a motorcycle but if that's womething that will make you happy, go for it." It caused some negative feelings and issues but after a lot of discussion and thinking, I eventually got my bike. Unfortunately, I was first made to feel like an idiot and a "crazy person" and an incompetent selfish kook for wanting something that didn't fit HER needs and desires regardless of mine.
OK, suppose we put it in the sexual arena, and your spouse wants to do something a bit off the wall that you haven't already tried sexually. He or she wants to try anal sex, or wants to try a threesome, or try swinging with another couple. You can either listen calmly, try to understand the motivations, and discuss the thing rationally with logical objective reasons why you really woudln't feel comfortable doing it. Then maybe offer up some other suggestions like maybe videos or stories about threesoms or swinging or even write some to each other. Maybe try role play where you flirt aroung in a bar a little. She can go pantiless if she's adventurous enoug and let some of the guys in the room look up your skirt while her husband relishes how sexy and dirty she can be. Then pretend you meet for the first time and go have sex in the back seat of his car before you say "thanks for the quickie" and go to your car, only to meet up back home. Some people do this sort of thing. Some don't feel comfortable with it. Maybe she's or he's afraid to try anal sex for real because he's too big and it could hurt or injure her or it's too dirty. But maybe he could use his finger or one of those little anal vibrator/probes and satisfy whatever desire/need it may be for that kind of play. Hell, maybe it could be fun and lead to more play.
Bottom line, don't stomp on your husband's or wife's desires and fantasies. See if you can deal with them with sensitivity and acceptance. I knew a woman who once wanted to give her husband a blowjob while they were driving down the highway to visit their daughter in college. She started undoing his pants and he went crazy. Called her a nut job and why the hell would she want to do that when a passing truck driver or somebody else could see her. Told her he couldn't figure what the hell she was thinking sometimes. She felt like shit. It wasn't the first time something like that happened. Months later, there was a another guy who was more than happy to help her with her little fantasy.
OK, so suppose it's too late and the affair is done and over. The best answer is professional counseling. Trust me. If the offending spouse isn't willing to go to counseling and be sincere about it, it could be hopeless. They can give all sorts of excuses and apologies or get angry and start pushing the blame back for things not done by the non-offending partner, but the bottom line is, until they are willing to own up to a third party. Until they are ready to get past the rationalizations and get to the reasons, there's little hope for reconsiliation unless the non-affair partner is just willing to roll over and accept it. However, it also has to be a two way street. Initially, the non-affair partner will be totally unwilling to accept that any of this is their fault, or possibly the other extreme and be taking all the blame. You can't just bury it or forget about it or try to just let things calm down. The fact is that BOTH parties will have to learn to accept the issues that created the "perceived need" of the affair partner for doing what he/she did. Often, it will require that the affair parner finally realize that they have some self-esteem or anger or aggression issues toward the non-affair partner that pushed them into what is usually a passive aggression move to have the affair. I've know women (and men) who've had affairs just because they found out their spouse had one and wanted to "even the score". That doesn't work. It's like negotiating a peace settlement after the first country drops bombs but the second hasn't. There's the revenge factor. The non-affair partner is perhaps going to have to come to grips with the fact that maybe they were also partly to blame in not being sensitive to the feelings of the other that helped creat the anger and aggession.
Whatever your situation, and it seems that you are in this boat that many find themselves in, it's going to require that both of you delve really deeply into the reasons, motivations, feelings that got you into your relationship in the first place and determine if in fact it's possible to get them back. I can tell you that it IS possible. It's not going to happen in a week or two or a month or two. You need to be able to prepare to invest years. AND you'll need to accept that even if you survive in the near term, the elephant is always going to be in the room a they say. It's never going to be forgotten even if it is forgiven. It will take continual awareness to fight against the sorts of "hidden feelings" and "Judgemental behavior" that might have fostered the negative environent in the first place. Everytime you watch a movie or a TV show that includes some sort of affair, the memories are going to come back and you're both going to get a little sick feeling in your belly. It's all going to depend on whether the relationship is really based on love and a long term committment or if it was just based on the need to have some sort of exclusive sex contract. It has to be more than "just staying for the kids" because that's just wallpapering over the real cracks. If two people really love each other and their marriage is really for the long term for better or worse, then it can be fixed. Unfortunately, an affair can be just an excuse somebody has been waiting for to walk out of a marriage gone stale. If you both really care, then work for it. If the primary drivers to the affair are irreconsilable, then maybe the best thing is a break up that is as civil and reasonable as possible without a lot of anger. Good luck, really.
The first thing in dealing with a cheating spouse is to try to determine what makes/made them want to cheat. That's not as simple and easy as asking them because they often don't know themselves. They rationalize a lot of things and often want to throw blame in some way back to the non-cheating parner. That's not to say that some of the blame might not also rest with the non-cheating partner, just not all of it, and just not as simple as it may seem. Things like "you don't give me enough sex" or "you don't give me this or that type of sex" are just bullshit. It's not always related to sex per se.
It's often more related to acceptance as a total person. That can manifest itself in sexual ways because sex is one of those human needs and emotions that is at the very core of someone's personality. Sexual feelings, needs, desires, fantasies, etc are often among those feelings that people hold very sacred and are often afraid to share them for fear of judgement and embarrassment. Virtually everybody is willing to admit to their spouse that they are afraid of snakes or can't stand their mother or might have stolen candy from the grocery store when they were a kid. Very few would want admit that they they fantasize about having sex with their sister, brother, niece or nephew or would like to either be the recever or giver of a gang bang with their co-workers or neighbors. They are afraid that they will be (or have already been) chastized and insulted upon admiting such things. This makes them build up a wall, a protective moat, between themselves and their partner with feeling like, "they think I'm a pervert. They hate me." Then the isolated partner, man or woman, is vulnerable to someone else who seems willing, perhaps eager to listen, respond, and even share such hidden thoughts of their own. Nothing is as intimate as sharing secret sexual fantasies and feeling that they are shared by someone else. It could happen at work. It could happen with someone known through church or youth soccer. Perhaps this could even happen on the internet, in a chat room. The isolated partner then feels accepted and even that they have found a soulmate. It's not too difficult to see where this leads. The feeling of acceptance as a person, even though it is manifested in sexual feelings, can lead to a "connection" that is perhaps rationalized in sexual thoughts and actions. However, it goes deeper to the feeling of acceptance as a complete person.
So, how do you deal with it before it happens or even after it happens. Some times things can manifest itself in non sexual things. I can remember over 20 years ago when first telling my wife that I wanted to get a motorcycle. The first words out of her mouth, "Are you crazy? You're going to kill yourself or end up paralized. Then what's going to happen to me and the kids. You're nuts. A man your age wanting to zip around on one of those things. You're crazy." It couldn't have been "great, I love bikes" or even "I don't want to ride on a motorcycle but if that's womething that will make you happy, go for it." It caused some negative feelings and issues but after a lot of discussion and thinking, I eventually got my bike. Unfortunately, I was first made to feel like an idiot and a "crazy person" and an incompetent selfish kook for wanting something that didn't fit HER needs and desires regardless of mine.
OK, suppose we put it in the sexual arena, and your spouse wants to do something a bit off the wall that you haven't already tried sexually. He or she wants to try anal sex, or wants to try a threesome, or try swinging with another couple. You can either listen calmly, try to understand the motivations, and discuss the thing rationally with logical objective reasons why you really woudln't feel comfortable doing it. Then maybe offer up some other suggestions like maybe videos or stories about threesoms or swinging or even write some to each other. Maybe try role play where you flirt aroung in a bar a little. She can go pantiless if she's adventurous enoug and let some of the guys in the room look up your skirt while her husband relishes how sexy and dirty she can be. Then pretend you meet for the first time and go have sex in the back seat of his car before you say "thanks for the quickie" and go to your car, only to meet up back home. Some people do this sort of thing. Some don't feel comfortable with it. Maybe she's or he's afraid to try anal sex for real because he's too big and it could hurt or injure her or it's too dirty. But maybe he could use his finger or one of those little anal vibrator/probes and satisfy whatever desire/need it may be for that kind of play. Hell, maybe it could be fun and lead to more play.
Bottom line, don't stomp on your husband's or wife's desires and fantasies. See if you can deal with them with sensitivity and acceptance. I knew a woman who once wanted to give her husband a blowjob while they were driving down the highway to visit their daughter in college. She started undoing his pants and he went crazy. Called her a nut job and why the hell would she want to do that when a passing truck driver or somebody else could see her. Told her he couldn't figure what the hell she was thinking sometimes. She felt like shit. It wasn't the first time something like that happened. Months later, there was a another guy who was more than happy to help her with her little fantasy.
OK, so suppose it's too late and the affair is done and over. The best answer is professional counseling. Trust me. If the offending spouse isn't willing to go to counseling and be sincere about it, it could be hopeless. They can give all sorts of excuses and apologies or get angry and start pushing the blame back for things not done by the non-offending partner, but the bottom line is, until they are willing to own up to a third party. Until they are ready to get past the rationalizations and get to the reasons, there's little hope for reconsiliation unless the non-affair partner is just willing to roll over and accept it. However, it also has to be a two way street. Initially, the non-affair partner will be totally unwilling to accept that any of this is their fault, or possibly the other extreme and be taking all the blame. You can't just bury it or forget about it or try to just let things calm down. The fact is that BOTH parties will have to learn to accept the issues that created the "perceived need" of the affair partner for doing what he/she did. Often, it will require that the affair parner finally realize that they have some self-esteem or anger or aggression issues toward the non-affair partner that pushed them into what is usually a passive aggression move to have the affair. I've know women (and men) who've had affairs just because they found out their spouse had one and wanted to "even the score". That doesn't work. It's like negotiating a peace settlement after the first country drops bombs but the second hasn't. There's the revenge factor. The non-affair partner is perhaps going to have to come to grips with the fact that maybe they were also partly to blame in not being sensitive to the feelings of the other that helped creat the anger and aggession.
Whatever your situation, and it seems that you are in this boat that many find themselves in, it's going to require that both of you delve really deeply into the reasons, motivations, feelings that got you into your relationship in the first place and determine if in fact it's possible to get them back. I can tell you that it IS possible. It's not going to happen in a week or two or a month or two. You need to be able to prepare to invest years. AND you'll need to accept that even if you survive in the near term, the elephant is always going to be in the room a they say. It's never going to be forgotten even if it is forgiven. It will take continual awareness to fight against the sorts of "hidden feelings" and "Judgemental behavior" that might have fostered the negative environent in the first place. Everytime you watch a movie or a TV show that includes some sort of affair, the memories are going to come back and you're both going to get a little sick feeling in your belly. It's all going to depend on whether the relationship is really based on love and a long term committment or if it was just based on the need to have some sort of exclusive sex contract. It has to be more than "just staying for the kids" because that's just wallpapering over the real cracks. If two people really love each other and their marriage is really for the long term for better or worse, then it can be fixed. Unfortunately, an affair can be just an excuse somebody has been waiting for to walk out of a marriage gone stale. If you both really care, then work for it. If the primary drivers to the affair are irreconsilable, then maybe the best thing is a break up that is as civil and reasonable as possible without a lot of anger. Good luck, really.
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SweetErika
Fingers Crossed
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Yeah, it's generally going to take way more than a few minutes to get replies, nevermind thoughtful responses. Just consider how long it takes someone to consider the question and type a substantial reply out, then add plenty of time for those who are sleeping, busy with something else or otherwise engaged in life at the time you post.
I'll also add that support groups--both virtual and in-person--can help immensely when one has been cheated on, so you may want to check into a such groups along with individual and couples therapy.
NightL
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sweeterica makes a lot of good points but...
There is always one view that most people who have been cheated on, don't take into consideration when it comes to putting TRUST back into the relationship should a couple try to make a go of it.
A woman cheats on her husband. She has betrayed his trust but decide to try and get past it and stay together. Let's say she knows she will never stray again. BUT, she sees and feels mistrust from her husband every time they're apart.
How long can she live under constant mistrust, even if she knows the mistrust is because of her actions.
When I first got out of college I got a job as a press photographer. I loved my boss and learned a ton from him. We had a great working relationship. Then one day he thought I lied to him. I didn't, but I could never convince him of that. From then on he questioned me continually. After only one year of that, I quit after 10 years and started my own business.
It is very, very difficult to live under suspicion.
There is always one view that most people who have been cheated on, don't take into consideration when it comes to putting TRUST back into the relationship should a couple try to make a go of it.
A woman cheats on her husband. She has betrayed his trust but decide to try and get past it and stay together. Let's say she knows she will never stray again. BUT, she sees and feels mistrust from her husband every time they're apart.
How long can she live under constant mistrust, even if she knows the mistrust is because of her actions.
When I first got out of college I got a job as a press photographer. I loved my boss and learned a ton from him. We had a great working relationship. Then one day he thought I lied to him. I didn't, but I could never convince him of that. From then on he questioned me continually. After only one year of that, I quit after 10 years and started my own business.
It is very, very difficult to live under suspicion.
SweetErika
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I'd say if the suspicion never fades and/or there is mistrust every time they're apart, then sufficient healing and forgiveness failed to happen.
Like any major loss, I'd expect the pain to fade and healing to take place over time. If both people are doing the work to repair the relationship, trust should build over time. Just as with the death of a loved one, the grief will ebb and flow: on balance, it'll improve, but there will likely always be times in which another big wave of grief crashes over us and that anger, sadness, fear, doubt, mistrust, etc., comes flooding back. That doesn't mean there will be mistrust in every questionable situation, just that there will likely be more intense points along the way, even long after the person who was harmed has forgiven the cheater. It's going to depend on the people and situation, too - repeatedly breaking the trust of someone who has a history of abuse or trust issues is probably going to do more damage than cheating on someone who doesn't have such a history one time.
Prospective cheaters should probably consider the possibility that healing and regaining trust could be a lifelong process prior to cheating, and those who have already cheated should recognize and accept it may very well be their cross to bear for their actions. Should they have a black cloud hanging over them or be interrogated for the rest of their lives? No, but it's probably going to come up sometimes just because it's not going to be forgotten and the harmed partner may believe "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me" or similar.
If a spouse cheats on you get as far away as possible. Detach emotionally fron the person and move on. Sticking around and trying to work it out is not worth it. You will never see that person the same way again. Your heart may want you to stay but your life will suffer in the long run. It will be hard but you will respect yourself so much more so for doing what you truly know is the right thing to do. You will need counseling because that kind of thing will mess with your brain whether you think so or not. But their is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Just keep looking forward and not back.
LindsayRae
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I agree with a lot that has been posted here already.
It's been said that not all cheating stems for sexual needs not being met, especially needs that one is too ashamed to mention. I for instance, would love to have a threesome or foursome, but I don't think I could communicate that to my partner, he's already mentioned something along the lines of not thinking people that swing are "well" to some degree, or that those relationships don't last.
I also worry that he would permanently think less of me, no matter how understanding a person he is, and I think he might worry, and always be afraid that I might succumb to that desire.
That being said.. as has also been mentioned, sexual desires aside, it can be hard for people themselves to really understand what is not working for them in a relationship, or even what it is they want or need. Sometimes it's as simple as a small change, a little excitement just for a short time.
On another note, there is one book that I wish was universal required reading, that being "the 5 love languages". You may show your love to your partner in say.. "French".. but if they only speak and understand "spanish".. then they arn't understanding your affections. That's a very rough translation, but basically what the book is about. It breaks down the love languages into five main types... anyway. I really liked this book. And I really like cuddling up in bed with my partner at the end of the day and reading something to each other.
It's been said that not all cheating stems for sexual needs not being met, especially needs that one is too ashamed to mention. I for instance, would love to have a threesome or foursome, but I don't think I could communicate that to my partner, he's already mentioned something along the lines of not thinking people that swing are "well" to some degree, or that those relationships don't last.
I also worry that he would permanently think less of me, no matter how understanding a person he is, and I think he might worry, and always be afraid that I might succumb to that desire.
That being said.. as has also been mentioned, sexual desires aside, it can be hard for people themselves to really understand what is not working for them in a relationship, or even what it is they want or need. Sometimes it's as simple as a small change, a little excitement just for a short time.
On another note, there is one book that I wish was universal required reading, that being "the 5 love languages". You may show your love to your partner in say.. "French".. but if they only speak and understand "spanish".. then they arn't understanding your affections. That's a very rough translation, but basically what the book is about. It breaks down the love languages into five main types... anyway. I really liked this book. And I really like cuddling up in bed with my partner at the end of the day and reading something to each other.
I respectfully disagree, and I think you have to be careful about mass generalizations like that. I would contend that more often than not infidelity can and does destroy a relationship, but that's not always the case. Believe it or not, in rare cases it can actually make a relationship stronger. My best friend happened to go through it. Her husband cheated on her, but through counseling and learning to communicate a whole hell of a lot better, I truly believe their relationship is much improved now. From an outsider's perspective, they both clearly had some blame in the whole thing, and they both recognized that as well.
Again, sure it's the exception but it's not an impossibility. They had children, and they believed that their relationship was worth trying to salvage (again, BOTH believed that, which I think is key), as well as wanting to keep their family intact.
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I can't help but disagree. If there is a connection beyond merely the sexual, it can be resolved. People are human and they make mistakes. Show me anybody who hasn't. If it's chronic, that's a different story. Many people might have a hard time forgiving an alcoholic who refuses to get help. However, most people could forgive a spouse who got drunk one night and made an ass of themselves at a party. I have a particular disdain for people who cannot accept the mistakes of others yet expect their own transgressions, of whatever type, to be overlooked.
Bless you Pandora. You seem to be one of those truly insightful people. And you are probably correct in your assessment of your friends. Trust me on this.
Another voice of wisdom in the wilderness. You are not alone in your assessments. It is truly sad and unfortunate when two people cannot communicate without judgement.
SweetErika
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Excellent post, Pandora!
I also know several women who have had very similar motivations and experiences as your best friend. All of those marriages involved children and a great deal of history, so the couples decided to take ownership, commit to therapy and intensive work and give repairing and improving the relationships their best shot. It's an incredibly difficult road that most of them are still on years after the cheating was discovered, but they have stronger intact marriages to show for it.
Every person and couple must decide which path is best for them. Sometimes it's calling it quits because the damage is too severe and/or one or both people can't or don't want to stay in the relationship; other times it's giving repairing the relationship and moving beyond the affair(s) their best shot. I don't think either way is right or wrong as long as the couple really tries to minimize the damage (especially when any kids are involved) while they're traveling whatever path they've chosen. We're not in anyone else's relationship and tons of details remain hidden when couples are having serious problems, so it's not for us to judge/decide what others should do.
Excellent post, Pandora!
I also know several women who have had very similar motivations and experiences as your best friend. All of those marriages involved children and a great deal of history, so the couples decided to take ownership, commit to therapy and intensive work and give repairing and improving the relationships their best shot. It's an incredibly difficult road that most of them are still on years after the cheating was discovered, but they have stronger intact marriages to show for it.
Every person and couple must decide which path is best for them. Sometimes it's calling it quits because the damage is too severe and/or one or both people can't or don't want to stay in the relationship; other times it's giving repairing the relationship and moving beyond the affair(s) their best shot. I don't think either way is right or wrong as long as the couple really tries to minimize the damage (especially when any kids are involved) while they're traveling whatever path they've chosen. We're not in anyone else's relationship and tons of details remain hidden when couples are having serious problems, so it's not for us to judge/decide what others should do.
Well said. Bottom line, everybody is different. Every couple is different. Everybody has the right to chose the direction they wish to take with their marriages and it's not for others to push them either way. I is indeed possible to come out of a bad situation and thrive. I'm nearing 40 years of marriage with the same woman and the sea hasn't always been smooth. However, I've always believed that one who pilots his craft only through well charted waters in calm seas and sunny weather can't truly call himself a sailor.
No planning here, just seeking thoughts and solutions. This is a general discussion site is it not?
I was wondering if someone else would notice/bring up this point.
Seems like your on top of it all? This is a general discussion site is it not?
Didn't know some people took this site so serious? This is a general discussion site is it not? Why read between the lines so seriously? Can people not give solutions unread of trying to
Save the world?
bailadora
We create the dreams.
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Given that most people come to HT seeking advice, that's generally the approach most posters are going to take WRT their responses. And the more people know about you, the more tailored the reply. So as Vix correctly pointed out, context is key.
That's not to say that general discussion doesn't happen on HT, but if that's the intent, most people are going to indicate that in their opening post.
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LindsayRae
Fuck Off
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General Board is for general discussion. How To is a Q&A board and oftentimes an advice board for people. That is why others were guessing/asking if you had a cheating other. And since she's not a wife it's easier to cut the strings and move on at this time. People gave you genuine advice in hopes that they may have/could have helped.
How To isn't a board where you enter it saying to yourself "Well, maybe some day my girfriend/wife/whatever she is may get pregnant...or she may get fat...or she may turn bitchy...she may leave me...so I'd better ask, now, what to do."
bailadora
We create the dreams.
- Joined
- Oct 16, 2007
- Posts
- 3,855
To be fair, the GB is not the only place for general discussion. For those who hate the free for all atmosphere of the the GB, HT Cafe is a wonderful alternative.
