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Old 12-13-2012, 04:17 AM   #1
iDreamInNude
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Question Fuck me why don't you? The all-too-well-known problem of unequal sex drives

I started a very intense relationship 3 months ago with a handsome, scarily intelligent, witty man. Although sex has been infrequent due to busy schedules, it has been, well, earth shattering for me. I've squirted, passed out from orgasms, screamed until my throat ached. And oh the times he's cum inside me, in my pussy, my mouth. He's never gone without such a release (well except when we fucked each other raw that one time) He has struggled with my "rougher" desires, and is hesitant but seems to want to try new things.

Not is it only physically marvellous, I have never been so emotionally connected with someone. And he has expressed the same to me many times.

And yet...

Last night whilst I eagerly sucked on him he sighs and says, "I think your sex drive is too much for me."

This is not the first time this has been brought up... just not so bluntly said.

I feel I should make you more aware of our sex habits. As I said, sex is infrequent and we do not go for hours at a time either. Perhaps an hour or two.

I could not help but feel hurt. "Am I really too sexual?" "Perhaps he doesn't find me that desirable?" I told him that I didn't know how to respond to that. And he didn't know what to say either. I am glad he told me, because I want to find a solution. I'm just not sure what that solution is.

I masturbate everyday almost and although I find it pleasurable, it hardly replaces having the warmth of someones skin slamming against you or simply moving softly under your hands.

I'm not open to finding other sex partners. I want to make this work with him. We do not want to separate because I am more sexually driven than him. It's just neither of us are sure how. And I am looking to creative minds for advice.

Please do share.
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Old 12-13-2012, 10:31 AM   #2
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I really doubt that its a matter of you being "too sexual" or undesirable. When it comes to sex, men often feel like they need to "perform." This can lead to a whole plethora of anxieties, which he may not be entirely comfortable communicating. In a really awkward way, he may just be trying to open a dialog in terms of your expectations. Just speaking from experience, amazing sex can be a lot of work, but at the same time, he may feel the need to perform to a consistently high standard, which may worry him. That amazing sex means he's putting in the extra effort, which is normal in the beginning of any relationship, but he may be worried that he needs to do that every time you "connect"

Maybe you should have an open and honest discussion about your "expectations." Do you expect "earth shattering sex" every single time? Is sex really the foundation of your relationship? I think if you were to communicate in an open and honest manner, that might put him at ease. This may just be a matter of him thinking you want more than you actually do. Dont start the conversation with an accusatory tone; start by acknowledging how hard he's been working to please you...then talk about your "real" expectations. Only problem with amazing sex is that if you praise him too much, he "may" think that that's the standard...He may be having sex less frequently because he feels that having sex with you means he has to move heaven and earth. Awesome when it happens, but a healthy relationship needs a bit of leeway too...Just don't let him get lazy, let the sex happen, but when you really want that fantastic experience make him work for it...and more importantly make him "want it"

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Old 12-13-2012, 10:48 AM   #3
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Everyone always says that guys just constantly think about sex or whatever. Like we could just go a million times. Sex takes a lot out of guys. Perhaps he feels like he isn't keeping up with you.

For me, I can masturbate 5-6 times a day, if I'm super horny. But for sex, 3-4 is pretty intense. Sex takes a lot more out of me than just being a wanky little horndog.

Maybe he's concerned he isn't keeping up. Have an open conversation about it, as said above. If you want to make this work, you may have to supplement your needs with some masturbation, if you need it that much.

Do you know his masturbatory regime?
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Old 12-13-2012, 08:56 PM   #4
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I'm trying to understand the disconnect here. It sounds like the two of you have fabulous and outstanding sex together.

It could be that he's used to chasing the chaste ... to seducing a woman to the point when she finally gives in to her inhibitions. Seeing that you don't seem to have any inhibitions, that might scare him. He might think you've been around the block too many times.

Remind him that great sex takes two people and that he's just as fabulous.
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Old 12-13-2012, 09:26 PM   #5
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I've dealt with this issue all my life and found that the men who can keep up with my drive tend to be "dogs". I married the guy who has the drive of a _____(insert any under sexed animal here) but who is amazing in most other categories. For me the trade off has been worth it for a loving and stable home but it is hard and I struggle daily with not straying. Do some soul searching. The self doubt is one of the hardest things to deal with. I can have 10 men in a day smile at me, compliment me, etc, but when the guy I'm throwing it at won't fuck me it can lead to some self loathing if I allow myself to go there.
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Old 12-13-2012, 10:27 PM   #6
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I have to agree with Domesticity. I love my husband and the trade off has been worth it for me as well; but there are times when the self doubts can be overwhelming. And at times the frustration does spill into other aspects of our lives - often because it is easier to bitch about silly things than admit how rejected and lonely I feel.

Please gentlemen do not take this as a request for offers.
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Old 12-13-2012, 10:55 PM   #7
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Are you open to him using his fingers on/in you while making out, and such?

It's possible that he's willing to "do you" but he may not feel "up" for it as often as you'd like him to be.
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Old 12-13-2012, 10:56 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cornflakegirl78 View Post
Please gentlemen do not take this as a request for offers.
Too late. You're a woman who admitted to being undersexed.

Your PM box will now be flooded.


(I hope not, but that seems to be how it goes)
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Old 12-13-2012, 11:04 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by RawHumor View Post
Too late. You're a woman who admitted to being undersexed.

Your PM box will now be flooded.


(I hope not, but that seems to be how it goes)
Yes but now when I dont reply I wont feel like a bitch.
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Old 12-13-2012, 11:05 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cornflakegirl78 View Post
Yes but now when I dont reply I wont feel like a bitch.
Hahaha that literally made me LOL
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Old 12-13-2012, 11:27 PM   #11
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An idea

I will start by saying that I have only turned sex down once. I really wasn't feeling well and just didn't have "it" in me.

Also, there have been times where my wife has said, "lets fuck" and I wasn't really in the mood, but I know better than to pass on these opportunities.

I will assume you initiate sex more often than he does. I will also assume that when he isn't in the mood, he rejects sex when you come on to him.

Sometimes, I love it when my wife initiates sex like shes a total slut. Other times, that routine actually puts me off sex.

My suggestion (this it how I would like to be approached) is perhaps change into some sexy lingerie and grab your favorite sex toy and go into whichever room he is in. Start playing with your toy while watching him. Make eye contact and don't take your eyes off his. Fantasize, masturbate to some nasty image in your mind... something super hot so he can sense your excitment.

You could also start talking dirty to him, tell him how wet you are and how badly you need to be fucked. Tell him that you want to suck the cum right out of his dick. Get really fucking nasty. Maybe then start masturbating in front of him.

My darkest fantasy is having another guy fuck my wife. From reading this site I have discovered that I am not the only one. Have you ever discussed this with him? If you know for certain that he shares this fanasty, maybe start talking dirty and explain how you saw this hot guy earlier in the day and wanted to fuck him. Describe it in detail. My logic here is that when I NEED to get wood, I think of my wife with a juicy cream pie from some hot guy and my cock is instantly rock hard again. This is especially handy if I cum before her and need to get wood quickly. But be certain that this isn't going to set him off in a bad way. He may not have any desire to see you getting nailed by some other dude and it could totally backfire badly.

If you have shared fantasys, maybe verbalize it while you are masturbating.

He might drop everything and jump right in fucking you senseless, he might not. Hard to say.....

My wife and I have an amazing sex life..... when we have it. Work and life really get in the way and sex just gets bumped. When we are on vacation, we fuck like rabbits. Twice a day for the duration of the trip is standard. When we are at home, some times its once a week, during busy season its like once a month.

Hope that helps.

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Old 12-14-2012, 12:30 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Domesticity View Post
I've dealt with this issue all my life and found that the men who can keep up with my drive tend to be "dogs". I married the guy who has the drive of a _____(insert any under sexed animal here) but who is amazing in most other categories. For me the trade off has been worth it for a loving and stable home but it is hard and I struggle daily with not straying. Do some soul searching. The self doubt is one of the hardest things to deal with. I can have 10 men in a day smile at me, compliment me, etc, but when the guy I'm throwing it at won't fuck me it can lead to some self loathing if I allow myself to go there.
I understand what you mean about the self loathing and doubts. For a variety of reasons, my husband's libido has tanked...stress, weight gain, depression...I know he loves me, but my drive is so much higher than his. I've tried soft, gentle discussion, initiating and throwing myself at him, but it's hit or miss and I hate the rejection when it doesn't work. He is a great guy in all other aspects, but this is a tough one for me because I embrace my sexuality and drive. I have no solution to offer, only sympathy and an ear if you need one.
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Old 12-14-2012, 05:35 PM   #13
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Advice and Best Wishes

First, let me throw something out there that occurred to me as I read the OP. The very first thing I would do is sit down with my partner and find out what was meant by the original comment. It is possible that you've read too much into a one off comment that may have been meant as a compliment. (I say that because I once had an explosive fight with a lover because, in the heat of passion, I made a similar comment and it was interpreted entirely the opposite of how I meant it.)

That said, I've also had a relationship where our sex drives were off timing wise - in order, my drive and preference is morning sex, afternoon sex, and then evening sex. So, in order to keep the OP's relationship on track, I would recommend you have some heart to heart conversations, with no boundaries. Here is how I approach it with a new lover.

Find a time when you'll be uninterrupted. Communicate in advance (a couple of days) that you are going to have a frank conversation about sexual desire. Then, when the time comes, strip completely naked and sit facing each other. Then, one at a time, walk through the five main areas of sexuality.

1. Discuss those sexual acts that you will not perform (or have performed on you).
2. Discuss those sexual acts that you enjoy very much.
3. Discuss timing, specifically when you prefer sex, and how much lead time you need to prepare for sex.
4. Discuss communication - specifically, how to green light sex and how to red light sex - without insulting or hurting the other.
5. Finally, discuss a method where the two of you can set up further frank discussions.

All humans are subject to miscommunication - and the hurt that can come with it - but we can, with the proper tools, ameliorate the effects of miscommunication. Best of luck to you for years of smoking hot sex.
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Old 12-15-2012, 07:20 AM   #14
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idream, i think it's important to understand what he means by this. does he mean he wants a lower frequency of sessions, briefer sessions, both? is it about the timing of when you're intimate together? for example: i'm a morning person, my wife's a night owl, so it takes a bit of careful probing for find out we're both in the mood. like many men, i'm ready to go first thing in the morning. i'm pretty sure she'd rather [something disgusting] than have sex in the morning.

so maybe it's about timing.

it's great your sex is awesome when you have it, but maybe a few more questions need answering here. because i suspect that he's feeling a bit overwhelmed: it's a hard thing for most men to admit, esp in a relatively new relationship. hell, it was really hard for me to admit to myself when i couldn't regularly come more than once in an encounter.

something i don't think was addressed in the OP or your subsequent posts: is there much of an age difference between you?

ed
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Old 12-16-2012, 05:48 AM   #15
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Ok, first let me explain that I know this situation ALL too well. However, as the male. And in my case, yes, it was actually far too much. I shan't bore you with the details except to say that while other people were calling "Bullshit!" on stories involving one man, three women, and seven hours after which the man was the only one still moving under his own power, I sat over in the corner and blushed because I knew they could be telling the truth.

Anyway, there are a myriad number of reasons for a dichotomy in an otherwise happy couple's sex drives. Not least of which is God's little joke to give women their sexual peak fifteen years AFTER a man's. The two of you have already taken the all important first step; communication.

Something you might try is a sensual massage. There are books and videos and probably a terabyte of downloads on the internet about it. I was going to write about it here, but it was getting long, so I pasted it over into a notepad and will probably submit it to the how to section within the next day or two.

But, in the meantime, don't feel like the lone ranger.
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Old 12-16-2012, 06:00 AM   #16
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iDream

just thought I would tell you that you are not alone

and that not all men want sex all the time or even often at all

I was married for 3 years to a man who was insanely sexy, very artistic and creative, and captivated me ---- added bonus: he had the same insane sex drive as me ---- things were wild... and we averaged sex 3 times a day--- in some risky places & risky situations (things I would never repeat today) ---- however, his intensity was a by-product of some serious instabilities.... and those became a very tangible problem when starting a family... end result we got divorced

dated for a few years... and most of the men who had a real strong desire for sex like me were "alpha males" and I just am not interested in an alpha male

legal issues pertaining to my ex-husband who was stalking me, nearly successful at killing me, attempted kidnapping of my son --- and all the attempts to get his parent rights removed to a deaf court who insisted I get married & whoever I married adopt my son so they could "replace a father with a father"


end result is that I married my best friend of many years --- we had actually dated for most of High School... we dearly loved each other.... and, for most purposes the marriage between us was incredible

we were married for 13 years --- but we had problems early on
yet, I had to remain married to him for at least 2 years for this to work out in courts (the whole reason to do this was to protect my son... and he had offered to help me protect son by doing this & adopting him)

our problem..... the one big problem --- I wanted, actually felt like I needed sex at least 2-3 times per week --- compare that to him having interest in sex only every now & then.. I mean really, if he were left to his own sexual rhythms, he would have had sex once every couple of months.... and the most frequent I could ever pull out of him was once every 2-3 weeks

now, when he had a desire for sex ---- it was going to be mind-blowing.... he made damn sure to make up for dry-spell

and when the desire for sex didn't originate with him... there was nothing.. and I mean NOTHING that would change his mind

but I was loosing my mind.....

the more I tried to talk with him about it the worse it got ---- and when we went 6 months with him not even kissing me goodbye in the morning... I considered divorce

we ended up in marriage therapy & I ended up in sex therapy --- because I actually was a sex addict... even though not actively one in this marriage

it was very important to me to stay true to my marriage & not seek out anyone buy my husband --- even though this marriage was founded in a business arrangement

it was very frustrating to offer him everything I knew he really liked & to try so hard but to be told "Sorry, but No" all the damn time -- it was a huge blow to my self-esteem __ I mean how many men are going to say No to a blow job? It didn't matter to me if I was doing him or he was doing me... I could easily get off going down on him.. just the smell of him, the feel of him.. you know..


so, what was the end result ----

he felt pressured... he was truly bothered by my sexuality... it felt like a burden to him & his not wanting sex also made him feel like less of a man

somehow that pressure had to be relieved in order for him to regain any sexual interest

also, somehow my sexuality (not my addiction) needed to be addressed, I really could not go 2-3 months without sexual contact

so we agreed on some "healthy middle ground"

well, if I was climbing the walls, if I was willing to settle for "maintenance sex" then he would "help me out" but I could only use this once every week... now, what he provided as maintenance sex was his decision... if it was just making out & fingering me it was... it was quick & uneventful sex, then it was....

and, when he met my "need" by proving me an outlet.. then I was to leave him alone... not even mention or hint at sex

for me that was the most difficult part of this transition

I was so afraid this was all it was every going to be ---- but I was pleasantly surprised when he started increasing his interest to @ 1 time per month--- and, as always.. he make sure it was well worth the wait

and that became our sexual rythm for the entirety of our marriage

maintenance sex once a week & "real" sex once every 4-8 weeks

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Old 12-16-2012, 11:56 AM   #17
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Old 12-16-2012, 03:39 PM   #18
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Maybe you just have different sex drives.

You aren't too sexual. And there is nothing wrong with him. The problem comes when you settle for this. You think you can deal with it, and that it's not that important. Ten years down the line you find yourself married and unhappy and you don't know what to do about it.

What he said was a little ambiguous though. How was it said? If he is telling you that your sex drive is higher than his and he doesn't want sex as often, listen to him. He is telling you who he is.
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Old 12-17-2012, 09:29 AM   #19
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We should expect diamonds cut diamonds, not diamond cuts tofu,if you are not at the same level, try to settle it in your own way, only you two can do that, other people are just onlookers,so take good care of yourselves.
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Old 12-21-2012, 09:00 AM   #20
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I went through the same thing with my ex. He was and is my complete soul mate on so many levels. When his sex drive was right up there with mine (in our 30's) life was incredible with him. Unfortunately he had a recurring cocaine problem. As years passed his sex drive decreased. I believe the reason was the drug use combined with aging. Eventually his reaction to me was: "do you always have to be touching my dick?" Well snuggling beside him on the couch it seemed only natural that my hand would be on his thigh and then begin to wander upwards. He left me this January. I will never know the true reason as he has had zero contact with me since the email telling me he wasn't happy, wasn't in love with me anymore and wasn't mad at me, he just wasn't coming bak home and not to try to contact him or find him. Broke my heart and I am still wondering....what did I do wrong?
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Old 12-21-2012, 09:18 AM   #21
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^ That's a very sad story. I went through similar with someone many, many years ago, although I was the one who left in the end. I can say with almost 100% certainty that it probably wasn't something you did wrong. You can't mend them if they don't want to mend themselves.
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Old 12-21-2012, 10:32 AM   #22
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Old 12-21-2012, 12:05 PM   #23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Domesticity View Post
I've dealt with this issue all my life and found that the men who can keep up with my drive tend to be "dogs". I married the guy who has the drive of a _____(insert any under sexed animal here) but who is amazing in most other categories. For me the trade off has been worth it for a loving and stable home but it is hard and I struggle daily with not straying. Do some soul searching. The self doubt is one of the hardest things to deal with. I can have 10 men in a day smile at me, compliment me, etc, but when the guy I'm throwing it at won't fuck me it can lead to some self loathing if I allow myself to go there.
I'm not picking on this particular poster because I chose to quote her. Other's have said similar things. I just wanted to comment from the male viewpoint. You all say you're "throwing it at" your husbands and that they don't respond or don't have the same sex drive but have you actually sat down and discussed with them what it is that they like or don't like about sex and what would turn them on more?

My wife and I went through some crazy ups and downs in our 42 years together. Some of them would have ended a lot of marriages. Some of them delt with our sex life and the mismatch of what she liked and what I liked. In many cases we were both wrong in how we tried to get the other more interested because we only saw the world though our own eyes. My wife felt she was doing things that I should have responded to and vice versa but the unfortunate fact is that we weren't on the same sheet of music. As a result, there was more discord than harmony for a lot of years.

Sometimes, things can never be "played in the same key" as it were to continue the analogy. Some people respond to "romance" and others respond to "eroticism". The trick is knowing what your partner wants/needs and not just what you need. It's sometimes necessary to understand what turns the other person on and not just you. You may be "throwing" something at your husband (or in the case of guys who think they are throwing at at their wives) but unfortunately the other isn't ready to catch what's being thrown.

Don't always assume that all men want "raw sex" thrown at them and that all men respond the same way to sexual situations. Somehow you need to each learn what the other wants and likes without any sort of recrimination or judgement. I knew a woman who would blatantly push blowjobs on her husband thinking all men loved blowjobs. When he responded by calling her a sex crazed slut, she shut down completely and started looking for other men who would respond to her way of approaching sexual initiation. She never found out what he might have responded to better, and they eventually ended up divorced. Maybe it's sometimes impossible to reconcile, but open, non-judgemental communication based on facts and not assumptions is key.
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Old 12-21-2012, 01:54 PM   #24
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Originally Posted by iDreamInNude View Post
I started a very intense relationship 3 months ago with a handsome, scarily intelligent, witty man. Although sex has been infrequent due to busy schedules, it has been, well, earth shattering for me. I've squirted, passed out from orgasms, screamed until my throat ached. And oh the times he's cum inside me, in my pussy, my mouth. He's never gone without such a release (well except when we fucked each other raw that one time) He has struggled with my "rougher" desires, and is hesitant but seems to want to try new things.

Not is it only physically marvellous, I have never been so emotionally connected with someone. And he has expressed the same to me many times.

And yet...

Last night whilst I eagerly sucked on him he sighs and says, "I think your sex drive is too much for me."

This is not the first time this has been brought up... just not so bluntly said.

I feel I should make you more aware of our sex habits. As I said, sex is infrequent and we do not go for hours at a time either. Perhaps an hour or two.

I could not help but feel hurt. "Am I really too sexual?" "Perhaps he doesn't find me that desirable?" I told him that I didn't know how to respond to that. And he didn't know what to say either. I am glad he told me, because I want to find a solution. I'm just not sure what that solution is.

I masturbate everyday almost and although I find it pleasurable, it hardly replaces having the warmth of someones skin slamming against you or simply moving softly under your hands.

I'm not open to finding other sex partners. I want to make this work with him. We do not want to separate because I am more sexually driven than him. It's just neither of us are sure how. And I am looking to creative minds for advice.

Please do share.

My boyfriend says to me all the time Im to sexual i want it all the time,And I do need to cum everyday but like you it doesnt replace the feeling of someone skin slamming against you or moving softly under his hands, And I do love him i just work with him in time he sees how i feel about it i think you should tell him you feel closer to him when you are naked under him that why you want just him alot.
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http://forum.literotica.com/member.php?u=1456838

I love to Roleplay i will try to write as much as you or more so Write short or long we can make it work!!

engaged since 2/14/2013

To my writing partners I have not forgot about our threads Away for weekends and not getting on a lot Life getting to me lol.


To my writing parents sorry haven't posted haven't forgot bout you all will post soon
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Old 12-21-2012, 04:31 PM   #25
pplwatching
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Last edited by pplwatching : 12-28-2012 at 03:08 AM.
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