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*glutton for punishment alert* Beginning of story help

N

NervyNewbie

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Aug 30, 2011
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*glutton for punishment alert* Beginning feedback/help please

Hi (again :eek: )

I would very much appreciate all and any criticism on my first mini paragraph of this blumming story (that I told myself I would not start writing yet... :rolleyes: ). I know you will be brutally honest and that is what I am banking on. The reason I didn't want to go straight into writing this story is because I wanted to give myself time to develop a bit and let any negatives in my writing style show up in something I wasn't hugely attached to. I was going to try and write a short 'stroke' story. Dip my toe into the water, so to speak.
I may still go back to this option in time, but I feel like I won't be able to get any sleep until I at least start this darn story. It's taking over my life! *grumbles*

So. Here goes.

Her breaths were coming quicker now. she knew the end was near. Her life swam before her eyes, colourful and vivid. She reared up one last time before she roared with all her might, "MINE!"
Click to expand...

(excuse English spelling of colourful, I have been advised to write in US spellings, but I can't. I shall go through anything I write with a US spell check on before I submit, but to type it feels weird :eek: )

Thank you in advance

NervyNewbie
(well and truly living up to my name)
xx
 
Last edited:
One other question, the "MINE!"... in my head it's
"MIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE" (very loud and long). Does it come across like that or do I need to bump the description up a bit to ensure the reader hears it as I do?

NN
xx
 
I think you could stand to have the "louder" spelling. One way I've seen to handle a stretched vowel is to put a dash after the original spelling and then put the multipes in; ie "Mi-iiiiine!" (This is probably to differentiate between situations where there might be multiple vowels in the normal spelling, though I can't think of any off the top of my head.)

Beyond that, I can't much say. The paragraph works, but without like five times more than that, I can't really make any judgments. I mean, you know? Context matters. :)
 
Thank you, I have written more, but am having a 3rd person\1st person dilemma and I can't decide. I may post it and ask for opinions actually. :)
 
Okay, here goes. Please be aware that this is a first thoughts, draft start.

I started writing 1st person, but now it feels wrong, because as I get further into it I'll need to tell the reader more than this character knows.

Hmmm, decisions, decisions!

Her breaths were coming quicker now. she knew the end was near. Her life swam before her eyes, colourful, vivid and yet no sense of loss. She reared up one last time before she roared with all her might, "MINE!"






I sat bolt upright in bed, panting hard. Beads of sweat dripping off my forehead.
"Eurgh." I grimaced as I wiped them away with my hand. I couldn't get back to sleep after that, tossing and turning,trying each side of the pillow, of the bed, but all to no avail.
Sighing, I pulled on my dressing gown and padded softly down the stairs. The first rays of daylight were just beginning to come through the trees and the early birds were starting to sing. As beautiful as it was, I was in a foul mood.
I spilled the water as I tried to fill the kettle and the lid fell off the coffee jar as I picked it off the counter top, spilling its contents over my bare feet.
I snarled to myself. "Great, just great"
I left the carnage behind me, in no mood to clean up now. Trudging back up the stairs, I turned on the shower and nudged it up to it's hottest setting. Shrugging off my night clothes..... tbc ;)
Click to expand...





...and submit :eek:
 
Last edited:
I have read that 50 times now (roughly ;) ) and I think it's too much. I need to keep the dropping the coffee in, and her reaction to it, but most of the rest can go I think.

I may get this finished by the time I'm 70 :rolleyes:
 
My suggestion?

You're overthinking this. Just go for it and write the damn thing. You don't have to know everything before you put pen to paper (finger to keyboard?). I mean, yeah, there are some things you do need to know... but how much that is varies from writer to writer, and it's rarely "EVERYTHI-IIIING."

Seriously. It's much easier to edit a first draft than to produce a first draft. And second-guessing is the death of creativity. Don't mix the two up. Write first, then ask if it's bad. =)
 
I have to agee with CWatson on this. You are too deliberate. Get the story down, then go back and work on it. It isn't realistic to expect your first draft to be perfect. These aren't the days when paper was scarce and you had to trek many miles into town to buy a new bottle of ink. Write your story, read it, and then fix it where it needs to be improved.
 
:eek:
Massive, massive personal flaw of mine, overthinking :eek:

I know I do it, yet I still really worry about it.
I will try, promise :)

NN
x
 
Over thinking is not a flaw, it just doesn’t need to be used all of the time. Follow CWatson sage advice, write first then edit. You obviously have the story in mind, put it to paper. Get it all written (typed) before you make changes. Then put it away for a day or so before you begin your edit. After you’ve cleaned it up a bit send it around for some honest critiquing. You don’t come across a polished stone naturally and you shouldn’t expect to produce a finished story in one run through. If you try, you’ll drive yourself mad.
 
Fredf2112 said:
... Then put it away for a day or so before you begin your edit. ...
Click to expand...

Then put it away for at least a month, after which you can reread it carefully. You will be amazed at the mistakes you'll find. :eek:

Good writing does not go quickly for most of us.
 
Thank you for the fabulous advice, I really appreciate it.
Have been quickly typing out ideas, every now and then I daydream a scene and I will get it typed out before I lose it so I have a notepad document full of random scenes at the moment, which hasn't made it any easier. Live and learn :)

NN
X
 
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