Old 05-08-2014, 11:13 AM   #1
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I have a friend and his wife loves to say (somewhat) shocking things at casual get-togethers. Some time ago she came out with one that made a huge impression on me.

She said, "My mother always told me that is was important for a wife to give her husband an orgasm every day. Men get horny and need that relief. If a wife didn't do this, she should understand that her man will have to find some other outlet to get that relief."

(Excuse the dated chauvinism of the following, but please don't miss my point.) A wife may not bat an eye at providing food, a clean house, mental support, emotional love and many other forms of comfort to the man she loves, but how many provide, or at least offer to provide, in a similar way, for this most basic "physical need" of their husband?

And a husband should absolutely likewise provide or at least offer similar accommodation to his wife.

I write this as a 54 year old man, married for close to 30 years, who gets 15 minutes of sex three to four times a month and who masturbates alone almost every other day of the year. And I love my wife very much.

Anyone have thoughts?
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Old 05-08-2014, 11:15 AM   #2
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Have more sex?

*nods*
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Old 05-08-2014, 12:01 PM   #3
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My thoughts?

A guy has to learn all the things that may incline his wife towards actually wanting nearly as much sex as he does. That has to do with a whole lot of things, differently for different couples. So the right questions for a guy who gets married to be asking himself, and checking out intentionally every few years:

What can I be doing to make her feel good about herself?
How do I feed the things which make us feel the hots for each other?
Does she have space in her life for recreation, imagination, girl-friendship ...
How far have I got in understanding her body and her soul?
Am I the lover she dreamed of having one day and if not how can I become him?

In short: it's a life-time of attention to a woman's changing needs and desires.

I am not saying it always works out the way the man hopes it will. Yes, there are self-centred morons who fuck most nights; there are loving and caring husbands who lie awake hurting inside. But for all the randomness of that, we've a massive part to play in setting up the possibility of years of regular great sex.

That's my take.
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Old 05-08-2014, 12:05 PM   #4
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If you want me to stop loving your posts Simon you're going to have to stop writing stuff like that



Edit to add - it works the other way too, women have responsibilities in this also

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Old 05-08-2014, 12:24 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by may_I_please View Post
If you want me to stop loving your posts Simon you're going to have to stop writing stuff like that



Edit to add - it works the other way too, women have responsibilities in this also
But I don't.
And, yeah.
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Old 05-08-2014, 01:06 PM   #6
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Shit. If my husband is begging me about sex he's begging me to back off. The only times I'm not taunting him is when he's traveling. I may not make him cum every day, but that's intentional. I'm just building up that wonderful, agonizing pressure.
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Old 05-09-2014, 06:02 PM   #7
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It is a valid point. Sexual intimacy is a need. It isn't on par with food and water but it is a need. Hopefully in a constructive and loving marriage both partners try to keep the other engaged in the manner that Simon indicated.

However, sometimes things aren't going to go as smoothly as we would like. Usually I am more than motivated to jump his bones. However, if I am not feeling it for a while (for any number of reasons that have nothing to do with the quality of our relationship) I don't abandon him.

I think maybe we get too hung up on gender roles and female empowerment that precludes submitting to your husband's authority. My husband has no authority over me (quite the opposite). We are partners. Why is it ok that I insist he spend his saturday morning trimming the hedges but I won't touch his dick unless he executes a flawless routine of sensitivity and sexual motivation?

You want to be liberated? You want to be equal? Grow up. Recognize we all do things for our partners......that is why it is called a partnership. You aren't in the mood? Well guess what, he wasn't in the mood to trim the hedges either. Hopefully most of the time it is romantic and sexual magic, but insisting that always be the case is juvenile and selfish. Don't be above sucking that cock to support your partner.
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Old 05-09-2014, 07:33 PM   #8
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Old 05-09-2014, 07:50 PM   #9
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Suckonsimon, great points!
I'm cut from the submissive cloth, so my view from there is that yes, it IS my duty - and absolute pleasure - to please my man daily.
But my friends are not like me, and what I hear is that they are TIRED. We all have kids in elementary school right now.
I have a theory about what happens. Somewhere in the daily tasks of scheduling, driving kids around, cooking, wiping snotty noses, listening to their SO's gripe about their bosses and traffic, etc., women stop seeing themselves as sexual creatures. Sex is not a priority, and they ARE tired. But once sex is out of their minds, it's really out, and they kind of forget that it's fun, it's connecting, it feels amazing, and it IS a need in a healthy relationship!
So yes, their husbands need to do a few things to help. Here's a short list of examples:
Don't walk in the door from work and launch into a bitch-fest about your day.
Give a real kiss - one that shows a twinkle of desire, not obligation.
Don't insist on turning into the least-sexy creature you can possibly be once you're home. How come people at work get your good clothes and nice manners, and your wife gets the shirtless beer belly, butt-scratching, farting up a storm version of you??
Don't act like sex is a favore you need from her, like she needs to add it to her already-overwhelming to-do list. Show her you WANT her instead; there's a difference.
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Old 05-09-2014, 08:01 PM   #10
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If I were you...

I'd listen to suckonsimon. He's right-on-the-money about all this relationship/sex/no sex shit. Dude speaks from experience, too. Y'all could learn...
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Old 05-09-2014, 08:13 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by suckonsimon View Post
My thoughts?

A guy has to learn all the things that may incline his wife towards actually wanting nearly as much sex as he does. That has to do with a whole lot of things, differently for different couples. So the right questions for a guy who gets married to be asking himself, and checking out intentionally every few years:

What can I be doing to make her feel good about herself?
How do I feed the things which make us feel the hots for each other?
Does she have space in her life for recreation, imagination, girl-friendship ...
How far have I got in understanding her body and her soul?
Am I the lover she dreamed of having one day and if not how can I become him?

In short: it's a life-time of attention to a woman's changing needs and desires.

I am not saying it always works out the way the man hopes it will. Yes, there are self-centred morons who fuck most nights; there are loving and caring husbands who lie awake hurting inside. But for all the randomness of that, we've a massive part to play in setting up the possibility of years of regular great sex.

That's my take.
Sweet one, your wife/so is pretty damn lucky.
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Old 05-10-2014, 12:48 AM   #12
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I think that notion is outdated, most women today work as hard as any man, many even harder, it's not like they are sitting around all day waiting for us to come home so they can satisfy our needs. I will mostly have sex twice a week with my wife, which we both enjoy very much, and the rest of the time when I have the need, I am more than happy to masturbate.
As guys, we also have to understand that while there are a few women with very high sex drives, for the most part, they don't need or desire it nearly as often as we do, and when they do, the emotional side of it plays a far bigger role than it does for us, so if you take that into account, and meet her needs on that score, you will find her being a more enthusiastic lover.
Suckonsimon has made some very good points in the post above.
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Old 05-10-2014, 12:55 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by policywank View Post
It is a valid point. Sexual intimacy is a need. It isn't on par with food and water but it is a need. Hopefully in a constructive and loving marriage both partners try to keep the other engaged in the manner that Simon indicated.

However, sometimes things aren't going to go as smoothly as we would like. Usually I am more than motivated to jump his bones. However, if I am not feeling it for a while (for any number of reasons that have nothing to do with the quality of our relationship) I don't abandon him.

I think maybe we get too hung up on gender roles and female empowerment that precludes submitting to your husband's authority. My husband has no authority over me (quite the opposite). We are partners. Why is it ok that I insist he spend his saturday morning trimming the hedges but I won't touch his dick unless he executes a flawless routine of sensitivity and sexual motivation?

You want to be liberated? You want to be equal? Grow up. Recognize we all do things for our partners......that is why it is called a partnership. You aren't in the mood? Well guess what, he wasn't in the mood to trim the hedges either. Hopefully most of the time it is romantic and sexual magic, but insisting that always be the case is juvenile and selfish. Don't be above sucking that cock to support your partner.
Some very valid points here too, there seems to be some good, balanced opinions coming through here.
I would add that quite often when my sweet wife senses that I am in need, but she is genuinely too tired for the whole circus act, she is happy to oblige me with a handjob, at which she is very gifted, she is great!
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Old 05-13-2014, 09:01 AM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hilton1958 View Post
I think that notion is outdated, most women today work as hard as any man, many even harder, it's not like they are sitting around all day waiting for us to come home so they can satisfy our needs. I will mostly have sex twice a week with my wife, which we both enjoy very much, and the rest of the time when I have the need, I am more than happy to masturbate.
As guys, we also have to understand that while there are a few women with very high sex drives, for the most part, they don't need or desire it nearly as often as we do, and when they do, the emotional side of it plays a far bigger role than it does for us, so if you take that into account, and meet her needs on that score, you will find her being a more enthusiastic lover.
Suckonsimon has made some very good points in the post above.

Valid points. So let me ask the ladies something. You know that your man has a much lower desire for shopping than you do. So if you want or need him to come along do you try to meet his needs? Maybe wear something you know he likes to see you in, take a snack break in a pub (instead of a juice bar), perhaps pick-up a piece of lingerie he will like, suck his dick before during or after?

If he isn't in the mood to shop do you take it upon yourself to try to get him in the mood? Do you drag him around a mall for 3 hours but then refuse a 5 minute hand job because you aren't in the mood? Do you use the prospect of sex as currency to get him to shop?

I know these aren't equivalents. I am just stirring up shit, but there is a point. I love to be pampered and have my needs attended to as much as anybody. However, our current projects an image that if guys want sex they have to earn it with sensitivity but if we want something we just need to ask (or demand) more forcefully. Feels like a rather selective version of equality.

I prefer full romance and emotional connection........but if he picks up dinner on the way home and wants to cash in his credit for a hand job, well we are on the same team aren't we.
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Old 05-13-2014, 12:05 PM   #15
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I have several thoughts.

While I'm sure there are some people who just never had very high sexual needs, I wonder if some of the problem is aging and declining hormone levels. My life -- including but not limited to libido and ease of lubricating -- was changed enormously by starting on bio-identical hormone replacement therapy in my early 50s. (Thank you, testosterone and estrogen, respectively.) Best. Decision. Ever.

The sex-intimacy link works differently for women and men. I always knew I needed to feel a sense of intimacy before I wanted sex; for my husband, intimacy comes from sex. Based on numerous things I've read, this is pretty common. It's weird to look back on this now, but for years we recognized this and yet still found ourselves at something of a standoff. Stubbornness? Now we somehow have more of a constant feedback loop. Now we are both much freer about expressing appreciation of each other and for things the other does for us. It's kinda magic.

Feeling desired and attractive is a huge aphrodisiac for me. For years my husband didn't do much to let me know he found me attractive and that he wanted me (not just that he wanted sex, but that he wanted sex with me). Big mistake.

How about health and fitness? Eating better and getting strong have contributed a lot to my overall sense of wellbeing, my comfort with my own body, and my energy levels -- all of which fuels a sense of myself as a sexual being!

Just my own thoughts, based mostly on my own experiences.
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Old 05-13-2014, 12:34 PM   #16
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In response to Prof_Emma above ...

As a husband I hear and know what you say about her feeling desired and attractive being an aphrodisiac. I'd want to add that it's a kind of win-win for the guy because, when I do express my appreciation of her sexiness, she does actually become even more sexy in my perception and I love that!

Another thing which I know feeds her desire to have sex with me is, frankly, that she can expect a really satisfying orgasm from me fucking her. OK there are times when we want that and it doesn't work out, and there a times when she doesn't want that but wants to satisfy me for my own sake. But her knowledge, from experience, that most times she will go to the stars while I see to her, is another aphrodisiac I guess.

I am quite clear that me being able to do that for her is about two things and neither of them are the 'size' thing: She feels cherished by me non-sexually as well as sexually; I have taken the trouble to learn ... how to light her fireworks.
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Old 05-13-2014, 12:39 PM   #17
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Some interesting responses.

I think my wife's (and perhaps many other women's) seemingly "low sex drive" stems from upbringing, family and cultural factors. I just happened to meet her in college at the one moment in her life when she had the opportunity to have more sex and few responsibilities or other forces to keep her from having it. Once "real life" kicked in, she found many other things to put before sex. Family, career, housekeeping (yes, I help with chores), friends, hobbies.

Desire is part biological and part psychological. Whatever one makes a priority gets done and other things fall in line behind. Sex is my #1 priority (or close to it) and it falls somewhere in the mid-teens for her. I still love her.
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Old 05-13-2014, 03:13 PM   #18
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My wife is "available" anytime I want. But there's no fun in that.
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Old 05-14-2014, 02:45 AM   #19
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Quote:
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My wife is "available" anytime I want. But there's no fun in that.
How is that not fun? I mean, to just grab her and take her whenever, however you want . . .
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Old 05-14-2014, 04:21 AM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MrSneakyinPA View Post
My wife is "available" anytime I want. But there's no fun in that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by elocin13 View Post
How is that not fun? I mean, to just grab her and take her whenever, however you want . . .
I took Sneaky to mean that she is loving toward him but her fire doesn't get lit. Right, Sneaky? If so, that poses a whole set of other questions with a huge array of potential answers.
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Old 05-15-2014, 09:11 AM   #21
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Quote:
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My wife is "available" anytime I want. But there's no fun in that.
That is a good point. Pop culture projects an image of men as being nothing but walking hard-ons happy to stick their dick into anything. As men mature they want to be desired as much as anybody - it needs to be a two-way street.

There have been numerous insightful comments on cultivating desire among women. A good husband seeks to understand and respond to her unique personality.

However, I know lots of women for which it is a one-way street. Wooing them is an elaborate, rare and mysterious ritual that can go wrong at any point. Yet they feel that all they have to do is take a shower and show up. In the extreme the message she is projecting is essentially "I don't have desire for you, only the things that you can do for me." That starts to feel an awful lot like paying for sex and men will eventually decide to go somewhere where they get their money's worth.

Most of the time I have genuine desire for my husband. And he can tell the difference between that and simply making myself "available". Of course he prefers the former, but being "available" even when I am not horny is still a net positive to him.

It isn't either/or. Making myself "unavailable" when I am not in the mood wouldn't put me in the mood more or make it more special when I am in the mood. And in my case he focusses that much more on my satisfaction because I don't use it as an ultimatum. I would be very concerned if I had to ration his access to sex to keep him focussed.
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Old 05-15-2014, 12:01 PM   #22
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^^^
Really insightful stuff in this post above! Thanks, policywank!

I guess for me, my woman's genuine wish to understand and appreciate the aspects of my sexual appetite means a great deal to me.

Another thing there: Way back we made a pact that she would never fake an orgasm. And that's been good. But, on the occasions when she isn't seeking one, she is SO flipping good at giving me a feed-back commentary about my own arousal! So, yeah, those are the times she is being "available" to me, but she makes it a whole other kind of pleasure for me, making me feel like some fantastic stud while I fuck her, by the responses she is choosing to make with her words and looks and with her body.
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Old 05-15-2014, 12:06 PM   #23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by policywank View Post
It is a valid point. Sexual intimacy is a need. It isn't on par with food and water but it is a need. Hopefully in a constructive and loving marriage both partners try to keep the other engaged in the manner that Simon indicated.

However, sometimes things aren't going to go as smoothly as we would like. Usually I am more than motivated to jump his bones. However, if I am not feeling it for a while (for any number of reasons that have nothing to do with the quality of our relationship) I don't abandon him.

I think maybe we get too hung up on gender roles and female empowerment that precludes submitting to your husband's authority. My husband has no authority over me (quite the opposite). We are partners. Why is it ok that I insist he spend his saturday morning trimming the hedges but I won't touch his dick unless he executes a flawless routine of sensitivity and sexual motivation?

You want to be liberated? You want to be equal? Grow up. Recognize we all do things for our partners......that is why it is called a partnership. You aren't in the mood? Well guess what, he wasn't in the mood to trim the hedges either. Hopefully most of the time it is romantic and sexual magic, but insisting that always be the case is juvenile and selfish. Don't be above sucking that cock to support your partner.
Great post well written thanks!
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Old 05-16-2014, 02:41 AM   #24
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Quote:
Originally Posted by policywank View Post
That is a good point. Pop culture projects an image of men as being nothing but walking hard-ons happy to stick their dick into anything. As men mature they want to be desired as much as anybody - it needs to be a two-way street.

There have been numerous insightful comments on cultivating desire among women. A good husband seeks to understand and respond to her unique personality.

However, I know lots of women for which it is a one-way street. Wooing them is an elaborate, rare and mysterious ritual that can go wrong at any point. Yet they feel that all they have to do is take a shower and show up. In the extreme the message she is projecting is essentially "I don't have desire for you, only the things that you can do for me." That starts to feel an awful lot like paying for sex and men will eventually decide to go somewhere where they get their money's worth.

Most of the time I have genuine desire for my husband. And he can tell the difference between that and simply making myself "available". Of course he prefers the former, but being "available" even when I am not horny is still a net positive to him.

It isn't either/or. Making myself "unavailable" when I am not in the mood wouldn't put me in the mood more or make it more special when I am in the mood. And in my case he focusses that much more on my satisfaction because I don't use it as an ultimatum. I would be very concerned if I had to ration his access to sex to keep him focussed.

Good explantation. I suppose my own definition of "available" means a passionate yes, but I can remember back when I was in a bad relationship and I would grudgingly comply . . . one could call that "available," I suppose.
But now my availability is eager, desire-filled willingness.

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Old 05-29-2014, 03:46 PM   #25
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Good explantation. I suppose my own definition of "available" means a passionate yes, but I can remember back when I was in a bad relationship and I would grudgingly comply . . . one could call that "available," I suppose.
But now my availability is eager, desire-filled willingness.

I see your point but I certainly never feel as though I am grudgingly complying. We have a good relationship and I am usually driven by eager, desire-filled willingness. However, we all have our off days and in that context we compromise. If I am really off he knows to leave me alone. Conversely if I am in a good mood but not super horny while he is horny and has been very patient and kind, hey giving a BJ to the man I love isn't exactly the worst burden.
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