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Old 08-08-2014, 08:25 PM   #1
Hypoxia
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Please allow me to introduce myself, la la la

I'm Hypoxia [gasp!] Smurf. Some of you may have read my story submissions here. Some of you may have seen the few pieces (so far) that are posted at poems. More are in the queue, and more will join them. I'll explain.

I am more a songwriter than a poet. Yes, I've written free verse. Yes, I write a lot of haiku -- but I often try to force-fit my haiku into 12-bar blues format. It can be done... with a large enough hammer. I mostly think of my non-prose writings as song lyrics. Many even have melodies and harmonic structures!

(Poets get little respect in the Anglophone world. Songwriters get paid, at least.)

I write some love songs, some romantic songs, but I mostly write rude songs and parodies. (I'll eventually post my version of a Bill Haley classic; mine is called SEE YA LATER, MASTURBATOR.) I have a folder filled with zillions of such, mostly pretty bad. I am now revisiting and revising those, and posting likely candidates here.

Much of my work is NOT suitable on LIT. Here's one I won't post:

(Doing The) MONTEZUMA TROT

[slow jittery waltz w/ tubas]

When you're hot, you're hot (hot)
And when you're not, you're not (not)
So give it all you've got (got)
Doing the Montezuma Trot (trot)
-
Suck some hot microbes (robe)
And another batch for the road (road)
An inside war's being fought (hot)
Doing the Montezuma Trot (trot)
-
[bridge:]
. Your body's shot to hell
.. You squirted foul juices and smells
... You twitched, spasmed and fell
.... The pathologists knew you well
-
Turn bright red and green (green)
From your ears, blow off steam (steam)
Now give it all you've got (got)
Doing the Montezuma Trot (trot)

There you have it -- an exclusive! I'll be selective on what I do post, I promise.
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Hypoxia's Literotica postings - "You write well, so STFU and do more writing. Wimp." -JAMESBJOHNSON, bullshitter

A Fall of Stardust (Nude Day) - "Hagh. cha' qab entries vaj contest. 'ej batlh cha' tlhIH suck, ghewmey, jaj Qu'lIj'e' bup chaH." -Anon
Jenny Be Fair 02 (incest-humor) - "Total shit - smug, shit-eating, stupid and up-your-own ass... No stars." -Anon
What Is Cheating? (essay) - "Rumblin', stumblin', bumblin' BARF! I don't think an editor would help this mess. Was there a point? There certainly didn't seem to be a storyline." -Anon
Under His Eyes (satire) - "YOU ARE A SICK FUCK. WHY WOULD YOU WRITE THIS HORRIBLY VILE STORY. THIS IS HUMANITY AT ITS WORST. I ONLY SKIMMED TO SEE WHAT CRAP IT WAS. YOU NEED TO BE LOCKED AWAY FROM ANYONE YOU COULD HURT FOR REAL. MINUS 1 BILLION ISN'T ENOUGH. DON'T WRITE ANYMORE." -Anon
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Old 08-08-2014, 09:26 PM   #2
Trixareforkids
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I have to say that I think your post is completely inappropriate! Mwahaha. Couldn't say it with a straight face.

Ya shoulda put it on my Shits and Giggles thread

It tends to be quieter over here. So thanks for the fun splash (belly flop?) into the poetry pool.
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Old 08-08-2014, 10:47 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trixareforkids View Post
I have to say that I think your post is completely inappropriate! Mwahaha. Couldn't say it with a straight face.
Oh, you want inappropriate? Visit Guatemala and listen to the chants of the women on the streets selling handmade crafts (often brilliant fabrics) as they walk about:

Buy One From ME-ee

Buy one from ME-ee!
Special for YOU-ou!
How much you PAY-ay?
So buy a-NOTHER one!
-
All made by HA-and!
I made it my-SE-elf!
What color you WA-ant?
Buy one from ME-ee!
-
Wha-at's you NA-ame?
Whe-ere you FRO-om?
Th-ey talk SPANISH there?
Buy one from ME-ee!
-
Only a HUN-dred!
Quetzal's, not DOL-lars!
I got one your SI-ize!
Buy one from ME-ee!
-
Buy one of MI-ine!
This one is DIFF-rent!
You gonna LIKE it!
Buy one from ME-ee!
Buy one from ME-ee!
Buy one from ME-ee!

Quote:
Ya shoulda put it on my Shits and Giggles thread
Oooh, that sounds like fun. Bump it so I can see it, okay?

Quote:
It tends to be quieter over here. So thanks for the fun splash (belly flop?) into the poetry pool.
I've noticed that poetry gets fewer views but more comments. Maybe I can promote a few of my better songs and drag more eyeballs over here. Stay tuned for CIMARRON ROSE (that pump-suckin', stump-thumpin', pearl-handled Texican grrl) and EVEN FEMALE PENGUINS PROSTITUTE THEMSELVES FOR A PEBBLE.
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Hypoxia's Literotica postings - "You write well, so STFU and do more writing. Wimp." -JAMESBJOHNSON, bullshitter

A Fall of Stardust (Nude Day) - "Hagh. cha' qab entries vaj contest. 'ej batlh cha' tlhIH suck, ghewmey, jaj Qu'lIj'e' bup chaH." -Anon
Jenny Be Fair 02 (incest-humor) - "Total shit - smug, shit-eating, stupid and up-your-own ass... No stars." -Anon
What Is Cheating? (essay) - "Rumblin', stumblin', bumblin' BARF! I don't think an editor would help this mess. Was there a point? There certainly didn't seem to be a storyline." -Anon
Under His Eyes (satire) - "YOU ARE A SICK FUCK. WHY WOULD YOU WRITE THIS HORRIBLY VILE STORY. THIS IS HUMANITY AT ITS WORST. I ONLY SKIMMED TO SEE WHAT CRAP IT WAS. YOU NEED TO BE LOCKED AWAY FROM ANYONE YOU COULD HURT FOR REAL. MINUS 1 BILLION ISN'T ENOUGH. DON'T WRITE ANYMORE." -Anon
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Old 08-09-2014, 12:33 AM   #4
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I like you already. You're wrong in just the right way

I'm off to do da bumpity thing.
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Old 08-09-2014, 02:14 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trixareforkids View Post
I like you already. You're wrong in just the right way

I'm off to do da bumpity thing.
Happy bumpola!
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Hypoxia's Literotica postings - "You write well, so STFU and do more writing. Wimp." -JAMESBJOHNSON, bullshitter

A Fall of Stardust (Nude Day) - "Hagh. cha' qab entries vaj contest. 'ej batlh cha' tlhIH suck, ghewmey, jaj Qu'lIj'e' bup chaH." -Anon
Jenny Be Fair 02 (incest-humor) - "Total shit - smug, shit-eating, stupid and up-your-own ass... No stars." -Anon
What Is Cheating? (essay) - "Rumblin', stumblin', bumblin' BARF! I don't think an editor would help this mess. Was there a point? There certainly didn't seem to be a storyline." -Anon
Under His Eyes (satire) - "YOU ARE A SICK FUCK. WHY WOULD YOU WRITE THIS HORRIBLY VILE STORY. THIS IS HUMANITY AT ITS WORST. I ONLY SKIMMED TO SEE WHAT CRAP IT WAS. YOU NEED TO BE LOCKED AWAY FROM ANYONE YOU COULD HURT FOR REAL. MINUS 1 BILLION ISN'T ENOUGH. DON'T WRITE ANYMORE." -Anon
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Old 08-10-2014, 09:50 AM   #6
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welcome!

happy postings
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Old 08-10-2014, 12:48 PM   #7
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Welcome to the PoBo. Here is your survival kit. Good luck.
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Old 08-10-2014, 02:08 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tsotha View Post
Welcome to the PoBo. Here is your survival kit. Good luck.
Thank you! Yes, an empty sack, same as I was issued at birth and graduation. Survival? A waiting game that trends toward the inevitable. Throw the loaded dice, and hope.

Meanwhile, I'm posting pieces from my SONGS OF SEX AND DEATH folder. Much doggerel and rhyme; a few bright zirconium crystals buried in the equine manure; moving targets for criticism (well-deserved). How will these be received? Depends on how they're consumed. I recommend a scoop of xalapeño salsa.
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Hypoxia's Literotica postings - "You write well, so STFU and do more writing. Wimp." -JAMESBJOHNSON, bullshitter

A Fall of Stardust (Nude Day) - "Hagh. cha' qab entries vaj contest. 'ej batlh cha' tlhIH suck, ghewmey, jaj Qu'lIj'e' bup chaH." -Anon
Jenny Be Fair 02 (incest-humor) - "Total shit - smug, shit-eating, stupid and up-your-own ass... No stars." -Anon
What Is Cheating? (essay) - "Rumblin', stumblin', bumblin' BARF! I don't think an editor would help this mess. Was there a point? There certainly didn't seem to be a storyline." -Anon
Under His Eyes (satire) - "YOU ARE A SICK FUCK. WHY WOULD YOU WRITE THIS HORRIBLY VILE STORY. THIS IS HUMANITY AT ITS WORST. I ONLY SKIMMED TO SEE WHAT CRAP IT WAS. YOU NEED TO BE LOCKED AWAY FROM ANYONE YOU COULD HURT FOR REAL. MINUS 1 BILLION ISN'T ENOUGH. DON'T WRITE ANYMORE." -Anon
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Old 08-10-2014, 02:37 PM   #9
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SONGS SEX AND DEATH

catchy title
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Old 08-10-2014, 03:36 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by butters View Post
SONGS SEX AND DEATH

catchy title
Thank you.

Cribbed, of course, from the old Print Mint seriesTALES OF SEX AND DEATH. Ramsey Campbell stole that title more directly. I have another folder of songs inspired by the Print Mint series INSECT FEAR but those might not go over too well on LIT. Mated by a giant praying mantis or penetrated by an immense wasp or mosquito probably violates the LIT bestiality ban.
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Hypoxia's Literotica postings - "You write well, so STFU and do more writing. Wimp." -JAMESBJOHNSON, bullshitter

A Fall of Stardust (Nude Day) - "Hagh. cha' qab entries vaj contest. 'ej batlh cha' tlhIH suck, ghewmey, jaj Qu'lIj'e' bup chaH." -Anon
Jenny Be Fair 02 (incest-humor) - "Total shit - smug, shit-eating, stupid and up-your-own ass... No stars." -Anon
What Is Cheating? (essay) - "Rumblin', stumblin', bumblin' BARF! I don't think an editor would help this mess. Was there a point? There certainly didn't seem to be a storyline." -Anon
Under His Eyes (satire) - "YOU ARE A SICK FUCK. WHY WOULD YOU WRITE THIS HORRIBLY VILE STORY. THIS IS HUMANITY AT ITS WORST. I ONLY SKIMMED TO SEE WHAT CRAP IT WAS. YOU NEED TO BE LOCKED AWAY FROM ANYONE YOU COULD HURT FOR REAL. MINUS 1 BILLION ISN'T ENOUGH. DON'T WRITE ANYMORE." -Anon
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Old 08-10-2014, 09:40 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hypoxia View Post
Thank you.

Cribbed, of course, from the old Print Mint seriesTALES OF SEX AND DEATH. Ramsey Campbell stole that title more directly. I have another folder of songs inspired by the Print Mint series INSECT FEAR but those might not go over too well on LIT. Mated by a giant praying mantis or penetrated by an immense wasp or mosquito probably violates the LIT bestiality ban.
Ugh one of those pictures has 8 legs and perhaps someone should point out it is not an insect!!
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Blessed are the cracked for it is they that let in the light
They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient.
But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.
If at first you don't succeed....skydiving is not for you ....
If you don't pay your exorcist .... do you get repossessed?
I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
....But I, being poor, have only my dreams, I have spread my dreams under your feet,Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.......
Nil Caborundum illigitimi
Sestina slut
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Old 08-10-2014, 11:53 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hypoxia View Post
Thank you.

Cribbed, of course, from the old Print Mint seriesTALES OF SEX AND DEATH. Ramsey Campbell stole that title more directly. I have another folder of songs inspired by the Print Mint series INSECT FEAR but those might not go over too well on LIT. Mated by a giant praying mantis or penetrated by an immense wasp or mosquito probably violates the LIT bestiality ban.
*quirks eyebrow* That reminds me of a few weird horror tales. But yeah, I don't think "mated by a giant praying mantis" would last very long, if it was even published.
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Old 08-11-2014, 06:48 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tsotha View Post
*quirks eyebrow* That reminds me of a few weird horror tales. But yeah, I don't think "mated by a giant praying mantis" would last very long, if it was even published.
Well, let's see:

MY GIANT PRAYING MANTIS - [fast tekno beat]

O one spring day, everything changed
O I fell in love with my giant praying mantis
She's so fast and strong, she's so slim and long
And she's got those eyes, eyes that hypnotize
And she's got those arms and her insectile charms
-
[chorus:]
O I'm so in love, O I'm so in love
With my giant praying mantis
With my giant praying mantis
With my giant praying mantis
-
O one spring night, everything turned out right
O I fell in love with my giant praying mantis
All my friends say I'm a fool and I better stop my drooling
And I gotta regain my cool and I better go back to school
But I'm lost in a trance and I'm gonna lose my pants
[chorus]
-
O now I'm so in love and I'm helpless as a dove
Now I now that I'm a jerk and I know that this can't work
'Cause we have dif'rent complexions, we go dif'rent directions
And we have dif'rent religions and very different digestions
And our reproductive organs only fit together by forcing
And she'll only bite my head off
And devour me when she's done with me
[chorus]
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Hypoxia's Literotica postings - "You write well, so STFU and do more writing. Wimp." -JAMESBJOHNSON, bullshitter

A Fall of Stardust (Nude Day) - "Hagh. cha' qab entries vaj contest. 'ej batlh cha' tlhIH suck, ghewmey, jaj Qu'lIj'e' bup chaH." -Anon
Jenny Be Fair 02 (incest-humor) - "Total shit - smug, shit-eating, stupid and up-your-own ass... No stars." -Anon
What Is Cheating? (essay) - "Rumblin', stumblin', bumblin' BARF! I don't think an editor would help this mess. Was there a point? There certainly didn't seem to be a storyline." -Anon
Under His Eyes (satire) - "YOU ARE A SICK FUCK. WHY WOULD YOU WRITE THIS HORRIBLY VILE STORY. THIS IS HUMANITY AT ITS WORST. I ONLY SKIMMED TO SEE WHAT CRAP IT WAS. YOU NEED TO BE LOCKED AWAY FROM ANYONE YOU COULD HURT FOR REAL. MINUS 1 BILLION ISN'T ENOUGH. DON'T WRITE ANYMORE." -Anon
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Old 08-18-2014, 01:47 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hypoxia View Post
O now I'm so in love and I'm helpless as a dove
Now I now that I'm a jerk and I know that this can't work
'Cause we have dif'rent complexions, we go dif'rent directions
And we have dif'rent religions and very different digestions
And our reproductive organs only fit together by forcing
And she'll only bite my head off
And devour me when she's done with me
[chorus]
Very good.

And now I'm stuck picturing sex with a giant mantis.
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Old 08-18-2014, 02:07 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by Tsotha View Post
Very good.

And now I'm stuck picturing sex with a giant mantis.
Could be worse. I listened to a CBC discussion this morning about the novel "bear" by marian engel.
It's about a bored woman starting a sexual relationship with a bear who lives in her shed.
Can't shake the images.
Crazy canucks
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Old 08-18-2014, 03:58 PM   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pensivepoet View Post
Could be worse. I listened to a CBC discussion this morning about the novel "bear" by marian engel.
It's about a bored woman starting a sexual relationship with a bear who lives in her shed.
Can't shake the images.
Crazy canucks
If it were a were-bear, it would qualify for LIT. Same with a were-mantis. As it happens, I found a 4in / 10cm mantis walking across my desk yesterday. I carefully put her outside on the covered back porch. This morning, she's hanging on the FRONT porch fan. Too small for sex, but one can dream, right?

Re: crazy canucks: Have you seen any stories about bestiality or were-sex with moose, caribous, wolverines, walruses, manitous, etc? Should be natural subjects, eh? Of course we all know about R.Crumb's classics of sasquatch sex. And were-walrus sex would just be a sub-genre of selkie stories. But I think werewolverine sex is a rich untapped vein of sensuous storytelling. And poetry and song.

i love my little walrus and i hope that he loves me
although i live upon the shore and he stinks of the sea
he never brushes his nasty tusks but i love him anyway
he always arrives at sundown -- we have all night to play


etc
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Hypoxia's Literotica postings - "You write well, so STFU and do more writing. Wimp." -JAMESBJOHNSON, bullshitter

A Fall of Stardust (Nude Day) - "Hagh. cha' qab entries vaj contest. 'ej batlh cha' tlhIH suck, ghewmey, jaj Qu'lIj'e' bup chaH." -Anon
Jenny Be Fair 02 (incest-humor) - "Total shit - smug, shit-eating, stupid and up-your-own ass... No stars." -Anon
What Is Cheating? (essay) - "Rumblin', stumblin', bumblin' BARF! I don't think an editor would help this mess. Was there a point? There certainly didn't seem to be a storyline." -Anon
Under His Eyes (satire) - "YOU ARE A SICK FUCK. WHY WOULD YOU WRITE THIS HORRIBLY VILE STORY. THIS IS HUMANITY AT ITS WORST. I ONLY SKIMMED TO SEE WHAT CRAP IT WAS. YOU NEED TO BE LOCKED AWAY FROM ANYONE YOU COULD HURT FOR REAL. MINUS 1 BILLION ISN'T ENOUGH. DON'T WRITE ANYMORE." -Anon
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Old 08-18-2014, 04:39 PM   #17
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Coo coo ca choo
Moose eh? Hmmm...not sure i could do a critter that charges freight trains.
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Old 08-18-2014, 05:25 PM   #18
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Coo coo ca choo
Moose eh? Hmmm...not sure i could do a critter that charges freight trains.
I have a brother-in-law with that predilection. Dumb as a moose. About as large. And smelly. And determined.

I have had close moose encounters. None sexual, whew.

* Lounging in a hot spring near the Arctic Circle in Alaska under the aurora-charged night sky with moose walking by, not six feet away.
* Walking in Utah's Wasatch range when I noticed a young moose on one side of me and mama on the other side -- I stepped away quickly.
* Stopped in a porcupine-filled valley in Yukon and a moose walked by, her belly-bottom on level with my pickup's roof.

Bear encounters, too.

* I chased a black bear down a road in Near Mt Hebo, Oregon, its fuzzy butt flapping as it ran in front of me.
* Two cubs and their mama jumped over my sleeping bag (with me in it) at a Crater Lake campground one night.
* Bears rifle my neighbors' trash cans, right here near Lake Tahoe, so I don't take out garbage till an hour before the trash truck is due.

No walrus encounters. I've been up-close (six feet away) from sea lions at a beach near Sana Cruz, California. Bad breath, let me tell you! And I've dodged harbor seals lounging on the coast highway near Hearst Castle. No wolverine nor werewolverine meets. No manitous, whew. A few embodied dust devils. Alien abductions? I wouldn't remember, now would I? And no giant mantids. Yet. But the day is young.
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Hypoxia's Literotica postings - "You write well, so STFU and do more writing. Wimp." -JAMESBJOHNSON, bullshitter

A Fall of Stardust (Nude Day) - "Hagh. cha' qab entries vaj contest. 'ej batlh cha' tlhIH suck, ghewmey, jaj Qu'lIj'e' bup chaH." -Anon
Jenny Be Fair 02 (incest-humor) - "Total shit - smug, shit-eating, stupid and up-your-own ass... No stars." -Anon
What Is Cheating? (essay) - "Rumblin', stumblin', bumblin' BARF! I don't think an editor would help this mess. Was there a point? There certainly didn't seem to be a storyline." -Anon
Under His Eyes (satire) - "YOU ARE A SICK FUCK. WHY WOULD YOU WRITE THIS HORRIBLY VILE STORY. THIS IS HUMANITY AT ITS WORST. I ONLY SKIMMED TO SEE WHAT CRAP IT WAS. YOU NEED TO BE LOCKED AWAY FROM ANYONE YOU COULD HURT FOR REAL. MINUS 1 BILLION ISN'T ENOUGH. DON'T WRITE ANYMORE." -Anon
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Old 08-18-2014, 05:28 PM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hypoxia View Post
I have a brother-in-law with that predilection. Dumb as a moose. About as large. And smelly. And determined.

I have had close moose encounters. None sexual, whew.

* Lounging in a hot spring near the Arctic Circle in Alaska under the aurora-charged night sky with moose walking by, not six feet away.
* Walking in Utah's Wasatch range when I noticed a young moose on one side of me and mama on the other side -- I stepped away quickly.
* Stopped in a porcupine-filled valley in Yukon and a moose walked by, her belly-bottom on level with my pickup's roof.

Bear encounters, too.

* I chased a black bear down a road in Near Mt Hebo, Oregon, its fuzzy butt flapping as it ran in front of me.
* Two cubs and their mama jumped over my sleeping bag (with me in it) at a Crater Lake campground one night.
* Bears rifle my neighbors' trash cans, right here near Lake Tahoe, so I don't take out garbage till an hour before the trash truck is due.

No walrus encounters. I've been up-close (six feet away) from sea lions at a beach near Sana Cruz, California. Bad breath, let me tell you! And I've dodged harbor seals lounging on the coast highway near Hearst Castle. No wolverine nor werewolverine meets. No manitous, whew. A few embodied dust devils. Alien abductions? I wouldn't remember, now would I? And no giant mantids. Yet. But the day is young.


This comes to mind.
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Old 08-18-2014, 05:55 PM   #20
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Thanks tsoth, that made me laugh out loud.
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Old 08-18-2014, 06:48 PM   #21
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Then there was the time a squirrel picked my pockets. Maybe that doesn't count.

EDIT: Okay, I'll document the event.

PICKPOCKET SQUIRREL

at the Fleishhacker Zoo
sitting on a wispy bench
minding my own business
a grey squirrel approaches
beady eyes, greedy hands
frisks me, head to toe, every pocket and gap
pulls the granola bar from my blouse
removes Chiclets from the jacket beside me
leaves my pens and notebook undisturbed
writer's immunity
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Hypoxia's Literotica postings - "You write well, so STFU and do more writing. Wimp." -JAMESBJOHNSON, bullshitter

A Fall of Stardust (Nude Day) - "Hagh. cha' qab entries vaj contest. 'ej batlh cha' tlhIH suck, ghewmey, jaj Qu'lIj'e' bup chaH." -Anon
Jenny Be Fair 02 (incest-humor) - "Total shit - smug, shit-eating, stupid and up-your-own ass... No stars." -Anon
What Is Cheating? (essay) - "Rumblin', stumblin', bumblin' BARF! I don't think an editor would help this mess. Was there a point? There certainly didn't seem to be a storyline." -Anon
Under His Eyes (satire) - "YOU ARE A SICK FUCK. WHY WOULD YOU WRITE THIS HORRIBLY VILE STORY. THIS IS HUMANITY AT ITS WORST. I ONLY SKIMMED TO SEE WHAT CRAP IT WAS. YOU NEED TO BE LOCKED AWAY FROM ANYONE YOU COULD HURT FOR REAL. MINUS 1 BILLION ISN'T ENOUGH. DON'T WRITE ANYMORE." -Anon

Last edited by Hypoxia : 08-18-2014 at 07:03 PM.
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Old 08-18-2014, 07:15 PM   #22
Tsotha
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He finds squirrels untrustworthy.
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Old 08-18-2014, 08:15 PM   #23
pensivepoet
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That reminds me of the time me and ol Dan'l Boone were riding our camels through the blue ridge mountains, sun blazin down on our sombreros that we stole from pancho villa.
Anyway, like i was saying, there was 8 feet of snow and the squirrel's nuts was all frozen...
~where'd we get the camels?
Well, that's another story
Anyway,...shit. Where was I?
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Old 08-18-2014, 09:12 PM   #24
Trixareforkids
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And this reminds me of a favorite in my house

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=0nKG_O0Ei_o

You just got served
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Old 08-18-2014, 09:36 PM   #25
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Trixareforkids View Post
And this reminds me of a favorite in my house

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=0nKG_O0Ei_o

You just got served
Well, where there's nuts, there's bound to be squirrels. This board pretty much proves the theory.
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