New And Conflicting Ideas

So I'm knew to the world of D/s and I've, so far, had two very different experiences with two DOMs. The first was quite inexperienced and things started out awkward and just grew in that direction. He started very possessive insisting I was his and screening everyone I talked to on Lit. We didn't take too much time to get to know each other and it all felt very rushed. But, as I didn't know any different I just went on. Eventually, with the first DOM's premimsion, I started speaking, with another, more experienced DOM. Talking with him was much more structured and consistent where as with the first things were chaotic and spuratic. It was my experience talking with the second DOM that I came to realize how non-functional my relationship with the other DOM was. So I talked to the first DOM about it and we decided that since he really didn't have enough experience it was best for the two of us to part and for me to seek training else where. (We parted and still are on good terms.)

Don't worry I didn't rush right into the same mistake of committing myself too soon. We still talk and I haven't asked him to be my MASTER yet, as tempting as it is, because he keeps telling me that the great relationship we have started is apparently not common. I'm eager to learn from him and we talk about more than just things pertaining to D/s. Our conversations seem to flow seamlessly between the mundane world and the formality of you D/s statuses. Things I would never think that please him just little things about me seem to bring him great joy and he seems to have an innate ability to understand things about myself as a sub that I don't even fully understand. Ever conversation is wonderful and I hate when they end.

He always comments on how rare thing is or how uncommon that is in the way we relate to each other. I really do consider myself so lucky that this wonderful man has taken me under his wing in this way. I want to please him, to make him happy. I just can't help but be curious as to how D/s relationships usually start and how they usually progress. I feel like i would be able to appreciate SIR even more if I knew what things were like for most people who don't immediately click the way he and I do.

So I guess what I'd like to know is what have you all experienced? What is the start of a "normal" D/s relationship like? Horror stories are welcome along with any advice. I just want to learn and understand all of this a little bit better.

There is no normal, life is what you make of it with the people you love and your experiences fall well within the bounds of normal but please, stop capitalising the titles.

Other than that, this whole forum is what other people have experienced. You're welcome, have a look around.

Stay astute and don't sign away your money (regular sense still applies), but it's still cool that you're over the moon.

Thanks. I'm still hoping to hear from more DOMs and subs!

I don't think it's that much different from any other relationship. With some people you just click immediately, with others you don't. D/s dynamic is, afterall, a relationship with another person, so same principles apply.

I agree that basics of a vanilla relationship apply to exploring domination and submission or whatever label applies to you. If something feels wrong, it's wrong. If it feels right, follow that feeling with a rational mind.

I had a very intense "relationship" with J. I've purposefully been evasive until now but am sure most here figured out that it was exclusively an online thing, although we made plans to take it to real life. Unfortunately, or actually sometimes I think fortunately, we never made it to RL because things needed to end for all the right reasons. To this day, I still hiccup at the online aspect of it (hence my evasiveness); but I accept it was a "relationship" if not in the traditional sense.

In hindsight, some of those "clicks" with J feel almost manufactured...by him knowing what to say and what I needed to hear. It's my long-term nature to look for contradictions and cracks in people's facades. It serves me well professionally, but can be damaging inter-personally. I ignored contradictions because of the other ways we got along so well. Ultimately, I feel like I betrayed a part of myself by ignoring those things. However, that relationship still helped me take a huge leap forward in my life and moved me past a speed bump that had me stagnating.

So like any new relationship, as you explore, evaluate if it is remaining a healthy and supportive relationship for you. My "relationship" with J still exists today as friends and he is supportive in every way he can be about me moving forward. He reminds me to stop over thinking about my current (real life this time) relationship. I received, and continue to receive, benefit from having had J in my life...I just think I should have recognized some obvious negative signs a lot sooner.

And the online aspect of it helped me explore, in a safe, removed way, my ability to simply talk about BDSM-type things. Those discussions made it a lot easier to broach things at the start with my current guy.

gingietastic55 said:

Thanks. I'm still hoping to hear from more DOMs and subs!

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Please stop putting Dom, Master, Sir, etc in all caps. You really only are expected to capitalize the first letter by most Domly doms, and you don't even have to do that. D: Any dominant that asks you to destroy English grammar for him is not worthy of your submission! Okay, well, that might just be my inner grammar nut... but still, there's no need for that! Just the first letter, if you must.

Normal is what you make of it. Communicate, communicate, communicate. I guess that's about all building any kind of relationship comes down to, in the end... and it's no different with D/s, etc.

Approach things with a clear head and be willing to step back and look at things without letting the emotional rush get in the way.

Noira said:

Please stop putting Dom, Master, Sir, etc in all caps. You really only are expected to capitalize the first letter by most Domly doms, and you don't even have to do that. D: Any dominant that asks you to destroy English grammar for him is not worthy of your submission! Okay, well, that might just be my inner grammar nut... but still, there's no need for that! Just the first letter, if you must.

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QFT: It's my inner grammar nut, too. I also have a worry when pyls are asked to use the lower case i when speaking of "I". It feels like they are being made to subjugate their existence into nothingness. Or like I said, maybe that's just part of the grammar nut.

Is this guy who seems so ideal an online thing or a real life thing?

CutieMouse said:

Is this guy who seems so ideal an online thing or a real life thing?

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Yes I met them both here on Lit. It's just online for now.

Chiara_searches said:

QFT: It's my inner grammar nut, too. I also have a worry when pyls are asked to use the lower case i when speaking of "I". It feels like they are being made to subjugate their existence into nothingness. Or like I said, maybe that's just part of the grammar nut.

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I don't have to use lower case when referring to myself. The capitalization of the titles is more to emphasize the status and as a sign of respect. It's the preference of the DOM I'm currently talking to so that's why I have titles written in all caps.

gingietastic55 said:

Yes I met them both here on Lit. It's just online for now.

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That should be your first red flag. With the exception of regular posters in this forum, most I have "met" on Lit have been a big joke.


(Flame me if you want, but that is my truth.)

HottieMama said:

That should be your first red flag. With the exception of regular posters in this forum, most I have "met" on Lit have been a big joke.


(Flame me if you want, but that is my truth.)

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I'm sorry you've had a bad experience but as for myself I'm going to try to keep an open mind.

gingietastic55 said:

I'm sorry you've had a bad experience but as for myself I'm going to try to keep an open mind.

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An open mind is always better that a bitter, closed mind

gingietastic55 said:

Yes I met them both here on Lit. It's just online for now.

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My personal opinion is that it is far easier for things to feel "right" or magical or as if a dominant type is reading ones mind/a submissive type is simply fabulous... when it's primarily words on a screen.

Can online be a "safe" place to explore a bit?

Yes.

Can online move to real life and be wonderful?

Yes.

Is it just as likely that all the magical woo-woo D/s-ness of it all is simply frosting on a kinky cake, and would crash and burn if reality came anywhere near it?

Yes.

My advice? Never give yourself completely to someone you haven't even met for coffee.*


* This is coming from someone who's first [long distance, mostly online] D/s "relationship" started with a PM from someone on Lit. Who has years long friendships (that occasionally included some fabulously dark and twisted PMs and phone calls) with people from the forum. Who has even gotten on a plane and spent a weekend with somebody who used to post here. I'm not saying it can't be real... I'm just saying that New Relationship Energy often makes things feel real-er than they might be.

gingietastic55 said:

I don't have to use lower case when referring to myself. The capitalization of the titles is more to emphasize the status and as a sign of respect. It's the preference of the DOM I'm currently talking to so that's why I have titles written in all caps.

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Yeah... see that bolded bit above? *To me* that is a sign of an insecure, egotistical, probably-gets-his-education-from-bad-porn, [online] weekend warrior. It doesn't mean he isn't a good guy or whatever, but (again - *to me*) it instantly puts him in the "not smart enough to bother with" category.

And while I'm at it - WTH has the dude done to earn all this holding down the shift key stuff? The OP of this thread joined JULY 31, 2011. That was EIGHT DAYS AGO and she's had TWO online dominants. Which means in less than a week this guy has earned his status and her respect enough to bend the rules of proper grammar? WTF?

CutieMouse said:

My personal opinion is that it is far easier for things to feel "right" or magical or as if a dominant type is reading ones mind/a submissive type is simply fabulous... when it's primarily words on a screen.

Can online be a "safe" place to explore a bit?

Yes.

Can online move to real life and be wonderful?

Yes.

Is it just as likely that all the magical woo-woo D/s-ness of it all is simply frosting on a kinky cake, and would crash and burn if reality came anywhere near it?

Yes.

My advice? Never give yourself completely to someone you haven't even met for coffee.*


* This is coming from someone who's first [long distance, mostly online] D/s "relationship" started with a PM from someone on Lit. Who has years long friendships (that occasionally included some fabulously dark and twisted PMs and phone calls) with people from the forum. Who has even gotten on a plane and spent a weekend with somebody who used to post here. I'm not saying it can't be real... I'm just saying that New Relationship Energy often makes things feel real-er than they might be.



Yeah... see that bolded bit above? *To me* that is a sign of an insecure, egotistical, probably-gets-his-education-from-bad-porn, [online] weekend warrior. It doesn't mean he isn't a good guy or whatever, but (again - *to me*) it instantly puts him in the "not smart enough to bother with" category.

And while I'm at it - WTH has the dude done to earn all this holding down the shift key stuff? The OP of this thread joined JULY 31, 2011. That was EIGHT DAYS AGO and she's had TWO online dominants. Which means in less than a week this guy has earned his status and her respect enough to bend the rules of proper grammar? WTF?

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Quoted For Truth! You said it much more eloquently than I could at this moment.

CutieMouse said:

My personal opinion is that it is far easier for things to feel "right" or magical or as if a dominant type is reading ones mind/a submissive type is simply fabulous... when it's primarily words on a screen.

Can online be a "safe" place to explore a bit?

Yes.

Can online move to real life and be wonderful?

Yes.

Is it just as likely that all the magical woo-woo D/s-ness of it all is simply frosting on a kinky cake, and would crash and burn if reality came anywhere near it?

Yes.

My advice? Never give yourself completely to someone you haven't even met for coffee.*


* This is coming from someone who's first [long distance, mostly online] D/s "relationship" started with a PM from someone on Lit. Who has years long friendships (that occasionally included some fabulously dark and twisted PMs and phone calls) with people from the forum. Who has even gotten on a plane and spent a weekend with somebody who used to post here. I'm not saying it can't be real... I'm just saying that New Relationship Energy often makes things feel real-er than they might be.



Yeah... see that bolded bit above? *To me* that is a sign of an insecure, egotistical, probably-gets-his-education-from-bad-porn, [online] weekend warrior. It doesn't mean he isn't a good guy or whatever, but (again - *to me*) it instantly puts him in the "not smart enough to bother with" category.

And while I'm at it - WTH has the dude done to earn all this holding down the shift key stuff? The OP of this thread joined JULY 31, 2011. That was EIGHT DAYS AGO and she's had TWO online dominants. Which means in less than a week this guy has earned his status and her respect enough to bend the rules of proper grammar? WTF?

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Just to clarify, I don't have a dominant. These are just the two people I have yet to talk to. I'm not committed to any one person I've just had two polar opposite experiences talking with two different people of varied experience in such short time. I'm not tied to anyone I am just trying to learn more about this lifestyle which I feel I can only do by talking to people who have had more and different experiences than myself.

I understand people aren't fond of the use of the capitalization and that is your prerogative, however the purpose of this thread is to get an idea of what people have experienced in getting to know a new Dom or sub.

Thanks

CutieMouse said:

My personal opinion is that it is far easier for things to feel "right" or magical or as if a dominant type is reading ones mind/a submissive type is simply fabulous... when it's primarily words on a screen.

Can online be a "safe" place to explore a bit?

Yes.

Can online move to real life and be wonderful?

Yes.

Is it just as likely that all the magical woo-woo D/s-ness of it all is simply frosting on a kinky cake, and would crash and burn if reality came anywhere near it?

Yes.

My advice? Never give yourself completely to someone you haven't even met for coffee.*


* This is coming from someone who's first [long distance, mostly online] D/s "relationship" started with a PM from someone on Lit. Who has years long friendships (that occasionally included some fabulously dark and twisted PMs and phone calls) with people from the forum. Who has even gotten on a plane and spent a weekend with somebody who used to post here. I'm not saying it can't be real... I'm just saying that New Relationship Energy often makes things feel real-er than they might be.



Yeah... see that bolded bit above? *To me* that is a sign of an insecure, egotistical, probably-gets-his-education-from-bad-porn, [online] weekend warrior. It doesn't mean he isn't a good guy or whatever, but (again - *to me*) it instantly puts him in the "not smart enough to bother with" category.

And while I'm at it - WTH has the dude done to earn all this holding down the shift key stuff? The OP of this thread joined JULY 31, 2011. That was EIGHT DAYS AGO and she's had TWO online dominants. Which means in less than a week this guy has earned his status and her respect enough to bend the rules of proper grammar? WTF?

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Umm.... it seems to me that she is asking for advice, but the responses she's been getting are either... ethereal... or... really bitter, rude "opinions". I mean, some of the opinions are spot on, like... be realistic and wait till you meet for coffee, but... making a judgement call on someone's.. the person she's currently talking to, who I don't believe is actually her DOM, and who hasn't actually collared her's intelligence, based on one thing? Not cool.

Gingie... this new guy.... he hasn't actually asked you to be HIS sub, has he?

gingietastic55 said:

Just to clarify, I don't have a dominant. These are just the two people I have yet to talk to. I'm not committed to any one person I've just had two polar opposite experiences talking with two different people of varied experience in such short time. I'm not tied to anyone I am just trying to learn more about this lifestyle which I feel I can only do by talking to people who have had more and different experiences than myself.

I understand people aren't fond of the use of the capitalization and that is your prerogative, however the purpose of this thread is to get an idea of what people have experienced in getting to know a new Dom or sub.

Thanks

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It's no different than meeting a regular person for a relationship, I.E. Dating. The only difference is that D/s relationships have more trappings, like ribbons on a present. A present is still a present regardless if there's ribbons on it, you get me? A lot of people think somehow that the flavors of D/s somehow magically change people into different creatures that aren't human and somehow human rules don't apply to them anymore, but it really isn't like that. D/s is just icing, not the cake.

People are still people. So, when you ask "Tell me what it's like to meet a Dom", you're asking a question that is so impossible to answer with coherence and similarity to other people's stories and experiences that the question itself is moot.

You meet Dominant folks like you meet other folks, everywhere you are. Online, at a store, at work in my case. You pursue the relationship with a Dominant person the way you pursue a relationship with a vanilla person, except perhaps maybe you talk more about sexual negotiation and relationship expectations, but that's not even really easy to say because even before I "knew" I was submissive I talked about sexual negotiation and relationship expectations with my vanilla relationships.

Dominant people are human beings first and foremost.

Some advice I CAN give you, however, is to go to Amazon.com and buy yourself two books. "The New Topping Book" and "The New Bottoming Book", and read them both about seven times. That will be the best thirty dollars you will spend in the next two years, that I can promise you.

Next, if something feels wrong, it probably is, and regardless of if you're submissive or not you AS A HUMAN BEING have a right to ask to stop and talk about it. Use common sense, use safewords, safer sex and NEVER give your heart to someone you haven't ever met in person before.

Sinpain said:

Umm.... it seems to me that she is asking for advice, but the responses she's been getting are either... ethereal... or... really bitter, rude "opinions". I mean, some of the opinions are spot on, like... be realistic and wait till you meet for coffee, but... making a judgement call on someone's.. the person she's currently talking to, who I don't believe is actually her DOM, and who hasn't actually collared her's intelligence, based on one thing? Not cool.

Gingie... this new guy.... he hasn't actually asked you to be HIS sub, has he?

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No, he has *not* collared me. He's encouraging me to learn more about myself and the lifestyle before making that kind of commitment.

Something tells me that Sinpain is more than just an "observer/responder" in this thread.

My opinion may come off as "bitter," but it is my truth based on things that have happened to me when becoming "intimately" involved with people from Lit. Like CutieMouse said above, I have had a few good experiences, but they have been with regulars from this particular forum. I have also met Mr Liar, Mr. Cheater, Mr. Addict, Ms Insane, Ms. Delusional etc...etc...

Keep in mind also that relationships are QUITE different real-time as opposed to online. I was VERY close friends with a person from this forum for a few years. Lots of conversation, phone calls, etc..etc.... We finally spent a week together last year. We were like oil and water in person. It was MUCH easier to overlook their quirks, and "annoying" traits when I could turn off the computer or end the phone call. In person, I was confronted, as were they, with the total package. The IDEA of them was much more appealing that the REALITY of them. It was a hard lesson to learn and cost me a friendship that in hindsight I would have rather not lost for a few nights of fun.

And all I'm saying is that if he isn't her "DOM", there's no need to worry about his capitalization rules and such.

How did my D/s based relationships start?

The most disasterous, complicated, frustrating one started with a PM from someone new to the Lit forum. He sounded perfect, wise, experienced, etc. It progressed to a "mentoring" style [disasterous, complicated, frustrating] thing, that never moved beyond daily phone calls and email. I gave up waaaaaay too much and bent too far for someone who didn't deserve it. I admit my advice to those newly exploring the idea of D/s is colored by my own experience.

I've met lovers through (non-kink) personals ads; I've met lovers through sites like Lit, or Fetlife, or CollarMe. I don't look for a Dominant... I look for someone I can enjoy being with.

CutieMouse said:

And all I'm saying is that if he isn't her "DOM", there's no need to worry about his capitalization rules and such.

How did my D/s based relationships start?

The most disasterous, complicated, frustrating one started with a PM from someone new to the Lit forum. He sounded perfect, wise, experienced, etc. It progressed to a "mentoring" style [disasterous, complicated, frustrating] thing, that never moved beyond daily phone calls and email. I gave up waaaaaay too much and bent too far for someone who didn't deserve it. I admit my advice to those newly exploring the idea of D/s is colored by my own experience.

I've met lovers through (non-kink) personals ads; I've met lovers through sites like Lit, or Fetlife, or CollarMe. I don't look for a Dominant... I look for someone I can enjoy being with.

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All I'm saying is that we all have our own individual experiences, and you know what? Sometimes, people do actually get lucky. It's rare... but it happens.

collard

chaoticDeviance said:

collard

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As in greens?

BiBunny said:

As in greens?

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Yes. yes Collard Greens