Vanilla to D/s??

Okay, I have been with my amazing boyfriend for 4 years, he's my forever, and the more I realize that, the more I realize that I could never go to someone else for my sexual needs.

That being said, I've been researching bdsm for 6 months (give or take some) and I find it very alluring. I've posted an ad here, thinking that maybe I could experiment with someone else, but no. I've talked to many people but 95 out of 100 just want a quick dirty chat, and blah blah blah.

When it comes to my and my bf's sex life, its good, not great, but good. He knows I like rough things (Hair pulling, biting, smacking) but I'd like more. I've thought about bringing up my bdsm discovery but not really sure how to. He's kind of a shy man when it comes to sex, seeing how I'm the only person he's had sex with, and I don't want to freak him out.

I want to explore D/s with HIM, someone I trust completely and love beyond reasoning. Someone I know who won't hurt me, or things like that.

How would I go about SUBTLY bringing him to try some things out? Just to see if we would both enjoy it?

I'd say work it in subtly, try to introduce new things, don't immediately come up with "hey I like this, tie me up" work more things into your sex life and then once he's into light bdsm introduce it and mention that some of the things you've been already doing is bdsm and that you want to try more of it.

kinkysam742 said:

"hey I like this, tie me up"

mention that some of the things you've been already doing is bdsm and that you want to try more of it.

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Lol, I would never say that, as amusing as his reaction would be XD

But its not a bad idea at all, kind of like slyly bringing him to it. Ill be sure to keep it in mind.

Thanks darlin.

Anytime

Find out a realy subtle bdsm video and try to show him that you like it.
Ok, not the best advice but still counts?

intofdom said:

Find out a realy subtle bdsm video and try to show him that you like it.
Ok, not the best advice but still counts?

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Lol, yes it still counts. Thanks for your input also not a bad idea.

LetteEnvy18 said:

Okay, I have been with my amazing boyfriend for 4 years, he's my forever, and the more I realize that, the more I realize that I could never go to someone else for my sexual needs.

That being said, I've been researching bdsm for 6 months (give or take some) and I find it very alluring. I've posted an ad here, thinking that maybe I could experiment with someone else, but no. I've talked to many people but 95 out of 100 just want a quick dirty chat, and blah blah blah.

When it comes to my and my bf's sex life, its good, not great, but good. He knows I like rough things (Hair pulling, biting, smacking) but I'd like more. I've thought about bringing up my bdsm discovery but not really sure how to. He's kind of a shy man when it comes to sex, seeing how I'm the only person he's had sex with, and I don't want to freak him out.

I want to explore D/s with HIM, someone I trust completely and love beyond reasoning. Someone I know who won't hurt me, or things like that.

How would I go about SUBTLY bringing him to try some things out? Just to see if we would both enjoy it?

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If you really really love him and your relationship is so awesome, how come you can't just have a discussion with him about what you like and want to try? Seriously, if he loves you the same, then he should be willing to at least have a think about what you like. And don't be silly and drop public humiliation and needleplay is his lap as your opening salvo, start with the small stuff as a taster and grow from there.

Lizzie_Borden said:

If you really really love him and your relationship is so awesome, how come you can't just have a discussion with him about what you like and want to try? Seriously, if he loves you the same, then he should be willing to at least have a think about what you like. And don't be silly and drop public humiliation and needleplay is his lap as your opening salvo, start with the small stuff as a taster and grow from there.

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Yes. This.

It really surprises me over and over again how many people don't feel comfortable talking about sex with their partners.

seela said:

Yes. This.

It really surprises me over and over again how many people don't feel comfortable talking about sex with their partners.

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Admittedly, I used to have a hard time sharing the really dark thoughts.. but then, those weren't really about sex.

But now, the only thing that makes me pause when discussing sex with the man is that he might take me up on the things I'm fantasising about

If you're at all uncomfortable with your own desires, it is hard to talk about them. I have been afraid of what my desires would reveal about me. Whether I would be perceived as "unhealthy" or "perverted."

And guess what! I have been! By myself, as well as others.

It can be hard to open up some of these doors, no matter how much you think you want it. That's why so many submissives want it to be drawn out of them, or taken from them forcefully, or laid out in their instructions. It's much easier to walk the path blindfolded if someone is holding your hand.

To the OP, if you've been together four years and you haven't gone anywhere near this, it may not be in the cards. On the other hand, if he knows - as you've mentioned - that you like it rough, and he likes it too, then you may have something to build on.

I would start writing down your fantasies. Write erotic stories. Write poetry. Find illustrations. Find stories and movies that turn you on. And share them with him. Not because "this is what I want to do with you," but simply because it turns you on.

(In all honesty, if you haven't done it with anyone yet, you don't really know what you want anyway. What I think I want and what I actually want can be different in ways I don't expect until I experience it.)

The worst thing that will happen is he puts up a wall and says "I don't like it." That's not a bad thing. It's just information you can work with. Have him show you stories and movies and pictures of the things that turn him on.

You need to start exploring each other to find those areas of compatibility and common ground.

And don't be too subtle. Or you'll think you communicated with him while he still doesn't have a clue what you're trying to say.

Sure, everyone has things they're not necessarily thrilled to talk about. But it's really common to see people come here and say how amazing their partner and relationship is, but still they're not able open themselves up to them.

ES is probably right saying if you're uncomfortable with your own sexuality, it can be pretty painful to talk about it. I've always found it very easy to talk about sex and sexuality, but then again I've never really felt like a freak when it comes to it. Now, the not-so-clearly-sexual submission stuff was difficult to talk about, and sometimes it still is, because I just can't find the words to say what I want to say.

seela said:

Yes. This.

It really surprises me over and over again how many people don't feel comfortable talking about sex with their partners.

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Funny...I was just thinking about this over the weekend. Been married for 22 years, and had to work up the courage to express how I felt about something he did (sexually) that made me super-uncomfortable. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, because he was quite turned on by it...but it was hard for me to talk about it. I have always had a difficult time expressing my wants and needs to him.

To the OP: baby steps. Why not show him some of the pic threads on this site and tell him what turns you on?? It might be a good way to open a dialogue. Hmm...thinking I might take my own advice here...

Bring him to Lit

you could always bring him to Lit and let him read your post, even if you dont confess its your post right away you could bring him in and let him read it see what he has to say or how he reacts then depending on that let him read more. then talk to him openly and tell him why this lifestyle interrst you and what you would like to try and ask if he would be willing to try it with you.

Lizzie_Borden said:

If you really really love him and your relationship is so awesome, how come you can't just have a discussion with him about what you like and want to try?

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Because Love and D/s are (again) divergent things.

Imagine your love would tell you that he enjoys to rape 9 year old boys. Or that he enjoys to drown kittens.

Knowing or not knowing things about someone can of course change the emotions towards this person. In a stable, loving relationship people don't like changes usually. They want to live their stable, loving relationship.

Primalex said:

Because Love and D/s are (again) divergent things.

Imagine your love would tell you that he enjoys to rape 9 year old boys. Or that he enjoys to drown kittens.

Knowing or not knowing things about someone can of course change the emotions towards this person. In a stable, loving relationship people don't like changes usually. They want to live their stable, loving relationship.

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bdsm is just sex, it's not child molestation or animal cruelty. Stop being a douche.

Primalex said:

Because Love and D/s are (again) divergent things.

Imagine your love would tell you that he enjoys to rape 9 year old boys. Or that he enjoys to drown kittens.

Knowing or not knowing things about someone can of course change the emotions towards this person. In a stable, loving relationship people don't like changes usually. They want to live their stable, loving relationship.

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Lizzie_Borden said:

bdsm is just sex, it's not child molestation or animal cruelty. Stop being a douche.

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-points up at lizzie-
D/s is still a loving relationship, With quite abit more trust and stability to it, Because of the way it plays out its actually a very healthy thing to involve in a relationship, If only for the trust building factor, The sex alone is a very good reason, Orgasm denial for hours or days and you finally get that orgasm, lmao, its worth the wait and worth the torture, Bdsm / d/s activities arent about perversion or trying to harm someone, Its purely for bringing your partner pleasure and exploring the limits of what your body and mind can enjoy, the heights it takes you to are amazing when compared to normal sex lol.

Lizzie_Borden said:

bdsm is just sex, it's not child molestation or animal cruelty. Stop being a douche.

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Child molestation is just sex, too, silly.

But I take it that you agree that there indeed can be behaviour that you would find repugnant in a partner. Then, pray tell me, why shouldn't (some) BDSM activities be a problem? Because "BDSM" is "good"? Because we live in an enlightened society? Oh, please!

There are a lot of women out there who would hate to have a bi-sexual man, who dreams of sucking cock, as partner. And then you really want to tell me that disclosing something like "I love to torture women and stick needles in tits." might not affect the relationship or how the partner is viewed? Now you should stop being the douche.

Primalex said:

Child molestation is just sex, too, silly.

But I take it that you agree that there indeed can be behaviour that you would find repugnant in a partner. Then, pray tell me, why shouldn't (some) BDSM activities be a problem? Because "BDSM" is "good"? Because we live in an enlightened society? Oh, please!

There are a lot of women out there who would hate to have a bi-sexual man, who dreams of sucking cock, as partner. And then you really want to tell me that disclosing something like "I love to torture women and stick needles in tits." might not affect the relationship or how the partner is viewed? Now you should stop being the douche.

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I won't even comment on the child molestation... But I, too, find it a little bit strange if people in amazing relationships (as they often say is the case) cannot talk about their sexuality with their partner. Is the relationship really so amazing, if they don't feel comfortable talking about sex? Same goes to bi men, are their relationships really so great, if they feel the need to hide their bisexuality from their partner?

Yes, disclosing things like bdsm and bisexuality might, and in many cases probably will, affect the relationship, but no one says, the effect absolutely will be for the worse. And if it is for the worse, I think it's time to reevaluate the level of amazing of the relationship.

And of course there are people, for whom bdsm, kink, bisexuality, fetishes and so on are optional. If they can live happily without having bdsm in their lives, then there's no need to talk about it with their partner.

LetteEnvy18 said:

Okay, I have been with my amazing boyfriend for 4 years, he's my forever, and the more I realize that, the more I realize that I could never go to someone else for my sexual needs.

That being said, I've been researching bdsm for 6 months (give or take some) and I find it very alluring. I've posted an ad here, thinking that maybe I could experiment with someone else, but no. I've talked to many people but 95 out of 100 just want a quick dirty chat, and blah blah blah.

When it comes to my and my bf's sex life, its good, not great, but good. He knows I like rough things (Hair pulling, biting, smacking) but I'd like more. I've thought about bringing up my bdsm discovery but not really sure how to. He's kind of a shy man when it comes to sex, seeing how I'm the only person he's had sex with, and I don't want to freak him out.

I want to explore D/s with HIM, someone I trust completely and love beyond reasoning. Someone I know who won't hurt me, or things like that.

How would I go about SUBTLY bringing him to try some things out? Just to see if we would both enjoy it?

Click to expand...

From a mans standpoint I would say subtly rarely works. Most of us you have to knock a fairly large hole in our head to let the light in.

Shyness many times is linked to insecurity. I'm not saying this to be mean it just the way of things at times. He may not be insecure but I do have a suggestion.

Gather a collection of pictures that you find stimulating as to what you want. Be sure they are more of the beautiful artsy kind. Be sure the pictures avoid any displays of other men or at least minus their penis especially if he is on the shy side unless of course you already watch porn together. Maybe even buy some restraints.

Explore things gradually with him and by all means be articulate. Many times you find your partner is more interested than you thought but they are worried about what you may think.

I am not sure by your post how deep your desire goes. Are you just looking for fantasy roleplay or are you looking for a true D/S relationship? How far are you wanting the S/M to go?

BD/SM is not for everybody and it could be he is just not into that aspect of sex. My biggest thing is be articulate. Be up front. Many men need that. Do not be shy to tell him what you want.

In my experience if you do not get what you need eventually you may turn elsewhere regardless of how much you love the guy as you already have. Many guys would consider online chatting cheating.

: )

I'm in a similar situation. My partner and I used to date but we decided that the restrictions that came with that were too much for my sexual needs so now we are simply "seeing eachother" and sleeping together. We've been on and off for about 3 years and I have just recently awakened to my bdsm desires. I was intimidated by the things that turned me on at first so I dared not mention them to him, but as I have become much more open and used to the idea of being tied up, ordered around, clamped, roughed up etc. I have been able to communicate the things that turn me on.

He was taken aback at first and said "I never would have guessed you were into that" a few times. But we took little steps and now he has expressed to me that he is really glad that I started to introduce a little light domination into the bedroom because he never had a chance to explore that side of his sexuality before. Turns out he likes it!

Baby steps is 100% the best option when it comes to what you physically try, but be sure that you are honest to yourself as well as your partner about the extent of your desire. EX: I love having my hair pulled and my throat held both in rough manners. But to get him to start doing it more, I made sure to really enjoy it when he even began to tug it a little here and there. When he started to actually wrap my hair around his fist and hold on for a little I told him "I like what you're doing, but please, feel free to get rough with me! You won't hurt me," I said "and if you do, I will probably enjoy it!" This really worked well for him and hes been starting to get into it. I have to remind him that he isn't going to hurt me (or that I like that feeling) fairly often but he has started to get the picture. He actually spanked me when I was on top a few times without me asking for it and it totally made my night! I was also sure to tell him that.

Expressing yourself takes a lot of confidence and its hard, Just start off easy and PLEASEEEEE make sure you reward your partner for their opennesss. This is as simple as REALLY enjoying it when they do the things you like. Overly relishing every sensation, no matter if its rare or sporadic! Eventually he will catch on and want to get those reactions from you more, causing him to perform the desired behavior more frequently

Hang in there dear, make it into a mental game with yourself and enjoy pushing the limits a little! patience is something that we pyl's can always use a lesson in

seela said:

I won't even comment on the child molestation...

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Of course not, because then you would have to admit that I'm right.

What you are saying here is:"A BDSM relationship is NOT amazing, when one of the persons has 'fire play' as hard limit."

Reading this, you would agree immediately that the sentence is wrong.

But when there is a "hard limit" in a vanilla relationship about something else, you deny that this relationship can be amazing, because suddenly it has to endure everything. This is wrong, too. If people have a hard limit in a relationship or how they view their partner, it does not make the relationship less valuable.

Is the relationship really so amazing, if they don't feel comfortable talking about sex? Same goes to bi men, are their relationships really so great, if they feel the need to hide their bisexuality from their partner?

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Obviously, otherwise they wouldn't call them "amazing" in the first place. Why do you have the urge to belittle the relationship of other people? Are you jealous that some people describe their relationship as "amazing"? Because this is how you sound to me.

Yes, disclosing things like bdsm and bisexuality might, and in many cases probably will, affect the relationship, but no one says, the effect absolutely will be for the worse. And if it is for the worse, I think it's time to reevaluate the level of amazing of the relationship.

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So, should an amazing relationship survive the confession of pedophilia? Why? Why not?

I apologize for taking the bait on this question and leading the thread a bit off topic.

So, should an amazing relationship survive the confession of pedophilia? Why? Why not?

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I find this to be a very sensitive and yet interesting question. In our area of the sexual world, we are exposed to a variety of desires and fantasies, some of which are considered "unhealthy" (like pedophilia). I think this question is hard to answer because another question arises: "Should someone be punished for being aroused by pedophilia?"

A common statement that I read on Lit is "you can't help what you're attracted to" and if something turns you on sexually, does it say something particular about that person or did it happen by chance?

If I were in a serious, devoted, "amazing" relationship, I would expect my partner to be 100% open with me about anything no matter how uncomfortable a topic. However...if pedophilia was one of his fantasies...I know I would not be able to support that. I would respect his sexual desires but it would be one of those things that changes something about the dynamic of the relationship. Pedophilia ranks in about the same place as snuff films for me although I recognize a difference. So, because I would no longer support my partner FULLY....would the relationship really be all that great?

Primalex said:

What you are saying here is:"A BDSM relationship is NOT amazing, when one of the persons has 'fire play' as hard limit."

Reading this, you would agree immediately that the sentence is wrong.

But when there is a "hard limit" in a vanilla relationship about something else, you deny that this relationship can be amazing, because suddenly it has to endure everything. This is wrong, too. If people have a hard limit in a relationship or how they view their partner, it does not make the relationship less valuable.

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Actually this is something I frequently talk about on another forum and probably have mentioned sometimes here as well. The vanilla partner's sexuality in a relationship is just as valid as the bdsm partner's sexuality, but often this seems to be neglected in discussions on bdsm boards. So I definitely agree with you, that a vanilla partner can have a "hard limit" and that doesn't mean the relationship cannot be amazing.

What I disagree about is the question of communication. I seriously do not think a relationship can be amazing, if you're not able to talk about sexuality with your partner. Maybe you and I (and some other people) have a different opinion on what an amazing relationship is like, but in my opinion open communication ranks pretty high on the requirements.

Without a discussion about bdsm or bisexuality or whatever there cannot even be a "hard limit" that's mutually respected within the relationship. How could there be, if it's not known by the other?

Whether the relationship survives the discussion about bdsm is another question, but I really do believe that in an amazing relationship you should be able to talk about such things. If bdsm is something, one of the partners in the relationship needs in order to be happy, and when they bring up the issue only to find out the vanilla partner can't live with the idea, then I think it's necessary to reevaluate the relationship. Maybe a compromise in that scale is worth it, maybe it isn't, but it's something that IMO needs to be thought over. If bdsm or bisexuality is something they can either take or leave, then there is no problem, is there?

Primalex said:

Obviously, otherwise they wouldn't call them "amazing" in the first place. Why do you have the urge to belittle the relationship of other people? Are you jealous that some people describe their relationship as "amazing"? Because this is how you sound to me.

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I don't want to belittle other people's relationships, nor am I jealous of them. I'm sorry if I offended someone by my possibly poor choice of words. As I explained above, I've been talking about the necessity of being able to talk. I, personally, find it a pretty important element in a relationship, and without that I wouldn't call my relationship amazing.

From that point of view it seems pretty peculiar to me that someone can say they have an amazing relationship, if they cannot talk about sexuality with their partner. About sexuality, that's not illegal nor considered being a mental health problem (at least not here where I live in). So this makes bdsm or bisexuality quite a different thing from pedophilia (mental illness), child molestation (illegal) or killing kittens (illegal).

Primalex said:

So, should an amazing relationship survive the confession of pedophilia? Why? Why not?

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This is quite a different thing. Bdsm is sex, pedophilia is a mental illness, child molestation is a crime, so I really don't see, what this has to do with the topic at hand.

And I'm sorry, but I won't be able to participate in this discussion with more than oneliners or maybe twoliners. I'm typing with one hand here, because the other one was operated a while back and I can't use it yet, so having proper discussion will have to wait until I get my left hand back in the game as well.

Hopefully I've somewhat made myself clear now, because typing long posts with one hand really is a pain in the ass.

I think Primalex has a point here.
Sometimes, like in OP's case, you don't know or want to recognize everything about your wants and needs at the beginning of a relationship.
If the relationship is important it gets difficult beeing open about or bringing up a newfound interest that may make you and your partner incompatible, even more so if you know that your partner thinks that what you want is digusting.
In OP's case, the boyfriend seems to know that she likes it rough, so I think there is a good chance he would be willing to listen.