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Old 06-26-2011, 01:26 PM   #51
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Originally Posted by night&day View Post
I just search for female friends who need sex as much as I do. I have given up on having sex with my wife and moved on. There are as many women (i think) that are in need of good sex as there are men. The women are just more shy and reserved about it. Have had great sex with several women over the last few years, just can't meet them as often as I would like. Love to meet a new FWB near by here in north central Florida. Pm me ladies if you have needs that aren't being satified.
Interestingly, when a man has given up on his marriage because his wife doesn't want sex, and starts looking for sex outside of the marriage, often his wife is doing the same thing. In many cases, it isn't that his wife doesn't want sex, it's just that she doesn't want sex with him. These women that you find having sex outside of their marriage, don't you think their husbands is dealing with the same thing?

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Old 06-26-2011, 01:30 PM   #52
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I have no advice other than to deal with it. I am a married man in the same situation. I have tried and tried and it's beyond frustrating. Have not cheated but I am considering.
Perhaps you should think back and ask yourself what you were doing that caused your wife to give you sex the first time, and maybe try doing that again.

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Old 06-26-2011, 02:34 PM   #53
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Well First Of All...

the majority of my female fwbs have been single women so they had no issues with their spouses. Second they have all been much younger than me and my wife. My wife admitted she doesn't enjoy sex and knows about one woman I had been seeing and knew why. She doesn't LIKE SEX and iI don't think she would be having it with another guy! Having been married for over 20 years I believe that I know her well enought to understand that she really is interested in sex with ANYONE!

Married women that I have had sex with her bored with their husbands and for the most part they found them to not be very interested in sex or the sex was what they called plain vanilla. One of the woman had NEVER had sex with any other men, having married her highschool sweetheart. So I guess its not as simple as the wife has just lost her interest in having sex with her husband for his not being desirable!
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Old 06-26-2011, 03:52 PM   #54
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the majority of my female fwbs have been single women so they had no issues with their spouses. Second they have all been much younger than me and my wife. My wife admitted she doesn't enjoy sex and knows about one woman I had been seeing and knew why. She doesn't LIKE SEX and iI don't think she would be having it with another guy! Having been married for over 20 years I believe that I know her well enought to understand that she really is interested in sex with ANYONE!

Married women that I have had sex with her bored with their husbands and for the most part they found them to not be very interested in sex or the sex was what they called plain vanilla. One of the woman had NEVER had sex with any other men, having married her highschool sweetheart. So I guess its not as simple as the wife has just lost her interest in having sex with her husband for his not being desirable!

There are medical conditions that can cause a woman to lose her libido, and for most of those conditions, there are medical solutions; however, you would be surprised at how many women lose their sex drive after being married a long time to the same man, only to have it return stronger than ever after she is divorced. But I am sure that is not the case for you. I am sure that your wife is just as attracted to you as she ever was; it’s just that some unknown medical condition has her libido suppressed.
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Old 06-26-2011, 06:52 PM   #55
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I can so relate to this topic. My hubby avoids sex like the plague and doesn't ever want to acknowledge that there's a problem.
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Old 06-26-2011, 08:32 PM   #56
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... do you find it right for a woman or a man with zero libido to be jealous if her/his partner is unfaithful ?

There are always two involved in a problem, both sides have their responsibilities, the easy way is to accuse the other part.

What i read here, from the female side of the problem, is that men should relief their self with masturbation and show patience and understanding for their wives. Ok, marriage is to care, to love, to support, to understand the partner but this is friendship too, or not? and you can have more than one friends ...

Faih on marriage is something that you give if you want, is not something that you demand.
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Old 06-26-2011, 09:51 PM   #57
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... do you find it right for a woman or a man with zero libido to be jealous if her/his partner is unfaithful ?

There are always two involved in a problem, both sides have their responsibilities, the easy way is to accuse the other part.

What i read here, from the female side of the problem, is that men should relief their self with masturbation and show patience and understanding for their wives. Ok, marriage is to care, to love, to support, to understand the partner but this is friendship too, or not? and you can have more than one friends ...

Faih on marriage is something that you give if you want, is not something that you demand.

This is a complex question with no simple answer. In some marriages, one spouse or the other may have a medical problem causing low or no sex drive, but in other situations, (most likely the most common), a spouse may not be sexually attracted to the other any longer. Marriage is more than sex, so I'm not sure anyone could say a person should not be jealous in either case.

By moral contract, marriage is for better or worse, and does not say anything about lack of libido. I'm not sure there is a good answer. Sometimes life just isn't fair.
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Old 06-29-2011, 06:59 PM   #58
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Originally Posted by Nasty_Deeds View Post
This is a complex question with no simple answer. In some marriages, one spouse or the other may have a medical problem causing low or no sex drive, but in other situations, (most likely the most common), a spouse may not be sexually attracted to the other any longer. Marriage is more than sex, so I'm not sure anyone could say a person should not be jealous in either case.

By moral contract, marriage is for better or worse, and does not say anything about lack of libido. I'm not sure there is a good answer. Sometimes life just isn't fair.
so totally true.
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Old 06-29-2011, 09:39 PM   #59
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Oh Wow Oh Wow Oh Wow - not even sure if i should put my 2 cents in, but I feel i might be slightly cathartic for ME:
I was married 15 years and for the last seven had absolutely, positively ZERO interest in sex. It dwindled from a few times a week, to once a week, to once a month, to birthday and holidays... you get the picture...Throughout the entire time, it was my Ex's brow-beating about it that made it more and more undesirable. It was always that I was broken, in some way- what was wrong with ME? We should go to counseling to fix ME. Which we did. And when the conversation turned toward him, all of the sudden counseling wasn't working and there was no reason to go anymore. He knew everything and the problem was just my selfishness. How could i not want to? I must be sleeping with someone else (yeah right)

Shall we also throw in his physical and mental abuse throughout the years? Hey, that's a real libido booster isn't it? Makes me just wanna strip off my clothes and dance naked in front of the TV - yeah right

When we did (on rare occasion) get down to it, i grudgingly laid there praying for him to get done quickly. I felt like a receptacle - there was no concern on his part for my feelings, whether i was enjoying anything, whether i was in pain, whether i could breathe with his 250lbs smothering my 4'10" 125lb frame. His idea of foreplay was "hey wanna suck my dick?" oooh what a turn-on THAT is eh? after a full day of work, housework, bookkeeping, dinner, taking care of our daughter, etc.

Whenever he'd bring it up, I tried to explain that sex, for me, begins beyond the bedroom. But he never followed through - it was "oh i'll put the dishes in the dishwasher tonight" Then, once done --- "Wanna do it?" And then get pissed that that one act didn't undo the 7 years of emotional damage.

Funny thing - about a year after our divorce, I met HeWhoHasMadeMyLifeWorthLiving and the sex is PHENOMENAL!!! I can't get enough!!!I feel like a teenager. It's been a year and a half and we're still like bunnies! And here I was thinking, hey, maybe it IS me. Maybe I really don't want or need sex. Oh boy was I wrong !!!

I'm not even sure any of the above applies or makes any coherent sense, but it sure did feel good to get it out. I'd be happy to answer any questions.
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Old 06-29-2011, 10:40 PM   #60
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Oh Wow Oh Wow Oh Wow - not even sure if i should put my 2 cents in, but I feel i might be slightly cathartic for ME:
I was married 15 years and for the last seven had absolutely, positively ZERO interest in sex. It dwindled from a few times a week, to once a week, to once a month, to birthday and holidays... you get the picture...Throughout the entire time, it was my Ex's brow-beating about it that made it more and more undesirable. It was always that I was broken, in some way- what was wrong with ME? We should go to counseling to fix ME. Which we did. And when the conversation turned toward him, all of the sudden counseling wasn't working and there was no reason to go anymore. He knew everything and the problem was just my selfishness. How could i not want to? I must be sleeping with someone else (yeah right)

Shall we also throw in his physical and mental abuse throughout the years? Hey, that's a real libido booster isn't it? Makes me just wanna strip off my clothes and dance naked in front of the TV - yeah right

When we did (on rare occasion) get down to it, i grudgingly laid there praying for him to get done quickly. I felt like a receptacle - there was no concern on his part for my feelings, whether i was enjoying anything, whether i was in pain, whether i could breathe with his 250lbs smothering my 4'10" 125lb frame. His idea of foreplay was "hey wanna suck my dick?" oooh what a turn-on THAT is eh? after a full day of work, housework, bookkeeping, dinner, taking care of our daughter, etc.

Whenever he'd bring it up, I tried to explain that sex, for me, begins beyond the bedroom. But he never followed through - it was "oh i'll put the dishes in the dishwasher tonight" Then, once done --- "Wanna do it?" And then get pissed that that one act didn't undo the 7 years of emotional damage.

Funny thing - about a year after our divorce, I met HeWhoHasMadeMyLifeWorthLiving and the sex is PHENOMENAL!!! I can't get enough!!!I feel like a teenager. It's been a year and a half and we're still like bunnies! And here I was thinking, hey, maybe it IS me. Maybe I really don't want or need sex. Oh boy was I wrong !!!

I'm not even sure any of the above applies or makes any coherent sense, but it sure did feel good to get it out. I'd be happy to answer any questions.
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Old 07-08-2011, 11:34 PM   #61
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Wow, I feel negligent for not keeping up with this. Actually my marriage is doing better. Had a long discussion and now my wife is trying harder to be sexual and I'm trying to communicate better. I'm not sure it will work but I'm somewhat hopeful and enjoying the moment.
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Old 07-08-2011, 11:42 PM   #62
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Wow, I feel negligent for not keeping up with this. Actually my marriage is doing better. Had a long discussion and now my wife is trying harder to be sexual and I'm trying to communicate better. I'm not sure it will work but I'm somewhat hopeful and enjoying the moment.
Good wishes your way that it continues to improve.
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Old 07-09-2011, 10:04 AM   #63
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Yours is not the first marriage to go through this.
I have heard often and repeatedly from different sources that when a reconnection is possible the whole relationship becomes much deeper and better - and the sex is the best ever.
Keep on trying and communicating. Hoping that it works out for you two!
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Old 07-09-2011, 11:03 AM   #64
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This is a complex question with no simple answer. In some marriages, one spouse or the other may have a medical problem causing low or no sex drive, but in other situations, (most likely the most common), a spouse may not be sexually attracted to the other any longer. Marriage is more than sex, so I'm not sure anyone could say a person should not be jealous in either case.

By moral contract, marriage is for better or worse, and does not say anything about lack of libido. I'm not sure there is a good answer. Sometimes life just isn't fair.
You know, I'm sorry but this is such a crock of shit. I get so tired of people preaching that marriage is for "better or worse" and you just have to suck it up and deal with it when one spouse decides sex is no longer on the menu. That is NOT the only choice and people don't have to stay in this situation.

One partner can lose the desire for sex for any number of reasons, I think at least that much most people agree on. But when you're in a relationship -- marriage or otherwise -- it's a partnership. There are TWO people involved who are directly affecting each other's lives. Particularly in the case of marriage, you're suppose to love each other with all of your heart, right? Isn't that presumably why you made a commitment in the first place?

So then explain to me how it's perfectly acceptable for one person to decide for both partners (because that's exactly what they're doing) that sex will no longer be a part of BOTH of their lives.

There are ways to work through sexual problems in a relationship (and yes, sometimes it's a lot of work and a long road). Absolutely it may be medical (hormonal especially), in which case the low-libido partner should be willing to at least see a medical professional and try to figure out and remedy the cause. If it's psychological, again the affected partner should be willing to seek counseling or other help. If it's the fact that the wanting-sex partner is treating the other in such a way that there's no desire there, then communication is critical, and possibly even counseling to help work through the relationship difficulties. Lack of sex is often a symptom of a bigger problem in the relationship, obviously. The key is to figure out what is wrong elsewhere and work through that, and hopefully the rest will fall into place. But here's the big kicker: BOTH partners have to want to put in the time and effort to make their relationship whole again. If not, you move on. Life is too short to spend it in a less-than-fulfilling relationship.

My larger point is that if two people in a relationship are not seeing eye to eye sexually, they have got to communicate and see if the problem can be remedied such that they're both comfortable with the sexual aspect of their relationship, and all other aspects as well. If that common ground cannot be found or one partner is simply unwilling to talk about it or try to change, it is NOT true that your only option is to throw up your hands and say, "Oh well... this is it. For better or worse. I am now stuck in a sexless relationship," and resign yourself to masturbation!

No, life isn't fair, but you know what else isn't fair? Deciding for someone else that they're never going to have sex again. No one should get to make that decision for someone else. So if after all other options have been explored and the couple is at a complete and seemingly unsolvable impasse, then the non-wanting partner can either allow the other to seek sex elsewhere with his/her blessing, or for fuck's sake get the hell out of the relationship. No, sex isn't the only thing in a relationship but it is an important aspect and obviously causes a hell of a lot of distress when both partners aren't on the same page.

I don't know why this is so difficult to understand. And for the record, yes, I've been there. Divorced and much happier for it. My ex and I are still great friends, but when you don't have that physical affection and the sex is out of whack, you rarely have two happy people in that relationship. Cut your losses and move on if you can't work it out. I'm not saying a divorce or break-up is always the answer, but unless both partners are willing and able to work through the problem, guess what? Sometimes it IS the answer. Unless you want to lead a sexless life, and I suppose that's certainly a choice, too.

To the OP: Sorry for the rant, and I am glad to read that you and your wife seem to be working through the issues. I do sincerely hope your relationship continues to improve and you both find what you want and need from each other. Best of luck to you both.
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Old 07-09-2011, 11:34 AM   #65
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wow, thanks for all the great input (even vicious- I might try it if I'm feeling a little mean.) Yes, I have a 7yo daughter so I can't just up and leave. And I do love my wife and I think in her way she loves me. Her way just doesn't include physical affection. I have to agree with everyone who says that this won't change. I really don't want to cheat or visit adult services. Masturbation doesn't really fill these needs either. I guess I'm stuck. So, how do I deal with it?
I wonder if this started after or close to the birth of your daughter. There is a medical belief that PTSD can be caused by the trauma of the birth itself.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder in Postpartum Patients by Heidi L. Stone

My reason for asking is that my ex went through a difficult first birth from which she got PTSD but she refused to get any help afterwards. Sex consisted of her lying there like a piece of unresponsive "meat" whenever it occured, usually around once a month.
Writing, self satisfaction through videos, magazines and masturbation didn't help a lot although some relief was found.
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Old 07-10-2011, 01:20 AM   #66
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Wow, I feel negligent for not keeping up with this. Actually my marriage is doing better. Had a long discussion and now my wife is trying harder to be sexual and I'm trying to communicate better. I'm not sure it will work but I'm somewhat hopeful and enjoying the moment.
This made me smile. Congrats, Philos. I hope the recent change is also a long-term change.
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Old 07-10-2011, 01:35 AM   #67
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wow, thanks for all the great input (even vicious- I might try it if I'm feeling a little mean.) Yes, I have a 7yo daughter so I can't just up and leave. And I do love my wife and I think in her way she loves me. Her way just doesn't include physical affection. I have to agree with everyone who says that this won't change. I really don't want to cheat or visit adult services. Masturbation doesn't really fill these needs either. I guess I'm stuck. So, how do I deal with it?
That's good!
I think it is great you are working so hard on this instead of just going outside your marriage to fill the void.
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Old 07-10-2011, 01:36 AM   #68
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wow, thanks for all the great input (even vicious- I might try it if I'm feeling a little mean.) Yes, I have a 7yo daughter so I can't just up and leave. And I do love my wife and I think in her way she loves me. Her way just doesn't include physical affection. I have to agree with everyone who says that this won't change. I really don't want to cheat or visit adult services. Masturbation doesn't really fill these needs either. I guess I'm stuck. So, how do I deal with it?
That's good!
I think it is great you are working so hard on this instead of just going outside your marriage to fill the void. I hope things continue to improve.
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Old 07-11-2011, 04:03 PM   #69
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I know its been done but I would really like some input. Wikipedia defines sexless as less than 10 times a year. I don't think I'm even halfway there. Did the therapy, talking, books, support groups, etc. No change. Has anyone out there ever effected a change? Seems unlikely. I don't want to leave. I don't want a divorce. I just want to feel sane again. I'm guessing step one is get off of lit and I'm close to that. What used to be arousing is now just frustrating. I know I sound whiny but I would really love to know if there is any hope to be had out there.

Anyone significantly improve a relationship long term?

Anyone figure out how to kill their libido to gain some sanity?
Haven't read the whole thread but is no sex a deal breaker for you? Ie if it is a sexless marriage do you want out? I know a lot of people I've talked to in similar situations would prefer not being in a sexless marriage but if they are it's not a deal breaker.
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Old 07-11-2011, 10:43 PM   #70
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I was in a sexless marriage the last 5 years that we were together....he did not want to get help, take anything to help him, so I just let it die...I did not ask anymore, i did not try to arouse him...I gave up...I hated being sexless and felt that I could not do that to myself for the rest of my life...he was bringing me down, I felt that I deserved more than that, I deserved to be happy...I enjoy sex, I felt it was a healthy and important part of my life, but I wanted to share it with someone that also enjoyed it as much as I did...to me, it was one of the reasons to separate...but to each his own, right?
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Old 07-19-2011, 02:33 PM   #71
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I've been married for 3years and can literally count the times we've had sex. I have a high libido and have no clue what to do, so here I am and its so frustrating!!!! I don't want a divorce as there are kids involved. So how do you deal with this ? He is 31 and I"m 27.
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Old 07-19-2011, 04:35 PM   #72
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You know, I'm sorry but this is such a crock of shit...
it is NOT true that your only option is to throw up your hands and say, "Oh well... this is it. For better or worse. I am now stuck in a sexless relationship," and resign yourself to masturbation!...
To the OP: Sorry for the rant, and I am glad to read that you and your wife seem to be working through the issues. I do sincerely hope your relationship continues to improve and you both find what you want and need from each other. Best of luck to you both.
Umm, Pandora, I hope your rant made you feel better (I'm a fan of ranting)
I just wanted to point out that you quoted Nasty Deeds, who some consider a man whore that spits on the sanctity of marriage(no offence), at the beginning of the post.
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Old 07-24-2011, 12:08 PM   #73
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I guess I really touched a nerve with this one. Really I was trying to find out how to become less sexual. I think I was becoming a bit obsessed. I have been celibate in the past for long periods and when I became sexual again I kind of went overboard. Now I'm trying to find a healthy balance. How do people deal when there is a medical problem and their spouse can't be sexual? I don't think it is always a choice to control the other person. I know I gave my spouse way too much power since she controlled the sexual expression. It really wasn't healthy for either of us. Honestly I started this as a personal rant. I really hope I didn't hurt anyone or do too much damage.
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Old 07-24-2011, 12:33 PM   #74
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You know, I'm sorry but this is such a crock of shit. I get so tired of people preaching that marriage is for "better or worse" and you just have to suck it up and deal with it when one spouse decides sex is no longer on the menu. That is NOT the only choice and people don't have to stay in this situation.
I take it you are one of those women who can't keep a man.
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Old 07-24-2011, 07:26 PM   #75
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Helllloo!!!

This subject is hitting pretty close to home also. My wife and I haven't had intercourse in five years this month. It's pretty sad, and I joke about some, but really it's a big problem. We love each other and have a very normal loving relationship in every other way. I know how to satisfy a woman, so I don't believe that's the problem. She just doesn't want to have sex. I masturbate and look at porn, (secret), and I have NO problem with libido. No blue pills needed, (but might be fun...???). I found Literotica as some relief, maybe find someone to talk dirty with , or whatever, but therapy and counseling is out. She's not interested and I live with it. (Please don't feel sorry or pity. That would be a major turn off for me). I'm not whining, (I hope), just thought I'd share feelings that someone else is feeling and let them know they're not alone. Nick
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