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Old 06-17-2011, 07:35 PM   #26
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"i'm surprised at the people who are suggesting that you get yourself a little something on the side. i totally recognize that regular sex is a part of a healthy marriage, but you can come back from a low sex marriage. for a lot of people, you can't come back from infidelity."


Everyone needs to go out and get laid once in awhile! Keep talking keep trying. read all this god advice, speak to professionals but in the mean time, go out and get laid! But for God Sakes stay away from her best friend and other people in town or co-workers.
what i meant was...don't do it behind her back. he may not consider the marriage to be over, and if he doesn't, it's probably best to be upfront with her. if she finds out, she might very well consider it a grand betrayal, no matter how valid his reasons. if he respects and loves her, talking to her about it is the only way to go. unless, of course, there's a definite understanding that it's an open arrangement. i doubt he'd be here if that were the case, though.
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Old 06-21-2011, 03:13 PM   #27
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philos: does your wife not recognize that this is a very serious problem? because if not, that needs to be changed as fast as possible. identifying the problem is the first step in addressing it and if she doesn't recognize it, she'll see no point in the rest.

you say in the OP that you talked, did therapy, no change. what was the object of your therapy? other people have also asked pretty relevant questions here that you've chosen not to address. try addressing them if you want a better quality of response.

this is a problem for both of you. if you haven't already, you should ask her what she proposes you do for sexual release. she might very well not care or she might really be completely fucking unreasonable. but you need to ask.

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Old 06-21-2011, 04:45 PM   #28
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In the same boat. Last time was in Sept 2009. Three things work against it. Menopause. She lost all desire or interest. Surgery. Surgeon thought he was doing a favor and put in an extra stitch, oh and left part of the mesh hanging out, so it is now painful for both of us as I come out all scratched and she has scar tissue. Lastly, weight gain. Between losing her job, father with Altzheimers, mother with fading eyesight due to Macular Degeneration and now showing signs of dementia, and a sister with MS. Too much stress, and she deals wiith it by eating. So she put on about 150 pounds and now doesn't even want me to see her naked because she doesn't like the way she looks. On that front, she just started weight watchers.
She told me that I should get some pornos and take care of it myself. Well pornos get boring after a while, so I mostly read things here.
As to having a mistress as someone suggested they do in Europe, lack of funds as I pay a huge amount of child support to my ex. Lack of time, as I work ten or more hours a day and on call all the time. Lack of opportunity due to either being with my wife, kids, or work. I mostly have late at night when the kids are with their mom as alone time. You don't even think of it at work because they have zero tolerance for sexual harrassment and even the most subtle innuendo could get you fired. Though most of the women are also elderly that do come in, the cute ones or one, works from home and is married.
So all I have is fantasies. At least I can find people to commisuratte with here.
I sometimes blame the fact that I ran away from the path of the priest and this is God's way of paying me back. LOL
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Old 06-21-2011, 05:26 PM   #29
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In the same boat. Last time was in Sept 2009. Three things work against it. Menopause. She lost all desire or interest. Surgery. Surgeon thought he was doing a favor and put in an extra stitch, oh and left part of the mesh hanging out, so it is now painful for both of us as I come out all scratched and she has scar tissue. Lastly, weight gain. Between losing her job, father with Altzheimers, mother with fading eyesight due to Macular Degeneration and now showing signs of dementia, and a sister with MS. Too much stress, and she deals wiith it by eating. So she put on about 150 pounds and now doesn't even want me to see her naked because she doesn't like the way she looks. On that front, she just started weight watchers.
She told me that I should get some pornos and take care of it myself. Well pornos get boring after a while, so I mostly read things here.
As to having a mistress as someone suggested they do in Europe, lack of funds as I pay a huge amount of child support to my ex. Lack of time, as I work ten or more hours a day and on call all the time. Lack of opportunity due to either being with my wife, kids, or work. I mostly have late at night when the kids are with their mom as alone time. You don't even think of it at work because they have zero tolerance for sexual harrassment and even the most subtle innuendo could get you fired. Though most of the women are also elderly that do come in, the cute ones or one, works from home and is married.
So all I have is fantasies. At least I can find people to commisuratte with here.
I sometimes blame the fact that I ran away from the path of the priest and this is God's way of paying me back. LOL
I hear what you are saying, but not all is lost. With that being said, she is going to need your support.... A LOT. When a woman is in the situation your wife is in, I can't understate how much she needs support.

If she is in menopause, there are HRTs, (hormone replacement therapies), that can help balance her hormones. A woman's hormones are critical to her physical, mental and emotional health. More so than a man's. Some insurance plans, (but unfortunately, not all), will help pay for the HRT. Don't be shy about talking to your doctor about how to get this paid for. Some drug companies even have freebie plans to help pay for drugs.

If her vagina has been damaged by surgery, there are reconstructive surgeries that can help repair the damage. Again back to insurance. Most insurance plans won't pay for cosmetic surgery, but if in the doctor's opinion the damage is a threat to her health, insurance may pay for it. Don't be afraid to talk to your doctor about it. Also, if the damage was caused by another surgeon, don't be afraid to sue the surgeon.

Weight gain is a serious problem for most women. Interestingly, if you act like nothing is wrong; over time she will accept that everything is ok. How you as her husband act around her is critical to her self-esteem. If she is in weight watchers, when she looks like she has lost a pound or two, pat her on the behind and ask, "Have you lost weight?" Having someone notice that she has lost weight, (especially her husband), can be exhilarating to a woman. When a woman is 150 pounds overweight, a pound may not seem like much to you, but to the woman, it can be a milestone.

In almost every case, if a man gives a woman the support she needs, she will become the woman he needs.
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Old 06-21-2011, 05:31 PM   #30
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I sometimes blame the fact that I ran away from the path of the priest and this is God's way of paying me back. LOL
An interesting, (and amusing), thought crossed by mind. Perhaps you should put the frock back on once in a while, you would be surprised at how many women fantasize about getting it on with a priest. No blasphemy intended.
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Old 06-21-2011, 05:46 PM   #31
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LOL, Nasty. When I first left, one of my friends thought it would be fun to take me to a strip club. He whispered something to one of the grils and all night they were all over me. He told them I was a priest and thinking about getting out. So yeah, some are attracted to it.
As to the weight loss, that is great. She lost three pounds. While I gave her the encouragement, I grimaced as I saw her eating dessert a day later. Problem with family functions is that they work against dieting. You have to be strong. I have told her my concerns basing it not on her looks but on her health. She has blown out knee and the extra weight isn't helping. She has to be careful with HRT as it may conflict with her heart meds. She has irregular beat. The problem with going back for more surgery is that her knee is higher on the priority list and even then, she has to wait because we don't have the deductible to pay and she just started back working after being out of work for a year and a half. So she has no time off yet. She did put iin the Father's Day card that she gave me that she knows that I would love things to be back the way they were and that she is working on it. So maybe a thread of hope, but it will be a long road.
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Old 06-21-2011, 06:27 PM   #32
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LOL, Nasty. When I first left, one of my friends thought it would be fun to take me to a strip club. He whispered something to one of the grils and all night they were all over me. He told them I was a priest and thinking about getting out. So yeah, some are attracted to it.
As to the weight loss, that is great. She lost three pounds. While I gave her the encouragement, I grimaced as I saw her eating dessert a day later. Problem with family functions is that they work against dieting. You have to be strong. I have told her my concerns basing it not on her looks but on her health. She has blown out knee and the extra weight isn't helping. She has to be careful with HRT as it may conflict with her heart meds. She has irregular beat. The problem with going back for more surgery is that her knee is higher on the priority list and even then, she has to wait because we don't have the deductible to pay and she just started back working after being out of work for a year and a half. So she has no time off yet. She did put iin the Father's Day card that she gave me that she knows that I would love things to be back the way they were and that she is working on it. So maybe a thread of hope, but it will be a long road.
For a woman, there is no greater conquest than to corrupt a priest. Pun intended.

The key to supporting a woman who is losing weight is to train yourself to only see the positive. "I grimaced as I saw her eating dessert", there is your mistake. That grimace nullified anything positive you may have done for her. Even if she didn't see the grimace, she knows that you were disappointed. Only respond to her successes. When a woman can see a clear path to pleasing the man she loves, you will be surprised at how hard she will work to please him.

The key to HRT is the phrase "Replacement Therapy". The purpose of HRT is to bring a woman's hormone levels back to normal, not to raise the level of hormones. Unfortunately, most HRTs are over prescribed. Some women cut their HRt into small dosages and start small until they reach a level where they feel good and have no negative side effects. It does take time and patience to work this out though.

As far as surgeries, as you have pointed out, you have to deal with your priorities first. But a healthy relationship is a worthwhile goal to work for.

As far as sex, great sex does not always have to be intercourse; there is no limit as to how a man and woman can have great sex without penetration. A great sexual relationship, (without penetration), can be anything from oral to mutual masturbation. If she is self-conscious about her body image, turn the lights off and light the room with candles and romantic music. You donít have to see each other to get off. Use your imagination. You are going to find that your imagination is a lot better than porn on a computer screen, even if the woman you are with is overweight. A woman can even cum from breast play, and her masturbating you is a lot better than jerking yourself. No offence, but if you studied for the priesthood, perhaps you should learn to enjoy the life God gave you; not bitter about the life Satan took from you. Life is often a test for greater things to come.
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Old 06-21-2011, 07:15 PM   #33
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In the same boat. Last time was in Sept 2009. Three things work against it. Menopause. She lost all desire or interest. Surgery. Surgeon thought he was doing a favor and put in an extra stitch, oh and left part of the mesh hanging out, so it is now painful for both of us as I come out all scratched and she has scar tissue. Lastly, weight gain. Between losing her job, father with Altzheimers, mother with fading eyesight due to Macular Degeneration and now showing signs of dementia, and a sister with MS. Too much stress, and she deals wiith it by eating. So she put on about 150 pounds and now doesn't even want me to see her naked because she doesn't like the way she looks. On that front, she just started weight watchers.
That quack seriously messed up. If you are getting scrached who knows what sort of damage was done and what complications could arise. Your wife need to see another doctor

I live in a nursing home in a small town and most of the residents have some sort of dementia. That's hard to deal with.

Your wife is a big girl and she can decide what to eat. ww has extra points that you can use on junk food. so a little dessert doesn't hurt. Look at the whole picture. Give her hugs, complements, and love. Make sure she doesn't spread herself too thin and isn't bottling up her feeling.

As for the former father bit. God said go forth and multiply, how can you do that if you are celibate
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Old 06-22-2011, 02:54 PM   #34
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"I grimaced as I saw her eating dessert", there is your mistake. That grimace nullified anything positive you may have done for her. Even if she didn't see the grimace, she knows that you were disappointed. Only respond to her successes.
Absolutely right. I'd go a step further and say that it's not even so much the praising of success, but more expressing happiness at her happiness, as it were. And that grimace, if she saw it, will be remembered (and felt internally) long after many compliments have come and gone.
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Old 06-22-2011, 06:26 PM   #35
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Nomore nomore case and Philos case are different.
In Philos' case i understand that wife doesn't have any libido.
In nomore nomore's case wife has libido but stress destroyed / harmed her look. She feels not desirable ... If she will feel desirable again, certainly her libido will rise again. I wish and hope that she has the power to loose the extra kilos.

Philos should keep his eyes open and should grab any chance of infidelity. Women without libido do not deserve fidelity. If there was no child, there would be no reason to stay in such marriage ... But, some people put the love of their children higher than anyhting, and they deserve to be honoured for that ...
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Old 06-22-2011, 06:31 PM   #36
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For a woman, there is no greater conquest than to corrupt a priest. Pun intended.

The key to supporting a woman who is losing weight is to train yourself to only see the positive. "I grimaced as I saw her eating dessert", there is your mistake. That grimace nullified anything positive you may have done for her. Even if she didn't see the grimace, she knows that you were disappointed. Only respond to her successes. When a woman can see a clear path to pleasing the man she loves, you will be surprised at how hard she will work to please him.

The key to HRT is the phrase "Replacement Therapy". The purpose of HRT is to bring a woman's hormone levels back to normal, not to raise the level of hormones. Unfortunately, most HRTs are over prescribed. Some women cut their HRt into small dosages and start small until they reach a level where they feel good and have no negative side effects. It does take time and patience to work this out though.

As far as surgeries, as you have pointed out, you have to deal with your priorities first. But a healthy relationship is a worthwhile goal to work for.

As far as sex, great sex does not always have to be intercourse; there is no limit as to how a man and woman can have great sex without penetration. A great sexual relationship, (without penetration), can be anything from oral to mutual masturbation. If she is self-conscious about her body image, turn the lights off and light the room with candles and romantic music. You donít have to see each other to get off. Use your imagination. You are going to find that your imagination is a lot better than porn on a computer screen, even if the woman you are with is overweight. A woman can even cum from breast play, and her masturbating you is a lot better than jerking yourself. No offence, but if you studied for the priesthood, perhaps you should learn to enjoy the life God gave you; not bitter about the life Satan took from you. Life is often a test for greater things to come.
Thornbirds...reminds me of the novel and miniseries...

And while not wanting to corrupt "men-of-the-cloth" there is something forbidden and exciting about it...

not to mention from my experience, they are very passionate and giving.
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Old 06-22-2011, 06:38 PM   #37
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Great Thread!

A lot of good advice and some good bullshit sprinkled in! I read with great interest because I, like many others, am in the same boat. Married for 20+ years, great sex life in early years, stopped completely 5 years ago. I have begged my wife to go to counseling - to no avail. I've tried everything and nothing has worked. With the kids out of the house you would think we would be screwing our brains out on the kitchen table (or at least once in awhile in bed!). Nope! I love my wife and she is a wonderful life partner but I need sex once in awhile and I am not getting any younger. Masturbation works on occassion but it is surely not a great substitute. I will not leave my wife as, without the sex, she is the perfect wife. A few years back I found "my" solution. I innocently met a divorced woman who has little time for dating and is happy with the "single" life. When I met her, she said that she had not had sex for the past 4 - 5 years. One thing led to another and she has been my mistress (and I hers for the past 3 years. She knows I am married and knows that I will never leave my wife - she doesn't care. She is intelligent, fun to be around and an unbelievable sex partner. We always meet at her home - usually 2 -3 times a month - and spend our time together in bed talking and having great sex. I never take a chance (i.e. my wife is either out of town on business or away from the house).

Say what you want, it's been a great solution for me. My wife and I are very much in love AND I get my sexual desires/needs/wants are satisfied. My mistress loves the situation with no strings attached and she is happy. Unusual in America yes...., fairly normal in other parts of the world. Tome to go, sex is on the agenda tonight!!
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Old 06-22-2011, 08:49 PM   #38
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Women without libido do not deserve fidelity..
wow. just...wow...
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Old 06-22-2011, 09:47 PM   #39
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wow. just...wow...
Yeah, pretty sad, isn't it? I wonder if some of these guys are bitter because they aren't getting any or aren't getting any because they're bitter?

Maybe the question the sex-starved husbands should be asking isn't "How can I get my wife to have sex more often?" Maybe it should be "What have I done lately to make my wife want to have sex with me?"

Having once been "that wife," I take threads like this with a grain of salt. People who start them tend to portray themselves in the most positive light. Ever notice how so many sexually-frustrated, long-suffering saints/husbands claim to do 100% of the child care and housework while working 60+ hours a week and rescuing orphaned baby seals in their spare time?

These husbands never admit to parking their raggedy asses on the couch the moment they get home from work, where at that point, the most vigorous physical activity they engage in until bedtime is ball-scratching. They never admit that they, too, may have become physically unattractive. They never admit that they're physically or mentally abusive. They never admit that even though they have three children, they've never, ever changed a diaper or gotten up in the middle of the might to comfort a sick or crying child. They never admit that they "forgot" their anniversary because it coincided with Poker Night.

Take my n = 1 for what it's worth, which ain't much, but when I wasn't interested in sex during my first marriage, it didn't have anything to do with a lack of interest in sex. It's because I wasn't interested in sex with my ex. And while there were some physical issues, most of our problems had fuck all to do with what was going on in the bedroom.
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Old 06-22-2011, 10:33 PM   #40
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Yeah, pretty sad, isn't it? I wonder if some of these guys are bitter because they aren't getting any or aren't getting any because they're bitter?

Maybe the question the sex-starved husbands should be asking isn't "How can I get my wife to have sex more often?" Maybe it should be "What have I done lately to make my wife want to have sex with me?"

Having once been "that wife," I take threads like this with a grain of salt. People who start them tend to portray themselves in the most positive light. Ever notice how so many sexually-frustrated, long-suffering saints/husbands claim to do 100% of the child care and housework while working 60+ hours a week and rescuing orphaned baby seals in their spare time?

These husbands never admit to parking their raggedy asses on the couch the moment they get home from work, where at that point, the most vigorous physical activity they engage in until bedtime is ball-scratching. They never admit that they, too, may have become physically unattractive. They never admit that they're physically or mentally abusive. They never admit that even though they have three children, they've never, ever changed a diaper or gotten up in the middle of the might to comfort a sick or crying child. They never admit that they "forgot" their anniversary because it coincided with Poker Night.

Take my n = 1 for what it's worth, which ain't much, but when I wasn't interested in sex during my first marriage, it didn't have anything to do with a lack of interest in sex. It's because I wasn't interested in sex with my ex. And while there were some physical issues, most of our problems had fuck all to do with what was going on in the bedroom.
in my case, i desperately want to want to. i'm making progress and doing my best to rectify the situation to the best of my ability. but, this is how things are right now.

it can very well be how the higher libido partner is treating their spouse. in my earlier post, i outlined the things that i thought might contribute to a low libido.

the stigma that's attached to the low libido partner in a marriage just sucks. it really sucks. you feel defective and selfish. you feel guilty. you feel angry. and your spouse is hurt. and angry. and miserable. in short, it makes you feel like a horrible person. or, at least, that's how i've felt.

the idea that a marriage is ONLY a sexual contract is really disturbing to me. marriage is also an emotional contract. it's for better, for worse. in sickness, and in health...right? to anyone who's thinking about screwing around because their partner isn't interested in sex...if the situation is really something you can't live with, and your partner has not given you permission to stray, then leaving is the only option. marriage is an emotional contract before it's a sexual one. to me, and i recognize this is just my opinion, infidelity is a much greater transgression.

then, there's always the issue of...what if you find out that she/he can't help it? what if you find out that she/he has some serious health issue that is causing the problem?

i found out something interesting last week.

i got some tests back, and it looks like i might have an adrenal or pituitary tumor that is pumping out cortisol. i've been back and forth at the doctor's for years now. it took finding a new doctor to get anywhere at all.

whether or not i have a tumor, my cortisol levels are too high to allow me to have a functional libido. this would more than likely be what's causing my problem. at least, i now have an explanation.

before you look for some bootie outside of your marriage, ask yourself if you've done everything YOU can to help the situation. and, ask yourself if you're really willing to put however many years on the line just for some nookie. if the answer is yes, you might very well be done with the marriage anyway.

i'm not trying to make the higher sex partners feel weird or bad or anything. i'm just trying to draw attention to the fact that things are not always black and white. the lower sex partner may have no libido for a reason. maybe it's something the higher sex partner is doing/not doing. maybe the relationship is broken. maybe he or she is ill. maybe he or she is depressed. if you love them, you would want to work on it together. (this could mean changing the way you treat them. it could mean helping out more around the house. it could mean counseling. it could mean dealing with medical issues.) and if you don't love them...what are you doing with them?

as i intimated before...it's easier for a couple to repair a relationship after a period of no or low sex. it's usually much harder to repair a relationship after unsanctioned infidelity.
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Old 06-23-2011, 12:09 AM   #41
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A lot of good advice and some good bullshit sprinkled in! I read with great interest because I, like many others, am in the same boat. Married for 20+ years, great sex life in early years, stopped completely 5 years ago not leave my wife as, without the sex, she is the perfect wife. A few years back I found "my" solution. I innocently met a divorced woman who has little time for dating and is happy with the "single" life. When I met her, she said that she had not had sex for the past 4 - 5 years. One thing led to another and she has been my mistress (and I hers for the past 3 years. She knows I am married and knows that I will never leave my wife - she doesn't care. She is intelligent, fun to be around and an unbelievable sex partner. We always meet at her home - usually 2 -3 times a month - and spend our time together in bed talking and having great sex. I never take a chance (i.e. my wife is either out of town on business or away from the house).
I don't blame you.
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Old 06-23-2011, 02:10 AM   #42
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in my case, i desperately want to want to. i'm making progress and doing my best to rectify the situation to the best of my ability. but, this is how things are right now.

it can very well be how the higher libido partner is treating their spouse. in my earlier post, i outlined the things that i thought might contribute to a low libido.

the stigma that's attached to the low libido partner in a marriage just sucks. it really sucks. you feel defective and selfish. you feel guilty. you feel angry. and your spouse is hurt. and angry. and miserable. in short, it makes you feel like a horrible person. or, at least, that's how i've felt.

the idea that a marriage is ONLY a sexual contract is really disturbing to me. marriage is also an emotional contract. it's for better, for worse. in sickness, and in health...right? to anyone who's thinking about screwing around because their partner isn't interested in sex...if the situation is really something you can't live with, and your partner has not given you permission to stray, then leaving is the only option. marriage is an emotional contract before it's a sexual one. to me, and i recognize this is just my opinion, infidelity is a much greater transgression.

then, there's always the issue of...what if you find out that she/he can't help it? what if you find out that she/he has some serious health issue that is causing the problem?

i found out something interesting last week.

i got some tests back, and it looks like i might have an adrenal or pituitary tumor that is pumping out cortisol. i've been back and forth at the doctor's for years now. it took finding a new doctor to get anywhere at all.

whether or not i have a tumor, my cortisol levels are too high to allow me to have a functional libido. this would more than likely be what's causing my problem. at least, i now have an explanation.

before you look for some bootie outside of your marriage, ask yourself if you've done everything YOU can to help the situation. and, ask yourself if you're really willing to put however many years on the line just for some nookie. if the answer is yes, you might very well be done with the marriage anyway.

i'm not trying to make the higher sex partners feel weird or bad or anything. i'm just trying to draw attention to the fact that things are not always black and white. the lower sex partner may have no libido for a reason. maybe it's something the higher sex partner is doing/not doing. maybe the relationship is broken. maybe he or she is ill. maybe he or she is depressed. if you love them, you would want to work on it together. (this could mean changing the way you treat them. it could mean helping out more around the house. it could mean counseling. it could mean dealing with medical issues.) and if you don't love them...what are you doing with them?

as i intimated before...it's easier for a couple to repair a relationship after a period of no or low sex. it's usually much harder to repair a relationship after unsanctioned infidelity.
Very good post, P! I'm going to have my doctor add a cortisol level to my next blood panel. I wouldn't be surprised at all if it's high, especially since thyroid and adrenal issues can go hand-in-hand. If there's no tumor or similar, do you know what they can do for a high cortisol level?

I'm the low libido partner now, too, and I have been since I got pregnant a couple of years ago and sex started hurting. Then breastfeeding has screwed my hormones up royally; I'm probably the equivalent of a menopausal woman right now. Even when my husband was gone for 6 weeks recently, I only masturbated once or twice - I had the desire a few more times, but I was just too tired after dealing with a cranky toddler all day everyday.

Anyway, I do my best to satisfy my husband's sexual needs, and I'm certainly still affectionate. Fortunately, he's never had a super-high libido, so we can make it work. The issue that we struggle with most is even when sex doesn't hurt, I just don't get any physical pleasure out of it. I think we probably just need to give it more time, but I still feel angry at myself and guilty for not bouncing back, or even choosing to continue breastfeeding over letting my hormones settle (even though it's clear my son still needs that little extra nourishment and huge amount of comfort at this point).

However, if I didn't want to give sex and affection a reasonable amount of time or had a LT mental or physical condition that precluded sex, you better believe I'd be encouraging my husband to find a lover. He'd do the same for me. I don't think we're anywhere near that point right now, but it's something we'll keep in mind down the road because we feel loving each other means meeting needs to the best of our abilities. My only big qualms with it at this point are the risk of STIs (if we weren't having sexual contact, this wouldn't be an issue though), pregnancy with another woman and the fact that my husband barely has enough time for himself and us as it is. I've offered to support him in playing in the ways I'm comfortable with now, but he hasn't taken me up on it thus far.
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Old 06-23-2011, 02:27 AM   #43
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Very good post, P! I'm going to have my doctor add a cortisol level to my next blood panel. I wouldn't be surprised at all if it's high, especially since thyroid and adrenal issues can go hand-in-hand. If there's no tumor or similar, do you know what they can do for a high cortisol level?

I'm the low libido partner now, too, and I have been since I got pregnant a couple of years ago and sex started hurting. Then breastfeeding has screwed my hormones up royally; I'm probably the equivalent of a menopausal woman right now. Even when my husband was gone for 6 weeks recently, I only masturbated once or twice - I had the desire a few more times, but I was just too tired after dealing with a cranky toddler all day everyday.

Anyway, I do my best to satisfy my husband's sexual needs, and I'm certainly still affectionate. Fortunately, he's never had a super-high libido, so we can make it work. The issue that we struggle with most is even when sex doesn't hurt, I just don't get any physical pleasure out of it. I think we probably just need to give it more time, but I still feel angry at myself and guilty for not bouncing back, or even choosing to continue breastfeeding over letting my hormones settle (even though it's clear my son still needs that little extra nourishment and huge amount of comfort at this point).

However, if I didn't want to give sex and affection a reasonable amount of time or had a LT mental or physical condition that precluded sex, you better believe I'd be encouraging my husband to find a lover. He'd do the same for me. I don't think we're anywhere near that point right now, but it's something we'll keep in mind down the road because we feel loving each other means meeting needs to the best of our abilities. My only big qualms with it at this point are the risk of STIs (if we weren't having sexual contact, this wouldn't be an issue though), pregnancy with another woman and the fact that my husband barely has enough time for himself and us as it is. I've offered to support him in playing in the ways I'm comfortable with now, but he hasn't taken me up on it thus far.
i'm not sure what they can do if it's not a tumor. my doctor has me on something called seriphos right now. it's some sort of adrenal suppressant. or, she had me on it until she decided that it might interfere with the rest of my tests. she tends to head for natural remedies before medications. i'm sure there's a medication that does something similar.

i was actually expecting to see low cortisol levels, because of the thyroid connection that you mentioned. i was not expecting to see such high nighttime readings. my evening readings are 3 times the top of the range and 5 times optimal. my midnight readings are 4 times the top of the normal range and 16 times optimal. something is so not right, obviously.

i definitely would get it checked if you're having libido problems. anyone with a low sex drive should have a complete hormone workup imho. you can google high cortisol and see if any of your symptoms match. i actually have a lot of the symptoms.

i agree with you about having your husband find a lover. i would probably be uncomfortable about it, but if my husband really needed it and i couldn't give it, i wouldn't want to stand in his way. i love him and want him to be happy.

i'm sorry if i seem to be harping on this too much. i guess i'm trying to be the voice for women with low libido, in this thread.
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Old 06-23-2011, 03:00 AM   #44
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i agree with you about having your husband find a lover. i would probably be uncomfortable about it, but if my husband really needed it and i couldn't give it, i wouldn't want to stand in his way. i love him and want him to be happy.

Suggesting that your husband find sex outside of your marriage may not be your best idea. When a woman's hormones are out of balance, she sometimes doesn't think clearly. A woman's hormones are closely tied to her emotions and what may seem like a logical solution now, may just be hormones talking.

Presumably, sooner or later your doctor will find a solution for your hormone imbalance, (pituitary tumors are rare), and when your hormones are back to normal, you may regret decisions that you make now. And worse, you could add guilt to your husband's role in your relationship.

I do understand your love for your husband, and your desire to see him happy, but I firmly believe that when a man's wife has a health problem, it is his responsibility to his wife to put her health needs above his own sexual needs. I think because your husband loves you, he would likely feel the same way.
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Old 06-23-2011, 03:56 AM   #45
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Suggesting that your husband find sex outside of your marriage may not be your best idea. When a woman's hormones are out of balance, she sometimes doesn't think clearly. A woman's hormones are closely tied to her emotions and what may seem like a logical solution now, may just be hormones talking.

Presumably, sooner or later your doctor will find a solution for your hormone imbalance, (pituitary tumors are rare), and when your hormones are back to normal, you may regret decisions that you make now. And worse, you could add guilt to your husband's role in your relationship.

I do understand your love for your husband, and your desire to see him happy, but I firmly believe that when a man's wife has a health problem, it is his responsibility to his wife to put her health needs above his own sexual needs. I think because your husband loves you, he would likely feel the same way.
i agree, actually. and my husband has stuck by me through all of this. sometimes unhappily so, but he has. he's a good man and a great friend.

but, i know that if it became a make or break thing, if he was totally going out of his head, i'd give him permission. it hasn't come to that for us, and i hope it never does.

thank you for those very kind words, though...
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Old 06-25-2011, 11:42 PM   #46
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Oh her libido is gone too. Not a thought of sex at all. I have always tried to be supportive. It got to the point that she doesn't even want me going down on her. She used to give me a handjob, but even that stopped. Yet, she tells me how deeply she is in love with me. I try to make her feel wanted, I tell her how much I miss our intimacy, but all I get is soon. For the past four years, soon. So, pretty much given up ever having sex again.
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Old 06-25-2011, 11:51 PM   #47
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Eilan said: "Having once been "that wife," I take threads like this with a grain of salt. People who start them tend to portray themselves in the most positive light. Ever notice how so many sexually-frustrated, long-suffering saints/husbands claim to do 100% of the child care and housework while working 60+ hours a week and rescuing orphaned baby seals in their spare time? "

Well, to tell the truth, and it is the truth, I come home after working ten hours with an hour or more commute home and cook supper. I am also the one who does the laundry. That is the truth. And no, I don't rescue baby seals. Sorry you were treated that way, but believe it or not, some of us guys are really nice guys. We do a lot for our wives and families. I don't let my wife do the laundry because she has a bad knee and I don't want her going up and down the stairs. If you were to ask her, she would tell you that I take really good care of her.
Sorry, your comment just tweaked me a bit because it came across as if all men are disingenuous when they say they are good to their wives. I do all I can to support her and except for sex, we have a great relationship. She just has zero desire for sex.
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Old 06-26-2011, 02:05 AM   #48
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Well, to tell the truth, and it is the truth, I come home after working ten hours with an hour or more commute home and cook supper. I am also the one who does the laundry. That is the truth. And no, I don't rescue baby seals. Sorry you were treated that way, but believe it or not, some of us guys are really nice guys. We do a lot for our wives and families. I don't let my wife do the laundry because she has a bad knee and I don't want her going up and down the stairs. If you were to ask her, she would tell you that I take really good care of her.
Sorry, your comment just tweaked me a bit because it came across as if all men are disingenuous when they say they are good to their wives. I do all I can to support her and except for sex, we have a great relationship. She just has zero desire for sex.
i really do think you need some medical help for her. that kind of stress can really mess with your hormones. now that i've been doing research for my own issues, i realize how constantly elevated cortisol can seriously upset the delicate balance in your system. do you know for sure that she's overeating? or is there a possibility that she's eating only a little more than she was and the stress is causing the gain by itself?

if you read any of the studies on women and libido, you'll find that a lot of them ascertain that women's libido is directly affected by hormones. it sounds like she has so many obstacles between her and a healthy libido that it's something you guys can't handle on your own.

i would really recommend seeing a doctor. maybe look for a doctor that specializes in functional medicine. they tend to want to see optimal numbers, as opposed to reg docs that just want to see someone "in range".

i'm so sorry that you're both dealing with this.
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Old 06-26-2011, 01:30 PM   #49
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Thats What Friends With Benefits Are You!

I just search for female friends who need sex as much as I do. I have given up on having sex with my wife and moved on. There are as many women (i think) that are in need of good sex as there are men. The women are just more shy and reserved about it. Have had great sex with several women over the last few years, just can't meet them as often as I would like. Love to meet a new FWB near by here in north central Florida. Pm me ladies if you have needs that aren't being satified.
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Old 06-26-2011, 01:55 PM   #50
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I have no advice other than to deal with it. I am a married man in the same situation. I have tried and tried and it's beyond frustrating. Have not cheated but I am considering.
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