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Old 06-16-2011, 12:40 PM   #1
philos
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Deal with a sexless marriage

I know its been done but I would really like some input. Wikipedia defines sexless as less than 10 times a year. I don't think I'm even halfway there. Did the therapy, talking, books, support groups, etc. No change. Has anyone out there ever effected a change? Seems unlikely. I don't want to leave. I don't want a divorce. I just want to feel sane again. I'm guessing step one is get off of lit and I'm close to that. What used to be arousing is now just frustrating. I know I sound whiny but I would really love to know if there is any hope to be had out there.

Anyone significantly improve a relationship long term?

Anyone figure out how to kill their libido to gain some sanity?
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Old 06-16-2011, 12:59 PM   #2
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Have you discussed getting your sexual needs met outside of the marriage with your wife?

What's the problem from her perspective?
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Old 06-16-2011, 01:14 PM   #3
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You didn't actually mention whether your wife attended any of these therapies, etc. All I can say is two things:

1. She's probably not going to change unless a physical or emotional event has happened to her that she can get over.

2. I really don't think the answer to your problem is to desex yourself.
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Old 06-16-2011, 01:43 PM   #4
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Is there a physical reason for the lack of sex? What's your wife's view of this?
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Old 06-16-2011, 01:44 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by philos View Post
I know its been done but I would really like some input. Wikipedia defines sexless as less than 10 times a year. I don't think I'm even halfway there. Did the therapy, talking, books, support groups, etc. No change. Has anyone out there ever effected a change? Seems unlikely. I don't want to leave. I don't want a divorce. I just want to feel sane again. I'm guessing step one is get off of lit and I'm close to that. What used to be arousing is now just frustrating. I know I sound whiny but I would really love to know if there is any hope to be had out there.

Anyone significantly improve a relationship long term?

Anyone figure out how to kill their libido to gain some sanity?

Looking at it on a legal basis, marriage is a legal agreement. In every legal agreement, certain things are assumed and expected, and in marriage, sex is one of them. Unless she told you before you were married that she was going to fuck you a few times and then stop, she has an obligation to keep you sexually satisfied. That doesnít mean that you have a right to expect kink from her, but you do have a right to expect normal sex with her.

With that being said, perhaps you should sit down with her and discuss your disappointment in your married sex life, just as you would discuss any other legal agreement that you felt was broken.

If she has a medical or psychological reason causing her to lose interest in sex, there are therapies, (both medical and psychological), that can help. If she feels there is a medical or psychological reason, then help her find a solution so she can enjoy marital sex also. A husband helping his wife with a problem is also a marital obligation. If marriage did not have obligations, there would be no reason to be married.

I think that neither one of you wants to be divorced, but at the same time, you donít need to be ignored sexually. The answer you seek lies in open dialog with your wife, not here. (This is where people come when there is no solution) I think your wife is intelligent and will understand that something needs to be done to make the marriage better.

There is often another possibility, which may or may not be the case, you as a husband, have the obligation to be an attentive husband and keep yourself attractive to your wife. If you have let yourself go to pot, or started taking your wife for granted, then maybe you are part of the problem too. Marital problems are never just one sided.

Whatever your marital problems, the solution lies in open dialog with your wife.
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Old 06-16-2011, 02:52 PM   #6
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Talking is good, but

starting with the premise you aren't happy or she isn't fulfilling you isn't going to win any awards. This may sound kind of simple, but forget sex and instead focus on making her happy. Do unexpected things without an expectation of being rewarded, wash her car, do the dishes find things that make her life easier. Kiss her, touch her often, hold her hand, stoke her face. Try that for a couple weeks and the try planning a weekend away - -a motel down the block is fine, just make sure there isn't anything to come between time for you two to be together, talk, snuggle when you are happy and relaxed is the best time to talk about difficult things. As for me, I always feel super close to my husband when has done something extra special and when I am happy I like sex a lot more than when I am not.
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Old 06-16-2011, 04:02 PM   #7
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Unhappy Been there doing that...

I hear ya, I've been married a little over 5 years and had found out 2 years ago my husband has a porn addiction. I was pretty hurt, but more so cause my husband for the last couple years had been "turing" me into his favorite pornstar, he'd tell me to dye my hair, wear revealing clothes, had me watching porn with him and doing what they did in the scenes. He even bought me a new rack last year. He admitted all this in couselling that we had been going to in order to come to terms with his obsession and get himself back on track in loving me for me. Its been hard but I guess he feels guilty for doing all that and "roleplaying" his wife as someone else that he doesn't want to have sex now, he fears he'll go back to thinking of the other girl. I mean there is nothing wrong with my looks, I'm a brunette, though he likes blonds, I was a large C cup but wanted D's, my very leggy and toned and am very athletic so I know I'm good there.I just wish he'd realize I have physical needs too, and I guess that's why I'm here...to be able to get off...to be wanted again for me and to feel lusted over. I just wish my husband would be the one to do it but oh well...here's to hopeing.
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Old 06-16-2011, 04:03 PM   #8
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You may want to check out the iVillage forum on Mismatched Libidos. The prognosis is usually not very good. If your partner simply has a low libido, it's not likely to ever change. Also, compromises usually don't work out so well for the high libido partner in mismatched relationships. The frequency of sex tends to happen when the lower libido partner wants/accepts it, and not at some agreed upon middle-ground. There are some cases where the partner's libido is temporarily suppressed due to physical or mental illness. I hate to sound pessimistic, but I'd recommend that you check out the ivillage forum for confirmation. It may be easier to accept that things won't change, rather than clinging to hope for something that likely won't happen. I was in a mismatched marriage many years ago and it wasn't fun. The end of marriage wasn't fun, but I'm so much better off now. Do you have kids?
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Old 06-16-2011, 04:06 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Erica78 View Post
I hear ya, I've been married a little over 5 years and had found out 2 years ago my husband has a porn addiction. I was pretty hurt, but more so cause my husband for the last couple years had been "turing" me into his favorite pornstar, he'd tell me to dye my hair, wear revealing clothes, had me watching porn with him and doing what they did in the scenes. He even bought me a new rack last year. He admitted all this in couselling that we had been going to in order to come to terms with his obsession and get himself back on track in loving me for me. Its been hard but I guess he feels guilty for doing all that and "roleplaying" his wife as someone else that he doesn't want to have sex now, he fears he'll go back to thinking of the other girl. I mean there is nothing wrong with my looks, I'm a brunette, though he likes blonds, I was a large C cup but wanted D's, my very leggy and toned and am very athletic so I know I'm good there.I just wish he'd realize I have physical needs too, and I guess that's why I'm here...to be able to get off...to be wanted again for me and to feel lusted over. I just wish my husband would be the one to do it but oh well...here's to hopeing.
................

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Old 06-16-2011, 07:08 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by SweetErika View Post
Have you discussed getting your sexual needs met outside of the marriage with your wife?

What's the problem from her perspective?
You know this is a great idea. I met a guy while I was in Amsterdam that said his wife allowed him to take a weeks vacation a year (or something like this)to satisfy his needs. She gave him condoms as he was going out the door. I dont remember the exact story but she had a medical problem or maybe she just did not care to have sex anymore.

Other guys just go out and supplement their urges on the sly. But you have done your part. You have talked to her and went to counseling etc. you should announce that you want a night of passion every 2 weeks or you are going to seek outside professional help.

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Old 06-16-2011, 07:28 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by Erica78 View Post
I hear ya, I've been married a little over 5 years and had found out 2 years ago my husband has a porn addiction. I was pretty hurt, but more so cause my husband for the last couple years had been "turing" me into his favorite pornstar, he'd tell me to dye my hair, wear revealing clothes, had me watching porn with him and doing what they did in the scenes. He even bought me a new rack last year. He admitted all this in couselling that we had been going to in order to come to terms with his obsession and get himself back on track in loving me for me. Its been hard but I guess he feels guilty for doing all that and "roleplaying" his wife as someone else that he doesn't want to have sex now, he fears he'll go back to thinking of the other girl. I mean there is nothing wrong with my looks, I'm a brunette, though he likes blonds, I was a large C cup but wanted D's, my very leggy and toned and am very athletic so I know I'm good there.I just wish he'd realize I have physical needs too, and I guess that's why I'm here...to be able to get off...to be wanted again for me and to feel lusted over. I just wish my husband would be the one to do it but oh well...here's to hopeing.
Erica78...So what was the problem with the role playing and the watching pron together and the wigs and outfits? I don't get it? Go back to all that fun or you can PM me. You sound hot as hell wither way!
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Old 06-17-2011, 12:19 AM   #12
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Erica78...So what was the problem with the role playing and the watching pron together and the wigs and outfits? I don't get it? Go back to all that fun or you can PM me. You sound hot as hell wither way!
quite obviously it was the fact that her hubby didn't want to have sex with her, but with the porn star he adored.
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Old 06-17-2011, 05:18 AM   #13
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You know, we may well be living in one of the few countries left in the enlightened world where this would be a problem. In most other countries one or both of the parties would have taken a lover, and the husband and wife adopted a "Don't ask/Don't tell" policyl, and the marriage would continue to thrive.
Often this just occurs naturally over time, as the heat in the marriage begins to cool, long before anyone's fire goes totally cold.
The great paradox is, as some of us may know, that when one partner takes a lover, he/she often returns home with a renewed fire and desire.
The basic problem here is that marriage and monogamy are political and religious constructs, and go against all that's natural within us. We're hardwired to be promiscuous hunter-gatherers, and accepting the relative security of civilized society has brought huge problems with it for us on any number of levels, including of course our physical and mental health.
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Old 06-17-2011, 05:52 AM   #14
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vicious

vicious wank, twice a day will especially if the wife is sleeping beside you

should help for about five mins!
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Old 06-17-2011, 08:50 AM   #15
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wow, thanks for all the great input (even vicious- I might try it if I'm feeling a little mean.) Yes, I have a 7yo daughter so I can't just up and leave. And I do love my wife and I think in her way she loves me. Her way just doesn't include physical affection. I have to agree with everyone who says that this won't change. I really don't want to cheat or visit adult services. Masturbation doesn't really fill these needs either. I guess I'm stuck. So, how do I deal with it?
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Old 06-17-2011, 08:59 AM   #16
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I agree with a lot of what Ezee said. In many parts of the world, this would be dealt with the introduction of mistresses and lovers. And it's not necessarily seen as something taboo. When a past president of France died a few years back, there was a photo of his mourning wife seated at the funeral and his grieving mistress was seated two spots from her.
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Old 06-17-2011, 09:44 AM   #17
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Originally Posted by philos View Post
I really don't want to cheat or visit adult services. Masturbation doesn't really fill these needs either. I guess I'm stuck. So, how do I deal with it?
What about other types of sexual interaction other than intercourse? Is she willing to participate in handjobs or blowjobs, or at least touch and talk to you while you masturbate?
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Old 06-17-2011, 10:01 AM   #18
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No, sex in any form doesn't cross her mind.
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Old 06-17-2011, 10:36 AM   #19
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Sorry to hear about your problem. We had a friend a while back, same exact problem. First thing we asked is if she was having an affair, she wasn't. She was at the age where hormones were wacky, and she refused to see a dr about it, wouldn't go to counseling, or group talk, or even have a good conversation to him about it. After a while, he was reading about Macha, it's a vitamin that enhances the sexual desires in males/females. Doesn't make you crazy horny, but does something to hormones and he got her to agree to take it to mainly get him off of her back, shut him up finally sort of speak. Well, ,low and behold, a week went by and all of her desires were back again. Not like teenagers of course, but he said he'd take care of things around the house, treat her like they were dating again, and the arousal came back, because of the Macha. Have to get the real stuff though, through GNC or natural food centers. They both take it, and he says they are more loving than they have been in years. Hope this helps....

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Old 06-17-2011, 12:35 PM   #20
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Been there, done that.........

If your wife decided she was going to starve herself would you feel like you should quit eating too?????

You need a discreet friend with benefits.
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Old 06-17-2011, 12:49 PM   #21
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I don't think you ever mentioned whether your wife was involved with the therapy or other things you have tried. Therapy by yourself may help you somewhat but it isn't going to change her. You also didn't mention whether she has had any physical or emotional things happen to her which changed her. Was she a lot better before and got worse, or was she always like this? How much communication with her have you actually had? Does she actually know the total extent of your feelings?
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Old 06-17-2011, 01:31 PM   #22
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Sorry to hear about your problem. We had a friend a while back, same exact problem. First thing we asked is if she was having an affair, she wasn't. She was at the age where hormones were wacky, and she refused to see a dr about it, wouldn't go to counseling, or group talk, or even have a good conversation to him about it. After a while, he was reading about Macha, it's a vitamin that enhances the sexual desires in males/females. Doesn't make you crazy horny, but does something to hormones and he got her to agree to take it to mainly get him off of her back, shut him up finally sort of speak. Well, ,low and behold, a week went by and all of her desires were back again. Not like teenagers of course, but he said he'd take care of things around the house, treat her like they were dating again, and the arousal came back, because of the Macha. Have to get the real stuff though, through GNC or natural food centers. They both take it, and he says they are more loving than they have been in years. Hope this helps....

tifani
"Macha" as a vitamin cannot be found in a google search. "Maca" is a vitamin that is claimed to be libido enhancing in MEN.

Please detail and elaborate on your Macha suggestion.
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Old 06-17-2011, 02:35 PM   #23
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i'm surprised at the people who are suggesting that you get yourself a little something on the side. i totally recognize that regular sex is a part of a healthy marriage, but you can come back from a low sex marriage. for a lot of people, you can't come back from infidelity.

if you still love her, you need to talk with her at length about what's going on. don't be accusatory. don't be cruel. be gentle and loving, remember why you married her, and keep in mind that something is more than likely going on with her. think of it less as a criticism of you and more as a sign that she's probably not well, for whatever reason. if you do, it might be easier for you to be compassionate while addressing the issue. approach it like it's a problem that the two of you can find a solution for.

a low sex marriage can come about for many, many reasons:

1. the low sex partner may be unhappy in the relationship or with the mutual sex life
2. the low sex partner may be emotionally stressed or overwhelmed
3. the low sex partner may have fallen out of love with the high sex partner
3. the low sex partner may have psychological issues surrounding sex that only surface after the initial wave of lust is over
4. the low sex partner might have a problem with depression or anxiety
5. the low sex partner may have physical issues that are affecting their sex drive
(hormonal disorders like thyroid, adrenal, and reproductive imbalances GREATLY affect libido)
6. there may be an actual mismatch in libidos. there's the old woody allen quote where the couple is at the therapist and he's complaining that they never have sex and she's complaining that they're always having sex. the therapist asks how often do they have sex. he replies (something like), "almost never, only 3 times a week." she replies, "all the time, 3 times a week."
7. and more, of course...

speaking of therapists, mine recommended a book called "rekindling desire" that i found useful, if only for the information about low sex marriages. what i've really found useful in our relationship (and it is very possible that the problem originates with, or is at least affected by, an off kilter relationship), is to stop looking at the problem from the point of view of who's at fault, and just to start taking responsiblity.

i just finished reading this book "the married man sex life primer", that might have some good advice for you. it was interesting.

the other thing i would tell you, is that the more she feels loved through thoughtful gestures (i washed the car for you, honey), intimate conversations (how was your day, sweetie), and physical affection without the pressure to have sex (you look like you need a backrub), the more likely she'll be to let the walls drop.

i wish i could help more. i'm dealing with this myself, but from the other side. it's not easy. just, please, please, for low libido women everywhere, don't mess around on your wife without her permission. if it's really so bad that you want to do that, then just tell her you want some time apart, and be clear about what you mean.
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Old 06-17-2011, 03:49 PM   #24
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To the original poster:

There is some good advice in Patchouliís post. Patchouli mentions hormonal imbalances. Endocrine problems can be much more serious for a woman that for a man. If over a period of time, you have noticed unexplained changes in your wife, (libido, personality, weight gain, edginess, tiredness, etc), it could be an indication of a health issue developing in her endocrine system. Changes in endocrine glands like the pancreas, thyroid, adrenal, and pituitary glands can manifest as low libido. Particularly, if the pituitary gland isnít producing enough oxytocin, she will have a low libido.

You mentioned that you have already been in therapy, and found no solution there, and if that is the case, it could be physical. If there is no psychological reason, or conflicts in the marriage, then you should insist that she see a doctor and have her endocrine system checked, which is often not included in just a regular check up.

Also I just checked your profile, and you are in your 40s. It is also possible that your wife is approaching menopause. Peri-menopause can cause havoc with a womanís hormones, but not show any signs outwardly. If a woman is in peri-menopause, you canít go by irregular periods because sometimes her periods will remain normal for months, but her hormones be really whacked. Sometimes when a woman enters menopause, her libido will go way up, and other women will lose all interest in sex.
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Old 06-17-2011, 06:12 PM   #25
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quite obviously it was the fact that her hubby didn't want to have sex with her, but with the porn star he adored.
Psychobabbel...He would be having sex with his wife. If she is wearing a wig and slutwear it is still his wife. This is crazy! I can't believe this shit but this is Philo's post

Quote:
Originally Posted by Patchouli;
37833731]i'm "i'm surprised at the people who are suggesting that you get yourself a little something on the side. i totally recognize that regular sex is a part of a healthy marriage, but you can come back from a low sex marriage. for a lot of people, you can't come back from infidelity."

Everyone needs to go out and get laid once in awhile! Keep talking keep trying. read all this good advice, speak to professionals but in the mean time, go out and get laid! But for God sakes stay away from her best friend and other people in town or co-workers.
Do you travel internationally? PM me for advise. There are sex workers in countries that are truely liberated that recieve regular medical checks, practice safe sex, and outside of brazil and Thailand, do not get emotionally involved and it is all legal. Go there and get laid!

Last edited by Somehowyou : 06-18-2011 at 12:17 AM.
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