Is BDSM inborn or made ?

I always had this question in mind.

My opinion is that BDSM is made. In my childhood, my parents always told me to be kind to others and never hurt them. This made me a person who found happiness in making others happy. This probably turned me towards being a sub. These things happen so early in life that we may not recall the beginning of our BDSM.But this is only my opinion.

But a lot of people strongly believe that BDSM cannot be made, and we are born with it.

What do you people think ? Is it inborn or made ?
PLEASE give an explaination also..

I don't know on this one. It's tough. For me, ever since I was a younger kid (12/13), I liked to get in trouble. Not because it was fun doing whatever I wanted, but because of the punishment. It didn't even matter who was dishing it out. It wasn't always physical, sometimes it was just being screamed at and sent to my room. Being told I couldn't do anything. Having dinner kept from me. It was all a thrill because I have no control whatsoever. That has carried over to today.

Some people I have talked to have said that their perfect life as a kid caused it. Perfect life as in not getting in trouble a way of spankings and what not. More just being given the "time out" treatment and all of that. It's almost like it was all bottled up and then, boom.

So really it could go either way. For me, I think it was born in. For others it is created over time. Sexual frustration, the feelings of needing to be in control, feelings of needing to lose control. I am sure it varies by person.

xperia2995 said:

I always had this question in mind.

My opinion is that BDSM is made. In my childhood, my parents always told me to be kind to others and never hurt them. This made me a person who found happiness in making others happy. This probably turned me towards being a sub. These things happen so early in life that we may not recall the beginning of our BDSM.But this is only my opinion.

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And there are a lot of people in the world who find happiness in making others happy, who identify as Tops, Dominants and Sadists.

But a lot of people strongly believe that BDSM cannot be made, and we are born with it.

What do you people think ? Is it inborn or made ?
PLEASE give an explanation also..

Click to expand...

Yes to both; no to both.

[the FBI breaks in looking for Mother Simpson]
Grampa: All right! I admit it! I'm the Lindbergh baby! Wah wah! Goo goo! I miss my fly-fly dada!
Bill Gannon: Are you stalling for time, or are you just senile?
Grampa: A little from column A, a little from column B.

it's the good old nature vs nurture debate.

I once turned to a woman and asked her: "How did you get into BDSM?"

"Oh, " she said, "Me and my girlfriend went to a demonstration at Michigan Women's fest this summer."

But the truth was, she was one of the most sadistic tops I've ever had the pleasure to play with, and her aggression came from within. In fact, she was such a asshole as a person...

Me, I've always gotten pleasure out of pain-- my nerve endings just work that way. But I might not have noticed in particular, you know-- because I get just as much pleasure out of pleasure.

The potential to need or want BDSM comes from within. Some people never have that potential triggered, some do. Some people undergo the same triggers and never want BDSM.

Niko408 said:

I don't know on this one. It's tough. For me, ever since I was a younger kid (12/13), I liked to get in trouble. Not because it was fun doing whatever I wanted, but because of the punishment. It didn't even matter who was dishing it out. It wasn't always physical, sometimes it was just being screamed at and sent to my room. Being told I couldn't do anything. Having dinner kept from me. It was all a thrill because I have no control whatsoever. That has carried over to today.

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That is so hot...

Born this way.

Once triggered, and embraced, I've never felt more fulfilled & content - not just sexually, but overall in life.

Born this way.

(Yes, I'm an asshole.)

Born into it, but I do think it requires some kind of trigger, in most cases. We don't understand our kinky preferences without some help. Maybe we see someone tied up on a TV cop show, or spanked in an old black and white movie, but something has to turn it on. Without that little flame to ignite the burn, I think we stay confused and in the dark.

I would say in many cases, the potential is born inside someone, to be submissive or Dominant, sadistic, or masochistic.

However, those behaviors can be developed as well, from a person who may never have had those in them before.

Each persons journey is different, but ultimately, it's what makes you happy and satisfied that is most important, not where it comes from.

I spent 11 years of life, since I first started to grow sexually, searching for something to click into place, and when I finally began exploring my submissive side, it did click into place.

It isn't just about pleasing, or about serving, or even about my own submission. It's about what feels right.

Confidently I will say that I was born, I am, and always have been, me. When it comes to the ideas of BDSM/Ds I have not "become" anything through my experiences, I have just finally realized these neglected and , (for various reasons) denied pieces of myself. Yes, I have gained skills and learned lessons, but that has not changed my identity. Looking back over my life, even through childhood, I can clearly see now that I have always been missing "something" and through the exploration and understanding of what it was I have actually been looking for, parts of me started to wake up. I have finally found reassuring external resonance within a community and then finally waves of internal peace about who I am and what I need to feel more "me". That said, I can't express enough how grateful I am for boards/threads like these and the beautiful people that post to them so openly.

No idea. None. I always loved control, and when I hit puberty it became overtly sexualized. Did it push me out of the womb, in a whitehot blast, or did the kinkfairy dust me in the enchanted woods? I have no clue. Is there a test I can take, or a kit I can use, like a home pregnancy test, that will show blue for inborn or white for made??

Might as well jump in with both feetsies, right? (I'm new here, please, be, ummmmmm let's go for firm but merciful, since I hardly know ya'll yet.)

I think it might maybe be a 'make-able' thing, but from all the folks I've known I think there's at least a seed in there to start with. I'm a pleaser, always have been. I don't want to get in trouble, not real trouble. I tend to try to make things right for others even at the expense of myself. On top of that, I'm a sensation whore. I didn't get the BDSM part til later, but I've always had trouble figuring out about crossing lines and dangling on the edge of stuff. Done some cutting, some pinning (same thing but with pokey stuff), masturbated til I was sore. My off switch is busted. I think finding someone who could exploit that was only a matter of time.

The Doms I've been with have almost all been the same, from the other side. None of them ever really cruel, but very interested in finding the edges with someone else.

Here's what I wonder about. Are some of the bad guys who become serial-killer types maybe the same, but they never found a consenting outlet? Maybe the need was so strong and frustrated that they couldn't stop. Not every serial-type, since obviously they're not all torturers. Or maybe that's me trying to think a good sub could've made it all better?

DeepGreenEyes said:

No idea. None. I always loved control, and when I hit puberty it became overtly sexualized. Did it push me out of the womb, in a whitehot blast, or did the kinkfairy dust me in the enchanted woods? I have no clue. Is there a test I can take, or a kit I can use, like a home pregnancy test, that will show blue for inborn or white for made??

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I'm allergic to kinkfairy dust. It gives me hives.

I've always preferred to be the planner and the causer in sex. Always. I just didn't have a context for it, even after reading some de Sade and books like The Story of O, until I met someone who helped me see how much better sex was when I got to add pain and other difficulties to the mix.

I agree with the fact it's inborn but you need to be given the right triggers to set it off... I always used to play "schools" with my friends as a kid and in real life I was a teacher's pet but in our games I was always the naughty one and had to be punished and I always got a kick out of it. When I grew more sex-conscious I developed a strong fantasy image of naughty schoolgirl role-plays... So for me it was definitely already ingrained in me from an early age.

Some people grow into it. Some people are born into it.

Me? I was born this way. Being submissive is as part of me as my eye color and my sexuality. It's an orientation, a piece of my heart and personality.

I was born into it. I didn't understand it. I wasn't comfortable with it. I pushed against it. I heard about it from others, thought, that's fine for them but not for me. Then one day, something helped me understand it in a way that clicked for me. From there I grew into it.

FF

satindesire said:

Some people grow into it. Some people are born into it.

Me? I was born this way. Being submissive is as part of me as my eye color and my sexuality. It's an orientation, a piece of my heart and personality.

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laceNlthrgrrl said:

Might as well jump in with both feetsies, right? (I'm new here, please, be, ummmmmm let's go for firm but merciful, since I hardly know ya'll yet.)

I think it might maybe be a 'make-able' thing, but from all the folks I've known I think there's at least a seed in there to start with. I'm a pleaser, always have been. I don't want to get in trouble, not real trouble. I tend to try to make things right for others even at the expense of myself. On top of that, I'm a sensation whore. I didn't get the BDSM part til later, but I've always had trouble figuring out about crossing lines and dangling on the edge of stuff. Done some cutting, some pinning (same thing but with pokey stuff), masturbated til I was sore. My off switch is busted. I think finding someone who could exploit that was only a matter of time.

The Doms I've been with have almost all been the same, from the other side. None of them ever really cruel, but very interested in finding the edges with someone else.

Click to expand...

Its awfully nice to meet you!

Here's what I wonder about. Are some of the bad guys who become serial-killer types maybe the same, but they never found a consenting outlet? Maybe the need was so strong and frustrated that they couldn't stop. Not every serial-type, since obviously they're not all torturers. Or maybe that's me trying to think a good sub could've made it all better?

Click to expand...

Well maybe some few-- but the thing is, they could have found another outlet if that's what they were looking for. BDSM has been around for a while now.

If someone wants to torture unwilling people to death, that desire is not going to be satisfied by BDSM.

DeepGreenEyes said:

No idea. None. I always loved control, and when I hit puberty it became overtly sexualized. Did it push me out of the womb, in a whitehot blast, or did the kinkfairy dust me in the enchanted woods? I have no clue. Is there a test I can take, or a kit I can use, like a home pregnancy test, that will show blue for inborn or white for made??

Click to expand...

Lol

Stella_Omega said:

Its awfully nice to meet you!
Well maybe some few-- but the thing is, they could have found another outlet if that's what they were looking for. BDSM has been around for a while now.

If someone wants to torture unwilling people to death, that desire is not going to be satisfied by BDSM.

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Thanks for the welcome!

I think you're 99% correct. It just sort of makes me wonder at times how fine the line is--on both sides even. I can fantasize about being taken by a stranger, with all the hot add-ons, but I suspect I'd scream bloody murder if it actually happened. I hope!

I mostly prefer playing in the land of consenting adults.

Niko408 said:

I don't know on this one. It's tough. For me, ever since I was a younger kid (12/13), I liked to get in trouble. Not because it was fun doing whatever I wanted, but because of the punishment. It didn't even matter who was dishing it out. It wasn't always physical, sometimes it was just being screamed at and sent to my room. Being told I couldn't do anything. Having dinner kept from me. It was all a thrill because I have no control whatsoever. That has carried over to today.
.

Click to expand...

Mmmmmm..

laceNlthrgrrl said:

Thanks for the welcome!

I think you're 99% correct. It just sort of makes me wonder at times how fine the line is--on both sides even. I can fantasize about being taken by a stranger, with all the hot add-ons, but I suspect I'd scream bloody murder if it actually happened. I hope!

I mostly prefer playing in the land of consenting adults.

Click to expand...

Oh I can fantasise all sorts of things... You betcha! And I could orchestrate a "rape" in which the "Stranger" is a friend of a highly trusted friend, but someone I haven't met, I suppose...

But real rape isn't hot, the extras are missing, there's terror and damage and much ugliness the likes of which I won't go into on this thread, it's a violent, criminal attack. Victims can end up with lifelong physical damage, STDs, and years and years of PTSD to contend with afterwards.

BIG differences there. Men who rape aren't usually doing it for love and sexiness.

I'm not quite sure if I'm into the whole BDSM scene, but I'm slowly beginning to think it's quite possible. So I thought I might add my opinion.

I think maybe it's more made, but that we are all born with the capability of turning one way or the other. Like our personality can start out one way, which would mean we could end up as one thing, but then things happen and it changes us.

Sorry if that's confusing, it's the best way I can explain it.

And example would be me. As a little kid I was always the boss. I had to be in control of everything. I hated it when I couldn't dictate how or when or why something happened.

But as I got older the other kids teased me and the teachers teased me and openly hated me because I wasn't shy and quiet and reserved like my sister. I was happy and loud and talkative and always in the thick of thing.

And with all those people against me I got angry that they could see me so wrong. I knew I was better than what they said and I tried so hard to prove it and in the end it became my wanting to please them instead of upstage them.

I became the shy quiet kid who just wanted to be left alone and fade into the shadows. And I get no greater pleasure than making people happy, no matter what it does to me, even if it makes me sad.

And one thing I realize is that as I got older, but was still young enough to pay pretend I would tell everyone what to and somehow it always turned into some weird game of some monster or other trapping us (I was usually playing with the little girls next door) and somehow I always became tied up and had no control over anything. And I definitely remember getting excited over it, though I didn't know what that feeling meant and wouldn't know until I was 13.

Haha! I don't know. In writing this I'm beginning to think maybe it can be more of an inborn thing and I was always this way. Don't some people who are in a position of authority like to be submissive in other parts of their life?

I think BDSM is inborn. Short and sweet post.

Sandra