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Old 04-11-2011, 01:09 AM   #1
italianGod
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Talking Let's tickle the funny bones :)

Folks, the whole idea of this thread is to share some jokes / quotes / statements / short stories which may tickle our funny bones....Lit is funny too !!
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Old 04-11-2011, 01:10 AM   #2
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So me to start.........

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'
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Old 04-11-2011, 01:19 AM   #3
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Another one...by a mom

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget... This particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. ''Without you, we are but dust'...He would have continued but at that moment this very obedient daughter who was listening, leaned over to her and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'
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Old 04-11-2011, 03:50 AM   #4
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Old 04-11-2011, 03:54 AM   #5
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Old 04-11-2011, 04:06 AM   #6
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Just because I'm blonde ;)

Blonde stewardess

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering
what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captaind asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says "Do Not Disturb"!!"
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Old 04-11-2011, 07:02 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by micia_sira View Post
Blonde stewardess

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering
what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captaind asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says "Do Not Disturb"!!"
LOL...you are a really funny blonde anyway
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Old 04-11-2011, 07:02 AM   #8
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Last edited by italianGod : 04-11-2011 at 07:03 AM. Reason: grrrr
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Old 04-11-2011, 07:04 AM   #9
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Little JAMES who is 4 was listening to a Bible story. His Dad read: 'The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the flea? '
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Old 04-11-2011, 07:05 AM   #10
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3 Year old Jack was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?'
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Old 04-11-2011, 07:06 AM   #11
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Old 04-11-2011, 07:08 AM   #12
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Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, with a warning from the Mother Superior not to get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint naked...

In the middle of the project, there's a knock at the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man. "Where do you want the blinds?"
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Old 04-11-2011, 07:11 AM   #13
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60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)

As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting. Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?', here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Cheers !!
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Old 04-11-2011, 07:12 AM   #14
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Old 04-11-2011, 11:49 PM   #15
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This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs. He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."
"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"
"A fottle, replies the inventor."
"A fottle? That's a stupid! Can't you think of something else?"
"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."
"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.
"A farton," replies the inventor. "That's rude. You can't possibly call it that!"
"In that case," says the inventor... "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."
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Old 04-11-2011, 11:52 PM   #16
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The Pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers? Laurie stood and walked to the podium. She said; "I have a praise! Two months ago, my husband, Herb, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Herb, must have experienced. "Herb, was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation and it turned out, they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Herb's scrotum. They wrapped wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Herb. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice; "thank the Lord, Herb, is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The Pastor rose and hesitantly/tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say?

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said; "I'm Herb." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is, Sternum."
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Old 04-11-2011, 11:58 PM   #17
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A Poem for Old men

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.

What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.

But now I've got a full time job,
To find the bloody thing.

It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!!
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Old 04-12-2011, 12:00 AM   #18
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The real meaning of the "F" Word

Listen to this - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cscoYJ4bGgM
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Old 04-12-2011, 12:01 AM   #19
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A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?

'Not yet,' she replied
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Old 04-12-2011, 12:02 AM   #20
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Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?

A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.
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Old 04-12-2011, 12:08 AM   #21
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Old 04-12-2011, 12:15 AM   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Daizie View Post
LOL...nice one Daizie
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Old 04-12-2011, 12:16 AM   #23
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Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: M elt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING ?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...
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Old 04-12-2011, 12:17 AM   #24
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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
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Old 04-12-2011, 12:21 AM   #25
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