Why do women stay in abusive relationships?

I know it's a common topic, but seriously, they blame it on "love", but is there something more to it?

YoungMaster87 said:

I know it's a common topic, but seriously, they blame it on "love", but is there something more to it?

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How long is a piece of string?

I'm sure the others will have something more constructive, but yeah, every single answer is unique to every single indicidual, however, there'll be a few common themes.

Fear.

Of being permantly phyiscally damaged. Losing your kids. Loss of home, income, posessions. True abuse is not something women put up with because of "love". The fear of what will happen to them if they attempt to leave stops them from escaping. Dont they say women are beaten approx 130 times before they tell anyone. Often its when the violence is turned against thier children that thay finally risk it and go. Most murders are comitted by abusive spouses.

There is more than physical abuse also. After being married for 19+ years and 2 kids, I finally decided enough was enough. I raised our kids and pretty much put my entire life on hold for a family which I do not regret. What I do regret is being cheated on over and over and constantly being reminded of how much money he (the cheating bastard ex) made and how it was always his way or no way. It is amazing how easy it can be to fall into the trap of believing that we have no choice but to remain in our given situation. Brainwashed is an accurate description.

I think it can "sneak up on you".
It doesn´t start with something obviously abusive but with a "joke" that makes you feel a bit bad about yourself, with a partner who comes between you and your friends and family. A bit further down the road you might find yourself without other support than the abuser, feeling worthless and helpless.

It can be fear, and not without reason as more women are murdered by partners after leaving the relationship then while still living in the abusive relationship, but it is also often because the abused person in a romantic (for want of a better definition) relationship often undergoes a lot of confusion which keeps them constantly swinging from wanting to get out, to feeling guilty for such thoughts, to questioning their own ability to judge the situation. One of the riskiest things an outsider can do in this situation is step in and tell the abused what they should do...to do so can risk alienating the abused who might feel an obligation to defend the abuser; putting the abused's life (and children if involved) at risk if they act on your advice or tell the abusive partner; or endangering your own life.

The confusion comes about from a lot of psychological games from the abusive partner, not to mention the cycle where one day the abuser is loving, kind, supportive etc., to at a later date being abusive in varying degrees. Being with someone whose character and behaviour seem to contradict each other on a regular basis and who the abused might have initially believed them to be can be impossibly confusing. It really is not hard to imagine how that would confuse someone, especially someone who was in love at some point.

Difficult as it is, the abused person is usually the best person to know if and when they can leave safely. Many of those who have been murdered while trying to leave or after leaving have come about as a result of others encouraging them to leave without any consideration as to what the outcome could be, or simply believeing that if they can convince them to leave, they can only be better off....often it is the worst thing they could have done. Timing can be everything, but unfortunately, because of the legal restrictions and difficulties,for some, as sad as it may seem, the safest thing they can do is stay within the abusive relationship. Hopefully one day this will change, but I gave up holding my breathe a long time ago.

Catalina

I really struggle with this question. Should I sympathize with people who are being hurt? Should I bother to understand their circumstances? Should I selfishly indulge in a dark schadenfreude because I've been rejected so consistently? I don't think there's a right answer.

I think there are many reasons.
- It's possible that the partner is nice to the children and the woman doesn't want the children to grow up without their father.
- There is often hope that he is really going to stop this time because he promised or the police came, the injuries were more serious, he knows she would leave if he ever did it again ... And the women want to believe he can be the man again they fell in love with. They convince themselves that it won't happen again.
- Its too scary or difficult to live on their own with several children.
- Some women already grew up with abusive relatives and think it has to be that way.
- He usually isn't abusive most of the time and some women want to hold on to the good times.
- Some women don't know where they can go.
- Some don't want to openly admit they have been in an abusive relationship.
- Some women with a different cultural background have been raised to accept this behavious as normal.

Each has their own reason.....for me it was being convinced I had no where esle to go. No one else would love me or put up with me. I was convinced of this until the light bulb went off one day. Now I never look back and thank that jerk for making me a stronger woman.

Felix_Jones said:

I really struggle with this question. Should I sympathize with people who are being hurt? Should I bother to understand their circumstances? Should I selfishly indulge in a dark schadenfreude because I've been rejected so consistently? I don't think there's a right answer.

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You can do all three at the same time. AND also be irritated at the stubbornness of someone who won't leave a bad place, and worried and frightened on their behalf.

Those are all emotional reactions that are understandable and probably unavoidable-- the real question is, which do you choose to communicate to the involved party? I hope the answer to that is-- the reactions that offer the most support to the person, keeping in mind that you aren't walking in their moccassins.

The abuse creates fear and it's also a form of brainwashing. Some women are abused by their fathers, uncle, doctor or another person of power. If abuse is what they knew as a child they can sometimes seek out an abusive partner without being aware of it. The abusive partner can tell what kind of personality is susceptible to his abuse. Once he finds her, the first of the relationship is sweet, loving and kind, until he has his control in place.

A part of the control the abuser uses is to remove any family, friend, etc., basically any relationship that could be a way for the abused partner to seek or find help. The fewer relationships outside of the abusive relationship, the more absolute his power is. That is also because an abusive personality is really emotionally weak and absolute control is how he survives.

While the abused partner must take the initiative and get out of the relationship, she must first understand and recognize that it is in fact abusive. Without any outside relationships to talk to, sometimes the abuse is all they know, and they just get deeper and deeper into it.

The brainwashing takes hold and unless there is some outside help to open a door to safety as well as hiding them from the abusive partner, a way out is seen as almost impossible. If the way out isn't thought out, the abuser can find her and coax her back. If that happens, it's even more difficult to get them out a second time. It seems safer to shut down emotionally and just live with the abuse.

Stella_Omega said:

You can do all three at the same time. AND also be irritated at the stubbornness of someone who won't leave a bad place, and worried and frightened on their behalf.

Those are all emotional reactions that are understandable and probably unavoidable-- the real question is, which do you choose to communicate to the involved party? I hope the answer to that is-- the reactions that offer the most support to the person, keeping in mind that you aren't walking in their moccassins.

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Possibly. I'm old school though. I don't meddle.

I was 17 years old when I got into what I didn't yet know was an abusive relationship. He was my senior by 5 years and I was kind of lost after the death of my father. I moved in with him (against my mothers wishes) and he introduced me to the BDSM scene.

Well, all was fun for 6 months. I found I had a love of pain, no real reason why, not abused or hurt as a child, just something I enjoyed.

The first time he took it too far, snapped, he begged my forgiveness immediately, told me it would never happen again. It did. It increased, the circumstances of my abuse became massive.

I endured being chained, beaten, raped and mentally abused for 4 years. In that time I lost everything except him.

Why did I stay? Because at first, I thought I could change him. As time went on and the beatings became more frequent, each one was accompanied with "This is YOUR fault, if YOU hadn't done XYZ, then I wouldn't be doing this". Eventually I believed it. I believed that I had brought it upon myself, I believed that no one could possibly want me, that I was not worthy of anything and was lucky to have him to show me the error of my ways. I stayed because I knew he would find me, I stayed out of fear.

I was lucky, I was 'rescued', others aren't so lucky.

My self esteem suffered, long term. But I am out, I am stronger, I am still me.

You live crazy for long enough, then it becomes your "normal"...this new normal can make even rational things like "living in fear is wrong" seem crazy. Pushed to the brink, we as animals will endure anything to secure our survival...at all costs...yes, even logic. If a person believes being beaten is their best means of survival, then they will endure simply to survive because they are being forced to act from a very primal place.

The impact we have on each other as human beings as we interact is profound, and judgement of these struggles as "weak" or "simple" is not helpful at all. It is profoundly sad, but for a lot of people, they were never taught what love is supposed to feel like, so how can they seek it out or even identify or understand it? It would be like calling a kid stupid for not knowing algebra when he has never had the chance to go to school. For these people, the concept that real love doesn't hurt is a lesson that has to be learned somehow later in life, and for some experiencing love as a surrendered sanctuary never happens at all. I mean they coined the term "Stockholm syndrome" based on a bank robbery that only lasted 6 days...imagine the depths of surrender to being a hostage achieved after decades of isolation?

This is a very, very sad, and intricately complex problem. Definitely needs to be approached with compassion and not judgement if we are to make any progress at all.

I could write pages and pages (especially since I moved out of the house a week ago to get away from my emotionally abusive husband). But I can only comment on my own circumstances:
* It happened so gradually for me that I didn't realize how far deep I had been until I "woke up" 15 years into the marriage
* I didn't have the confidence to leave him and be on my own with my children (that isn't the same as not having confidence in general)
* I believed his stories that I was over-reacting, that I was the one who was too sensitive, that this is what a marriage should be
* I am afraid of him .. afraid of his outburts and anger. It is easier to just drift along as is than to voluntarily bring down his wrath

In my case, I stayed for 23 years.
I stayed because although he was emotionally abusive he never hit me or the kids. He did have an explosive temper though, which he tended to take out on animals. I'm sure that even today he would say he was not abusive, he just didn't see it that way.

He was critical, he put me down a lot. So far down in fact that I thought I wouldn't have the confidence to make it out there on my own. He was jealous and possessive. In earlier days, me being young and naive, I thought it was because he loved me. Now I know that because of his own insecurities he had to bring me so far down I'd never have the courage to leave him.

He was wrong.

Does anyone else find it curious that this was placed in the BDSM forum?

Etoile said:

Does anyone else find it curious that this was placed in the BDSM forum?

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Yes. It was my first thought when I saw it, but when no one else said anything about it, I kept my mouth shut.

BiBunny said:

Yes. It was my first thought when I saw it, but when no one else said anything about it, I kept my mouth shut.

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I'm not expecting the OP to come back, so there's not much chance of getting to ask why it was placed here, and therefore it's moot. Some excellent discussion going on though.

I think it's also important to remember, that what seems like an abusive relationship to the people outside of it, isn't necessarily abusive at all to the ones inside it. I realize there are a lot of people in actual abusive relationships who don't/won't/can't face the reality, but it's my pet peeve to point out the flipside of the coin too. (And at least this is an attempt to sort of tie this topic to BDSM.)

I've been in a situation, where people have tried to make me leave my relationship, because they found his controlling tendencies to be too much, no matter how happy it made me. D/s can be easily labeled as abuse, because often what's seen on the outside can look pretty similar. Bruises, controlling partner, some secrecy over the relationship etc. I found my friends' and family's whole crucade to save me from myself to be excruciatingly annoying and even insulting at times and it only made me want to keep some distance to them, when they again and again raised the same topic to discussion in many different, subtle ways.

I suppose, had I really been in an abusive relationship, the reaction would have been to dig my heels in even harder and stay in the relationship just to show others that they're wrong. I'm stupidly stubborn like that.

But yeah, I don't really know why people stay in abusive relationships.

Number of Reasons I guess.

Sometimes its just easier to stay especially when your decisions and choices are constantly ridiculed. It's incredibly difficult to leave someone who will not let you go or you start to make excuses to yourself on why it's easier to stay.

You feel worthless, that no one else will ever want you or that you will never be good enough for anyone. Where are you going to go thats safe when all you can really leave with is the clothes on your back, any friends that you have are his friends as well and will not usually get involved. You feel embarressment about sharing your problems and how that person treats you with other people.

Then moving onto the stalking, the phone calls, the harrassment, the blame game the name calling.

And sometimes you just don't realise it's happening or justify it to yourself until its almost to late.

I knew a woman who had come to expect it. One experience was that she wanted a beating, I acted as I intended to oblige but instead was kind to her the whole night. I was very happy to tease out her peaceful, confident side.

She got out of her relationship by flying across the world.

Wow, thank you for all your responses. Some interesting and saddening experiences.. Makes things a lot clearer now. There seems to be quite a few commonalities between the situations, but the particular indivual/individuals I'm thinking of have no children, have high-paying jobs, and could easily make it on their own. But as you say, other factors must be taken into account. Apologies for posting it in the BDSM section.. My bad.

IrisAlthea said:

I think it can "sneak up on you".
It doesn´t start with something obviously abusive but with a "joke" that makes you feel a bit bad about yourself, with a partner who comes between you and your friends and family. A bit further down the road you might find yourself without other support than the abuser, feeling worthless and helpless.

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It absolutely sneaks up on you.

Every abusive relationship is, however toxic it may be, still considered a relationship by its participants. And, even though from the outside it looks horrible, from the inside, it often just appears to "need work" like every other relationship in the world. I don't think those who abuse always realize they are doing it either. They are not all psychopaths who plot for their next victim. Nobody is all good or all bad.

Abusive partners rarely, if ever, engage in abusive behavior before happiness is experienced in the relationship. For some who stay, it's those memories of how wonderful the person had been to them in the past. For others, it's resources, or children, or both, or something different entirely.

The one thing I learned from being raped and abused by a partner was that I experienced it entirely in shades of gray - only after it ended did I see what had truly been happening.

For me the situation was that he was verbally abusive to me and I have been planning a way to leave him. My situation was that leaving means having to find a new job and a new place for me and my son. Jobs are so hard to find nowdays that I have resorted to moving to a new state with no support from anyone and that's the scary part for me but I know that I can do this and will make it through.