How to... Get over a breakup when the girl was _stunning_?

Anyone got some advice for a long time member, first time poster?

Going through all the 'usual' post-breakup phases, just having the 'usual' hard time that comes with that too.

This girl was a former model, 5"11 with an absolutely fantastic backside that defied gravity and looked like a perfect peach when she was lying down. By far the best looking girl I've ever been out with, and I'm no slouch in the gf department. And at 28, I kinda feel like I'm running out of time to find ones as young and attractive as she was (she's 21, but looked 24-26 and acted that age too, overall).

And yes, she did have a nice personality She was just a little too immature in some respects, and too impatient in others. Wanted to move in with me after less than 6 months, and got more impatient/resentful as time went on, despite us agreeing that we should at least be together for a bit longer first and see how it all goes.

I'd get over it quicker if it wasn't for that fact that she was literally the woman of my dreams, physically. Another point or two in the personality/maturity/patience column and I would have married her day 1.

You've answered your own question. You need more than physical beauty to captivate you, and that, my friend is the heart of maturity! You're looking for a depth of character that is also housed in a beautiful facade, a very rarefied commodity, if you ask me. You may need to ratchet back your outward aesthetic standards just a bit - a very minor bit - and focus more on what the woman has on the inside, between her ears, that is going to keep you stimulated after the beauty fades.

These comments are NOT one sided, by any means! Men succumb to the same lack of depth, so be aware that what you're searching for in a woman, women are searching for in you. Be yourself, own who you are, and honestly look for a compatible mate rather than a physical specimen that you want to hump. Look for someone that feeds your soul, not your animalistic desires.

I've had one or three like that, and they tended toward narcissistic nuttiness, which over the long haul, will wear you out. And break you.

That 20-something isn't gonna look like that forever; the person within is more enduring (with a small detour for menopause).

Of course, if you're the kind of guy that values trophy wives, none of this matters...take heart in the knowledge that there's an ample supply of women who value trophy husbands out there.

kaldo said:

And at 28, I kinda feel like I'm running out of time to find ones as young and attractive as she was (she's 21, but looked 24-26 and acted that age too, overall).

And yes, she did have a nice personality She was just a little too immature in some respects, and too impatient in others. Wanted to move in with me after less than 6 months, and got more impatient/resentful as time went on, despite us agreeing that we should at least be together for a bit longer first and see how it all goes.

I'd get over it quicker if it wasn't for that fact that she was literally the woman of my dreams, physically. Another point or two in the personality/maturity/patience column and I would have married her day 1.

Click to expand...

It's interesting that you're still hoping for someone who's that young after this experience. She's 21; you can't expect a 21yo to have the maturity and patience of someone who's 28, or even 25. We grow a whole lot in our twenties.

Of course if you're immature for your age, you might do better with someone who's younger - at least until they grow up and figure out they want a partner who is farther along in life.

My advice is to focus on why it didn't work out and avoid repeating your mistakes (including, but not limited to, being overly focused on the physical side of things). And don't even think about marrying someone until the new relationship energy has worn off and you know exactly who they are (which takes a good amount of time), regardless of what they look like.

kaldo said:

Anyone got some advice for a long time member, first time poster?

Going through all the 'usual' post-breakup phases, just having the 'usual' hard time that comes with that too.

This girl was a former model, 5"11 with an absolutely fantastic backside that defied gravity and looked like a perfect peach when she was lying down. By far the best looking girl I've ever been out with, and I'm no slouch in the gf department. And at 28, I kinda feel like I'm running out of time to find ones as young and attractive as she was (she's 21, but looked 24-26 and acted that age too, overall).

And yes, she did have a nice personality She was just a little too immature in some respects, and too impatient in others. Wanted to move in with me after less than 6 months, and got more impatient/resentful as time went on, despite us agreeing that we should at least be together for a bit longer first and see how it all goes.

I'd get over it quicker if it wasn't for that fact that she was literally the woman of my dreams, physically. Another point or two in the personality/maturity/patience column and I would have married her day 1.

Click to expand...

The first thing you need to do is get over this idea that you are running out of time to find a young woman; believe it or not, there is life after 30. And as far as wanting a 21 year old girl, at that age, they are all immature. That’s why people mature as they grow older.

Also, if she was actually the woman of your dreams, she wouldn’t have dumped you, would she? And if she was the woman of your dreams, perhaps you need to rethink your dreams. You do understand that a 21 year old girl is going to be 31 years old in 10 years, and she is going to look 31 years old? What were you going to do then, dump her and get another 21 year old?

Maybe you should stop beating yourself up trying to find the perfect woman, and find someone you enjoy being with. There is no perfect woman, and life is too short to chase pipe-dreams. The true beauty of a woman is within.

dude...

At 28 your single life is in prime time.

I dated/engaged a similat woman during the same time frame in my life. We were off/on then finally split. Yeah, she was the slim 6'1" brunetter model with an elegant jawline and b cups so tight they made me forget I was allegedly a breast man. But all that could not trump the immaturity factor. Last I heard she was twice divorced and only keeps a job for about two years. When she got her Master she got "snooty". I wonder if that attitude remains?

Honestly, that relationship highlighted what I did not want. That made me the better for it.

Now go out and do some charity work and invite at least two women out for coffee by month's end.

Thanks for the advice guys.... I really mean it. Some great tips in there from all of you.

To clarify, I would never have dated someone so young if I'd known their age first... but with these tall leggy brunettes, you really can't tell. When we first met, she was telling me about her friends '29th' that she was headed too, etc... it wasn't until a few weeks later that I asked what year she was in at uni, to which she responded "first", with a blush. My friends and I had all thought she was at least 24-26. And when I say I'd like to find someone young- I'm referring to more within that age bracket

And asides from the physical aspects, she also did have the sort of personality I crave- outgoing, friendly - able to be taken to a social event and talk to anyone and everyone without being your silent shadow the whole time.

She was basically, at risk of sounding as cliche as possible, 'very mature for her age'- but I was always a little wary because of it. Pretty much why I had to put on the brakes a little when she was focused on moving in asap- to the house I own, nonetheless. I admit, I first opened her up to the idea- by giving her the spare keys to my place, and saying "let's see how we go come the end of the year...". But she brought it up too often and since she had ongoing problems with her family (another red flag-- these were minor problems, but exacerbated by her impatient temperament), she pretty much wanted to jump ship from them and come straight over to me.

Anyway, I'm rambling -- as many people do when they've just come out of something they weren't ready to leave.

All in all, she was too immature- and I know that. But you think it's easier to sit here and remember that, or remember her infectious laugh, her insatiable and fun sex drive, and her incredibly cute face, etc?

I'm usually the guy giving out the advice to my friends... it's just how this ended - in particular, how it ended a week after we said we'd give it all another shot - has kind of knocked the wind out of me.

my advice eat sweets thats what helps me

kaldo, you sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders. you already know--better than any of us--the kind of advice you've given your friends in these circumstances.

remember that she was immature and emotionally unprepared for the kind of relationship you're after. this won't stop it from hurting, i know. and it won't stop you from missing her.

unfortunately, the only thing i know that will help is time.

and yeah, i know: you know that, too. but sometimes, it helps to hear it from others.

ed

OK, I'm going the opposite way here because I think everyone covered the obvious. What if...

she wasn't too immature...you were and she only waited for you so long? You dated 6 months...you gave her your keys...and she started talking about going the next step. Duh...yea...if you don't know what you want after 6 months, she was correct in dumping you. Your responses when she brought these things up resulted in this end result.

Personally, I think you are analyzing the person way too much. Either you wanted to be with her or you didn't. She believes you didn't. Now...what are you going to do about THAT? To me, that is the real question. Stop thinking with either head and go with the heart. What do you want?

Sounds like you lost hand.


http://roissy.wordpress.com/the-sixteen-commandments-of-poon/


Especially number XVl

Ok well first of all, thanks to those who've proffered advice/perspective so far No matter what, this is all fairly theraputic... not to mention the kick up the backside I need in many ways right now.

Firstly, to coastal-boy - cheers for the perspective, and I mean that. I guess that's been one of the things eating me up the most, whether or not I'm entirely to blame for this, or if I'd just let her move in back then, would we be going strong right now?

In my head, I rationally listed the reasons (at the time) of why I didn't let it happen:

1. She was 'semi' dating someone when we met. I told her to call it off if she was serious about us... it dragged on for a bit and it wasn't until I finally said to her 'look, I'm sorry but I'm taking myself out of this game. If you wanted to leave him, you would. I think we could be great together, but I'm not waiting around for that to happen any more. (She broke up with him a week later and called me the day after that). But it was the amount of time she took to do that... and the fact that she even went on a holiday with him "because he bought me the plane ticket and I felt bad about breaking up with him before that!" that made me have reservations.

2. She was young (specifically, barely 19 when we met), and still living at home with a dad that gave her a fuel card and covered almost all expenses for her.

3. I'd been in relationships before where things didn't work out after 3-6 months... People can hold off on showing immature sides of themselves for a while.

4. She decided to drop out of uni and take up a full time job. I think this may have been in part because when you're a student going out with someone with a job, car, house etc... You feel inadequate. She insists this was never the case, and I never wanted her to feel that way, but still..

5. Considering how much her dad coddled her, and how much I often felt like I had to guide her, I didn't want her to go from living with one parent to 'another', so to speak. Optimally, I'd of loved her to move out with a girlfriend for 3-6 months, just to get an idea of what it was like in the 'real world', rather then the sheltered existence I would be providing her.

....Basically, all the above, and other little bits, made me hesitate. This was a young girl growing into a fine woman, but she needed some growing up to do- and living with me, effectively sheltering her from her 'annoying' family and what not, I felt... would have stumped that growth.

Nevermind the fact that I'd never considered moving in with someone before, and I have friends who've let girlfriends move in for a time to the house they've owned, only to have the girlfriend take a large chunk of that property with them 6 months later. Doesn't take much to become a de-facto partner in the eyes of the law.

So... all that made me sit down and tell her to 'let's wait it out a year... you can work and save up, I'll be in a better position financially too, and we'll know what we've got is here to last.."

Only problem was, I think that planted the seed of resentment in her mind... I'd given her the keys to my place as a gesture of 'my place is yours, come and go as you want' and said I wanted her to move in at some point. She just saw that point as much sooner than I did.

And at the end of the day, that differing sense of perspective seemed to be our destruction. On one hand, my mind (and friends/family) were telling me to wait things out - if she's right, she'll still be there in 12 months time. On the other hand, her family/friends etc were telling her "if he loved you or you were really the one, then he wouldn't hesitate!!' or 'I married your father 12 months to the day we met, why can't he even let you just move in??' (hmm, maybe things were different 25+ years ago?).

...After all this, arguments would be had for silly reasons and things just kind of went south, with some great highs in between, but some irritating lows.

So to answer your question coastal, what am I going to do about it? Well, there's nothing I can do anymore man. I've asked her to move in, but she's said it's too late - she's not "in love" with me anymore. And she's holding on to too much anger from the past to do anything about it.

Now I've gone and broken all my own rules (which are similar to rosco's commandements) and tried to 'fight for her' to get her back. Needless to say, I've probably pushed her further away now then we ever were when we were dating. And the stupid "what if?" game breaks my heart. What if I had just let her move in? She was still immature, surely it would have shown through in other ways? Right? And there were other little problems, but most of it spawned from the big one.

As for Rosco - great list of commandments

Their all usually something I adhere too. I'm not a player, but I've also never been dumped before. I know how to keep them keen... I've just never had someone SO keen that they wanted to move in from such an early stage.

The last thing she said to me was "I'm going to find someone else, and I'm going to be going over to there house all the time, and they're going to turn to me and say 'hey babe, stop all this useless travelling back and forth and living out of a bag and just move in with me', and you know what Kaldo? I'm going to laugh. 'Cos that's how it should be."

rosco rathbone said:

Sounds like you lost hand.


http://roissy.wordpress.com/the-sixteen-commandments-of-poon/


Especially number XVl

Click to expand...

Again, great list. And you know what? I used to follow a lot of those rules. Then the more I felt that "i'd" stuffed up, the more concessions I made. I mean, if I'm following the rules, I should be able to knock back her moving in early idea and not have any major repercussions, right?

I used to make myself look at her cellulite, or bigish nose, etc etc and remind myself that she wasn't 'that' stunning. You really do need to do that when you don't want to be a sap around a beautiful woman.

I've definitely dropped the ball on XVI as you suggested. Now I've lost my cool and am breaking all my own rules....

I think I'm going to be better after today, especially since I tried confronting her again this morning (no reason- other then to get myself shot down intentionally so I'd move on). And that was because when I'd spoken to her last week, she said she wasn't 100% on the breakup. But she wanted time to get over me... Argh Hard hearing that stuff and not trying to pursue more, even though that's exactly what I should have done.

I may sound a little harsh, but I 'm a man who had been in such situation in the past and maybe my experience can help...

Some years ago I was with a woman whose appearance was like a brunette Sklenarikova; tall, very stylish, legs and ash to die for, beautiful face etc etc. She also had a good personality, but do you know what? Actually we were different in what makes a relationship strong: way of life, values, plans for the future. Unfortunately, I used to underestimate the latter. We had quarrels and long periods full of nerves, but I was forgetting everything when we were walking in the street and men were looking at us, as if they were thinking "what a lucky man he is to fuck such woman". It was pure narcissism: I was flattered by the fact that other men admired me for my lady, and I was intentionally "forgetting" that we weren't compatible characters!

That situation lasted 4 whole years. One day I decided to give an end, before we both need a psychiatrist. The first months were really difficult and very often I had thoughts like yours; when I was reading your words, I said omg it's me some years ago. But believe me, breaking up was the right decision. I understood it when I met my next gf (who later became my wife) and started dating. She isn't as "astonishing" as the previous one (although she's also very beautiful), but actually what matters is that we share common beliefs, we want to do the same things in the future, we share a common way of life. This is what really unites a man and a woman in a long-term relationship. I am still flattered when men look at her like saying "I want to fuck you", but now I have the whole package. And believe me, if I had to choose between appearance and compatibility, I 'd choose the second.

So Kaldo, if the first thing you remember from her is that she was 5"11 with an absolutely fantastic backside that defied gravity and looked like a perfect peach when she was lying down, one thought comes into my mind: either she didn't have other qualities to be remembered for, or she had but they weren't compatible with yours. In both cases, your relationship would be dysfunctional. It doesn't matter whose blame it was; c'est la vie. If you still want to be with her, forgive me but the immature one is you, not the girl. Go on, start dating again, and be sure that sooner or later you 'll find the right one. Good luck!

P/S: Forgive me if my english isn't great; I 'm not a native speaker.

The last thing she said to me was "I'm going to find someone else, and I'm going to be going over to there house all the time, and they're going to turn to me and say 'hey babe, stop all this useless travelling back and forth and living out of a bag and just move in with me', and you know what Kaldo? I'm going to laugh. 'Cos that's how it should be."

Dude. You dodged a bullet.

Speaking as someone who has pulled similar shit before when I was in my early 20s, I'll only offer some insight into her possible psyche, and no real advice as to what you should or shouldn't do.

She was hurt, probably largely an ego issue, and wants you to hurt too. So, it actually probably is very satisfying to her when you come back asking for her to move in with you so that she can hurt you more.

If she's leaving little openings, little hints, she wants you to keep coming back. If you do, she'll keep punishing you for a long time.

If she actually truly does want things to be over, she probably won't leave these little openings/hints.

On the one hand, cutting off contact would be a test, on the other, she'll punish you more if you eventually get back together, because that's what immature people like to do.

Whether or not you want to deal with that is totally your call. This sounds like a crap situation and perhaps you have indeed dodged a bullet, but I also believe that people can mature, and you should give them chances to grow... so basically I've said nothing. Sorry about that.

Man, you really got a bunch of great advice and all I can do is kind of repeat what others have already said. You did dodge a bullet. Don't try to get back with her. You weren't compatible and you aren't going to get more compatible by living together. You seem to be in a state of confusion about what you really want in a woman. I guess, bottom line, you are greedy. You want your cake and you want to eat it too. It doesn't usuually happen that way. If you want to be vain and go for looks you are more than likely going to have to settle for less relationship wise. On the other side you don't want to have a perfect relationship with an ugly fat woman. Believe it or not, there is another option, the middle! You can find someone who you are attracted to both physically and compatibility wise. You're not going to find a life partner by dating younger, immature girls. The good news is that boys usually hit their sexual peak around 18 and women usually hit theirs around 30. Keep that in mind and you might find Ms. Right. Don't dwell an the past. Look forward to the future.

Again, thanks for the advice guys. Feeling a lot better than I did at the start of the week, when I was focusing on my one main possible failing: the 'moving in' issue, as opposed to the multiple failings on her side throughout the time I was with her. There really were some crap moments, and I genuinely think if it wasn't for her looks, I would have called it off long ago. Don't get me wrong, she could also be a very sweet person - would buy things for around my house, help out with cleaning etc etc. But she could also be very selfish, and was a terrible, terrible listener. Wether that's just due to a short attention span or what, I don't know- but it's frustrating when you spend so much time listening to her and her views/dramas etc, then she drifts on the rare occasions I proffer my own.

a75, thanks for the tips and sharing your experiences too. Your english is fantastic by the way, you definitely shouldn't worry about that It certainly can get addictive when other men admire your woman, and you know she's (physically) a great catch. Don't get me wrong- if any of you here met her at a party for a conversation or two, you'd think she was a really great person - she does work in real estate after all So she can talk the talk when she wants to. Just needs a bit more life experience I think... and if she'd essentially gone from one parent to another by living with me only because she wanted to get away from her family, then I don't think she would have grown as much, or at such a fast rate. As it is, I convinced her to move in with a female housemate about 2 blocks away from her work. And she loved it! Says it's such a benefit, and definitely a great experience.... she just holds on to a lot of resentment from the past. And having a father who was in her bad books, but now gets in her good books by telling her negative things about me like "If he really loved you, he never would have let you move out on your own" is pretty bad. She listens to the opinions of those around her more then her own. My friends have been fairly neutral throughout our relationship, whereas hers (likely through only getting half the story) haven't.

Also, yuna1981 - thanks for the perspective You may not think it, but it really was a good contribution. This isn't the first time we've had a break/broken up in the last 4 months. And whenever we've patched things up, she hasn't been able to resist bringing up the past and - as you mentioned - punishing me for it. For now, I think the hints have stopped - so it really is time to move on. Maybe, sometime much later down the track, when she's grown into the incredible woman I know she could be, and enough time has past that whatever happened before is truly IN that past, then we might be able to have another shot at it... but I think a lot of growing up has to be done between now and then - and not just on her side.

And thanks Subwannabe. I haven't always been focused on the physical when it comes to my ex's - in fact, the person I had the best sexual chemistry with was probably the least attractive of them - it was just with this last one, I really did think I'd found the holy grail of great looks, great personality. And she had moments where those things really did co-exist nicely. It was just unfortunate that other moments ended up vastly outnumbering them. She changed a lot over the course of our relationship - which probably had a lot to do with the fact that I met her just before her 19th, and we broke up just before her 21st. She used to be a much more patient and caring person, but going from being a student to unemployed to earning very little while working her way up the real estate ladder, seemed to change her a lot. Gone was a lot of the patience and care-free attitude, her fitness drive (we used to work out together, then she could just never find the 'time' for it) and her general easy-going nature. It just got replaced by someone who couldn't stand being around her parents, and wanted everything a 28+ year old had - even tho that's virtually impossible to have at 20.

Anyways guys, I think I'll be able to rebuild from here. I actually need to focus a bit more on my career and getting further in life, rather than finding the next girl right now. It's just hard to ignore the knee-jerk reaction you get to either a). fix what was broken or b). replace it with something asap. I was actually doing a lot better until I bumped in to her at a bar with her girlfriend's last sunday. Seeing her out and smiling so soon without being able to do what I'm used to doing the last 2 years (i.e. put my arm around her waist, plant a kiss etc) was a bit too much of a blow this soon after the breakup.

Thanks again to all those who took the time to contribute

rosco rathbone said:

Sounds like you lost hand.


http://roissy.wordpress.com/the-sixteen-commandments-of-poon/


Especially number XVl

Click to expand...

Good God almighty. What misogynistic asshole wrote that disgusting piece of trash?

That should be titled "How to act like worthless egotistical asshole and manipulate your way into an insecure and emotionally immature girl's pants-for the guys who are too lame to earn the love of a stable woman."

satindesire said:

Good God almighty. What misogynistic asshole wrote that disgusting piece of trash?

That should be titled "How to act like worthless egotistical asshole and manipulate your way into an insecure and emotionally immature girl's pants-for the guys who are too lame to earn the love of a stable woman."

Click to expand...

Laugh! On closer inspection, I don't agree with numerous points - jealousy, mind games, mistresses etc... But there's some valid points in generally not being a wuss, keep things interesting - and satisfying in the bedroom - and not fawning over her looks. Being an 'oak tree' and not getting caught up in her games etc is good advice. If you don't play silly games with each other, you really can't lose in love.

Annoyed

Still going through bouts of wanting her back... Man, i hate the feeling.

Too easy to remember the happy, fun times of old.

Any sure-fire cures out there?

kaldo said:

I'm not a player, but I've also never been dumped before. I know how to keep them keen... I've just never had someone SO keen that they wanted to move in from such an early stage.

Click to expand...

This is why you can't get over her, because you're pissed that she ended it and not you. That's life I'm afraid, you can't win them all. The sooner you massage that truth into your bruised ego the faster you'll get all of this into perspective and genuinely move on without looking over your shoulder wistfully.

The last thing she said to me was "I'm going to find someone else, and I'm going to be going over to there house all the time, and they're going to turn to me and say 'hey babe, stop all this useless travelling back and forth and living out of a bag and just move in with me', and you know what Kaldo? I'm going to laugh. 'Cos that's how it should be."

Click to expand...

She's goading you, which shows her immaturity. She also seems to think the man in her life should provide her with a roof, shower her with gifts and proceed to treat her like a princess. Don't go showing your immaturity by falling for this crap.

Think about what you would have gone through if you'd allowed her to move in and then decided things weren't working out. You had every right to be cautious. If she wants to make that a dealbreaker, it's her prerogative. Anyone can make anything a dealbreaker if it's important enough to them. Like the other guy said, you dodged a bullet. Suck up the slice of humble pie that you didn't dodge, man up and move on.

kaldo said:

Still going through bouts of wanting her back... Man, i hate the feeling.

Too easy to remember the happy, fun times of old.

Any sure-fire cures out there?

Click to expand...

No immediate cures, sorry.

Focus on your contributions to the breakup instead of focusing on her's. I'm sorry, even though every one of your concerns were valid, none of them are a deal breaker to me as long as I loved her...not even when they are added up. She was "immature"...so what? She is young. She is a spoiled princess...yep, she needs a strong man in her life. You had prior experiences that concerned you...who doesn't? But those experiences have nothing to do with the present and it was unfair to compare her to those...she isn't the same person. You wanted something different than what she was and she was too young to evolve on her own. Something about you made you unwilling to risk the commitment. She sensed this. Answer that, because I doubt this is the first, nor the last time not having this answer will be problematic.

For what its worth...no risk, no glory. When I first met my now wife (here on Lit), there were a million reasons not to move forward. Yet, there was something that clicked in a way that I hadn't experienced before. She is 20 yrs younger. Sure, she wasn't 21 when we met...she was 25, but even she will admit she was an immature, spoiled princess. She can still be...that's just her. But what we have is breath-taking and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I have absolutely no regrets, even if it did end tomorrow. We just celebrated our 7th yr together and it just keeps getting better. Do we have issues with our age? Fuck yea. But it forces us to focus on OUR issues and OUR relationship.

Thanks guys... again, I just appreciate that you take a couple of minutes to get back to me. Everything written here has helped me so much.

Sure, I can still have my off days. This soon after the break-up, that shouldn't be surprising. But re-reading over anything here usually gives me a boost to keep on truckin' through.

And funny you should say that FM - She actually said to me a couple of times this year that she wants someone to treat her like a princess. And despite not letting her move in when she wanted to, I still cleared out space in the wardrobe for her spare clothes, paid for some make-up she could keep at mine to mean less stuff going back and forth, and other little bits and pieces. I might not have been willing/able to have her move in entirely, for both personal and financial reasons, but I was definitely showing my commitment to her and the relationship, if only in my own way.

I think once she dates a few genuine assholes, she's probably going to look back at our time with a lot more perspective. Then again, she might find someone who caters to her every whim and desire. Good for her. By the time either of those things happen, I'm going to be a better person, in a better place.

Thanks again to you too Coastal, and congrats on your recent 7th anniversary! So stoked for you two