Old 09-11-2011, 06:20 PM   #151
Hooey_rorynALT
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Hooey!

A white guy a black man and an oriental man walk into the hospital delivery room.

The patient has a puzzled look on her face and asks: Which one of you is the doctor?

The nurse smiles and says: That's an easy question, the doctor is...



















...the one with the black bag!


Hooey!

P.S. (I am rory the magnificent!)
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Old 09-11-2011, 06:44 PM   #152
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Stephen Tweeted this for us yesterday.

"A man dressed as Gumby robbed a convenience store. Now he's in the Pokey."

http://twitter.com/StephenColbert
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Old 09-11-2011, 06:55 PM   #153
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Quote:
Originally Posted by piccicatopolka View Post
Stephen Tweeted this for us yesterday.

"A man dressed as Gumby robbed a convenience store. Now he's in the Pokey."

http://twitter.com/StephenColbert
Hooey!

That's not a joke, that really happened! Hooey!
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Old 09-13-2011, 08:24 AM   #154
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Tuesday Morning.


Not a joke. ,, But funny.
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Last edited by shamelessZZZ : 09-28-2011 at 07:01 PM.
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Old 09-15-2011, 01:33 PM   #155
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A long wed couple are sharing a bottle of wine over dinner and the wife purrs, "I love you so much... I don't know what I'd ever do without you." So the husband asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?" To which she replies, "Oh its me... talking to the wine."
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Old 09-15-2011, 08:27 PM   #156
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Quote:
Originally Posted by piccicatopolka View Post
A long wed couple are sharing a bottle of wine over dinner and the wife purrs, "I love you so much... I don't know what I'd ever do without you." So the husband asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?" To which she replies, "Oh its me... talking to the wine."
This got Me laughing.
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Old 09-17-2011, 08:16 AM   #157
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A young couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West
African bush tribe whose men all had a penis 24 inches long. When the
black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and
on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the
penis to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his
wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African
string-and-weight procedure?" The husband agreed and they tied a string
and a weight to his penis.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal
experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.


"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

"No, it's turned black."
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Old 09-17-2011, 01:26 PM   #158
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AH HA HA !!



What’s hairy on the outside and moist inside, begins with a 'C' ends with a 'T' and has U' and 'N' in the middle?


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Old 09-17-2011, 10:56 PM   #159
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A young Chinese couple get married.

She's a virgin & they are both waiters.
Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets, as her
husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry
frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss
anyting you want. You juss ask.
Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which
he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows, and he waits patiently and eagerly for her
request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard
about from other girls ... Nummaa 69".

More thoughtful silence, but this time from him. Eventually, in a
puzzled tone he asks her...

"You want ... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?
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Old 09-17-2011, 11:13 PM   #160
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A man walks into a bar and sits down. He reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out a perfectly formed little man and sets him down on the bar. He turns to the bartender and says,

I wanna order a beer, and a thimble of beer for my friend here.

The bartender can hardly contain his disbelief, and says,

Damn, is he for real?

the man says, of course he's for real.

The bartender amazed says, can he talk?

The man says, of course he can talk.

Still amazed but skeptical the bartender says, let hear him talk.

The man looks down at his little friend and says,

Hey Max, tell 'em about the time we were in Africa, and you called that witch doctor a black son of a bitch.
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Old 09-17-2011, 11:44 PM   #161
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Buddy Hackett
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Old 09-18-2011, 12:17 AM   #162
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The town drunk, having imbibed way too many corn squeezins’, crashed through the door of the bar and onto the street. Leaning hard against the pull of his pickled equilibrium he staggered off into the night in search of home.

Thinking he had reached his own gate he surged through the opening in the fence and stumbled into the town cemetery; half blind and trying hard to halt his forward progress the hapless fool tripped over a mound of dirt and tumbled headlong into the dark abyss of a freshly dug grave.

Despite the bone jarring fall and laying flat on his back in the wet muck at the bottom, he managed to come to his senses enough to mournfully cry out, “Help me please, help me I’m cold”, “heeeelp meeeee I’mmm coooold.”

A few minutes later another drunk, not quite as diminished as the first, stumbled out of the bar and took off up the street for home. He hadn’t traveled more than a couple of blocks when he heard a sorrowful distant cry pleading, “Heeeeelp meeeee I’mmmm cooooold”, “heeeeelp meeeee I’mmmmm coooooold”. Both frightened and curious he tried to home in on the distant cry and soon found himself at the gate of the town cemetery. Sure enough, the cry was coming out of the spooky darkness beyond.

Gathering his waning courage and hair standing on end he picked his way through the hundreds of tombstones and monuments; listening intently he finally edged his way up to the edge of the open grave and peered into the dark to see a mud covered body at the bottom of the hole looking up and crying, “heeeeelp meeeee, heeeelp meeeee I’mmmm Cooooold.”

Looking down with an exaggerated sympathy that only six hours of elbow bending can bring our drunk blurted, “Awwwww, no wonder you cold, you done kicked all your dirt off of you.”
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Old 09-18-2011, 12:22 AM   #163
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A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
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Old 09-18-2011, 12:24 AM   #164
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Q: What does a true Sadist say when a masochist pleads "hurt me, hurt me"?
A: "No"
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Old 09-18-2011, 12:40 AM   #165
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Q. Why did the gay guy think his lover was cheating on him?
A. He came home shit faced.

Q. What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?
A. The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm...
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Old 09-18-2011, 12:51 AM   #166
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Q: What's the difference between a fag and a fridge?
A: the fridge doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.

(Repeated verbatum by the gay friend who told me the joke)
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Old 09-18-2011, 12:51 AM   #167
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Old 09-18-2011, 06:11 PM   #168
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The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her husband. They were discussing government cost cuts that they recently heard about in the paper.


“Steve,” his wife said, while reading the newspaper, “it looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They are going to eliminate six overaged destroyers.”

To which the husband replies, “Sorry to hear that, dear. I’m sure you’ll miss your mother being gone.”
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Old 09-18-2011, 06:23 PM   #169
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I just came up with this one...

Q: What do Atheists scream when they orgasm?
A: "Nothing! Nothing!"

Alright, it sucks, but I thought it was funny.

I make myself laugh.

Is that so wrong?
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Old 09-19-2011, 07:18 AM   #170
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What Do Most People Do on a Date?
“On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.” -Martin, ten years old
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Old 09-19-2011, 08:24 AM   #171
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A dumb actor is struggling to land a part in a play. He keeps bugging the director

Finally, a director reluctantly offers the actor a very small part in a major play.

The director says to the actor,"I don't see how you can screw this up. The only line you have is, "HARK! I hear the cannons roar!"

So, during rehearsals, every time the director shouts, "BOOM! BOOM!" , the actor then leaps onto the stage and replies, "HARK! I hear the cannons roar!"

The night the play debuts, a real cannon is brought onto the stage.

The cannon fuse is lighted. Then there is a loud "KA-BOOM!'

The actor leaps onto the stage and screams, "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?"
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Old 09-19-2011, 08:31 AM   #172
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Talking

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.
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Old 09-19-2011, 10:45 AM   #173
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ah HA HA ! five good leads...

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Old 09-20-2011, 08:18 AM   #174
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There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn’t find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, “Great, so now you’re cheating on me with a bald woman!”


The next night, when she didn’t smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, “She’s not only bald, but she’s too cheap to buy any perfume!”
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Old 10-13-2011, 07:25 AM   #175
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ZZZZ A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife
asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side
of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can
we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
He says, "O.K., get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"
He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."
But what about the smell?"
"Just hold its little nose."
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with
died at the scene.
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