Old 04-13-2013, 03:07 AM   #1426
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A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City .
The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab .
The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady – I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."
The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs, sweetie, what are you doing then?"
He paused a moment, then told her... "Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, 'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?
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Old 04-13-2013, 03:10 AM   #1427
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THE TOILET SEAT

My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out. After finishing, I left to take
care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.
We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.
Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this. ).
Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......
I just never saw one mounted and framed."
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Old 04-13-2013, 03:11 AM   #1428
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Just wanted to let you know - today I received my 2013 Social Security Stimulus Package.

It contained two tomato seeds, cornbread mix, a prayer rug, a machine to blow smoke up my butt, 2 discount coupons to KFC, an "Obama Hope & Change" bumper sticker, and a "Blame it on Bush" poster for the front yard.

The directions were in Spanish.

Watch for yours soon.
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Old 04-13-2013, 03:16 AM   #1429
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A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Before the procedure a very attractive nurse comes in and takes his vitals, then tells him to
take all of his clothes off.

When he is fully undressed she instructs him to lie down on the table. The man obeys. The nurse then takes all of her clothes off and
climbs on top and has her way with him.

Upon the completion of the act the man catches his breath and asks what that was all about. The nurse informs the patient that studies have shown that before a vasectomy if the man has an ejaculation, he will be more relaxed and that the cord is easier for the surgeon to locate and sever, thereby making the surgery safer, more efficient and quicker.

The nurse then wheels the patient to the operating room.

While they are going down the hall the patient looks through a window to the right and sees six men in a room masturbating.

Curious, the man asks," What are they doing in there"?

The nurse responds, " They're preparing for vasectomies too, but you have Blue Cross, and they have Obama Care."
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Old 04-13-2013, 03:26 AM   #1430
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I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As you well know, over the years some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the occasional social events we attended.
A couple of nights ago I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few to many beers and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well that I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before ... I took a bus home.
Sure enough I passed a police road block, but as it was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise as I have never driven a bus before and I'm not exactly sure where I got it.
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Old 04-13-2013, 03:31 AM   #1431
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California Love Story

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex ... She spent the next
hour just rubbing his testicles ...
Something she just loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
"Why do you love doing that?"

Because ... She Replied ....
"I Really Miss Mine"

I told you it was a California Love Story!
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Old 04-13-2013, 03:44 AM   #1432
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Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence.

The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date was from 2008, SO...., it was determined to be Bush's fault.
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Old 04-13-2013, 04:04 AM   #1433
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A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Republican.

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an Obama-Democrat."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are -- or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."

P R I C E L E S S !
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Old 04-13-2013, 04:08 AM   #1434
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$ $ $ $ $ TWENTY DOLLARS $ $ $ $ $

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new husband and asked
For $20.00 for their first lovemaking
Encounter. In his highly aroused state,
Her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the

bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied and these were the
Results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out,
'If I'd had any idea what you were doing,
I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut
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Old 04-13-2013, 04:15 AM   #1435
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A very attractive blonde from Dublin, Ireland arrived at the casino.
She seemed a little intoxicated
and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with
an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and
squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks
Not all blondes are dumb

But all men are........men
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Old 04-13-2013, 07:10 AM   #1436
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COLD IS A RELATIVE THING


65 degrees above zero:
Floridians turn on the heat.
People in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan plant gardens.


60 degrees above zero:
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in the UP sunbathe.


50 degrees above zero:
Italian and English cars won't start.
People in the UP drive with the windows down.


40 degrees above zero:
Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, and wool hats.
People in the UP throw on a flannel shirt.


35 degrees above zero:
New York city landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in the UP have the last cookout before it gets cold.


20 degrees above zero:
People in Miami all die.
People in the UP close the windows.


Zero degrees:
Californians fly away to Mexico .
People in the UP get out their winter coats.


10 degrees below zero:
Hollywood disintegrates.
The Girl Scouts in the UP are selling cookies door to door.



20 degrees below zero:
Washington, DC runs out of hot air.
People in the UP let the dogs sleep indoors.


30 degrees below zero:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
People in the UP get upset because they can't start the snowmobile.


40 degrees below zero:
ALL atomic motion stops.
People in the UP start saying...'cold enough fer ya?'


50 degrees below zero:
Hell freezes over.
UP public schools will open 2 hours late.
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Old 04-14-2013, 06:46 AM   #1437
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A recent article in the Cincinnati Enquirer reported that a woman, one Myra Yablonski, has sued Bethesda North Hospital , saying that after her husband was treated there recently, he had lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied, Mr Yablonski was actually admitted in Ophthalmology - all we did was correct his eyesight...
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Old 04-15-2013, 07:00 AM   #1438
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Old 04-16-2013, 06:05 AM   #1439
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A vacationing Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following day, he walked in with another 2000 yen, and was handed $66 this time. Feeling like he had been ripped off, he went and found a policeman and told him what had happened. The police officer sympathized with him and accompanied him back to the currency exchange. They both went up to the same teller and the Asian man proceeded to ask why he got less money today than he did yesterday. The teller said, "Fluctuations." The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Well, Fluck you Americans, too!"
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Old 04-17-2013, 06:24 AM   #1440
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I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.

My next crap could spell disaster.
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Old 04-18-2013, 05:13 AM   #1441
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Old 04-19-2013, 05:18 AM   #1442
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After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a Colonoscopy in Cleveland , I decided to have my next one carried out while visiting friends in San Francisco , where the beautiful nurses are allegedly much more gentle and accommodating.

As I lay naked on my side on the table, the nurse began the procedure.

"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection." the nurse told me.

"I haven't got an erection," I replied.

"No, but I do," replied the nurse.


Moral: Don't ever have a Colonoscopy in San Francisco .
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Old 04-20-2013, 04:37 AM   #1443
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First day on the job…
A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.
That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."
The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically ), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says $101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.........'
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Old 04-20-2013, 04:44 AM   #1444
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The Aristocrats
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Old 04-20-2013, 05:46 AM   #1445
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Old 04-20-2013, 05:47 AM   #1446
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I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!
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Old 04-21-2013, 06:51 AM   #1447
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DOORMATS WITH A DIFFERENCE









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Old 04-21-2013, 08:31 AM   #1448
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Old 04-22-2013, 04:52 AM   #1449
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Old 04-22-2013, 04:54 AM   #1450
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"If you've seen a better picture than this
picture of a dog dressed as two dogs
carrying a present, I don't believe you."

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