Old 03-21-2013, 11:05 PM   #1351
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This is Mrs Goofygus and i have my too favorite jokes.

For Halloween. Why do witches never wear panties? To get a better grip on the broom.
And for you nice perverts, no I do not ever wear panties.
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Old 03-21-2013, 11:07 PM   #1352
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Next one.

For Christmas. What does Santa say when he sees 3 blondes under the Christmas tree?

HO HO HO.
I am a blonde unless you get to know me better, you will know I am really a redhead.
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Old 03-22-2013, 03:02 AM   #1353
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~A Cup of Tea ~

One day my Gramma was out, and my Grampa was in charge of me. I was maybe
2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it
was one of my favorite toys.
Grampa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought
him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea
and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Gramma came home.

My Grampa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of
tea, because (as he put it) it was 'just the cutest thing!'

Gramma waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea
for Grampa, and she watched him drink it up. Then she said, (as only a
Gramma would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can
reach to get water, is the toilet?"*
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Old 03-22-2013, 03:03 AM   #1354
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A mother was driving the family station wagon behind a garbage truck when a large dildo flies out of the back of the truck and hits her windshield dead-on, sticking to it.
To hide her embarrassment the mother turns and says to her young kids, "My, what a big insect!"

To which her 8 year old says, "I'm surprised it could fly at all with a dick that big."
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Old 03-22-2013, 03:04 AM   #1355
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My missus packed my bags and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
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Old 03-23-2013, 07:06 AM   #1356
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The Great Flydini

This was done once on the Johnny Carson Show. Good thing he taped it because it was never done again.

Give it a watch and a laugh.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?featur...&v=s9xKU8eYCFk
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Old 03-23-2013, 07:07 AM   #1357
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Old 03-23-2013, 07:08 AM   #1358
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Old 03-24-2013, 06:54 AM   #1359
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This is very interesting.

We hang petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
~Aesop, Greek slave & fable author

Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed
by those who are dumber.
~Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher


Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where
there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev, Russian Soviet politician


When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm
beginning to believe it.
~Quoted in 'Clarence Darrow for the Defense' by Irving Stone.


Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go
out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton, American actor/writer


Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds
from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer, "the Mark Twain of American Socialism."


I offered my opponents a deal: "if they stop telling lies about me, I will
stop telling the truth about them".
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952..



A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~Texas Guinan. 19th century American businessman


I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be
left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle, French general & politician



Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to
change the locks.
~Doug Larson (English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924
Olympic Games in Paris, 1902-1981)



I am reminded of a joke: What happens if a politician drowns in a river? That is pollution.
What happens if all of them drown? That is solution!!!

(I don't know who said this, lol)
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Old 03-24-2013, 06:57 AM   #1360
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Well, well, well...

...what have we here? Perhaps another two-faced Lib with political aspirations - or a coward unable to stand on his own two feet and be who he really is? Oh, damn, that’s redundant isn’t it?
Yep, fits the mold of, “I know what’s best for you (even though I exempt myself)”.

Click here: Hypocrite: Gabby Giffords Husband Snuck Out to Buy an AR-15, While His Wife Works To Ban Your Guns

http://www.mrconservative.com/2013/0...she-bans-guns/
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Old 03-25-2013, 09:18 AM   #1361
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Periodically Test your Mouse!!!

This is truly AMAZING!

MOUSE TESTER

It's always good to know if your mouse is working correctly.
I tested mine several times and am very happy with its performance.

Try this simple test to see if your mouse is working!

http://www.randyhanshaw.com/Humor/HTML/Flashers.htm
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Old 03-25-2013, 09:19 AM   #1362
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Knowing that you like to keep abreast of the news…

Calvin Rickson, an engineer from Texas A&M University, has designed a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and stops nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.




After a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took Mr. Rickson outside and kicked the crap out of him.
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Old 03-25-2013, 09:20 AM   #1363
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There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and they're at death's door (which is just outside Guadalajara). As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree, off in the distance.
As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.
"Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke (Don Pedro). "ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"
"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"
With his dying breath Pepe calls out.... "Ugh, run,amigo, run!! ees not a Bacon Tree"
.
.
.
."ees... a....
Ham bush"
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Old 03-26-2013, 09:38 AM   #1364
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Subject: Detroit



Police in Detroit last night announced the discovery of an arms cache
of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 2 tons
of heroin, 5 million in forged US banknotes and 15 trafficked Latino
prostitutes - all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library
on Woodward Ave .

Local residents were stunned, and a community spokesman said; "We're
all shocked, we never knew we had a library."
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Old 03-26-2013, 09:39 AM   #1365
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An oldie



The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes The Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabi, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute, then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabi,
you dumb ass. It tell me someone stolen tent."
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Old 03-26-2013, 09:46 AM   #1366
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The women's tee

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature...&v=qUj_qqVxVrE
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Old 03-27-2013, 06:15 AM   #1367
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I just got a new job at the
Barber Shop for Women in Finland

I cannot understand a word, but
I think that this is a new treatment for removing hair.....I start my training next week.


http://mibrujula.com/depilacion-lase...inlandia-nsfw/
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Old 03-27-2013, 06:15 AM   #1368
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Three Holy Men and a Bear

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.



They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.



One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion. Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.



Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.



'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.



Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'



Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.



In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.



So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus... Hallelujah!



The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.



The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, ....circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
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Old 03-27-2013, 06:18 AM   #1369
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A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!

"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his mobile, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.

"I'm dying here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."
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Old 03-28-2013, 07:21 AM   #1370
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Someone once asked me, what is your job?"

I replied, "I am my wife's sexual advisor."

Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

"Very simple. The wife has told me that when she wants my fucking advice, she'll ask me for it. "
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Old 03-28-2013, 07:21 AM   #1371
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The Colbert Report:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature...&v=vhnLk3TJWFY
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Old 03-28-2013, 07:22 AM   #1372
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Good for a laugh......

52 seconds. It's worth it.

http://www.mrctv.org/embed/119755
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Old 03-29-2013, 05:03 AM   #1373
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In 1923, Who Was:

1. President of the largest steel company?
2.. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?

6. The Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days..
Now, 90 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them..
The Answers:

1. The president of the largest steel company.
Charles Schwab,
died a pauper.


2. The president of the largest gas company,
Edward Hopson,
went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE,
Richard Whitney,
was released from prison to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator,
Arthur Cooger,
died abroad, penniless.

5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement,
shot himself.

6 The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore,
also committed suicide


However!!! in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the
winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was
Gene Sarazen.

What became of him?

He played golf until he was 92,
died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure
at the time of his death.

The Moral:

Screw work.
Play golf.
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Old 03-29-2013, 05:04 AM   #1374
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The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair ... Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks,' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'
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Old 03-29-2013, 05:10 AM   #1375
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I was talking with a guy the other day who had this indentation across the bridge of his nose. I asked him how he got it and he replied "Glasses." I said "Have you ever considered contact lenses?" To which he replied "Nah, they don't hold enough beer."
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