Tell a Joke

[oggbashan]

21/30 isn't bad for a Brit.

[BusyAfternoon]

[BusyAfternoon]

I know all of you are very good drivers, so here is a fun test to see how good your reflexes are.
The automobile driving manual says the average driver's reaction time is .75 seconds or 1 car length for every 10 mph.

Test your average reaction time. You may be surprised at how slow you really are.

JUST CLICK ON THE DART WHEN THE SHEEP STARTS TO RUN ..... THERE ARE 5 SHEEP.
Caution: there is a penalty for jumping the gun.
Click here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbo...n_version5.swf

[BusyAfternoon]

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two ' working girls ' and take them to their separate hotel rooms for an hour of pleasure.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of, "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE .... UGH! " " Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!" "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!" This goes on for the whole hour.

Later back at the bar, the second dwarf asks the first, " How did it go? "

The first mutters, "It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection. "

The second dwarf shook his head. " You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bed"!

[SeaDaddy1]

This skeleton walks into a bar. He orders a beer and a mop........

[BusyAfternoon]

What deep thinkers men are...



I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the Balls?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the Balls.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the Balls is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the Balls."

I rest my case. Time for another beer.

[BusyAfternoon]

Physics tells us that the period of a pendulum is proportional to the square root of the length of the line suspending the weight - i.e., the longer the pendulum, the slower it swings.

Harvard students built a device with a series of 15 pendulums in a row, each one slightly longer than its neighbor, then set them in motion and filmed the result, which is interesting to watch:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yVkdf...layer_embedded

What it shows: Fifteen uncoupled simple pendulums of monotonically increasing lengths dance together to produce visual traveling waves, standing waves, beating, and random motion. One might call this kinetic art and the choreography of the dance of the pendulums is stunning! Aliasing and quantum revival can also be shown.

How it works: The period of one complete cycle of the dance is 60 seconds. The length of the longest pendulum has been adjusted so that it executes 51 oscillations in this 60 second period. The length of each successive shorter pendulum is carefully adjusted so that it executes one additional oscillation in this period. Thus, the 15th pendulum (shortest) undergoes 65 oscillations. When all 15 pendulums are started together, they quickly fall out of sync—their relative phases continuously change because of their different periods of oscillation. However, after 60 seconds they will all have executed an integral number of oscillations and be back in sync again at that instant, ready to repeat the dance.

Setting it up: The pendulum waves are best viewed from above or down the length of the apparatus. Video projection is a must for a large lecture hall audience. You can play the video below to see the apparatus in action. One instance of interest to note is at 30 seconds (halfway through the cycle), when half of the pendulums are at one amplitude maximum and the other half are at the opposite amplitude maximum.

In other words...pretty cool, huh.

[BusyAfternoon]

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Years
Riots....Your One Year Manufacturers Warranty Runs Out Soon.

[CandiCame]

Two polar bears are taking a bath. One looks to the other and asks, "Pass the soap?"

To which the first bear replies, "No soap, radio!"

[BusyAfternoon]

"ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"...


.....and with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai
brothel!!!

[BusyAfternoon]

IDIOT SIGHTING


I handed the teller at my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
I said "May I have large bills, please"
She looked at me and said "I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size."
When I got up off the floor I explained it to her....


IDIOT SIGHTING

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already got that side.'
Ford dealership in Canton,MS



IDIOT SIGHTING

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, 'NO, it's not..' Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used Sears repair since.


IDIOT SIGHTING

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill.
Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter.
She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes, I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.
She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request.
I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.'
The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.



IDIOT SIGHTING

I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office
to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here!
I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
From Kingman , KS



IDIOT SIGHTING

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco.
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceburg lettuce.
From Kansas City



IDIOT SIGHTING

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Airport Screener, Birmingham , Ala.


IDIOT SIGHTING

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
Probation officer in Wichita , KS


IDIOT SIGHTING

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.'
Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
Luncheon at Texas Instruments.


IDIOT SIGHTING

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself
and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office.


IDIOT SIGHTING

How would you pronounce this child's name?
"Le-a"
Leah?? NO
Lee - A?? NOPE
Lay - a?? NO
Lei?? Guess Again.
This child attends a school in Kansas City, Mo.
Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It's pronounced "Ledasha".
When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

[BusyAfternoon]

Check out Michael Davis Ford's Theater part 2

Funny...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature...&v=n6mbW-jMtrY

[BusyAfternoon]

Looks like fun!

http://player.vimeo.com/video/56534375

[beachbum1958]

Dad’s Rules: Dating my daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."
Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you whimper.
Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her make-up, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dim witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[beachbum1958]

English Hospitality



An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and
explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and
occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture,
chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood.....
big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and
worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses.

He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the
adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a policeman,
who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really
HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me".

He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate,
which he opens.

"In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."


The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he
has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted
hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly
relieved.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby,"That was
really decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"

"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French
Embassy."

[beachbum1958]

Tolerance


I am perplexed that so many people are against a mosque being built
near Ground Zero. I think it should be the goal of every American to be
tolerant. The mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote
tolerance.

I also propose that two gay nightclubs be opened next door to the
mosque thereby promoting tolerance within the mosque. We could call the
clubs "The Turban Cowboy" and "You Mecca Me So Hot".

Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork and have
an open barbecue with spare ribs as its daily special. Across the
street a very daring lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing
Secret” with sexy mannequins in the window modelling the goods.

Next door to the lingerie shop, there would be room for an Adult Toy
Shop (Koranal Knowledge?), its name in flashing neon lights..... and on
the other side a liquor store, maybe call it "Morehammered"?

If you agree in promoting tolerance and you think this is a good plan,
pass it on.....

[beachbum1958]

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who, this morning, called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to
enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in
meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'.

'Wow!' I was flabbergasted. 'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I said, 'I'm a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'

She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'.

'Yeah,' I said, 'Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!'

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'

So I told her to fuck off.

[beachbum1958]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.

[beachbum1958]

When I was your age, Weetabix came in eight different shapes.

Kangaroos are actually mice that are REALLY close up.

It's very unlucky NOT to name every ant you see.

Before they can fight, Superheroes have to pick out all the noises their punches and kicks will make.

A large slice of ham, when slotted into a DVD, will play a short film about pigs.

One in ten fish are afraid of water.

Your daddy didn't go bald naturally. He just likes having his hair cut that way.

Mice collect your dandruff while you are sleeping. They then eat it for breakfast, like cornflakes.

Every square has a fifth side, but you won't see it unless you stare very, very hard for a long time.

If you scatter drawing pins next to an ants nest and wait 'til it rains, they'll turn them upside down and use them as umbrellas.

Once upon a time, a tooth fairy went to get one of Dracula's fangs, but Dracula's castle was really dark and she ended up cutting herself on the fang by mistake, and ever since then she's been a blood sucking vampire tooth fairy killing machine, and lived happily ever after...., goodnight.

If you want to wake up Daddy, hit him right on the zipper.

If you bathe the dog in fabric softener, he comes out all fluffy

Cat poos contain rare trace elements that can be used in medicine. This makes them very valuable. Collect them with tongs and when you've got fifty, take them to your Doctor who will pay you £10.

There are little fairies in traffic light poles who switch the lights from red to green. Never make the fairy angry, or she won't turn the light for you. Give her your biggest, brightest smile and don't forget to say "thank you" when you get to the other side of the street.

If you spin round really fast and then stop, your face will skid round to the back of your head.

Santa is the world's largest supplier of venison.

The Victorians completely forgot to have the year 1862.
The error went unnoticed for over twenty years, when they finally put matters right by slotting it in between 1885 and 1886.

If you hold your fart long enough, then sit on a wooden chair, and then fart, you could split it down the middle.
Your uncle did that many times. People would bet him money for it.
That is how he got rich.

The origin of the word "Limey", originates from the name of a ship's Captain, an Englishman named Corb Limey, who discovered America in 1322, but forgot to enter it into the ship's log.

Before you were born, the world didn't have any colour, we only had black and white (Which explains all those old black and white photographs.)

Sweetie, Daddy brought some Keepmehere from a store, run and find him and tell him to give you some.

I know when you break something. I have mommy eyes in the back of my head. I see everything.

Eggs talk to each other after you shut the fridge door

Don’t point. It puts holes in the air. If you swallow the holes you’ll get hiccups.

Say gullible backwards and it sounds like orange

Every time Daddy farts a puppy dies

The dog was raised by wolves and when the moon is full he turns into one

Fruit feels pain

Banging on pots and pans while Grandad is trying to nap is a good way to get him to tell you a story.

Cats eat broccoli and then poo it out as sprouts

French people eat croissants and poo baguettes

All monkeys can speak Spanish; they learn it Iceland, where they live on wild pineapples

When you fall asleep, next door’s cat comes into your room and spits in your mouth

Kitty Litter tastes like Rice Krispies

Yellow snow is the best kind to play with

If you feed the dog lasagne he will bark in Italian

[beachbum1958]

ROYAL AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT

I, Crabby, swear to sign away four years of my useless life to the Royal Air Force because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army and because the Marines frighten me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by others more dedicated than me who take their job seriously. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bleep test as a valid form of exercise.

I swear to uphold and defend the Crown, even though I believe myself to be above that. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I know I'm not really in the military and I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than all those round me and will at all times be sure to make them aware of that fact.

After completion of my (he he) "basic training," I will be a lean, mean, doughnut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Sick Bay Ranger. I will believe that I am superior to all others, and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back with it. I will do no work unless someone is watching me (and it makes me look good), will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day.

I consent to never getting promoted -- EVER -- and understand that all those whom I made fun of yesterday probably will outrank me tomorrow.

So help me God.

Signature: ___________________ Date: _________________


BRITISH ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT

I, Pongo, swear to sign away four years of my mediocre life to the British Army because I couldn't score high enough on the entrance test to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Royal Marines, and the Royal Navy won't take me because I can't swim or read.

I will wear CS95 fatigues every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use Twisters. I will promise to tell myself every day that I am a fierce killing machine because the Sergeant-Major told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I ever will see is a court martial for sexual harassment.

I acknowledge the fact that I will make L/Cpl in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my sexual -- er -- I mean, BASIC training, I will attend a different Army school once every other month and return from each knowing less than I did when I left.

On my first leave after basic, I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my school-days girlfriend. I will make my wife stay home, because if I let her out she might leave me for a smarter, better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back.

While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive at work every day at 1000 hours because of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 hours to report back to the "section." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job in civvy street, and will end up working in security at Walmart with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me £1500 for education, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam.

So help me God.

Signature:__________________ Date:_______________


ROYAL NAVY OATH OF ALLEGIANCE

I, Popeye, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away four years of my life to the Royal Navy because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too gay and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...Why not?"

I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stencilled on the arse of every item of clothing I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for Mr Bean during the summer, and for a recruit from the Waffen SS during the winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, lid, and heads," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, ranks and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever.

I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 hours every morning unless I am best friends with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hours.

I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon and still not spill a drop..

I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice each fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found "colleagues."

So help me Neptune.

Signature:__________________ Date:_______________


ROYAL MARINES OATH OF ENLISTMENT

I, ________________ (state name here; not boot size), swear... uhhhh... hard-and-fast... grunt... wimmin... ugh... chunky watch... ugh... tits... HOORAH!

So help me Corps.

Thumb Print:___________________ Date:______________

[BusyAfternoon]

A Blonde Phone Call to Mom :


Hi Mom, it's me.
"Hi Sally, are you okay?
I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware store, looking for a drill."
"Yeah, I was, but I got arrested and they've let me make one phone call, and that's why I'm calling you."
"Oh my god, what happened?"
"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the face."
"What on earth . . . Why did you do that?"
"Well, it really wasn't my fault.
Dad told me to find a Black and Decker.
Mom, I knocked the shit out of her!"

[BusyAfternoon]

Teacher asks the kids in class: "What do you want to be when you grow
up?

"Little Johnny: "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive
clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a
million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris , a jet
to travel through Europe , an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to
her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior
of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then
continues the lesson.

And you, Susie?

" I wanna be Johnny's bitch!":

[BusyAfternoon]

2 indian junkies accidently snorted curry powder instead of cocaine .
both in hospital...one's in a korma.. the other's got a dodgy tikka!

[chatman2]

Loved this page........grandpa here. I almost think beachbums posting yesterday could've read my mind if I were posting rules....LOL

[Colonel Hogan]

Originally Posted by BusyAfternoon

Check out Michael Davis Ford's Theater part 2

Funny...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature...&v=n6mbW-jMtrY

The schtick with Baker was priceless!