Tell a Joke

[sillynsexi]

We all know that the Knight in Shining Armor can turn out to be a retard in tinfoil, but have you ever stopped to consider that the damsel in distress is a genuine psycho who was locked in the tower for a very good reason?

[in_oral_office]

Originally Posted by tminu

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,

well said babe , you can give me a life sentence

[in_oral_office]

While creating Husbands, God promised Women that good and ideal Husbands would be found in all corners of the world....


And then God made the earth round.
Women are still looking for corners

[in_oral_office]

Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage.

So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

"Oh wow! I see," Ed replied. He looked down at the table, was quiet for a moment. Deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.

[kaynip]

Went out in fancy dress last night dressed as loafs of bread. Fucking birds were all over us!!

[in_oral_office]

A man with a winking problem is applying for a
position as a sales representative for a large firm.
The interviewer looks over his papers and says,
"This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best
schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your
experience is unparalleled.
"Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought.
However, a sales representative has a highly
visible position, and we're afraid that your constant
winking will scare off potential customers. I'm
sorry....we can't hire you."

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin,
I'll stop winking!"

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket
and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red
condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms;
finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin.
He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.

"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well
and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will
not have our employees womanizing all over, the country!"

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily
married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked
into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

[tminu]

A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger tits'. The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months'. 'How will that help to make my tits bigger?' asks the girlfriend.
'Well it worked for your ass' says the boyfriend.

[in_oral_office]

Originally Posted by tminu

A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger tits'. The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months'. 'How will that help to make my tits bigger?' asks the girlfriend.
'Well it worked for your ass' says the boyfriend.

great

[in_oral_office]

I have noticed that many who send text messages & e-mails, have forgotten the "art" of capitalization.

Please be aware that capitalization is what allows us to differentiate, between your meaning when you say you had to help your Uncle Jack off a horse and your helping your uncle jack off a horse.

[WetBiMoose]

A woman is about to get married and has absolutely no sexual experience whatsoever. She has seen her fiancee naked but is too embarassed to ask him any questions so she goe to her doctor and asks him.
"Doctor what is the thing between his legs?" she asks
"that would be his penis" he replies.
"And the reddish purple thing at the end of it?"she says blushing,
"That would be the glans or head" the doctor says calmly.
"And what are the things fourteen inches behind the head?" she says curiously,
to which the doctor replies, "I don't know about your boyfriend but on me those would be my asscheeks!"

[zumpkin]

A bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods.
The bear asks the rabbit, "Hey, you got a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"
Rabbit responds, "Nope."
So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with the rabbit.

[zumpkin]

A balck man was in the junk yard looking for treasure when he found an old beat up lamp. He rubbed the lamp and out popped a genie.
"I am your jewish genie...I'll only grant you one wish."
So the man thought, and then it came to him, "I want to be white uptight and outta sight!"
POOF the man was turned into a tampon.












Now the moral of the story: Never trust a jewish genie, because there is always a string attached.

[in_oral_office]

This has to be read, laughed at and passed on. There is not a woman alive today who won't crack up over this!
As stated by a woman :-

I was due for a smear with the doctor later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am . I had only just packed
everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am . The
trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas, wet the facecloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the facecloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, 'My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?'

I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal - some shopping, cleaning, & cooking.

After school when my 7 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, 'Mummy, where's my facecloth?'

I told her to get another one from the cupboard...

She replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter saved inside it.'

NEVER going back to that doctor ever!!

[DonQuixoteindfw]

Originally Posted by in_oral_office

This has to be read, laughed at and passed on. There is not a woman alive today who won't crack up over this!
As stated by a woman :-

I was due for a smear with the doctor later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am . I had only just packed
everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am . The
trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas, wet the facecloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the facecloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, 'My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?'

I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal - some shopping, cleaning, & cooking.

After school when my 7 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, 'Mummy, where's my facecloth?'

I told her to get another one from the cupboard...

She replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter saved inside it.'

NEVER going back to that doctor ever!!

LMAO!!!

[kinkymale69]

Crap joke anyway...LOL

[goodfella1114]

An old man comes home from an afternoon in the park with his retired friends. His wife jumps into the room naked with a towel tied around her neck like a cape. She yells, "Super Pussy!!!!" The old man responds, "I'll take the soup."

[DoubleEdged]

I've always had a desire to learn to juggle, but never had the balls for it.

[Aquagal]

Great ones, keep them coming!

[in_oral_office]

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known,
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter,
When deciding how best to be blown.

[tweetygal]

You remember how great the sex is when you first marry? You have sex everywhere in the house - everywhere and often.

A few years pass and it becomes just having sex either in the bedroom or in the living room.

Another few years it becomes sex only in the bedroom once a week with the lights off.

And in the later years you have what they call hallway sex - where you pass each other in the hallway and mutter a "fuck you" and go about your way.

[in_oral_office]

Originally Posted by tweetygal

You remember how great the sex is when you first marry? You have sex everywhere in the house - everywhere and often.

A few years pass and it becomes just having sex either in the bedroom or in the living room.

Another few years it becomes sex only in the bedroom once a week with the lights off.

And in the later years you have what they call hallway sex - where you pass each other in the hallway and mutter a "fuck you" and go about your way.

great i thought at this age doggy means come sniff and go away

[in_oral_office]

another one

Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky.

[tocurpussy]

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photoof another man on the night stand by the bed. He begins to worry a little and asked her is that your husband? No silly she reply's snuggling up to him. Your boyfriend then he ask's? no not at all as she starts to nipple on his ear. Well is it your dad or your brother? he ask's trying to be reassured. No none of those, she answered. Your so hot when your jelous lke that. Well just who the hell is he then? She whisper's in his ear, as she start's licking it, silly man, that 's me before the surgery

[in_oral_office]

overheard

one boob telling another

"How lousy is our life ;

we remain hanging or bound the whole day;

when in the evening,there is some action down below ,

they grab us".

[canorris420]

Going by stereotypes...Italian Mafioso and backwoods hillbillies, both like to "keep it in the family"...worrying link there, methinks.

So I'm a huge gamer, yet no matter how hard I search, I've yet to find an FAQ on life.

Not so much jokes...but I can keep going if anyone wants more