Old 01-15-2015, 01:10 PM   #1
dazed_11
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No more toys :/

So...as inexperienced as I am compared to others here, I'm usually a lurker until I have a question or need advice. So here I am

Not going into pointless detail, my sex therapist (that's therapist I talk to about sex, not actually have sex with ) is urging me to get rid of all vibrating toys and focus on the sheer joy and, pleasure my own hands are capable of. Something about being over stimulated...

Anyway, I have a terrible time relaxing and cuming WITH my assortment of goodies, much less without. Any...advice? Or is this a 'every girl is different, can't help' situation? I also get flustered and quit if it's not happening at the speed I think it should...can I ask how much timec you'd give it before giving up for the evening?

So...thoughts? I hate speaking up, I hope this isn't a total waste Thankfully this no toy thing isn't forever, I can use them again when I can fulfill the"homework" I've been given and she thinks my body is ready again or whatever...
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Last edited by dazed_11 : 01-15-2015 at 01:12 PM.
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Old 01-15-2015, 01:44 PM   #2
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dazed_11 View Post
So...as inexperienced as I am compared to others here, I'm usually a lurker until I have a question or need advice. So here I am

Not going into pointless detail, my sex therapist (that's therapist I talk to about sex, not actually have sex with ) is urging me to get rid of all vibrating toys and focus on the sheer joy and, pleasure my own hands are capable of. Something about being over stimulated...

Anyway, I have a terrible time relaxing and cuming WITH my assortment of goodies, much less without. Any...advice? Or is this a 'every girl is different, can't help' situation? I also get flustered and quit if it's not happening at the speed I think it should...can I ask how much timec you'd give it before giving up for the evening?

So...thoughts? I hate speaking up, I hope this isn't a total waste Thankfully this no toy thing isn't forever, I can use them again when I can fulfill the"homework" I've been given and she thinks my body is ready again or whatever...
Several questions. Do you have a partner? Yes have the partner bring you off w/o toys. If not then use your fingers maybe with a little lube and start slowly. Work from the outside in. Save your clit for last.
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Old 01-15-2015, 02:07 PM   #3
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Old 01-15-2015, 02:41 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dazed_11 View Post

Anyway, I have a terrible time relaxing and cuming WITH my assortment of goodies, much less without. Any...advice? Or is this a 'every girl is different, can't help' situation? I also get flustered and quit if it's not happening at the speed I think it should...can I ask how much timec you'd give it before giving up for the evening?
Hi dazed,

The above bit stood out for me.

It sounds like you expectations are a little high when it comes to masturbation without toys.

You mention time alot. you expect to be cumming in x amount of time which puts pressure on yourself and would make relaxing and enjoying yourself all the more difficult.

If you have plenty of time, maybe just go with the flow see where your fingers take you and try not to think about it in a time frame kind of way.

My wife was the same for awhile, if she put on a show for me she used to say in the back of her mind she was always thinking "he won't last much longer I must orgasm now" which would actually make it more difficult to orgasm. It was only when we talked and she found out she could go at her own pace even if it was half an hour after I had cum it did not matter.
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Old 01-15-2015, 06:34 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dazed_11 View Post
Anyway, I have a terrible time relaxing and cuming WITH my assortment of goodies, much less without. Any...advice? Or is this a 'every girl is different, can't help' situation? I also get flustered and quit if it's not happening at the speed I think it should...can I ask how much timec you'd give it before giving up for the evening?
My ex went through something similar and we found that changing things up helped quite a bit. Different location, different time, even a different position. Relax and don't set a time limit, don't have a preconceived notion of how long it 'should' take. Let your mind and fingers wander where they will and see what happens.

Hope this helps.
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Old 01-15-2015, 09:22 PM   #6
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Personally I find that if you're having difficulty orgasming, telling yourself you're not allowed to come is the easiest way to make it happen. Though you also should check you're not too hot or dehydrated or half-asleep. But really, how fast are you trying to go? It's entirely reasonable to have a masturbation session take 45 minutes to an hour. Mine pretty much never take less than half an hour.
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Old 01-15-2015, 09:53 PM   #7
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Hmmm? This would be more sustainable.....How about we let you keep your favorite toy and you donate the others to charity?

Your probably like me with on line porn. I go from site to site from fetish to fetish and I am exhausted. All things in moderation. So keep your favorite toy and ditch the rest.
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Old 01-16-2015, 03:17 AM   #8
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Wait - we need the details.

Why are you being told to toss your toys?


IF it is because you feel your sex drive is crazy and you've worked your way up in vibrator world from mini buzzer to hitachi wand and only the wand does the trick now.

Your body has become lazy. It is used to orgasming in a certain way, it has become spoiled/pampered, a little battered. It has nothing to do with your drive. So if you're feeling guilt - stop it. You're fine.

You have to ween yourself down from the wand... it takes months... to even consider using only your hand. Use other toys instead of your most powerful, use the shower head.

Orgasms are healthy. You are healthy. But we need to know more of your story to actually get to the bottom of things and help you.
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Old 01-16-2015, 02:17 PM   #9
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Shower head is a great idea.

Eh, there are a few things going on. For a while I didn't waNT to orgasm at all (too long to explain) so since I wasnt there mentally, it took a lot to get there- aka, the wand. Got addcited to how easy that was, and stopped taking the time to really enjoy, explore what the body...my body. .. likes.

So I don't know if my body is spoiled like you said or if I'm...relearning? That's what the therapist thinks. My mind has shoved away the idea of sex, and now I'm starting over. When I say it outloud, it makes it sound like I'm a 12 yr old being handed the sex book for the first time haha! I think she wants me to love the sexuality my body is capable of without forcing it with a hard core wand...

Maybe she's overreacting about the toys, and it's fine.
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Old 01-16-2015, 03:22 PM   #10
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On second thought, throw out your therapist. Keep the toys. Put the 100$/hour back in your pocket or shop for another therapist....if that is all she can come up with.

Last edited by Somehowyou : 01-16-2015 at 03:52 PM.
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Old 01-16-2015, 03:52 PM   #11
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Nevermind, I think the simple answers I'm looking for are getting crowded with the complexity of the situation. Just looking for ways to relax, not rush, and go back to the basics of touching yourself. I know, sounds silly ^.^
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Old 01-16-2015, 08:29 PM   #12
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I know it will be hard for you using no toys but hey good things come with time (: start slowly, when you have a free time get into your favorite position and relax, strip from clothes and begging by rumming a hand through your body I can assure your own fingers can be very pleasant, aprreciate your body and fantasize about what turns you on, lick your fingers squeeze your nipples fold your breast spread your folds, saliva is one great lubricant it works wonderfully on my clit and tease your self by slowly rubbing your clit hope it works! (: I can't tell you how much time you'll need to get use to it but I can say you wil!
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Old 01-16-2015, 11:56 PM   #13
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Do fantasies get in the way for you? Have you tried exercising before masturbating? Something to get the blood flowing around your body might be useful. Something else that helps me is focusing on what's going on right now, as I masturbate. Noticing each new and familiar sensation as it happens tends to heighten the sensation, and make it feel fresh again.
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Old 01-17-2015, 04:02 AM   #14
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Originally Posted by dazed_11 View Post
Nevermind, I think the simple answers I'm looking for are getting crowded with the complexity of the situation. Just looking for ways to relax, not rush, and go back to the basics of touching yourself. I know, sounds silly ^.^
Actually it makes a little more sense when you explain it that way. I just don't know why a toy is bad if you like it?

Good luck.
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Old 01-18-2015, 08:25 PM   #15
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Good luck ... I can't manage to get there without my toys so I'm watching this with interest!
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Old 01-18-2015, 11:59 PM   #16
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I don't use toys by myself, but I always read a story or watch some porn if I'm masturbating alone. I think it's been ten years since I even tried getting off solo I've notice that even some people who are comfortable talking about sex still find pornographic material distasteful, but if you're not one of those, maybe you could give is a try. There a plenty of sexy stories right here on Lit, although it can take a little time to find them.
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Old 01-19-2015, 07:02 PM   #17
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Exploration without the pressure of orgasm being the ultimate goal is probably a good idea. New positions, forms of stimulation (more/less nipple play, anal stimulation/penetration, whether you want something in you while you touch your clit etc etc etc), and find what feels good. Then work on finding out how to make it feel better. Until you know yourself well enough to get to where you want to go. Though I understand for some women it can take a fair bit of work, so, as others have said, don't pressure yourself. Take time for you. That's what it's all about anyway, isn't it? That you can then pass on instructions to a future partner is an added bonus! Good luck!
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Old 01-19-2015, 07:40 PM   #18
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I learnt to masturbate with a vibrator, and became dependent on it, and also started to get numb.
It took going to uni without the vibe to learn how to use my fingers properly (and for the numbness to pass).

I've been semi-addicted to vibrators since, and it's usually good when I run out of batteries and don't have them as an option.

So, I would try what she says. Good luck.
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Old 01-19-2015, 07:53 PM   #19
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relaxing & relearning

[quote=dazed_11;64328235]Nevermind, I think the simple answers I'm looking for are getting crowded with the complexity of the situation. Just looking for ways to relax, not rush, and go back to the basics of touching yourself. I know, sounds silly ^.^[/Q

I don't think it sounds silly. We all need to know and understand our bodies, what we like and what we don't. And understand that those things may change from time to time. I remember back in college I was in the shower one time when the power went off. So, I still had hot water, but no lights were on. The dorm showers were in the middle of the building, so there was Total Darkness. It was different. I did not realize how much I relied on my vision to know where my knees were! Etc. Try it, and good luck. Have some fun.
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Old 01-19-2015, 08:05 PM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dazed_11 View Post
So...as inexperienced as I am compared to others here, I'm usually a lurker until I have a question or need advice. So here I am

Not going into pointless detail, my sex therapist (that's therapist I talk to about sex, not actually have sex with ) is urging me to get rid of all vibrating toys and focus on the sheer joy and, pleasure my own hands are capable of. Something about being over stimulated...

Anyway, I have a terrible time relaxing and cuming WITH my assortment of goodies, much less without. Any...advice? Or is this a 'every girl is different, can't help' situation? I also get flustered and quit if it's not happening at the speed I think it should...can I ask how much timec you'd give it before giving up for the evening?

So...thoughts? I hate speaking up, I hope this isn't a total waste Thankfully this no toy thing isn't forever, I can use them again when I can fulfill the"homework" I've been given and she thinks my body is ready again or whatever...
What was the main reason for seeing your sex therapist in the first place?
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Old 01-21-2015, 11:02 AM   #21
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Nevermind, I think the simple answers I'm looking for are getting crowded with the complexity of the situation. Just looking for ways to relax, not rush, and go back to the basics of touching yourself. I know, sounds silly ^.^
It does not sound silly at all. It sounds lovely and healthy. My suggestion would to put your "me" time in your calendar.
Block out there hours of time. Set up reminders so that it is on your mind for days ahead of time. Make it a no cancel meeting.

Collect some play items for your date. Some themed erotica, a pair of leather gloves, a silk scarf, a blindfold, etc... The process of collecting these items will most likely having you craving some relief. No touching till your date.

Primp for yourself. Take a bath, do everything you would do before a big date. Because the girl you are with tonight deserves this.

Dress for your date. Dress to impress and arouse yourself. What do you feel good in. Perhaps it is some lingerie or a favorite dress. Whatever would make you want to do you?

Seduce that woman in the mirror. I bet you know just what she wants from you.

Let your fantasy lead the way from here.
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Old 01-31-2015, 06:29 PM   #22
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