My forst Story: Bad fortune of a poor father

Hey guys,

I submitted my first chapter of my first story: bad fortune of a poor father.

It's a Loving Wives story told from the son's POV with no incest.

Hope to get your replies

Link: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=500537&page=1

Oh fargas. Dear, dear fargas,

Putting aside your English as a second language problems - e.g., "He has arranged for him and his friend two bimbos to fuck" - this story is like a roadmap for what not to do as a writer.

Bewildering tense shifts

She has decided she can't take it anymore. Tonight she will claim her fornication right as a woman. But the thing is she will not ask it from her husband.

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Mug shot descriptions

Khaled's mother, Najibi, was a beautiful woman. She was 40 years old. She was about 5'6" tall with a slender figure and a set of big breasts that she could barely conceal under her clothes.

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A fairly disturbing view of the female condition

Like any female, his mother needed to get penetrated from time to time.

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Giggle-inducing sexual descriptions

The husband began the fornication process.

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Circular, repetitive description

Najibi was burning inside. She had a burning flame in her heart from rage but an even hotter flame was raging between her legs.

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Your forum post is incorrect with respect to description of your story's POV. It is not told from the son's perspective. It is told from third person. In this case, it is narrated by an omniscient third person because you describe the thoughts of several of your characters that a closer third-person narrator would not be privy to.

Your forum post was correct, however, insofar as your story does not contain incest. It was mis-classified by the Lit reviewer, understandably, because your story is pretty hard to follow and you referred to Najibi so frequently as "the mother" during sexual scenes with the unrelated Mansoor that the reviewer ended up guessing incorrectly.

You need an editor, fargas. A very patient one.

-PF