I need help learning to dominate

I was in previously in a D/s relationship as the sub about 2 years ago for quite some time. I'm naturally a very passive person anyway so it was fairly easy for me to be trained into it, and after it ended I maintained that sort of "please everyone" attitude. Well I recently met a guy who wants to be dominated by a female and, having had experience with a master, I thought it would be fairly easy to assume the role of mistress. But I find myself having difficulty being the dominant one. I am constantly afraid of hurting him even though he says it's ok and we do have a safe word. I find myself asking him constantly if he's ok with me doing such and such and what would he like for me to do to my slave. I know it's definitely not what a good mistress does to constantly be asking him what he wants instead of being dominant and doing whatever. I want to cry every time I slap him or hit him even though I know that he likes it. I need help being a better Domme because I know I kind of suck at it and I don't want to keep disappointing him (he never says I do but I can tell). Anyone have any advice on how I can get over feeling so bad about it and to learn to be more aggressive?

heheh I was thinking more along the lines of changing the little plastic bit on the back of a hard drive from 'slave' to 'master'.

I have no useful advice

Being a Domme is not something a person can learn; it is something We are born with. Anything less is fake--

Mistress_Sheli said:

Being a Domme is not something a person can learn; it is something We are born with. Anything less is fake--

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Not necessarily; most people can learn to Top and be dammed good at it (with the right incentives).

To the OP- there are a few books out there that might help you get a few starter ideas. The one I'm specifically thinking if is called 'The Goid Girls Guide to Female Domination' or something like that... Amazon.com should have it.

However, having walked that path, I also want to caution you to make sure this is something you enjoy as well, or the odds of getting frustrated And fed up by a "submissive" do-me queen increase substantially.

While certainly I think parts of the ability to enjoy it are innate -- and certainly there are those who take to it like a duck to water -- a lot of dominants need to learn how to do it. Even if it is in your inner nature.

I'm also always, with respect, dubious about anyone who claims that "no true dominant ..." (or, for that matter, "no true submissive ...") should do or want or feel a certain thing. Dom and sub aren't a matter of inheriting one on or off gene. There's no One Way To Be Dom. People come into dominance or submission, or indeed both (switches are most certainly not mythical creatures!) through a lot of different doors, from a lot of different places, and the house of domination is a large place -- not everyone is in the same room. Different dominants get different things out of it, have different styles and preferences, and pick up skills at different rates.

As do subs, in their own roles.

Civilized people who grow up in a civilized society and are brought up right generally have trouble being forceful. All that politeness and respectfulness conditioning is hard to overcome. And certainly I don't think a good dominant should be uncaring about hurting their submissive -- it's one thing to play uncaring, and it can be fun, but I personally always want to be completely aware of what I'm doing to them and (as best I can) how they are experiencing it. I don't want to hurt in ways I did not intend.

With all that training and conditioning in how not to hurt people, it's hard to start, even if you know they want it.

Perhaps you and he need to start explicitly learning to hurt him. Perhaps not even in scene or particularly in-role in your heads. Interact. Take it slow, build up your confidence in knowing how far you can take it, and build up your reassurance that, yes, it's OK to do this. It's good to do this.

What is he craving that you are having difficulty with, if there are any specifics?

AgentTau said:

I was in previously in a D/s relationship as the sub about 2 years ago for quite some time. I'm naturally a very passive person anyway so it was fairly easy for me to be trained into it, and after it ended I maintained that sort of "please everyone" attitude. Well I recently met a guy who wants to be dominated by a female and, having had experience with a master, I thought it would be fairly easy to assume the role of mistress.

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Some people can switch. Most cannot. If you're a sub, you're a sub.

Sorry.

SimonBrooke said:

Some people can switch. Most never bother trying.

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FYP..

SimonBrooke said:

Some people can switch. Most cannot. If you're a sub, you're a sub.

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Ah, and there the same thing I'm uncomfortable with. The "There's only one truth and I know it" thing that's all too prevalent, or so I find.

If everyone who had trouble domming at first gave up, there'd be damn few of them -- including a lot of the good ones.

SimonBrooke said:

Some people can switch. Most cannot. If you're a sub, you're a sub.

Sorry.

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When you're a sub,
You're a sub all the way
From the forced non-o rub
To your last bondage play.

No, it's not impossible, but you do have to have that fire inside of you to dominate. It isn't just putting tab A into slot B. Learning some different techniques would be possible, but unless it's inside of you, you'll just be acting a part. That's not at all the same thing, and submissives will know. At least that's my opinion.

Yes, there's a difference between "this turns me on, but I'm scared of hurting him" and not having any of the turnon (sexual or otherwise) going on in your head at all. You have to at least see the glimmering of that possibility.

If you love something, slap it. If it comes back–

No, wait.

You have to decide if the relationship means enough to you to do what you detest and, apparently, what hurts your self-esteem. Two subs each wanting the other to get rough is a recipe for dissatisfaction.

The question is, can you get into a service top headspace, learning to take pleasure in his pleasure? And would he be willing to do the same for you?

If you really want to learn ways to *act* more dominant as a means of pleasing this man, that's not wrong. I think you can have fun with it and find ways to focus on getting your pleasure (and possibly your housework done) by ordering your slave around. If you both know that's what you're doing, then no harm, no foul. Plenty of people act out very successfully.

If you actually want to *be* more dominant . . . you may find that difficult to do if you're not wired that way. I am wired that way, so don't quite know how to work around not being this way. But I think if you're truly uncomfortable dominating another person, pushing yourself to become what you're not isn't going to work, at least not without a lot of effort on your part and patience on your partner's part while you find your comfort zones and develop some skills.

Of course, if this man needs to you to *be* more dominant, and not just act dominant for a little fun, you may need to rethink the relationship. I'm totally wrong for a man who needs a sub. You may be totally wrong for a man who needs a domme.

Hope you can work it all out.

Some good reading, in order of my recommendations;

The Loving Dominant

Different loving

The control book (I wasn't so thrilled with this one, YMMV)

Mistress_Sheli said:

Being a Domme is not something a person can learn; it is something We are born with. Anything less is fake--

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Perfect answer I think.

Duncan

Duncan1981 said:

Perfect answer I think.

Duncan

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I think it's nonsense.

Everything we humans do is "fake" from the urethane sponge soles of our shoes to the glossy dyed, permed, extension'd hair on our head.

We eat with forks, we learn foreign languages, we change our careers during our midlife crisises, we wear pink polyester if we feel like it.

Some of us even change our sex.

Of course someone can learn to dominate, if they want to learn that.

Mostly, its a matter of giving oneself permission.

Duncan1981 said:

Perfect answer I think.

Duncan

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Again... Totally disagree.

I can actually be a rather kick ass Domme; unfortunately, it leaves me cold. The fact that it doesn't really do anything for me sexually doesn't negate the fact that I understand the motivations, needs and desires of the person who chooses to submit [to me], and craft a situation to meet those needs. In a detached sort of way it's kinda cool... Like I said though- doesn't do anything for me. Does a more clinical than erotic motivation make me any less "real"?

CutieMouse said:

Again... Totally disagree.

I can actually be a rather kick ass Domme; unfortunately, it leaves me cold. The fact that it doesn't really do anything for me sexually doesn't negate the fact that I understand the motivations, needs and desires of the person who chooses to submit [to me], and craft a situation to meet those needs. In a detached sort of way it's kinda cool... Like I said though- doesn't do anything for me. Does a more clinical than erotic motivation make me any less "real"?

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oh yeah, makes it totally fake.

Stella_Omega said:

oh yeah, makes it totally fake.

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Damn... Probably means I'm not a "real" submissive, either, huh?

CutieMouse said:

Damn... Probably means I'm not a "real" submissive, either, huh?

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Those are fake eyeglasses you're wearing, too.

Hey everyone, thanks for the replies and for the book recommendations. I appreciate all comments, both good and bad, though I must admit I'm a little disheartened by the several that say "once a slave always a slave". I very much want to be a good mistress and please him (yes I realize that's such a sub thing to say, like I said it's ingrained pretty far), so I'm hoping to find some way to at least pretend to be one. Also, he has read some of these posts and was wondering if there was any advice anyone can give him about how to deal with a mistress who isn't aggressive enough, like any way for him to perhaps bring that out. If you can help that would be greatly appreciated as well please. And thanks again everyone for your comments.

Just remember, my dear -- the people who say that would prefer that you remain a slave, and they are also invested in the idea that they, as Masters, are a speshul breed.

If you click on the book links, and check out the row of titles, you'll find bottoming books as well as topping books. Pretty much all of them are good.

AgentTau said:

Hey everyone, thanks for the replies and for the book recommendations. I appreciate all comments, both good and bad, though I must admit I'm a little disheartened by the several that say "once a slave always a slave". I very much want to be a good mistress and please him (yes I realize that's such a sub thing to say, like I said it's ingrained pretty far), so I'm hoping to find some way to at least pretend to be one. Also, he has read some of these posts and was wondering if there was any advice anyone can give him about how to deal with a mistress who isn't aggressive enough, like any way for him to perhaps bring that out. If you can help that would be greatly appreciated as well please. And thanks again everyone for your comments.

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I think you need to talk a lot about what it is you both want to get out of this and what you both are willing to do for each other if you are going to make it work?
Does it have to be aggressive and if so, can you look att it as service as suggested in other posts?
If it is more about you taking charge, are there perhaps other things that you would be more comfortable with than the things you have tried?
Don´t forget about your own needs. If they are not met, it gets hard to make the relationship work.

Duncan1981 said:

Perfect answer I think.

Duncan

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thank you Duncan