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First submission experience...advice? Please?

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screaminforyou

Virgin
Joined
Jul 29, 2007
Posts
10
I've always thought of myself as a submissive. I've always thought I was into BDSM. I've read a lot about it but, I've never had any real experience.

On Tuesday, I began talking to this Dom over the internet. After only a few hours of talking he "made" me tell him that I loved him. The next day we're discussing me leaving my college, my friends, my family, everything I've ever known and moving in with him. At first I was wary but he eventually convinced me. This would happen next fall. The next few days I was great. Doing things he told me to. I had a great time doing them.

Yesterday I had a panic attack while thinking about the situation. Submission (even virtual) didn't feel like I thought it would. When I think about it I still like it but it's not the same actually doing it. I told him about the panic attack and that I didn't want to do any of it any more. I sent him an email ending it and apologizing for wasting his time. After reading it he called me and convinced me that this happens to a lot of subs and that it was simply because I was experiencing new things for the first time. He has a way of explaining things that makes you think differently about them. I felt much better after that but as soon as I we hung up the doubts returned.

We were talking about one of my hard limits. I mean something I would never do because I think it's disgusting, wrong, and I don't think it's okay for anyone to do. in a matter of minutes he completely changed my mind. But now that I'm not talking to him, I'm back to my original thought.

However, I still feel the need to pleas him. I do want to make him happy but...i dunno

So what I need to know is, could he be right; am I just having a normal sub freak out? Or is it possible that after years of fantasizing about it, I'm really not into the BDSM lifestyle?
 
you met someone online on tuesday and he's talking you out of going to college and leaving your friends, family etc?

this isn't submission, this is manipulation.

I would walk away from this man.
 
*blinks twice*

Ok, here's my two cents, and I hope I don't upset you.

This guy sounds scary. Asking you to say you loved him, when you've never seen or met him, let alone know him properly?! That is weird. What do you even know about him (as in, what have you double-checked for your own safety, not just what he has told you)? That he wants you to make such massive life changes for a stranger you've met on the internet implies that he's either stupid, crazy or an asshole who is messing with you.

Frankly, I'd be running away.

This isn't a reflection of whether you 'really are a sub' or not. Sensible, reasonable, decent Doms don't behave like that wth a stranger. He is at fault here, not you. There are alot of good threads about safety precautions when looking for a Dom. I suggest you read them before continuing on what could potentially be a very dangerous path.

Good luck hon.
 
I would break off communication with him immediately.

And this experience has absolutely nothing to do with whether or not you're a sub, and everything to do with crazy manipulators on the internet.
 
Wow.

How is this even a question of what to do?

RUN! Cut off all communications and move on.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Relationships are relationships.

Would you declare your love for and agree to leave family/friends and drop out of college a few hours after meeting a guy who wasn't "into BDSM"? No? Then why would you do so for a guy who was "into BDSM"?

Lemmie guess... he's a lot older/experienced/knows better than you/blahblahblah?
 
I would definately break contact, in fact, not even contact him to tell him and block him from contacting you online or by phone (I am hoping he doesn't have your address). You are vulnerable and to speak with him in any form is confusing you when you make a decision to end it, and he knows how to do this well. From what you have said, he not only doesn't sound like a PYL, but he also sounds controlling to the level of potentially abusive. This is not submission, it is taking advantage of someone vulnerable and inexperienced for his own ends, and they do not sound like healthy or happy ends for you. The fact he 'made you' tell him you loved him after a few hours online rings huge alarm bells, the fact he then proceeded to outline to you how he has plans for you to drop your life and everyone in it rings even louder ones. He could just be a wannabe wanker, but he could also be very dangerous person if you came to be in his presence.

Of course some might think my objections come from the speed at which this i going for you, and in part I am as it is a sign, but as those who also know my history can tell you, speed is not something I have a problem with. F and I met online, then met for the first time a few months later and married within a couple of weeks. That was just over 8 happy years ago, but he never made me tell him I loved him, especially in a matter of hours, nor did he tell me in not much more time that he intended cutting me off from my life so much. Moving to the other side of the planet did restrict a lot of my usual life, but I still had contact with friends and family, and I also had the opportunity to contact his friends and family even before we met. Please be careful.

Catalina:rose:
 
Great advice from all those above...so I'll just add one thing....

Welcome to the lunatic world of internet bdsm.
 
There are better ways to find out if you are into the BDSM lifestyle, I promise you. :cattail:

For one thing, I recommend joining fetlife.com, which is like facebook for pervs. You can talk to people in your area, find out where and when the munches are to meet face-to-face in a NON-BDSm play space.
You can find demonstrations that you can attend in safety. needless to say, you will register there under a pseudonym, right?


Let me link you to one of the best sites I have found;
http://www.evilmonk.org/a/gen00.cfm
Please read lots and lots of it! There are articles hosted on the pages, and links to articles on other sites as well.

for right now, I want you to read some of the links here;
http://www.evilmonk.org/a/abuse00.cfm
 
screaminforyou said:
I've always thought of myself as a submissive. I've always thought I was into BDSM. I've read a lot about it but, I've never had any real experience.

On Tuesday, I began talking to this Dom over the internet. After only a few hours of talking he "made" me tell him that I loved him. The next day we're discussing me leaving my college, my friends, my family, everything I've ever known and moving in with him. At first I was wary but he eventually convinced me. This would happen next fall. The next few days I was great. Doing things he told me to. I had a great time doing them.

Yesterday I had a panic attack while thinking about the situation. Submission (even virtual) didn't feel like I thought it would. When I think about it I still like it but it's not the same actually doing it. I told him about the panic attack and that I didn't want to do any of it any more. I sent him an email ending it and apologizing for wasting his time. After reading it he called me and convinced me that this happens to a lot of subs and that it was simply because I was experiencing new things for the first time. He has a way of explaining things that makes you think differently about them. I felt much better after that but as soon as I we hung up the doubts returned.

We were talking about one of my hard limits. I mean something I would never do because I think it's disgusting, wrong, and I don't think it's okay for anyone to do. in a matter of minutes he completely changed my mind. But now that I'm not talking to him, I'm back to my original thought.

However, I still feel the need to pleas him. I do want to make him happy but...i dunno

So what I need to know is, could he be right; am I just having a normal sub freak out? Or is it possible that after years of fantasizing about it, I'm really not into the BDSM lifestyle?
Click to expand...

I agree with all the others.

I'm also new, so take that into account please. Everything I've been taught about "what we do" is that giving of submission should not change who you are fundamentally. It should be a giving of control and perhaps freedom (if that's what you're into - not everyone is) but it should not come at the complete sacrifice of your life (figuratively or literally). In my newbie-esque opinion, a "good" Dominant should want you to be the best and most successful man or woman you can be, not a college drop-out with no friends or family as a support system. Any time I hear that isolationist mentality, it rings of insecurity to me.

There are as many brands of submission as there are submissives (God I hated hearing that a few months ago, but I think I get it now) and it may come down to a simple difference that his preferred brand of submission is not the type you can freely give. If it feels wrong (to you), it probably is.

Having said all that, it's hard to stand up for yourself with a Dominant personality, but you need to. Some second-guessing when it comes to big decisions is natural, but if you can't come around to the "this is right" decision on your own without his direct influence, it may just be wrong for you. While I'm an advocate of face-to-face breakups, if he's able to talk you into doing things that don't feel right so easily when he has direct contact, don't allow direct contact. Send him an email or pigeon message or smoke signal, then don't answer the phone when he calls or respond to emails or let him know where you live.
 
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Thank you all so much for the advice! I guess this is one of those things where deep down I know what to do but don't want to accept it. I feel so stupid. I should have known.

I should add that he wants me to continue my education just at the one in his area. He hasn't said that I have to quit speaking to my friends and family it's just that I would be so far away from them that I probably wouldn't see them for years at a time.

I'm DEFINITELY going to check out those links immediately!

I think what I'll do is send one last email to tell him why I no longer wish him to contact me and then if he sends any kind of reply I'll delete before even opening it.

I guess my heart wanted to have some kind of BDSM experience so bad I ignored what my head was telling me.
 
screaminforyou said:
I've always thought of myself as a submissive. I've always thought I was into BDSM. I've read a lot about it but, I've never had any real experience.

On Tuesday, I began talking to this Dom over the internet. After only a few hours of talking he "made" me tell him that I loved him. The next day we're discussing me leaving my college, my friends, my family, everything I've ever known and moving in with him. At first I was wary but he eventually convinced me. This would happen next fall. The next few days I was great. Doing things he told me to. I had a great time doing them.

Yesterday I had a panic attack while thinking about the situation. Submission (even virtual) didn't feel like I thought it would. When I think about it I still like it but it's not the same actually doing it. I told him about the panic attack and that I didn't want to do any of it any more. I sent him an email ending it and apologizing for wasting his time. After reading it he called me and convinced me that this happens to a lot of subs and that it was simply because I was experiencing new things for the first time. He has a way of explaining things that makes you think differently about them. I felt much better after that but as soon as I we hung up the doubts returned.

We were talking about one of my hard limits. I mean something I would never do because I think it's disgusting, wrong, and I don't think it's okay for anyone to do. in a matter of minutes he completely changed my mind. But now that I'm not talking to him, I'm back to my original thought.

However, I still feel the need to pleas him. I do want to make him happy but...i dunno

So what I need to know is, could he be right; am I just having a normal sub freak out? Or is it possible that after years of fantasizing about it, I'm really not into the BDSM lifestyle?
Click to expand...
That's not a panic attack or normal sub freak out. That's common sense trying to break through fantasy-fueled lust.

Submissive orientation is no excuse for behaving like a 6 year old who just finished watching Cinderella.

If you're in college then you're a grown-up now, and it's time to act like one. Time to think carefully about the consequences of major decisions, and take responsibility for your own well-being. Coming here to ask questions was a good start.
 
screaminforyou said:
Thank you all so much for the advice! I guess this is one of those things where deep down I know what to do but don't want to accept it. I feel so stupid. I should have known.

I should add that he wants me to continue my education just at the one in his area. He hasn't said that I have to quit speaking to my friends and family it's just that I would be so far away from them that I probably wouldn't see them for years at a time.

I'm DEFINITELY going to check out those links immediately!

I think what I'll do is send one last email to tell him why I no longer wish him to contact me and then if he sends any kind of reply I'll delete before even opening it.

I guess my heart wanted to have some kind of BDSM experience so bad I ignored what my head was telling me.
Click to expand...

No need to feel stupid, as you aren't, just vulnerable. I think most here will understand the desire to find someone quick and have a perfect D/s relationship...sort of goes with the territory, but unless you are very lucky, it doesn't usually happen that quick. Keep reading, exploring, and keep an open mind and you will find the journey well worth the effort.:rose:

Catalina:cattail:
 
JMohegan said:
That's not a panic attack or normal sub freak out. That's common sense trying to break through fantasy-fueled lust.

Submissive orientation is no excuse for behaving like a 6 year old who just finished watching Cinderella.

If you're in college then you're a grown-up now, and it's time to act like one. Time to think carefully about the consequences of major decisions, and take responsibility for your own well-being. Coming here to ask questions was a good start.
Click to expand...


I love this comment so much! You're so right. Especially about the 'panic attack'.
 
screaminforyou said:
I've always thought of myself as a submissive. I've always thought I was into BDSM. I've read a lot about it but, I've never had any real experience.

On Tuesday, I began talking to this Dom over the internet. After only a few hours of talking he "made" me tell him that I loved him. The next day we're discussing me leaving my college, my friends, my family, everything I've ever known and moving in with him. At first I was wary but he eventually convinced me. This would happen next fall. The next few days I was great. Doing things he told me to. I had a great time doing them.

Yesterday I had a panic attack while thinking about the situation. Submission (even virtual) didn't feel like I thought it would. When I think about it I still like it but it's not the same actually doing it. I told him about the panic attack and that I didn't want to do any of it any more. I sent him an email ending it and apologizing for wasting his time. After reading it he called me and convinced me that this happens to a lot of subs and that it was simply because I was experiencing new things for the first time. He has a way of explaining things that makes you think differently about them. I felt much better after that but as soon as I we hung up the doubts returned.

We were talking about one of my hard limits. I mean something I would never do because I think it's disgusting, wrong, and I don't think it's okay for anyone to do. in a matter of minutes he completely changed my mind. But now that I'm not talking to him, I'm back to my original thought.

However, I still feel the need to pleas him. I do want to make him happy but...i dunno

So what I need to know is, could he be right; am I just having a normal sub freak out? Or is it possible that after years of fantasizing about it, I'm really not into the BDSM lifestyle?
Click to expand...
run....as fast as you can. he isn't a Dom...he may even be one of those our mothers warned us about. if you meet online, it should take months to build trust..and eventually meet.

listen to your gut...it will never tell you wrong.
 
Kybele said:
Bolded part absolutely. took me a year before agreeing to meet. By taking the time to build trust, we now have something that works, is totally encompassing and rewarding, sexually and emotionally.
Click to expand...
and i think any man(or Dom) who isnt willing to wait however long you need to have that trust, and being comfortable with him isnt worth the time or effort.
 
smallgirl said:
and i think any man(or Dom) who isnt willing to wait however long you need to have that trust, and being comfortable with him isnt worth the time or effort.
Click to expand...

and the ones who want it NOW are usually ones who have something to hide and don't want you to get to know them properly.
 
screaminforyou said:
Thank you all so much for the advice! I guess this is one of those things where deep down I know what to do but don't want to accept it. I feel so stupid. I should have known.

I should add that he wants me to continue my education just at the one in his area. He hasn't said that I have to quit speaking to my friends and family it's just that I would be so far away from them that I probably wouldn't see them for years at a time.

I'm DEFINITELY going to check out those links immediately!

I think what I'll do is send one last email to tell him why I no longer wish him to contact me and then if he sends any kind of reply I'll delete before even opening it.

I guess my heart wanted to have some kind of BDSM experience so bad I ignored what my head was telling me.
Click to expand...
You are not stupid at all. :rose:

For one thing, you were smart enough to double check, and verify that your feelings were right on.

You're gonna break his heart, you know! Judging from the experiences of many people here, it won't be just one reply. You may need to set up a rule, or filter, or whatever, in your email program, that sends his emails straight to the trash without you even seeing them...
 
screaminforyou said:
I've always thought of myself as a submissive. I've always thought I was into BDSM. I've read a lot about it but, I've never had any real experience.

On Tuesday, I began talking to this Dom over the internet. After only a few hours of talking he "made" me tell him that I loved him. The next day we're discussing me leaving my college, my friends, my family, everything I've ever known and moving in with him. At first I was wary but he eventually convinced me. This would happen next fall. The next few days I was great. Doing things he told me to. I had a great time doing them.

Yesterday I had a panic attack while thinking about the situation. Submission (even virtual) didn't feel like I thought it would. When I think about it I still like it but it's not the same actually doing it. I told him about the panic attack and that I didn't want to do any of it any more. I sent him an email ending it and apologizing for wasting his time. After reading it he called me and convinced me that this happens to a lot of subs and that it was simply because I was experiencing new things for the first time. He has a way of explaining things that makes you think differently about them. I felt much better after that but as soon as I we hung up the doubts returned.

We were talking about one of my hard limits. I mean something I would never do because I think it's disgusting, wrong, and I don't think it's okay for anyone to do. in a matter of minutes he completely changed my mind. But now that I'm not talking to him, I'm back to my original thought.

However, I still feel the need to pleas him. I do want to make him happy but...i dunno

So what I need to know is, could he be right; am I just having a normal sub freak out? Or is it possible that after years of fantasizing about it, I'm really not into the BDSM lifestyle?
Click to expand...

For the part I put in BOLD...you want to please someone, yes...and make someone happy, yes....just not THIS someone. RUN!!!
 
Kybele said:
Bolded part absolutely. took me a year before agreeing to meet.
Click to expand...

And I completely disagree with this. If you wait a year before meeting someone, in 99% of the cases you are then 60 years old and alone. There is no danger in real life meeting someone in a public place or CM would have been dead by now. I discard anyone who is unwilling to meet within 4 weeks. 99,99% are fakes who never intend to meet you.
 
Kybele said:
and the ones who want it NOW are usually ones who have something to hide and don't want you to get to know them properly.
Click to expand...

I wonder... did you ever date BEFORE the internet? How the fuck did you do this with your paranoia?
 
With the exception of my immediate predecessor in posting, just about all the advice above is spot on. I think he's in one of his devil's advocate moods, or just being contrary because he likes to do that sometimes.

After only a few hours of talking he "made" me tell him that I loved him. The next day we're discussing me leaving my college, my friends, my family, everything I've ever known and moving in with him. At first I was wary but he eventually convinced me. This would happen next fall.
Click to expand...
Pure manipulation. Read a little about Svengali.

The next few days I was great. Doing things he told me to. I had a great time doing them.
Click to expand...
Yeah, new stuff is great, isn't it? ... Until real life sticks its muddy foot in the door.

Yesterday I had a panic attack while thinking about the situation. Submission (even virtual) didn't feel like I thought it would. When I think about it I still like it but it's not the same actually doing it. I told him about the panic attack and that I didn't want to do any of it any more. I sent him an email ending it and apologizing for wasting his time.
Click to expand...
It didn't feel like you thought it would ... because it wasn't right for you... with him.

After reading it he called me and convinced me that this happens to a lot of subs and that it was simply because I was experiencing new things for the first time. He has a way of explaining things that makes you think differently about them.
Click to expand...
Again, manipulation. You have a mind. He wants to change that mind to make you think the way HE wants you to think. If he wanted you to go out and rob the Seventeenth National Bank to get money to send him to go get lap dances and street blow jobs, would that fall under your normal thought patterns? Why would you be willing to let him change your mind about anything (else) important to you?

I felt much better after that but as soon as I we hung up the doubts returned.

We were talking about one of my hard limits. I mean something I would never do because I think it's disgusting, wrong, and I don't think it's okay for anyone to do. in a matter of minutes he completely changed my mind. But now that I'm not talking to him, I'm back to my original thought.
Click to expand...
Minds are a wonderful thing - flexible, resilient, and *ours.* He's trying to bend yours to the point that it won't return to (your) "normal." Are you willing to give your will and mind up to someone you don't know, just because it gets his rocks off? Even if it gets *your* rocks off, are you willing to surrender your mind just to make your vagina happy for a few minutes?

However, I still feel the need to please him. [Or *someone.*] I do want to make him happy but...i dunno

So what I need to know is, could he be right; am I just having a normal sub freak out? Or is it possible that after years of fantasizing about it, I'm really not into the BDSM lifestyle?
Click to expand...
Only you can know if you are or aren't "into the BDSM lifestyle," and you'll probably find that you are, but odds are that the independent part of your mind is telling you that this dude's not the right one for you.

Run, darlin'. Run far, run fast, and don't leave a trail. Cut this manipulative asshole off at the knees *now.*

Good luck, and if you want or need more advice, the folks here are pretty much the best in the world to seek it from. I've been doing WIITWD for over 40 years, and I still learn from them on just about a daily basis.
 
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