The Mega Super Ultra Relationship Advice Thread!

It occurred to me that there are always people on here who are either looking for a relationship, struggling within a relationship, or dealing with the end of a relationship and the Lit population always seems to have words of wisdom to offer. I thought it would be interesting to have a thread just for relationship advice, things you’ve learned by experience (second or first hand), whether through success or failure - especially since people here understand the unique challenges of BDSM dynamics.

How did you cope with a break up? What keeps your long-term relationship/marriage happy & alive? What dating disasters have you learned to avoid? How do you meet the PYL/pyl that's just right for you? How do you balance everyone’s needs in poly relationships?

What worked? What didn’t? How? Why?

Please share. Thank you very much.

can we also post smartass answers or does it have to e all helpful and genuine?

Kybele said:

can we also post smartass answers or does it have to e all helpful and genuine?

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As always, you are welcome to anything you like in my thread, though, as a Canuck, I do frown on rudeness.


Thank you very much.

(Translation: smartass answers are fine).

Keroin said:

As always, you are welcome to anything you like in my thread, though, as a Canuck, I do frown on rudeness.


Thank you very much.

(Translation: smartass answers are fine).

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good. cause you can take the slut out of the GB but you'll never take the GB out of the slut.

fortunately I resolved my relationship crisis yesterday so have no need of this service. he patiently watched me howl, blubber and pour snot via skype before saying that he was willing to make some concessions to preserve the relationship.

Today was a much happier day.

Keroin said:

How did you cope with a break up?

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We've never broke up for more than 24 hours, but I coped by keeping my priorities straight. In other words, taking care of my kids.

What keeps your long-term relationship/marriage happy & alive?

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We're really good friends. It really helps to LIKE the person you live with; it keeps you together when other things aren't so hot.

What dating disasters have you learned to avoid?

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I haven't dated in 13 years, so I'm not much help there.

How do you meet the PYL/pyl that's just right for you?

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Babysitting. I started babysitting his nieces and nephews while he was still living in Texas, and then he moved here. I was 15, he was 24, and if he'd looked at me cross eyed my step dad would have cut off his youknowwhat. Fast forward three years, and I was 18, and he was 27, and my mom talked me into asking him to take me the the state fair. The rest is history.

How do you balance everyone’s needs in poly relationships?

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Not poly. Can't help there, either.

What worked? What didn’t? How? Why?

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Lots work and lot doesn't. Of the top of my head what works is that we're the same religion, we're very close in politics, we agree on child rearing, and we're both home bodies and family oriented people. We also have similar goals in life (although mine are very fluid; I just want to be a good mom and wife) What doesn't work is stuff like his temper and my patience (or lack thereof) for his temper. I'm also a *gasp* know it all, and that really annoys him. Even though I'm right most of the time (he'll even admit to that. sometimes.). We've also done rounds about him trying to tell me how to keep house. I don't go to his work and tell him how to do his job, and he can darn well stay out of my way when I'm working.

The biggest issue with us is mostly communication. I'm a very private person, and not so great a communicating. And when I do he doesn't hear me, cause he only understands bitch; quite often he doesn't hear me until I'm so mad I'm screaming at him, and then he's all 'why didn't you say so?'. He's lucky he's still alive. And he's a typical southern man, doesn't say much. Don't get me started, but there have been people in his family who've had surgery, and I didn't know, cause he didn't tell me.

Kybele said:

good. cause you can take the slut out of the GB but you'll never take the GB out of the slut.

fortunately I resolved my relationship crisis yesterday so have no need of this service. he patiently watched me howl, blubber and pour snot via skype before saying that he was willing to make some concessions to preserve the relationship.

Today was a much happier day.

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Skype snot...hmm...it will take some time to erase that image from my cerebral cortex, thankyouverymuch. (I hope ITW doesn't read this!)

Glad to hear things are better today!

graceanne said:

He's lucky he's still alive

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All good stuff but this part made me snort. Chris Rock does a funny bit all about how, if you've never plotted the murder of your spouse, at least once, you've never really been in love. LOL. I'll have to see if I can dig it up.

I think one of the hardest lessons I had to learn was that there will be times, in a long term relationship, where you really don't like each other...at all. You stick around because you 'love' each other and because you know the feeling will pass and things will get better and it's worth it, but...yeah...definitely there are moments when the thought of clubbing one's SO over the head with a blunt object has a certain appeal.

Keroin said:

All good stuff but this part made me snort. Chris Rock does a funny bit all about how, if you've never plotted the murder of your spouse, at least once, you've never really been in love. LOL. I'll have to see if I can dig it up.

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If you've never plotted the murder of your spouse, you've never been in a long term relationship. lol

I think one of the hardest lessons I had to learn was that there will be times, in a long term relationship, where you really don't like each other...at all. You stick around because you 'love' each other and because you know the feeling will pass and things will get better and it's worth it, but...yeah...definitely there are moments when the thought of clubbing one's SO over the head with a blunt object has a certain appeal.

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LOL Very true. Commitment, and the ability to see something through even when it's not fun, helps in long term relationships, A LOT.

Keroin said:

Skype snot...hmm...it will take some time to erase that image from my cerebral cortex, thankyouverymuch. (I hope ITW doesn't read this!)

Glad to hear things are better today!



All good stuff but this part made me snort. Chris Rock does a funny bit all about how, if you've never plotted the murder of your spouse, at least once, you've never really been in love. LOL. I'll have to see if I can dig it up.

I think one of the hardest lessons I had to learn was that there will be times, in a long term relationship, where you really don't like each other...at all. You stick around because you 'love' each other and because you know the feeling will pass and things will get better and it's worth it, but...yeah...definitely there are moments when the thought of clubbing one's SO over the head with a blunt object has a certain appeal.

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Oh, I feel so loved! And I did actually cringe when I read that. I am utterly predictable.

Not sure I have much relationship advice. Getting over a breakup sucks, and I think it's worse as an adult. Time heals all wounds, this too shall pass, yada yada, it's all true. Doesn't help much at the time, but it is true.

I'm not sure this will be helpful for anyone else, but I feel a lot happier in a relationship when my partner and I don't have the expectation that we will remain exactly the same. I like feeling the support of the relationship and some notion of freedom, even if it's mostly an illusion.

intothewoods said:

Oh, I feel so loved!

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Well, you are. So there.

And I did actually cringe when I read that. I am utterly predictable.

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Well, you are. So there.

I'm not sure this will be helpful for anyone else, but I feel a lot happier in a relationship when my partner and I don't have the expectation that we will remain exactly the same. I like feeling the support of the relationship and some notion of freedom, even if it's mostly an illusion.

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I think this is very valid. People change, being in a relationship doesn't (or shouldn't) alter that fact, and to expect otherwise seems almost delusional.

Keroin said:

I think this is very valid. People change, being in a relationship doesn't (or shouldn't) alter that fact, and to expect otherwise seems almost delusional.

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QFT..

A piece of advice I would offer, for those entering new relationships, is to pay as much, (if not more), attention to how your potential partner treats and interacts with others as they do with you. Especially down the road a few months, when he/she lowers their guard. (Had I done this, I could have saved myself from a rotten first marriage.)

How a person treats their friends, neighbours, co-workers, family, the wait staff at restaurants, etc, can tell you TONS more about their character than how they treat you. Remember, they're trying to impress you, they're not trying to impress the girl behind the counter at McDonalds...and that is the unedited version of themselves you should pay attention to.

Keroin said:

Skype snot...hmm...it will take some time to erase that image from my cerebral cortex, thankyouverymuch. (I hope ITW doesn't read this!)

Glad to hear things are better today!

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don't knock skype snot. he prefers it to me actually snotting over him. apart from we can't get to do the real proper good make up sex.

Keroin said:

A piece of advice I would offer, for those entering new relationships, is to ....

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...don't generalise. every relationship is unique. there may be a few real no-nos such as don't get pervy with his/her kids, but it's all ad hoc. that is the joy of a relationship. always different. and if it ain't then you really should get out of it asap.

My advice for couples who decide they want a poly relationship? Don't do it. Save the rest of us the headache.

/bitter

Keroin said:

A piece of advice I would offer, for those entering new relationships, is to pay as much, (if not more), attention to how your potential partner treats and interacts with others as they do with you. Especially down the road a few months, when he/she lowers their guard. (Had I done this, I could have saved myself from a rotten first marriage.)

How a person treats their friends, neighbours, co-workers, family, the wait staff at restaurants, etc, can tell you TONS more about their character than how they treat you. Remember, they're trying to impress you, they're not trying to impress the girl behind the counter at McDonalds...and that is the unedited version of themselves you should pay attention to.

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Yeah, that's a good one. And it's not even that you'll necessarily discover a deal-breaker. Mister Man and I are very compatible in a lot of ways, but once we experienced each others' friends and respective social scenes, I could tell that our social habits and needs are different. I definitely observed all the good stuff - dependable, good tipper, friendly with neighbors, etc. - but we did have to learn that I need to get out of the house sometimes and he, um, doesn't.

I'm not sure if it's more that the new is over or if we really don't belong together.

Kybele said:

...don't generalise. every relationship is unique. there may be a few real no-nos such as don't get pervy with his/her kids, but it's all ad hoc. that is the joy of a relationship. always different. and if it ain't then you really should get out of it asap.

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Of course every relationship is unique and that's exactly the point of that piece of advice. You want to find someone who works well with you. To do that, you need to employ some objectivity and the best way to do this, in my opinion is through indirect observation.

It's not about no-no's so much as, well, how is this going to work? Will it work? Do I like who this person is outside the circle of "us"?

My one-size-really-does-fit-all relationship advice:

Relationships work best when both parties consider themselves not 50% responsible for the success of the relationship but 100%. That responsibility can not be parceled out like household chores because the very act of dividing the responsibility generates the potential for discord and resentments. Instead, when both assume 100% responsibility, if one partner slips up a bit the other just keeps on keeping on like before. No need to keep books on who did what.

midwestyankee said:

My one-size-really-does-fit-all relationship advice:

Relationships work best when both parties consider themselves not 50% responsible for the success of the relationship but 100%. That responsibility can not be parceled out like household chores because the very act of dividing the responsibility generates the potential for discord and resentments. Instead, when both assume 100% responsibility, if one partner slips up a bit the other just keeps on keeping on like before. No need to keep books on who did what.

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Sound advice, Yanks. Yeah, in the past I've done the "score keeping" thing, it never ends well. Plus, I find that sometimes effort is its own reward.

The key to a lasting relationship:

Find someone that accepts your faults.

Then you accept theirs.


The second part is usually the more difficult one.

My one and only advise for a long term relationship can be summarized very simply with:
"Complain now or shut up forever".

What I mean is that if some behavior or habits of your partner annoys you enough to notice, but not enough to want to break up or make a fuss over it now because you are "oh, so in love!" and "I'll change him later" you should speak up instead. If you can imagine yourself shutting up about it in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years or forever, then don't say anything. Otherwise, you are better of speaking up as soon as possible.

Keroin said:

How did you cope with a break up?

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Usually I'm the one that initiates the break-up, and usually because I see there is no future, so why delay the inevitable.

It still hurts, but telling myself that it was for the best. Cry my eyes out as much as it feels necessary and write tons of tons of letters/messages that will never be sent, usually helps.
And time.

Keroin said:

What keeps your long-term relationship/marriage happy & alive?

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The fact that we are both 100% committed to it. We love each other and cannot think of our life without the other.
Of course there are plenty of time when I feel like taking the butcher knife and open his head to see what the hell is in there! but I usually control myself (only once I smashed the table in his ribs ).

Trying not to talk in an accusatory manner, trying to be understanding, and in our case, admitting to ourselves the underlying D/s structure of our marriage also helped finding our balance.

And when everything seems to be falling apart, I remember my wise grandma's words that roughly translated as: the one that can see what needs to be done, should be doing it.

Keroin said:

What dating disasters have you learned to avoid?

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Did not date much in my younger days. And what I do now to avoid disasters is to trust my gut. If it does not feel right or comfortable, just skip it.

Keroin said:

How do you meet the PYL/pyl that's just right for you?

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In my case, they just crossed my path at the right time for me to recognize them. I know it does not help! LOL

My advise would be to keep your eyes open, hang out with people you like, don't feel pressured into rushing into anything, and ... wait.

It helps to know what you really want, or at least what you absolutely don't.

Keroin said:

How do you balance everyone’s needs in poly relationships?

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Now this is a though one. What I think is important is to know your priorities, their priorities and to all be on the same page when it comes to them. And there needs also to be even more room for flexibility and redefining boundaries and goals.

There is always going to be someone that feels left out from time to time and how you implement the balance is the difficult part and depends on the poly structure.

In my case, the priority are the marriages, so those have to be taken care by the members of the marriages, while the outside party needs to be understanding and patient.

I have to say, on casual dating, have fun and don't feel bad about saying no. I went through a few bad experiences because I didn't want to hurt the person's feelings. I'm so terrible with that. Anyway, have fun with being single. I think the bdsm scene is a total blast too, especially if you're young. I couldn't do the party thing to that extent, but the 20-somethings I know seem to be having a great time. There can be some minefields, but try not to take that shit too seriously.

Keroin said:

How did you cope with a break up?

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I just walk away. Done.

In literally all but one case, I initiated the break-up, and I just walked. In that one cas,e I felt like shit for about a week and a half, then got over it. And I felt bad that long because I wanted to break it off, but had promised that I wouldn't, so I was kicking myself for being stupid and allowing it happen.

What dating disasters have you learned to avoid?

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No idea. Haven't done much dating. I tend to dance around the idea of a relationship for a while, and when I move, it's not dating. It's a relationship. So I guess the dating disaster I've learned to avoid is dating itself.

How do you meet the PYL/pyl that's just right for you?

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Luck. Really brilliant luck.

How do you balance everyone’s needs in poly relationships?

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Ever seen those acts where the person has these plates spinning on sticks? It's kinda like that. You work to keep your shit going. So long as you pay attention, it does require a lot of effort, but add more plates and things get busy. So you have to make sure that you only have as many plates in the air as you can handle.

Other than that, MWY's advice stands. You have to be responsible for 100% of the relationship, and if that means three+ people being 100% responsible, then great.

Also, as Unpredictablebijou told me, own your shit. You have more onus to be responsible for yourself in a poly relationship. Simply put, your SO's attention is split in more directions, so you need to be an adult and take care of your own shit more than you would if they were focusing only on you. And you need to own your jealousies and pettiness too. Jealousy will happen, period, but if you own it, admit to it, and examine it good and hard, it's a bit easier to deal with.

So the short answer is that you balance your own needs first, then work on everyone else's.

My advice to most people who are tepidly expressing interest in poly is don't do it. Regular 1+1 relationships are too difficult for most people. Add in another +1 or more and it becomes a LOT more work. For some folks, it's worth it. For the rest, it's a recipe for heartache.

And heartache is the last point. 50% of marriages end in divorce. Probably 90% of non-married relationships end in break-up of some sort, if not more. If you go poly, you are exposing yourself to incidences of break-up, and thus greater chance for incidences of heartache. It's a numbers game. Date two people in a year, and you can have a maximum of two final break-ups. Date ten...

That said, poly is the only chance at fulfillment for the sort of folks who need poly, so you takes your chances.

Personally, I'd keep poly separate from this thread. I know, it's all relationships, but some people get all sorts of widgey/hateful about poly, and the complexities are sufficient enough for a thread of their own. In fact there is a damned good poly thread here on lit.

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=561580

Homburg said:

Personally, I'd keep poly separate from this thread. I know, it's all relationships, but some people get all sorts of widgey/hateful about poly, and the complexities are sufficient enough for a thread of their own. In fact there is a damned good poly thread here on lit.

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=561580

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I was trying to be inclusive.

Keroin said:

I was trying to be inclusive.

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I'm not giving you grief for it. I think it's great to be inclusive. I just remember thread after thread after thread where people got stupid because poly came up. I think this thread is a good idea, and has a useful purpose, and am just trying to keep pointless trouble from occurring.

Homburg said:

I'm not giving you grief for it. I think it's great to be inclusive. I just remember thread after thread after thread where people got stupid because poly came up. I think this thread is a good idea, and has a useful purpose, and am just trying to keep pointless trouble from occurring.

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Pointless trouble's what I'm all about, son.

*Tips hat, spins six shooter, and rides off on large horse*