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Old 07-12-2010, 05:35 AM   #1
AnnV
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Kidnapped Policewoman-a humiliation story.

Hi all,I wrote this first part-it's kinda rough,please tell me what you think-I'd love your input.The main character's looks (Ann) is based on myself,so I've included a pic of me.

PLEASE SEE BELOW FOR SECOND VERSION.
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Last edited by AnnV : 08-01-2010 at 07:34 AM. Reason: see latter post,made some adjustments.
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Old 07-12-2010, 04:49 PM   #2
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And????
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Old 07-12-2010, 06:00 PM   #3
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I'm not a professional editor and can only base the following remarks on my own preferences, but here goes.

The passive voice throughout the piece is a little distracting. For example, "had been shining" could simply be "shined."

A single space should follow each comma, and two spaces are ideal after each ending punctuation. Also, the "..." inclusions seem random; I only use those in dialogue quotations when a character is interrupted by someone or something. Most of the time, a simple period will do nicely.

Paragraph size and line breaks need attention. That first paragraph is 200 words, and I bet it will appear as a huge, eye-crossing block of text when squeezed between Lit's narrow margins. Each new person's quoted dialogue should begin a new paragraph; it breaks up those paragraph blocks, but also helps the reader follow along. I'll admit I gave up when I got to paragraph four because it was difficult to follow.

Why is the character just "Anne V?" If you are basing the character on yourself and want to maintain a hint of privacy, you can always make up a different last name.



A more practiced editor will probably have more thorough comments, but that is what I glimpsed on a brief read of the first few paragraphs. To follow is an example of the above changes to just your first paragraph:

ORIGINAL VERSION:
Police constable Ann V. was sweating under her uniform.The sun had been shining down on the city mercilessly,like it had been doing the whole week.She felt the sweat trickling between her heaving breasts,and down her massive buttocks.She silently cursed herself for not keeping her promise to herself and go to the gym at least two times a week,to lose some of the extra padding she was carrying around...Well,she WAS forty,nobody could expect her to still have a “Barbie doll” figure,could they?At least the thought that most men she met at the local pubs or discos didn’t seem to mind a bit extra meat on her bones was comforting,but at the moment even that thought didn’t brighten her mood.
Here she was,forty years old,overweight,,unmarried,and still a PC on foot patrol...She cursed the commisioner for giving her this assignment,walking the beat in these silent,blistering hot housing projects,just because there were a few complaints of so-called “youth related gang activity”,whatever that meant...She was muttering to herself when she turned the corner to yet another empty street,and that was when something hit her on the back of the head, a thousand lights flashed before her eyes and she hit the pavement hard...


ALTERED:

The merciless sun shined down and Police Constable Ann V(spell name) sweated under her uniform. Perspiration trickled between heaving breasts, down massive buttocks. She cursed herself for abandoning a self-promise to lose her extra padding, but at her age, no one could expect a “Barbie doll” figure, could they? Most men she met at the local pubs or discos didn’t seem to mind a bit of extra meat on her bones, though at the moment even that thought didn’t brighten her mood.

She hated the commissioner for giving her this assignment, walking the beat in these silent, blistering hot housing projects just because there were a few complaints of so-called “youth related gang activity,” whatever that meant.

“Forty years old, overweight, unmarried, and still a PC on foot patrol,” she muttered to herself when she turned the corner to yet another empty street. A thousand lights flashed before her eyes and she hit the pavement hard when something hit her on the back of the head.
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Old 07-13-2010, 02:28 AM   #4
AnnV
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Quote:
Originally Posted by innocentscribbles View Post
I'm not a professional editor and can only base the following remarks on my own preferences, but here goes.

The passive voice throughout the piece is a little distracting. For example, "had been shining" could simply be "shined."

A single space should follow each comma, and two spaces are ideal after each ending punctuation. Also, the "..." inclusions seem random; I only use those in dialogue quotations when a character is interrupted by someone or something. Most of the time, a simple period will do nicely.

Paragraph size and line breaks need attention. That first paragraph is 200 words, and I bet it will appear as a huge, eye-crossing block of text when squeezed between Lit's narrow margins. Each new person's quoted dialogue should begin a new paragraph; it breaks up those paragraph blocks, but also helps the reader follow along. I'll admit I gave up when I got to paragraph four because it was difficult to follow.

Why is the character just "Anne V?" If you are basing the character on yourself and want to maintain a hint of privacy, you can always make up a different last name.



A more practiced editor will probably have more thorough comments, but that is what I glimpsed on a brief read of the first few paragraphs. To follow is an example of the above changes to just your first paragraph:

ORIGINAL VERSION:
Police constable Ann V. was sweating under her uniform.The sun had been shining down on the city mercilessly,like it had been doing the whole week.She felt the sweat trickling between her heaving breasts,and down her massive buttocks.She silently cursed herself for not keeping her promise to herself and go to the gym at least two times a week,to lose some of the extra padding she was carrying around...Well,she WAS forty,nobody could expect her to still have a “Barbie doll” figure,could they?At least the thought that most men she met at the local pubs or discos didn’t seem to mind a bit extra meat on her bones was comforting,but at the moment even that thought didn’t brighten her mood.
Here she was,forty years old,overweight,,unmarried,and still a PC on foot patrol...She cursed the commisioner for giving her this assignment,walking the beat in these silent,blistering hot housing projects,just because there were a few complaints of so-called “youth related gang activity”,whatever that meant...She was muttering to herself when she turned the corner to yet another empty street,and that was when something hit her on the back of the head, a thousand lights flashed before her eyes and she hit the pavement hard...


ALTERED:

The merciless sun shined down and Police Constable Ann V(spell name) sweated under her uniform. Perspiration trickled between heaving breasts, down massive buttocks. She cursed herself for abandoning a self-promise to lose her extra padding, but at her age, no one could expect a “Barbie doll” figure, could they? Most men she met at the local pubs or discos didn’t seem to mind a bit of extra meat on her bones, though at the moment even that thought didn’t brighten her mood.

She hated the commissioner for giving her this assignment, walking the beat in these silent, blistering hot housing projects just because there were a few complaints of so-called “youth related gang activity,” whatever that meant.

“Forty years old, overweight, unmarried, and still a PC on foot patrol,” she muttered to herself when she turned the corner to yet another empty street. A thousand lights flashed before her eyes and she hit the pavement hard when something hit her on the back of the head.
Thank you!
xxx
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Old 07-16-2010, 09:45 PM   #5
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I enjoyed that very much. Something is very appealing about a chubby forty year old lady being stripped naked and humiliated by younger girls who make fun of her naked body. Can't wait to read the next part.

BTW, you said you included a pic - did you remove it? I would have loved to get a look at the curvy lady described in the story.
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Old 08-01-2010, 08:00 AM   #6
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Exclamation Second version!

Here's the second version of the first part of my story,please comment and share your input,will you?Pic of me included!
Thanks,
Ann x


Ann’s ordeal.

Part One:Caught.

Police constable Ann V. was sweating under her uniform.The sun had been shining down on the city mercilessly, like it had been doing the whole week.She felt the sweat trickling between her heaving breasts, and down her massive buttocks.She silently cursed herself for not keeping the promise she made to herself and go to the gym at least two times a week, to lose some of the extra padding she was carrying around...Well, she WAS forty, nobody could expect her to still have a “Barbie doll” figure, could they?At least the thought that most men she met going out at the local pubs or discos didn’t seem to mind the fact that she carried a bit extra meat on her bones was comforting, but at the moment even that thought didn’t brighten her mood.

Here she was, forty years old,overweight, unmarried, and still a PC on foot patrol...She cursed the commissioner for giving her this assignment, walking the beat in these silent, blistering hot housing projects, just because there were a few complaints of so-called “youth related gang activity”, whatever that meant...

She was muttering to herself when she turned the corner to yet another empty street,and that was when something hit her on the back of the head, a thousand lights flashed before her eyes and she hit the pavement hard...

Ann woke up with a shock.She blinked at the light, not knowing what happened to her or where she was.She looked around dazed-and than it hit her...She seemed to be in some kind of basement or garage, a rather big room without windows,lighted by harsh, blinding neon lamps, but the aspect of her current situation that shocked and worried her the most was that she was bound spreadeagled with tough, sturdy rope to four metal rings in the wall, having her standing upright, forming a stretched out human X.All her clothes were removed, even her underwear and socks, so she was standing there barenaked, bound and totally exposed, only her police woman’s hat was left standing on her head like some kind of sick joke, strands of her sweaty red hair peeping from under it... She was trying to comprehend the situation she was in when she was startled by a young girl’s voice.

”Hey guys,” the voice yelled, brimming with exitement, ”seems miss piggy here is waking up”!
Ann looked in the direction where she heard the girl and saw a thin, blond girl sitting cross-legged on the dusty cellar floor.Before she had time to speak to the girl or ask any questions the heavy cellar door slammed open and six more girls barged in, giggling madly.

“Well looky here”, a tall black girl said grinning, ”piggy’s awake, how kind of her to join us for a little fun and games, but hey-it IS her duty, being a civil servant and all-right girls?”.Hearing this, the seven girls burst into mad laughter.

“Gather round, sisters”, a curvy, freckeled redheaded girl from maybe barely 18 said, ”let’s take in the sight, it’s not everyday you see a naked pig in your cellar!By the way-nice touch leaving that stupid hat on, Jenna-makes the fat bitch look even more silly, standing there in the buff!”.

”Yeah, Cat-I thought it would add a little someting extra”, the black girl called Jenna said, smiling wickedly.

”Okay now, let’s see”, Cat, the redhead, said, ”What do we have here?Any comments on our guest’s appearance, girls?”.
“She’s real pale, she looks like a heap of white, pink dotted blubber!”, the tall, thin blond girl Ann had heard calling out when she woke up said, studying Ann’s exposed,naked body with cold eyes, like she was looking at some kind of disgusting laboratory specimen.

”Damn, and she’s a fat bitch too-look at those big fat saggy tits she’s got hanging!”a petite asian girl laughed, pointing at Ann’s sweaty, hanging breasts, quickly stepping forward, grabbing, pincing and turning one of Ann’s nipples hard, making her cry out with pain.”Those are bloomin’ cow’s udders-and look at those big ole pink nipples she has, the ugly things are like saucers-big enough to suckle a calf!”.

”Yeah Sam, you’re right-and look at that fat, flabby beer belly she has hanging-almost covers her cunt, the bitch is not exactly in great shape,”Cat said.

”Yes, but piggy here seems to think she’s some kind of supermodel!Look, she has shaved her cunt completely bald, the slut”, a thin brunette with glasses said, pointing to Ann’s shaved, exposed vagina, the stretched position Ann’s legs were bound in making the labia part slightly, exposing its gleaming pink inner sides.”Probably was ashamed of her firecrotch, the redheaded cow!I can’t wait to put some interesting things in that fat, meaty box of hers, I wanna see how much the old fat bitch’s cunt can take and hold, and I wanna stretch those fat cuntflaps of her till they snap!”

”Patience, Lana”, Cat-who seemed to be the gang’s leader-said, ”You’ll get to use all your special talents on this one, later you can let us see how far you can stretch our brave policewoman’s bald funbox-AND that fat arsehole of her, I might add.I had a little peek and feel when we ripped her clothes off, and her shithole seems well-used and VERY promising to play with, so we’re going to give it some extra attention-and we’re all out of lube!”.

“Wait!”, Ann yelled out, ”you have to let me go-you can’t do this to me-I’m police, please untie me,we’ll talk...I won’t tell anyone...I have some money-Please!”.This made the girls laugh even harder...

”Ann,Ann,Ann...”, Cat said grinning, patting Ann’s round belly, making it jiggle, prompting the girls to burst out with even more wild laughter and to shout out more insulting comments on Ann’s fysique,
”Don’t humiliate yourself-that’s our job.Oh yes,we know your name, your adress, your precinct-don’t forget,piggy, we DID find your wallet when we reduced you to your natural, easy access state!You’re nothing more than our toy now, your only use is to be our entertainment, but hey-we left you your hat-that’s something!”.

”Now,Cat?”, Sam,the asian girl asked, licking her lips.

”Yeah, let’s start having fun.Get the camera, to begin with we’re gonna post some naked pics of this fat bitch on the net, we’ve got her personal email adresses-it will be a pleasant surprise for her family and friends to get some pics of their beloved Annie with her tits and cunt out in their mailbox!We’re gonna make her mommy and daddy real proud of their little girl!”.

Hearing this, Ann closed her eyes, tears from fear and humiliation running down her pale cheeks.In the midst of the girls’ laughter and catcalls she heard the constant clicking of a camera, and she fearfully realised that she had no other choice than to try to endure every disgusting thing they had in store for her.She had never felt so naked and vulnerable in her life...
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Last edited by AnnV : 09-24-2010 at 07:05 PM.
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Old 08-01-2010, 08:09 AM   #7
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Talking

i like the start so far,but dont stop there
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Old 08-01-2010, 09:32 AM   #8
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That sounds really promising Ann. A turn on already!
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Old 08-01-2010, 04:38 PM   #9
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I'm liking it a lot so far.
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Old 08-02-2010, 09:56 AM   #10
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Part two!

Input and comments,anyone?Thanks!

Part Two:Pain and humiliation.

“Okay, that’s enough”, Cat said, “Sam, you go upload and send our fat friend Annie’s birthday-suit portfolio to all email addresses you can find in her papers, and hurry back, you don’t want to miss the rest of our fun and games!”.

“Will do”, the asian girl answered, “I’ll make it quick.”.She ran off, taking the camera with her.

“Good.Now than, what shall we start with?Any suggestions?”Cat’s question was answered with an uproar of exited shouts from the other girls, all yelling suggestions at the same time...Hearing the vulgarities the girls wanted to bestow on her naked, exposed body shouted out with such feverish enthousiasm made Ann shiver.

“I’ve got an idea”, the lanky blond girl with the cold, snake-like eyes that was the first of the gang Ann had seen in the cellar said.”I’m a bit concerned about Ann’s health.Like I said before, jelly belly here is awfully pale don’t you think-especially those droopy, saggy milkbags of hers.Let’s bring some colour to those fat old hangers!”.

The mad enthousiasm the girl’s proposal was received with brought more tears to Ann’s eyes, and she thought she was going to lose control of her bladder...

“Great idea, Kim, ”Cat said, clapping her hands with joy, “Get some rope, girls-we’re gonna make party balloons!”.Before long, one of the girls presented her with a few coils of rough twine rope.”Good, now get one of her ugly tits up, let me slide the rope under the disgusting thing, so I can make a nice tight knot!”.

Jenna and Lana took a firm hold of Ann’s right breast, pulling the soft tissue horizontally away from her body, stretching the soft flesh and tender skin as much as they could, so Cat could put the rope under and around the fleshy orb a few times, making a noose and circling the breast with it.Than she tightened the noose to the extreme and made a very tight knot, making the part of the breast that stuck out in front of the tightened, knotted noose blow up like a freakish, meaty balloon.

At this point Ann started sobbing and pleading again, but her pleas only brought more laughter and verbal abuse from her tormentors...The roping process was repeated on Ann’s left breast too, so in a few minutes Ann’s usually slightly sagging breasts were re-shaped in roped, blown up balloons, sticking out horizontally from her torso, already getting purple from the trapped blood inside the soft tissue.Her big pink nipples pointed straight forward like two thick, swollen, accusing fingertips, also discoloring rapidly, getting from their usual pink hue to an unhealthy blood red. The pain from the rope cutting into her flesh was terrible, and Ann’s breasts felt like they were going to explode, but by now she realized she wouldn’t have to expect any mercy whatsoever from her sadistic captors, so she endured the pain as silently as possible, trying to block out the joyfull noises and comments the girls made.

“A big improvement”, Kim said,looking at Ann’s naked,abused body, “Much more colourful, I like it.”.The girls gathered around Ann, happily commenting amongst each other on her now misshapen and discoloured breasts, touching and poking the purple orbs, and pinching her swollen nipples.

“Nice colour indeed,” Jenna said, “her jugs look like ugly oversized plums now!”She took hold of both of Ann’s poking, swollen nipples and gave them a hard pull, stretching them even longer as they had become due of the roping treatment.Ann cried out in pain, and it was than she finally lost control of her bladder, a hot stream of urine spraying out of her stretched open vagina and running down her naked legs.

The girls all jumped back, not wanting to get sprayed with Ann’s damping urine.
“Fucking animal!”, Cat yelled, “The filthy bitch almost hit me with her rancid piss!Seems she’s even more degenarated than I thought,maybe we should plug up that fat,stinking cunt of hers, so this can’t happen again!”.She quickly walked up to Ann, avoiding the spreading pool of urine, and slapped the helpless policewoman in the face, making her utter a sharp cry of pain, and making her cry even harder.

“Yeah,lets put a cork or something more creative deep in her pee-hole,” Lana said with an exited voice, “For starters,that is!”.Ann, who felt even more humiliated and broken now she was standing in a pool of her own urine, her vagina still dripping and her cheek tingling from the hit, heard the sick glee in the girl’s voice.

“I’m s...sorry,”she sniffed, “I r...really couldn’t help it,I didn’t mean to...”.She sensed an even more menacing atmosphere than before creeping in the room now,and she was more scared than she had ever been in her life.
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Old 08-02-2010, 11:02 AM   #11
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I for one am enjoying it. Please continue
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Old 08-02-2010, 06:50 PM   #12
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That story is hot as hell, thanks for sharing.

This is my favorite part of the story, love the degradeding remarks on her body

Quote:
”Damn, and she’s a fat bitch too-look at those big fat saggy tits she’s got hanging!”a petite asian girl laughed, pointing at Ann’s sweaty, hanging breasts, quickly stepping forward, grabbing, pincing and turning one of Ann’s nipples hard, making her cry out with pain.”Those are bloomin’ cow’s udders-and look at those big ole pink nipples she has, the ugly things are like saucers-big enough to suckle a calf!”.

”Yeah Sam, you’re right-and look at that fat, flabby beer belly she has hanging-almost covers her cunt, the bitch is not exactly in great shape,”Cat said.

”Yes, but piggy here seems to think she’s some kind of supermodel!Look, she has shaved her cunt completely bald, the slut”, a thin brunette with glasses said, pointing to Ann’s shaved, exposed vagina, the stretched position Ann’s legs were bound in making the labia part slightly, exposing its gleaming pink inner sides.”Probably was ashamed of her firecrotch, the redheaded cow!I can’t wait to put some interesting things in that fat, meaty box of hers, I wanna see how much the old fat bitch’s cunt can take and hold, and I wanna stretch those fat cuntflaps of her till they snap!”


And where is that pic from?


cheers

Last edited by HeyAll : 08-03-2010 at 06:26 PM.
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Old 08-03-2010, 02:05 AM   #13
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Smile thanks!

Quote:
Originally Posted by HeyAll View Post
That story is hot as hell, thanks for sharing.

This is my favorite party, love the degradeding remarks on her body





And where is that pic from?


cheers
Thanks love!That pic is me,actually!
kisses,
Ann xxx
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Old 08-03-2010, 08:22 AM   #14
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All the while the police cap is on. A reminder that she used to be one of the city's finest.I love the degradation of losing control of her bladder.
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Old 08-03-2010, 06:29 PM   #15
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If I could make a suggestion, how about having the kidnappers take pictures of the policewoman, and then release her and blackmail her...she won't be able to report them, and has to provide sexual favors in private, while on duty in her police uniform. You can even have nasty stuff like a crime being in progress or her boss is trying to contact her, but she's still eating pussy or whatever.

The ending could be that the kidnappers have to flee the city because other cops are on their trail, so they release the photos anyways and ruin the cops career.
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