Postpartum Sex Issues

First, a little background:

I got pregnant almost a year ago. Early on in the pregnancy, I started having vaginal pain during sex. Specifically, intercourse after orgasm was virtually impossible because my vagina was so swollen and tense that sex was terribly painful. Sex before orgasm was no picnic, either. I figured it was a combination of increased pelvic blood flow and wacky hormones. My doctor wrote it off and Hubby and I hoped it would get better when everything calmed down.

Now I have a 3.5 month old, and sex is still incredibly painful. I believe the condition is called vaginismus, and I'm planning on checking it out with a specialist. Yes, I'm already doing the kegels.

But more than that, what worries me most is I have almost no desire for any kind of sex, including masturbation. I know that's normal to some extent, especially when exhausted and breastfeeding; I'm guessing it's my body's way of protecting itself against another pregnancy right now.

However, I still feel incredibly guilty about having no sexual desire for my husband. I worry about my libido never coming back and becoming one of those spouses (you know, the ones complained about in the "sexually unfulfilled" posts/threads). And that sets off all sorts of irrational fears about my husband cheating, the destruction of our marriage, etc. I have talked to my husband about this, and he says we'll just have to work through it, but I still worry there's some kind of deadline that I don't know about and might miss.

Has anyone here had a similar experience? If so, what did you do about it? At what point did you get your desire back? Or, are you still in Libidolessland?

Get thee to the doctor and have your thyroid and iron levels tested. Not sure about the vaginal pain, but lack of libido could be down to these two - both very common after pregnancy - and they can alter your mood, make you feel run-down, interfere with all soorts. Having a new baby is hard and can often put you off, but you know when you aren't "yourself."

I think I remember that you're breastfeeding? It can sometimes make you a bit "dry" and so buckets of lube might help the pain a little.

Erika,

What you are going through is very normal. Take a deep breath and look at the bigger picture. You have a growing family and many adjustments to make. These things take time, patience, understanding, and most importantly a lot of love.

Many of those threads that you refer to speak of the total despair of having their partner check out of the marriage sexually, which is not the same as lack of desire and/or physical discomfort. Wanting to meet your husbands needs is a far cry from "I don't want it / it's painful, so why should I care if you want it".

None of us have a crystal ball. At lease no one has been willing to loan me theirs. It is safe to say, however, that you have the power to keep your marriage on track through this and every other libido-killing event in your married life as long as you keep your wits about you and communicate with your husband. We have the ability to communicate our deepest fears and desires to our spouse, but most of us won't do it because we don't want to burden our lovers. There are men in the world that you can trust not to walk away in spite of sexual issues, and I think (having read many of your posts) that you have chosen to marry one. Give him some credit and lean on him.

In the mean time, try to work on meeting both of your need for emotional intimacy without focusing on sex. I know that the baby takes all of your energy, but try to find time to give him a back rub, lots of kisses, and words that show your love for him. Tell him what you need to feel desired in spite of your sexual situation. Try to establish intimacy without the expectation of sex. If he's looking a little frazzled then find ways to be sexual even when you don't feel like it. Work on your self esteem. Dress up and put on your makeup, even if it's for dinner. Stay in the game.

Good luck!

By sheer coincidence I had gone back earlier today and found an old post of mine for another reason, but it may be of some comfort to you so I am pasting it here.

----------------------------
My wife and I have been through what you're going through. We have 2 kids. We have been through persistent lack of desire, painful sex, uterine fibroids, endometreosis, and a hysterectomy. We have dealt with sexual issues for over half of our married lives. I don't have a silver bullet for you, but I can tell you what's working for us at this point.

First, and foremost, is attitude. Both making sure that my wife stays positive about our sex life and in the way I approach sex with her. I had to look very hard at what I get from sex, and to understand what she gets out of it. In some ways, I had to redefine what sex *is* to me, which is to say looking beyond the physical pleasure of sex to my need for intimacy and approval. I also had to weed out some bad advice. I felt guilty for a while after someone suggested that if my wife was happy with our sex life, then it was my problem if I wasn't. I had to learn not to feel guilty, maybe selfish is a better word, because I wanted sex to be a bigger part of my marriage when my wife didn't. The funny thing is, I don't think she didn't ... I think we didn't know what we were missing.

Earlier in my marriage I made the mistake of not realizing that I needed more than sexual intercourse to feel connected to her. When the sex dwindled the marriage suffered because so much was tied to the physical act of sex. At that time, we were not particularly intimate outside of the bedroom. When I figured that out and started working on being intimate and sexual with my wife in other ways, not just by having intercourse with her, things greatly improved in the marriage.

Now I tend to put back rubs, kissing, shared showers, holding hands, and love notes into the quality of our sex life, but it was something I learned over time. I try to take the time to put some effort at connecting with her whenever I can, especially when I'm not horny. I make eye contact with her, touch her, and tell her that she's beautiful -- especially when there's no possibility of sex (driving in the car, in the grocery store, etc). A warm smile and a word of thanks and approval from her when I do something goes a long way, but I had to learn to let her know that it's all a part of my security blanket in our marriage.

I had to help my wife learn that she could enjoy being intimate without feeling an expectation for sex. Of course, that meant I had to learn how to *be* intimate without expecting sex At one point she started focusing on 'getting turned on' each time I touched her, and that led to a perfomance anxiety sort of problem. It took a while, but now she can relax and let me carress her body without focusing on getting aroused. I snuggle up to her every night, and enjoy the feeling of her body next to me. Nothing's off - limits, tho. I caress her ass, breasts, and vulva because I enjoy it. It makes me feel sexually connected to her when she relaxes and tells me that it feels nice. Knowing that she enjoys my touch even if it doesn't always feel sexually stimulating to her really makes me feel good. It's also reassuring for me, and I don't feel the sting of sexual rejection if she's not in the mood for sex. I've come to understand that it's still a part of our sexuality. Sometime's things lead to sex, and sometimes they don't. The important thing is that it creates the opportunity for sex.

There's still times when she's not in the mood for sex but I'm really horny. It's the nature of hormones ;-) Sometime's I'm okay taking care of myself after she's dozed off, but other times I want to feel that sexual connection to her. When that's the case, I'll let her know that it's okay if she doesn't want sex but I'd really like for her to help me masturbate. "Help" is more or less up to her. It's nice feeling her kisses, and caresses all over my body, while I stroke myself. Sometimes she strokes me, and sometimes she gives me a blowjob, but it's up to her how involved she is. It really makes masturbation feel more like having sex with her, and she enjoys the intimacy.

I educated myself about hormones and physical sexual desire. My wife talked to her OBGYN about hormone supplements, but we decided against them. We got rid of hormonal birth control because it binds to free testosterone, and worked on diet and exercise. She has taken up Karate again, after many years away, and the boost to her self confidence has been pretty remarkable. I think it's helped her sex drive.

There are times when we go a month without sex if we don't pay attention. We both get busy, work late, go to bed early, or just don't want to inconvenience each other, and before we know it we haven't been communicating and the sexual disconnect is really noticable. We try to make a date night once a week, but that doesn't always work. Still, we try. When I know the kids are going to be out from underfoot, I'll take her out for Sushi just because I can. That helps to keep us from getting completel disconnected.

In hindsight, we have a better sex life now then when we were having intercourse once a day. When we're both in the mood to have intercourse, I tend to savor it more and we spend more time pleasing each other. We're open to trying new things now. I just feel more emotionally satisfied today than I ever have in my marriage, even tho I would like intercourse to be more frequent.

I don't think I really understood the meaning of the word faith until I had to work through this. Faith in my wife and in my marriage. Faith that no matter how hard it's been at times, I want to be married to her and she wants to be married to me. Faith that we both have the best interests of our marriage at heart and are willing to work with each other so that we can both be happy.

---

I hope that something in there is useful to you. Maybe your DH will find a nugget too.

SweetErika said:

First, a little background:

I got pregnant almost a year ago. Early on in the pregnancy, I started having vaginal pain during sex. Specifically, intercourse after orgasm was virtually impossible because my vagina was so swollen and tense that sex was terribly painful. Sex before orgasm was no picnic, either. I figured it was a combination of increased pelvic blood flow and wacky hormones. My doctor wrote it off and Hubby and I hoped it would get better when everything calmed down.

Now I have a 3.5 month old, and sex is still incredibly painful. I believe the condition is called vaginismus, and I'm planning on checking it out with a specialist. Yes, I'm already doing the kegels.

But more than that, what worries me most is I have almost no desire for any kind of sex, including masturbation. I know that's normal to some extent, especially when exhausted and breastfeeding; I'm guessing it's my body's way of protecting itself against another pregnancy right now.

However, I still feel incredibly guilty about having no sexual desire for my husband. I worry about my libido never coming back and becoming one of those spouses (you know, the ones complained about in the "sexually unfulfilled" posts/threads). And that sets off all sorts of irrational fears about my husband cheating, the destruction of our marriage, etc. I have talked to my husband about this, and he says we'll just have to work through it, but I still worry there's some kind of deadline that I don't know about and might miss.

Has anyone here had a similar experience? If so, what did you do about it? At what point did you get your desire back? Or, are you still in Libidolessland?

Click to expand...

Honestly, I think one thing you need to check is your testosterone levels. Not only that, you can somewhat help your sex drive along by prodding yourself into it. You can intentially seek out things to turn yourself on, as well as masturbate even if you're not aroused at the start. It doesn't need to be about orgasm or happen all at once. Just set aside some Erika time at least a few times a week that will be spent playing with yourself. Get some fun massage oils, toys, and whatever else you like and just try to relax and enjoy yourself.

You can also do it with your husband, as well. Just set aside some time to play with each other. Like I keep saying penis in vagina is only a little piece of sex. If your vagina isn't cooperating, then do other things. Give each other massages, cuddle, kiss each other all over, do oral sex, get back into doing all the whipping, needles, and other things you did pre pregnancy. Seriously, some of the best sex I've ever had, I wasn't aroused at all when it started.

Now, as for getting back to the penetration, set aside a little time when you're playing with yourself or your hubby to work on it. Just use a finger or two to begin with. Then, you can work up gently to a little stroking with some toys before you worry about thrusting. What you need to do is retrain your vagina to like sex again. It's a muscle like any other and will get stronger and more prepared when it gets used to being used. Seriously, that's pretty much what a sex therapist is going to tell you if you go to one.

Firebrain said:

Get thee to the doctor and have your thyroid and iron levels tested. Not sure about the vaginal pain, but lack of libido could be down to these two - both very common after pregnancy - and they can alter your mood, make you feel run-down, interfere with all soorts. Having a new baby is hard and can often put you off, but you know when you aren't "yourself."

I think I remember that you're breastfeeding? It can sometimes make you a bit "dry" and so buckets of lube might help the pain a little.

Click to expand...

I've had hypothyroidism for years, so I get my levels checked regularly anyway. The last one about a month ago was normal, and I'm sure my iron level is as well. Nevertheless, I can ask my doc to run a complete physical panel to make sure there aren't any other major underlying issues, but things are probably going to be somewhat screwed up since I am run down and breastfeeding.

And, yes, the lack of lube is an issue we addressed long ago, so it's not that.

I had a friend who claimed to have vaginismus...she got over it by using very small toys and working up in size. As I understand it, if a finger hurts it is vaginismus. If a finger does not hurt then it is not that but something else.

I forget, was it a natural birth? Did your doctor have to stitch the vaginal walls because it tore. When my first wife had her hysterectomy, it was done vaginally and the doctor "tightened" the vaginal walls. What I'm asking is maybe the issues before your pregnancy are not the same issue now even though the results are the same?

The lack of libido at this stage of motherhood is very very normal. When you're nursing, the prolactin levels are through the roof, and significantly high levels of prolactin happen to counteract dopamine (the hormone responsible for sexual arousal) - which means your hormones are doing what they are supposed to be doing at this particular stage of life. (sneaky body)

Does that mean you have to just put up with it? No. But it does mean it might be helpful to look at your sexuality/your sexual connection to your husband from a broader perspective than PIV sex. Focus on your love and affection for one another, and stop beating yourself up over the lack of desire - in other words... breathe.

Aside - have you shown any signs of PPD/continuing PPD?

pplwatching said:

Erika,

What you are going through is very normal. Take a deep breath and look at the bigger picture. You have a growing family and many adjustments to make. These things take time, patience, understanding, and most importantly a lot of love.

Many of those threads that you refer to speak of the total despair of having their partner check out of the marriage sexually, which is not the same as lack of desire and/or physical discomfort. Wanting to meet your husbands needs is a far cry from "I don't want it / it's painful, so why should I care if you want it".

None of us have a crystal ball. At lease no one has been willing to loan me theirs. It is safe to say, however, that you have the power to keep your marriage on track through this and every other libido-killing event in your married life as long as you keep your wits about you and communicate with your husband. We have the ability to communicate our deepest fears and desires to our spouse, but most of us won't do it because we don't want to burden our lovers. There are men in the world that you can trust not to walk away in spite of sexual issues, and I think (having read many of your posts) that you have chosen to marry one. Give him some credit and lean on him.

In the mean time, try to work on meeting both of your need for emotional intimacy without focusing on sex. I know that the baby takes all of your energy, but try to find time to give him a back rub, lots of kisses, and words that show your love for him. Tell him what you need to feel desired in spite of your sexual situation. Try to establish intimacy without the expectation of sex. If he's looking a little frazzled then find ways to be sexual even when you don't feel like it. Work on your self esteem. Dress up and put on your makeup, even if it's for dinner. Stay in the game.

Good luck!

Click to expand...

Both of your posts are hugely helpful, pplwatching. Thanks for taking the time to share your experiences and thoughts!

We're trying to work on the emotional intimacy, but that's really hard given the fact that we have almost no time together right now due to his job. It'd be a lot easier to be intimate if we were spending several nights together and could plan within that time frame, rather than rushing to get something in when he's home. His schedule will ease in September, but that seems like a long way off.

SweetErika said:

We're trying to work on the emotional intimacy, but that's really hard given the fact that we have almost no time together right now due to his job. It'd be a lot easier to be intimate if we were spending several nights together and could plan within that time frame, rather than rushing to get something in when he's home. His schedule will ease in September, but that seems like a long way off.

Click to expand...

First, my condolences.

The fact you're openly discussing the problem with your spouse, IMHO, is half the battle. Don't be too hard on yourself, particularly when it also sounds like he's working with you by not making demands and being empathetic to the situation. I get a strong sense that for now, just being with you is enough, that emotional intimacy is sufficient.

infinity706 said:

Honestly, I think one thing you need to check is your testosterone levels. Not only that, you can somewhat help your sex drive along by prodding yourself into it. You can intentially seek out things to turn yourself on, as well as masturbate even if you're not aroused at the start. It doesn't need to be about orgasm or happen all at once. Just set aside some Erika time at least a few times a week that will be spent playing with yourself. Get some fun massage oils, toys, and whatever else you like and just try to relax and enjoy yourself.

Click to expand...

Breastfeeding doesn't really allow me to mess with my hormones, even if they're off. I can check, but if they're off, I can't risk my milk supply by treating, so it's kind of a moot point.

Being effectively a single parent makes "Erika time" moot, too, but thanks for the suggestion.

coastal-boy said:

I had a friend who claimed to have vaginismus...she got over it by using very small toys and working up in size. As I understand it, if a finger hurts it is vaginismus. If a finger does not hurt then it is not that but something else.

I forget, was it a natural birth? Did your doctor have to stitch the vaginal walls because it tore. When my first wife had her hysterectomy, it was done vaginally and the doctor "tightened" the vaginal walls. What I'm asking is maybe the issues before your pregnancy are not the same issue now even though the results are the same?

Click to expand...

Yeah, a finger usually hurts. I think I'll see a specialist and get the official "dialators" since my insurance will pay 80% of them, and that'll likely be cheaper than buying a set of dildos or plugs.

It was a c-section, so there's no damage.

CutieMouse said:

The lack of libido at this stage of motherhood is very very normal. When you're nursing, the prolactin levels are through the roof, and significantly high levels of prolactin happen to counteract dopamine (the hormone responsible for sexual arousal) - which means your hormones are doing what they are supposed to be doing at this particular stage of life. (sneaky body)

Does that mean you have to just put up with it? No. But it does mean it might be helpful to look at your sexuality/your sexual connection to your husband from a broader perspective than PIV sex. Focus on your love and affection for one another, and stop beating yourself up over the lack of desire - in other words... breathe.

Aside - have you shown any signs of PPD/continuing PPD?

Click to expand...

Interesting.

And, yes, I have a mild case of PPD. I tried Zoloft, but that made me anxious, and I'm afraid to mess with anything else. I think it's mostly situational and hope it'll resolve when my husband is home more. I can live with it until then.

SweetErika said:

We're trying to work on the emotional intimacy, but that's really hard given the fact that we have almost no time together right now due to his job. It'd be a lot easier to be intimate if we were spending several nights together and could plan within that time frame, rather than rushing to get something in when he's home. His schedule will ease in September, but that seems like a long way off.

Click to expand...

Then you have to find things that you can do when you are not together. Intimacy does not have to be touching or face to face. It can be a shared thought or a gesture. Some of the most beautiful and touching things I have seen have been couples reading their early love letters to us at marriage retreats.

Try putting a love letter in his sock drawer that he can take to read on his lunch hour. Share something intimate and personal like how wonderful he kisses. Spritz it lightly with his favorite perfume or put on a pretty shade of lipstick and kiss it. If he has an iPod try writing/reading/recording it in your spare time and putting it on there for him to listen to while he's eating lunch.

Be creative and be silly. My wife once put a quarter in my hand when I was getting dressed and asked me to jiggle. She sighed contentedly and gave me another one, then clapped and said that it made her day and sent me off to work.

Make him a dessert to take to work with him. Pack a picnic lunch and go to a park nearby when he is home.

Take advantage of technology. Record a "conversation" with the baby saying what a wonderful daddy he is and put that on the iPod. Write him a poem or find one you like. Text him that you love him and are thinking of him. Don't be afraid to say that you are proud of him for providing for your family. Call him just to tell him how sexy he looked when he got out of the shower, or wait and whisper it in his ear when he comes in the door. Remind him of a romantic or sexy moment that you shared that you're thinking of.

Don't underestimate the power of a simple touch. Touch his face when you kiss him, his arm when you are talking, his leg when he's sitting next to you.

Tell him whatever you want however you can, but don't let physical separation be a barrier to intimacy. I'm sure folks around here are more creative than I am

Good luck Erika

NippleMuncher said:

The fact you're openly discussing the problem with your spouse, IMHO, is half the battle. Don't be too hard on yourself, particularly when it also sounds like he's working with you by not making demands and being empathetic to the situation. I get a strong sense that for now, just being with you is enough, that emotional intimacy is sufficient.

Click to expand...

Yes, it has been really tough to talk about it. I don't think anyone wants to hear that their spouse doesn't feel any excitement, but I felt it was best to be honest and just get it out there so we could try to work on it.

He's been great, but I know he really misses the sex. There's no substitute for the intimacy of PiV for him. But when we try, the results are pretty disastrous, so it's probably an activity that's best set aside for now. I'm sure a huge part of my physical problem is anticipation of pain, and I certainly don't want to continue to make those associations. I've done it before, and it was really hard to get out of.

It sounds like you have a lovely and understanding husband, and that is truly the best thing right now. I have no helpful advice that differs from what has already been said. But needed to post to only increase the numbers so you know that so many others have experienced similar troubles. You have given such wonderful advice to many of us here, that I know you will figure it out, simply because you have a good attitude about honesty with your partner!
Hili

SweetErika said:

Breastfeeding doesn't really allow me to mess with my hormones, even if they're off. I can check, but if they're off, I can't risk my milk supply by treating, so it's kind of a moot point.

Being effectively a single parent makes "Erika time" moot, too, but thanks for the suggestion.

Click to expand...

Well, the testosterone can wait, but you need some Erika time, whether it's sexual or not. I'm sure there's some time when you can squeeze it in, even if you have to skip mopping the floor one day, or something. Burning yourself out isn't exactly a reasonable option.

There's a funny thing about women and sex...

The more sex you get, the more you want. Satisfying enjoyable sex with orgasm makes your body want more. Since you've been working on your vaginismus recently, I'm assuming you can have sex at least occasionally without excruciating pain?

If so, you could try kick-starting your libido back into normalcy by being willing to have sex more often, regardless of whether or not you're already 'in the mood'.

I had this problem as well right after childbirth, for the first 6 months it was like I was an entirely different person. I used to haunt my husband for sex like a horny poltergeist, and suddenly I was like a nun! I don't say "no" to him when he asks for sex, though, due to a lot of reasons that haven't any relevancy to the thread, but the point is...by having good sex even when I wasn't originally wanting it, it helped my libido normalize.

You might think about trying it.

SweetErika said:

Breastfeeding doesn't really allow me to mess with my hormones, even if they're off. I can check, but if they're off, I can't risk my milk supply by treating, so it's kind of a moot point.

<snip>

Interesting.

And, yes, I have a mild case of PPD. I tried Zoloft, but that made me anxious, and I'm afraid to mess with anything else. I think it's mostly situational and hope it'll resolve when my husband is home more. I can live with it until then.

Click to expand...

I'd suggest talking with an IBCLC (lactation consultant) or La Leche League Leader (someone with a current copy of Medications in Mother's Milk) about alternatives to zoloft. It might be worth looking into Chasteberry or Evening Primrose Oil (I can't remember if they are counter-indicated during lactation or not); the infamous healthy sleep patterns, sunshine/fresh air every day, light exercise, healthy diet are helpful, as well. Do you have a new mother's group to socialize with? The emotional support of women who have BTDT can be (IMO) vital at times like these.

SweetErika said:

Yes, it has been really tough to talk about it. I don't think anyone wants to hear that their spouse doesn't feel any excitement, but I felt it was best to be honest and just get it out there so we could try to work on it.

He's been great, but I know he really misses the sex. There's no substitute for the intimacy of PiV for him. But when we try, the results are pretty disastrous, so it's probably an activity that's best set aside for now. I'm sure a huge part of my physical problem is anticipation of pain, and I certainly don't want to continue to make those associations. I've done it before, and it was really hard to get out of.

Click to expand...

Did you have a difficult or emotionally traumatic birth? My first was a very traumatic experience for me (less than 3 hours from 0 dilation to a baby in arms, failed epidural, with internal fetal scalp stimulation - think fisting without the prep time or lube), and I had quite a bit of residual emotional scarring re: sex afterward. Not to belittle what actual rape victims have experienced, but the best way I could explain it to my then husband was that every time we started to have PiV sex, I would have a flashback of the pain [from procedures during the birth] and freeze/pull away becasue it felt like being violated all over again. Time helped. working through the experience helped. To an extent sometimes just "sucking up" and having sex helped. If the PPD continues, especially with the stress you're feeling re: your sex life, I'd suggest seeing a therapist for a while, at least to help you have a safe place to go to deal with all the stress and changes that go hand in hand with parenthood.

CutieMouse said:

I'd suggest talking with an IBCLC (lactation consultant) or La Leche League Leader (someone with a current copy of Medications in Mother's Milk) about alternatives to zoloft. It might be worth looking into Chasteberry or Evening Primrose Oil (I can't remember if they are counter-indicated during lactation or not); the infamous healthy sleep patterns, sunshine/fresh air every day, light exercise, healthy diet are helpful, as well. Do you have a new mother's group to socialize with? The emotional support of women who have BTDT can be (IMO) vital at times like these.

Click to expand...

Yep, we go to an infant playgroup led by a lactation nurse (who is fabulous). We went to a few LLL meetings, but I need to check out another group in my area because like 90% of the women at the closest group are pretty religious. They're very nice and helpful, but I'm somewhat uncomfortable in that environment.

Then there's another local mom's group I plan to check out in the fall.

Did you have a difficult or emotionally traumatic birth?

Click to expand...

Not really. I ended up with a c-section after 12 hours of induction, and apart from the baby coming out w/ breathing problems and seeing myself be sliced open in the lights, it went fairly well. I feel like I could easily do it again with the addition of some valium or something for the surgery part. My pregnancy was high risk and fraught with lots of false alarms in terms of Down's, blood pressure, fluid overload, a borderline glucose tolerance test, etc., so that was kind of traumatic, but it's not like I feel like I'd never do that again, either.

I DO have a history of rape-related PTSD, and have wondered if that's tying into this somehow. I haven't been able to make any solid connections, but there are some parallels, e.g., I know forcing myself to have sex when I was having a lot of trouble with the PTSD didn't work for me at all and actually made things a lot worse.

That said, I'm sensing my current issues are more physical than psychological. There's certainly a mental component with anticipating pain and such, but I'm thinking that most of this is coming from wacky hormones, physical changes, long-term sleep deprivation, etc.

SweetErika said:

long-term sleep deprivation, etc.

Click to expand...

Oh Erika...I was exhausted and I didn't have to breast feed. But if my wife had to get up to feed then it made sense that I would change the diaper or help out wherever I could. I can't imagine how tired you must be right now. I think you may have just hit on the most likely issue.

I like the openness and genuine support on this thread

I am truly impressed by the openness and deep level of caring expressed in this thread. My prayers go out to you, Erika. You are open minded and a good listener and are on the right track, plus the way I see it, you have a gem for a husband, who is willing to work with you as you work through these difficult issues and feelings. Just keep on doing what you have been doing. This, too, shall pass.

God bless.

Steve

.....

Laila88 said:

Vaginismus is a condition where painful spasms cause such strong contractions that penetration isn't possible. It doesn't really sound like that is what you described. Is it?

I'd recommend a check for yeast or other vaginal infection that can cause vaginal and vulvar irritation.

Click to expand...

Your definition of vaginismus seems a bit narrow from everything I've read. What I'm experiencing is definitely muscle-related; specifically, the vaginal walls are contracting to the point where there's a great deal of pain with penetration and/or any kind of movement (i.e. if I can get something in, it can't be moved comfortably because the walls clamp down around it).

So, based on info on vaginismus from MedLine and the like, that's what it is.

I'm pretty familiar with vaginal infections due to my PCOS, and while it's possible I have a low-grade yeast infection or something that's not producing any symptoms, I'm fairly certain an infection isn't causing the problem. I'm sure it's an avenue the specialist will consider and check out, though.

SweetErika said:

However, I still feel incredibly guilty about having no sexual desire for my husband. I worry about my libido never coming back and becoming one of those spouses (you know, the ones complained about in the "sexually unfulfilled" posts/threads). And that sets off all sorts of irrational fears about my husband cheating, the destruction of our marriage, etc. I have talked to my husband about this, and he says we'll just have to work through it, but I still worry there's some kind of deadline that I don't know about and might miss.

Click to expand...

Firstly, a belated congratulations on the baby.

Secondly, as one of "those husbands", I can tell you that talking to your husband is more than half the battle. Each time my wife became pregnant she IMMEDIATELY shut herself off to me. No explination, no words, nothing. After each of our three kids were born, she continued to shut herself off, again without saying anything. Each time I've been willing to write it off to being part of her post-partum (which she sufferers from...lasts over a year). But, in truth, I know that I'm just fooling myself. If she would be open with me and talk to me, I could help her. But she just shuts herself off and will not talk about it.

You are unlike her. You recognize the issue, are facing it straight on, and are being open with your husband. All we as husbands want is for our wives to let us in, tell us what's going on. Your husband can not ask for me and, from what you write, he's been supportive and helpful. That's your doing.

So, in short, if I were in your shoes I'd not worry about your husband; you are doing what you should. Just worry about taking care of that new, precious life that you've brought into this world, and on solving your medical issue so that you can, once again, become the loving lover to your husband.

Best of luck

Wow, you've gotten some great advice here, so I guess I'll just say that while I have no experience with vaginismus I totally hear ya on the breastfeeding and mild PPD lack of libido.

In the early months of breastfeeding, I had NO libido and was actually revolted by the thought of french kissing. Weird, huh? After about 6 months of breastfeeding I felt totally normal again. Still nursing my 21-month-old and my libido is fine. Thyroid meds and taking long walks actually helped the most, I think.

It sounds like you're doing everything you can right now. This is a crazy wonky time for your hormones, vaginismus or no vaginismus, but it will get better. A glass of wine and a trashy novel would probably be a good thing too

Prolactin is the hormone released that causes milk expression. It also suppresses sex hormone production