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Old 09-15-2013, 11:18 AM   #1
Laurel
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Dad Humor

These are from the Internets.

Feel free to share your Dad Humor here - any that you've had inflicted on you by your father, or that you've inflicted on your offspring.









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Old 09-15-2013, 11:31 AM   #2
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Old 09-15-2013, 11:36 AM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by parodyluvr75 View Post
*sniggers*

i came across this one:

Quote:
When my kids wanted to do something that I would not allow, they would respond "I don't that's fair!". To which I would reply, "The device hasn't been invented that could measure my indifference to what you think".
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Old 09-15-2013, 11:46 AM   #4
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That's funny.

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Old 09-15-2013, 11:48 AM   #5
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Love,
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Old 09-15-2013, 11:51 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by parodyluvr75 View Post
hahahahahahahahaaaa! brilliant
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Old 09-15-2013, 11:53 AM   #7
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Old 09-15-2013, 11:58 AM   #8
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Quote:
When we are driving down the freeway and one of my kids say 'are we there yet?' I respond with "Yes, get out."

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Old 09-15-2013, 11:59 AM   #9
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Have you read, Dad is Fat by Jim Gaffigan?

http://www.jimgaffigan.com/
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Old 09-15-2013, 12:04 PM   #10
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When I was little and we had to walk somewhere, my dad used to amuse himself by crossing the street and, once I caught up with him on the other side, he'd cross back again. He thought it was hilarious that I just followed him without really noticing.

You just wait until you get old, dad....
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Old 09-15-2013, 12:05 PM   #11
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when dads text...
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Old 09-15-2013, 12:07 PM   #12
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For as long as I can remember, whenever "herd of cows" would come up in conversation my dad would say, "Sure I heard of cows! Haven't you?"

He'd also tell me, "You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose." Worse still, he'd tell that to any friends who'd hang out at my house.

We tried not to hang out at my house very often.
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Old 09-15-2013, 12:09 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by parodyluvr75 View Post
That's funny.

lol...
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Old 09-15-2013, 12:09 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Laurel View Post
For as long as I can remember, whenever "herd of cows" would come up in conversation my dad would say, "Sure I heard of cows! Haven't you?"

He'd also tell me, "You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose." Worse still, he'd tell that to any friends who'd hang out at my house.

We tried not to hang out at my house very often.
dya think he had an ulterior motive?
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Old 09-15-2013, 12:11 PM   #15
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Old 09-15-2013, 12:11 PM   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by butters View Post
dya think he had an ulterior motive?
Now that you mention it - maybe.
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Old 09-15-2013, 12:52 PM   #17
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Dad humor!!!! If you need to get past him and politely say "excuse me," his preferred response is "there's no excuse for you!" He's also fond of telling people "I don't drink....I GUZZLE."

My dad's dad humor is a little atypical, though, in that he's a raunchy Australian. He regularly (and affectionately) refers to us as dickheads. He delivered this toast to our family before dinner last Christmas:

"Here's to the girl I love the best;
I love her best when she's undressed;
I'd fuck her sitting, standing, lying;
If she had wings, I'd fuck her flying;
Now she's dead and long forgotten
I'll dig 'er up and fuck her rotten."
(Happy to perform this in my best imitation of my dad's accent on request).

Someone cut him off on the freeway; he was driving and my mother and sister and I were in the car. There was a young couple in the front seat of the offending vehicle, so my dad says, "Is that your girlfriend, mate? Fuck her! We all did."

One of his favorite sayings is "you're about as funny as a bag full of arseholes."
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Old 09-15-2013, 12:59 PM   #18
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Learning a foreign language

My father always insisted that the best way to learn a foreign language was to sing songs in that language.

When we had foreign visitors, he would serenade them in their language. That wasn't too bad when the visitors were his friends, but exchange students when we were teenagers found it embarrassing - particularly the Germans.

My father had learned his German songs before the war. Some of the tunes had been adapted by the Nazis and those lyrics were banned in post-War Germany. If he found any of our German foreign students irritating he would sing The Horst Wessel Lied, but with words written by his brother in law - on the lines (in German) of "Hitler has only got one ball".

As he became older he had to stop driving a car and travel by bus and train. If his fellow passengers were obviously foreign he would serenade them with a song in their language, a folk song, or operetta, or even an operatic aria.

His repetoire included French, German, Spanish, Dutch, Italian, Norwegian, Swedish, Afrikaans and The Song of The Flea in Russian. He would attempt Chinese and Japanese, but couldn't really manage either, so would sing songs from Chu Chin Chow and The Mikado.

We tried to pretend we weren't with him, but he would try to get everyone on the bus or train to join in. Sometimes they did.
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Old 09-15-2013, 01:08 PM   #19
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When I was little us kids would ask "what's for dinner"

My dad would reply "Fried farts and garlic"

My dad is 80 years old and we are still eating fried farts and garlic if you ask him.
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Old 09-15-2013, 01:08 PM   #20
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I had a friend in high school with way permissive parents. Her mom and dad were to me at the time the ultimate in cool because they let her smoke and drink at 15 and let her stay out as late as she wanted on weekends so long as she let them know when she was coming home.

One time I spent the night at her house watching horror movies with her dad. He came back from the kitchen with three beers. When he offered me one, he said, "Better a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy!" and laughed at his own joke. My friend cringed and hit him in a way that told me that it was not the first nor the tenth nor the hundredth time he'd said that.

I wondered - and wonder still - if all dads worldwide are so cornball. And if so, why. Do only total cornballs procreate? Or is there something about fathering a child that switches on the cornball gene somehow?

I just hope that before I die someone smarter and more scientifically-minded investigates this very interesting phenomenon.
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Old 09-15-2013, 01:13 PM   #21
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We had a pretty tight gang of neighborhood kids when we were young and I soaped my friend Scotts dads car windows on devils night and the next day he soaped my glasses while everyone laughed.

I guess it was kinda funny.
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Old 09-15-2013, 01:15 PM   #22
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i watched my dad break a 2x4 over a 600# sow's nose. that was funny in a terrifying way.
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Old 09-15-2013, 01:18 PM   #23
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Guided Tours of The City of London

My father, and his ancestors, were born in the City of London, the Square Mile.

When he partially retired at age 75 he turned his amateur tours of the City into more professional ones and qualified as an Official Guide to the City of London.

He only gave tours to local community organisations and friends or family until a Japanese Bank bought the house next door to him. The Bank used the house as a base for junior bankers training in the City before returning to Japan.

One day my father mentioned to his current Japanese neighbour that he did these tours of the City. The neighbour was interested and tagged along on my father's next tour for a branch of the Townswomen's Guild (and their husbands). He gave them the 'short' tour but the group staggered on to their coach at the end of the day.

The neighbour asked what the difference was between the 'short' tour and the 'long' tour.

My father explained that the 'short' tour began and ended withing the Square Mile of the City of London with diversions South of the River and to the Tower of London and St Katherine's Docks, totalling 14 miles.

The 'long' tour started several miles South of the Thames, went to Greenwich, the Royal Observatory, Cutty Sark, through the pedestrian tunnel, into and around Docklands and then continued as for the 'short' tour. It was 27 miles long - longer than a marathon.

The neighbour went to his colleagues in the Japanese Bank, explained that my father could do these tours - free, and asked whether they wanted the 'short' or 'long' tour, without detailing the extent.

The first group opted for the 'long' tour and turned up at the appointed time and place immaculately dressed in their bankers' uniform suiting. At the end of the tour they weren't so immaculate. They were tired out, exhausted and unbelieving. They were in their 20s. My father was 85.

The Japanese bankers eventually decided that my father's 'short' tour equated to climbing Mount Fuji. His 'long' tour? Climbing the mountain twice.

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Old 09-15-2013, 01:35 PM   #24
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My dad quit school in the third grade but taught himself to read and insisted on reading the paper every morning, even though at times he got things confused and back asswards because of his inventive word pronunciations.

When my wife was 8 months pregnant with our daughter she was rearranging the spice cabinet when my dad came to visit. She was standing on a stool pulling things from the cabinet and placing them on the counter as my dad stood close by telling her all about the goings on he had read about that morning in our local paper. My wife was only half listening to dad as she went about her chore.

Finally my oldman ran out of things to tell her.

He picked up a jar from the counter, read the label and in his loud gravely voice said," Seaman seeds! I ain't never heard 'em! What the hell are seaman seeds?"

A few moments later he had to keep my wife from falling off the stool because she was laughing so hard.


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Old 09-15-2013, 01:38 PM   #25
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My dad is 80 and still asks people to pull his finger.
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