How do you overcome the fear of giving up control?

How do you overcome the fear of giving up control?

Lately I started to wonder if it is possible at all. I am the kind of person who takes charge and responsibility in daily life - even when not feeling comfortable with it - rather than let a less able person take the reins. When there is someone around who is better at and more comfortable in the leader role, I am all too happy to sit back and let them lead.

I have had submissive fantasies probably as long as I have had fantasies of an erotic nature but the idea of giving up control, of letting myself become so vulnerable to someone else and the danger of them taking advantage of it, literally terrifies me. Looking back at the past years, I believe that this fear even led me to become the sexually dominant partner in a past relationship. But to be honest, even when in charge, I could not really enjoy being selfish and was more focused on pleasing my partner and trying to invent indirect ways of making him happy. I was happy that he was enjoying himself, but I did not find myself truly enjoying the sexually dominant role that felt mostly like a burden.

So now I wonder if that does not simply leave me an unexplored submissive at heart, closeted by fear and if so, how could I overcome that fear and have a chance to explore these fantasies?

Have you ever experienced a similar situation? How could you resolve it?

Not sure how many terribly driven controlling like minded people with sub fantasies there actually are on this board, but I still felt like it might be worth a shot.

Thank you for your time.

The same thoughts that terrify you, just happen to push all the right buttons in me. LOL.
You should know that submitting to a dominant does not necessarily mean that you have to give up complete control of yourself. It does not mean you have to get past the fear either. Perhaps you have formed this opinion of what submission means, before you have educated yourself on the dynamics of Dominant/submissive relationships? The only way to get past that kind of fear is to just do it, but make sure you know what you might be getting yourself into first, take your time, find out.

Matters such as, to what level you are willing to submit yourself and your limits concerning what you are and what you are not willing to submit to, and having a safe word are all topics that should be thoroughly discussed and agreed upon by both parties, way before any play actually takes place. Being terrified is a good thing, it's a perfectly natural emotion that will help you make the right choices.

I am of the opinion that one should not submit themselves to be rendered helpless by anyone whom they don't trust with their life. Yet many do and that's ok, I am not here to judge those that have.
There is no reason why you need to get past the fear, fear helps you stay alive, but not imaginary fear, not the fear we make up in our heads. That kind fear you can lessen by educating yourself by searching the library here and doing some research. Real gut fear you should not try to get past, because you have it for good reason.

You should also keep in mind that being submissive doesn't automatically mean you have to be into sadomasochism or anything like that. If you're curious about it, then that's different but don't assume you can't have one without the other.

Being submissive can be a scary thing because you are giving up that sense of control that you feel comfortable with in your every day life. Take it step by step, find someone you trust and go slow. Explore your limitations and the limitations of your partner and find out what you enjoy. I completely understand how apprehensive one can be when going into their submissive fantasies. I am a switch and I found that my submissive side doesnt mean you have to do anything you dont want to do or feel comfortable with.

You are still in control of yourself and the road you want to go down. Take it slow, find that "mature" person that you can explore this with and find your niche. You may find it more exciting then you ever thought it could be.

Well, there has been a lot of discussions on what a "true" submissive is, and truth be told, there isn't a really solid guideline as to what a person should or shouldn't be when it comes to submission.

There are a lot of different 'levels' of submission that you may or may not be aware of. None of these are Better or Worse than each other, just different. Now, these are just loose guidelines in simple laymen explanations, for speed's sake.

Bottoms usually keep any submission in the bedroom only. They are usually equals to their partner when it comes to everyday life, and have their own opinions and choices and free will in everything else.

Submissive usually are submissive to their partners in most of their daily life as well as in the bedroom, but they still have the option to have opinions and choices that are their own, even though they ultimately defer to their partner in most things. They usually aren't micromanaged in their daily lives, and go about doing things like working, cooking, dressing and other normal everyday activities on their own.

Slaves usually are submissive about ALL things to their partners, daily life and bedroom activities. They have no options but what their Master gives them, no choices and are sometimes micromanaged in their everyday life. Examples: Some slaves are directed when and how to speak, when and how to dress, when and what to eat, etc.

Not all bottoms, submissives or slaves live exactly like that, again, that's just a loose guideline to give you some -idea- of what level of submission you're looking for and what level of control you're willing to give up. Every BDSM relationship is different, and what one submissive is doing may not necessarily be what another is doing.

If you're really frightened of 'Losing Control' of your everyday choices and life, then you may be a bedroom-only Bottom. If just the sexual side of BDSM appeals to you, and you don't want it to affect the rest of your life, then you are probably a bottom, and there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with that! ^_^

I suggest you take a look at one of the online BDSM checklists (A good one here: http://www.thebrc.net/check_list/default.htm ) and fill it out, because it may give you a more solid idea of what you're interested in. You can go from there.

satindesire, I doubt it very much that she's only a bottom. In my experience the fear equals the depth of the desire to submit.

No one I have ever met has been as afraid of giving up control as the slave that hasn't done so yet.

I think it's part of the defense mechanism that allows deeply submissive women to function in the real world without being overwhelmed by the will of others exerted on her in the first place. Same as with the seemingly dominant outward nature.

I say "her" because the one male slave that I know intimately is a nearly alien creature to me. A completely different makeup from the women of the species I have met.

redroserecords, there is only one path open to you, really, and that is surrender. You know what it means to surrender, right? To give up and let someone through to your core. To let someone else decide. To let someone lead you. And yes, that is a frighting prospect when the chips on the table at stake are your very being. One that might even trigger your flight or fight reflex, no matter how well you know or trust the person you desire to submit to. But to get what you want you have to face your fears, not try to avoid them.

And yes, that also means that you have to open yourself up to be hurt deeply. It's an intrinsic risk of the power exchange. There are never any guarantees.

But two things I can tell you that might help a little bit.

1) It's worth it. When you find the right person and he makes you ask for the privilege to submit to him, and you then kneel and ask for just that, not only will your mind be blown, you'll never feel as free or unburdened as when you do give up control. It kinda feels like flying.

2) Even if worst comes to worst, and the person you have given your all to does hurt you, either by accident or simply because he's a big ol' jerk, we heal. We heal, we learn, we move on, we open ourselves up again because there is no alternative to it. We can't lead our lives closed off from others or denying ourselves just because we might get scarred in the process, can we? And as we say here in Germany, scars make heroes, anyways.

praefect said:

satindesire, I doubt it very much that she's only a bottom. In my experience the fear equals the depth of the desire to submit.

No one I have ever met has been as afraid of giving up control as the slave that hasn't done so yet.

I think it's part of the defense mechanism that allows deeply submissive women to function in the real world without being overwhelmed by the will of others exerted on her in the first place. Same as with the seemingly dominant outward nature.

I say "her" because the one male slave that I know intimately is a nearly alien creature to me. A completely different makeup from the women of the species I have met.

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I'm not trying to label her FOR her, because no one BUT her can do that! I can't possibly begin to try and guess her personality or what she truly wants out of her exploration into BDSM, because I can't read minds. What I was doing was just trying to give her a loose system to base her own label on, so that she could move from there. I apologize if I offended you with my post, I was only trying to give her some idea of where to start!

I'm not in any way offended. I can't possibly see a reason why I would be

There's also weird semi submissives (switch?) like me that end up being in charge most of the time, whether at work, during sex, running video game campaigns, leading a sports team, or just about anything else.

redroserecords said:

How do you overcome the fear of giving up control?

Lately I started to wonder if it is possible at all. I am the kind of person who takes charge and responsibility in daily life - even when not feeling comfortable with it - rather than let a less able person take the reins. When there is someone around who is better at and more comfortable in the leader role, I am all too happy to sit back and let them lead.

I have had submissive fantasies probably as long as I have had fantasies of an erotic nature but the idea of giving up control, of letting myself become so vulnerable to someone else and the danger of them taking advantage of it, literally terrifies me. Looking back at the past years, I believe that this fear even led me to become the sexually dominant partner in a past relationship. But to be honest, even when in charge, I could not really enjoy being selfish and was more focused on pleasing my partner and trying to invent indirect ways of making him happy. I was happy that he was enjoying himself, but I did not find myself truly enjoying the sexually dominant role that felt mostly like a burden.

So now I wonder if that does not simply leave me an unexplored submissive at heart, closeted by fear and if so, how could I overcome that fear and have a chance to explore these fantasies?

Have you ever experienced a similar situation? How could you resolve it?

Not sure how many terribly driven controlling like minded people with sub fantasies there actually are on this board, but I still felt like it might be worth a shot.

Thank you for your time.

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You've got lots of good info to think about from these posts, so I'll just add the little I know.

First, don't try to label yourself as something set in stone. If you want to say you're a submissive, that's fine, but don't then seek out the perfect submissive and try to make yourself into that label. Everybody is different. You might not be a submissive all of the time, or maybe not to everybody. You could sometimes feel like a Domme, and in that case you would be more of a switch. No matter what you figure out for yourself, all labels are just there as a starting point. From that point on, you can pick and choose what you want.

Many submissives are those driven types of personality who deal with the things you describe in their daily lives. They are bosses, high profile members of companies, and owners of business. In fact, this life they lead seems to work well with the submissive life they desire in the bedroom. Letting someone else take charge, after a tough day of the stressful life of being boss. It's not uncommon at all for this personality type to desire the submissive life.

But, it is sometimes a difficult thing for these people to give up control. They know what works and have made sure the necessary things were done, and that is how they've survived in the business world. This does cause a problem then, when they want to let everything go and trust someone else to take control of their sexual desires.

And trust is the word you should keep in mind. Finding someone you can trust is going to go a long way in allowing you to submit to their control. It might not be a quick thing, even after you find someone you can trust. As you know, control isn't easily given up.

But, once you find you are able to, I think you'll begin to notice it has been your deepest, subconscious, sexual desire. Once you can begin to allow someone else control, you may realize how being a sexual submissive helps relieve the stress of your daily life. It's that balance that you've been craving.

You might not be a total submissive in that maybe you won't want to give up total control in your personal life, but just when it comes to sex. You'll continue to be in control during the day, and in the bedroom, you'll submit to someone else's will and be satisfied there, too. I'm that kind of Dom. I don't desire to be in control of a woman except during any sexual situations. But then I desire total control.

Find the type of sexual equation that works for you. Be the controlling boss you are driven to be during the day, and when it comes time for sex, let all of that go and be the sexual play thing that someone else controls...or something in-between.

I basically only give it up when I like it... like when I find someone attractive and I trust them on some level. Usually this is established by positive interactions for a while, similar interests and outlooks, etc.

First of all, thank you for all your thoughts.

To clarify briefly, I am not knew to the idea of BDSM, labels, basic rules, etc. Have spent the last 6 years or so learning about the topic on and off line. But have not really considered the possibility of surrendering to another in real life before as I usually end up being the one in charge in relationships of almost any kind.

I had an experience some time ago when getting together with a switch guy did not work out for other reasons but while we were exploring the possibility, he definitely pushed some buttons that left me for once not on top. It was terrifying, being left so helpless and exposed. I disliked the experience a great deal. It also left me wondering that perhaps I keep looking for kinky people because I long for that surrender but am too scarred to give up control, so mostly kind of end up playing the dominant part, with effort, much like a chore as it does not come naturally to me in the bedroom. Playfulness does, being a take-charge person in bed does not.

I know what I expect from a relationship, how far I would like the kinky part to go and what kinky activities I have interest in to different degrees. I am just not sure how to get comfortable with the idea of giving up control and well, trusting someone enough to be able to do so. Does that make sense?

redroserecords said:

First of all, thank you for all your thoughts.

To clarify briefly, I am not knew to the idea of BDSM, labels, basic rules, etc. Have spent the last 6 years or so learning about the topic on and off line. But have not really considered the possibility of surrendering to another in real life before as I usually end up being the one in charge in relationships of almost any kind.

I had an experience some time ago when getting together with a switch guy did not work out for other reasons but while we were exploring the possibility, he definitely pushed some buttons that left me for once not on top. It was terrifying, being left so helpless and exposed. I disliked the experience a great deal. It also left me wondering that perhaps I keep looking for kinky people because I long for that surrender but am too scarred to give up control, so mostly kind of end up playing the dominant part, with effort, much like a chore as it does not come naturally to me in the bedroom. Playfulness does, being a take-charge person in bed does not.

I know what I expect from a relationship, how far I would like the kinky part to go and what kinky activities I have interest in to different degrees. I am just not sure how to get comfortable with the idea of giving up control and well, trusting someone enough to be able to do so. Does that make sense?

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The stronger your personality is, the more difficult and maybe even scary it will be to give up that control. It will probably take time, but you need to work on allowing it to happen.

If you desire to release control in your sexual life and submit, maybe taking it in steps will work. Define a step by step process that you feel secure with and go for it. This trusting person you find will need to be a very strong personality as well as someone who can go at the pace you can. This person should be able to test your submission, without going too fast. You will be in a fight or flight situation for a while and dealing with that might be your most difficult issue. Actually the situation will be more appropriated named submit or quit.

I know bondage probably isn't something you'll feel safe with for a while, but if and when you do get to that point, take that in steps, also. Don't let yourself be bound too tightly, don't let your hands be bound behind back, but in front, instead. Then, slowly increase the amount of bondage, to add to the amount of submission you accept.

Do you know if you have claustrophobia? I do and I know I would have a very VERY difficult time trusting someone and to give up my control because of that. I must have control of my life, to feel secure. I know part of that is because I'm a Dom, but also know that some of that is because of my claustrophobia. Being bound, helpless to do anything about my situation, panic would soon set in and I'd be a basket case.

Claustrophobia isn't insurmountable. Sure, it's yet another hurdle to get past, but I know I could, if I really wanted to. I am glad I'm a Dom, though, so I don't have to deal with that.

The whole thing is up to you. If you feel you want to submit in your sexual life, you have to deal with your fear of giving up control. There's no simple solution to it. Finding a person you can trust and trust totally with your safety will help. Defining safe words, and trusting your Dom will adhere to them is also a necessary part of trust.

It might be strange to say, but the more you can control of the setup, i.e. setting the steps or goals, defining the limits, the safe words and making sure your Dom is someone you can trust, the easier it will be for you to let go. And, as I'm sure you know, the first step is the most difficult. Every step after that one will be a lot easier. And think of the satisfaction and accomplishment you'll feel, once this happens. And I think you'll be amazed at how sexual you'll feel about yourself.

Things that have worked for me:

- take it slowly

- choose my dominant very carefully

- DVS mentioned trust. That's key to me. I'm not giving up control unless I trust the person and I need to know a person very well to have that much trust.

- I became a friend with my dominant first. This is key to me.

- understand how and to what extent that I want to submit to him and discuss with him how and to what extend he wants to dominate....hope they match

- realize the how and to what extent will probably change over time

- discuss limits and a safe word

- know myself and trust my gut instinct



Oh and then enjoy.

You might simply not want to give up control. there might not be any subconscious reasons to look for, either. We have a few people on this forum who are simply not at all interested in that experience, for a myriad of reasons. Interestingly, the people who make no bones about it and in fact proclaim it as a matter of pride-- are men, as far as I have found.

Why should you submit, to get what you want? Sure, you have fantasies, but your reality is different in many practical ways. I think it's perfectly possible for you to direct your bottoming experience. Lay out the script, the terms, exactly what you want and how long it should last....

And if a button gets pushed, you will know that you intended it to be pushed.

Add my two cents to DVS and Wicked woman's very excellent advices, perhaps.

ETA because it's so impossible to resist;

praefect said:

satindesire, I doubt it very much that she's only a bottom. In my experience the fear equals the depth of the desire to submit.

No one I have ever met has been as afraid of giving up control as the slave that hasn't done so yet....

...redroserecords, there is only one path open to you, really, and that is surrender.

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In Gor, in the Spring, the bullshit reeks-- early, late, and often.

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praefect said:

satindesire, I doubt it very much that she's only a bottom. In my experience the fear equals the depth of the desire to submit.

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So sorry... must call ginormous bullshit alert on this one.

CutieMouse said:

So sorry... must call ginormous bullshit alert on this one.

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I know, I'm still laughing. Someone has been reading too many cheap paperbacks.

In my experience, you never really "get over" it. It's just something you have to learn to live with, more or less.

wicked woman said:

Things that have worked for me:

- take it slowly

- choose my dominant very carefully

- DVS mentioned trust. That's key to me. I'm not giving up control unless I trust the person and I need to know a person very well to have that much trust.

- I became a friend with my dominant first. This is key to me.

- understand how and to what extent that I want to submit to him and discuss with him how and to what extend he wants to dominate....hope they match

- realize the how and to what extent will probably change over time

- discuss limits and a safe word

- know myself and trust my gut instinct



Oh and then enjoy.

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That sounds like a very sensible approach, thank you so much! I agree that finding the right person and taking my time to chose carefully will probably go a long way in easing at least some of the fear.

I also like the bit about designing and planning the framework myself of how the process of giving up control should progress. It may be an odd example but when I was little and my mom took me to the doctor they could do anything to me without a fuss as long as they took the time to explain beforehand what would happen. As long as I knew the plan, I felt still OK even though I was not directly in control of events. And even these days, I have a strong need for planning and to be prepared for most eventualities. I suppose it gives me a bit of the illusion as if I was in control even when it comes to things that completely elude my influence. Comes in handy when managing different projects in my present job.

Anyways, I have decided to sign up to a local BDSM dating site to get to know some dominant man in my area as I am not too keen on munches and in person BDSM community events. I will also start planning and tracking the "My Surrender" project and cross my fingers big time for a good guy with the God-given extra amount of patience and persistence necessary to stick around when my flight instincts kick in.

Thank you for all the good advice, I think I should make sure to come back and reread it when the urge to run becomes strong.

Best of luck to all with their own projects!

redroserecords said:

I also like the bit about designing and planning the framework myself of how the process of giving up control should progress. It may be an odd example but when I was little and my mom took me to the doctor they could do anything to me without a fuss as long as they took the time to explain beforehand what would happen. As long as I knew the plan, I felt still OK even though I was not directly in control of events. And even these days, I have a strong need for planning and to be prepared for most eventualities. I suppose it gives me a bit of the illusion as if I was in control even when it comes to things that completely elude my influence. Comes in handy when managing different projects in my present job.

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I can be much the same at times. Heh. I need to know everything that's going to happen. I dislike surprises and the unexpected.

However, rather than thinking about it being me in control over everything, I prefer to think of that as reassuring myself that things are under some sort of control. That is, if the control is not obvious, I'll check and make sure, and make myself feel confident.

Q: How do I overcome X, Y, or Z?
A: Maybe you don't. But life keeps going.

redroserecords said:

<snip>

Anyways, I have decided to sign up to a local BDSM dating site to get to know some dominant man in my area as I am not too keen on munches and in person BDSM community events. I will also start planning and tracking the "My Surrender" project and cross my fingers big time for a good guy with the God-given extra amount of patience and persistence necessary to stick around when my flight instincts kick in.

Thank you for all the good advice, I think I should make sure to come back and reread it when the urge to run becomes strong.

Best of luck to all with their own projects!

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A couple of comments. If you're wanting to follow a similar approach to mine, make sure your profile on the BDSM dating site makes it very clear that you need to be friends first. It may reduce responses from those looking for a quick play partner or more comfortable with jumping into a D/s relationship quickly but will make clear what you're looking for so you're both on the same page.

You didn't say why you prefer the dating site vs munch route but unless you've got a really good reason, you might reconsider. It's not scary...just like minded people getting together. All sorts of friendships form there.

It's all about trust and comfort in yourself.

redroserecords said:

Anyways, I have decided to sign up to a local BDSM dating site to get to know some dominant man in my area as I am not too keen on munches and in person BDSM community events. I will also start planning and tracking the "My Surrender" project and cross my fingers big time for a good guy with the God-given extra amount of patience and persistence necessary to stick around when my flight instincts kick in.

Thank you for all the good advice, I think I should make sure to come back and reread it when the urge to run becomes strong.

Best of luck to all with their own projects!

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Personal opinion...

When I first started dating a few years ago, I focused on BDSM dating sites, thinking it would make things easier. What I discovered was people who put sex before relationships. Don't get me wrong, my sex life is important, but who I am (submissive, quirky, creative, serious, loves to cook, blahblahblah) is a lot more than my sex life.

A guy would respond to the ad calling me "little one" from first contact, I'd politely request we use first names... he'd blast back that I wasn't submissive.

A guy would respond to the ad, immediately start talking trash (cybering), I'd politely explain I don't cyber with strangers... he'd blast back that I wasn't submissive.

A guy would answer the ad, we'd exchange a few emails, maybe we'd got to the have coffee point... he'd suggest our second date involve nudity; I'd suggest our second date involve an art museum... he'd blast back that I wasn't submissive.

Seeing a pattern here? LOL

My point is that there are a lot of people who base things on a D/s relationship model, that wouldn't touch a kinky dating site with a 10 foot pole. And sometimes the ones who wouldn't even think of utilizing a site like collarme.com are far more in tune with what they want, need and expect from a relationship than the ones who would.

Just date. Work on sorting out your own stuff/identifying what you want and need in order to allow someone else to run the show. Learn to read between the lines. Realize the stereotype isn't necessarily the reality. Find someone with whom you are compatible, and comfortable enough with to have some incredibly frank conversations.

I'm not sure if it's a trust issue you're having here. BDSM is base on trust and that's why one is comfortable giving up control to another. Good communcation is very important and if you and your partner is open to discussions, then both of you can explore this area slowly...one step at a time and this way, at least your fear is not that great.