BDSM and Grief

I posted this on HT a few days ago, because this place was still under siege by BLoved. satin and a few others suggested I should repost it here and now the troll's mostly gone, I think I will...

The HT thread

Epic blurt warning

I don't really know what I'm asking here. I don't want to post this in BDSM because there's an uber troll over there right now who will grab this with both hands and shit on it, which I seriously couldn't handle right now. I just need all this to be somewhere other than my head, somewhere where someone might understand. Sorry for the epic post.

My partner and Mistress of nearly four years has an aggressive type of leukaemia and her condition is now officially terminal. She has been battling this for months and is now too weak for more aggressive chemo or a marrow transplant. Her treatment now will be palliative. We thought she had 3-6months but now that's looking like 3 months at best. Her quality of life will deteriorate, so I don't even know whether I want her to hang on for three months.

I've been seeing a counsellor through CRUSE, a UK charity for the bereaved. He says I have anticipatory grief and have been suffering from it for some time. I took a sabbatical from my job in order to care for Mistress full time and now she's in hospital again, I simply don't know what to do with myself. There's only so much fussing she can handle and I try not to cry around her because it just makes her feel guilty for dying, which doesn't help anyone.

G's family are West Indian. They're devout christians who do not accept her lesbianism or our relationship, even now. Obviously they have no notion about the D/s side of things but they would be nothing short of appalled. I am having to advocate G's wishes and we have had legal papers drawn up giving me that authority, because her parents would impose their own beliefs on her living will and end of life choices. The whole time G has been ill, I have done my best not to cross paths with her family. I have gone out when they visit, I have been excluded from family gatherings the whole time we've been together. I have treated them politely and respectfully whenever it's been unavoidable that we're in the same room together. They have never been outright rude to me but their dislike of me is palpable. They seem to think that I have somehow corrupted and perverted their daughter, when in truth it was the other way around.

Now though, we all want to make the most of the time we have left with her. G's family are spending a lot of time with her and other relatives from further away are coming to visit her. The time I have with her is basically being curtailed to the evenings, when she's exhausted and heavily medicated. And now I am having to cross swords with her family and over-rule them on certain aspects of G's care. A large part of me couldn't care less what they think of me but I know the situation is stressing G out, which is the last thing she needs. A former colleague of hers even announced the other day that G needed some tests running. I wasn't aware of any tests and it turned out that she had quietly but firmly escorted them off of the ward so I could help Mistress with her lunch and have some time with her. So even to casual observers it's obvious that I'm constantly being elbowed aside.

I feel for them. I do. She is their daughter and they actually believe she's likely to go to hell. They've been sending a church elder in to talk to her but she's really not interested. Things are getting petty. I'm beginning to feel like her parents disagree with every decision we make about her care on principle. They don't seem to acknowledge in any way that my grief is as raw and painful as theirs. An uncle of hers even approached me in the hospital cafe to tell me to stay away and let the family take over. It seems to count for nothing whatsoever that G chose to spend four years of her life with me. And it's the little things that piss me off. G's parents drive right by my place to visit her but I either take two buses or cycle. They don't care that if I turn up and they've all descended on her bedside, I have wasted over an hour to get there and will waste another to get home. I've asked G's mum about agreeing visiting times for both of us but she isn't interested. If I was more cynical, I'd swear she was shaking down the country for distant family members just to keep her precious daughter surrounded. Other people are now booking flights from Tobago and once they all land it'll be pandemonium. For the sake of appearances, I did offer to accommodate some of G's visiting relatives but I'm fairly sure her parents would rather put them up in a brothel.

Mistress would ordinarily tell her parents to be reasonable and limit the visits she gets from them. I know she has a lot of guilt though, for making choices that they think are morally reprehensible. She hasn't been that close to her parents since university and I think she feels like she owes them this time. I also think she's beginning to get really scared about dying and the possibility that they might be right and she might have pissed off God. I've been hoping that she'll get sick of all the fussing and speak out but she hasn't so far and I don't feel like it's my place. I'm beginning to feel like maybe I should just step back. I'm beginning to feel like I've lost her already.

So now I'm just utterly lost. I feel very alone, so alone. I have friends within the local GLBT community but they wouldn't understand our M/s dynamic. We've never really been part of a local BDSM scene or anything because the munches are all attended by 40+ hetero divorcees. My vanilla friends just don't know what to say. They think the fact we're an interracial lesbian couple is more than controversial enough. I haven't opened up to the counsellor about our M/s dynamic and when I'm upset, I'm not so good at talking about us as a vanilla couple, which can make G look like a bit of a controlling diva. He has even asked more than once if she was ever violent or abusive to me. (is it abuse if I beg for it?) He basically knows that there's something fairly fundamental to our relationship that I'm not sharing with him. I'm beginning to wonder whether there's any point to counselling when I have to edit everything so heavily before I discuss it.

I do have two wonderful new kinky acquaintances through lit who I can talk to at length via IM and that's helped tremendously, particularly as one of them has battled cancer successfully herself. My laptop's not so good at hugs though. I'm making my cats compensate.

I can't plan anything. I feel guilty if I look to the future and exclude her from it. I'm forgetting to eat and even forgetting my meds sometimes, which isn't great. I'm drinking more, mostly just to sleep but my tolerance is rising, which is not a good path to be on. I'm beginning to like oblivion a bit too much. Where I used to have a glass or two of wine, I'll have a bottle. Most sleep meds clash with other meds I'm on and the herbal stuff doesn't touch me. I'm letting myself go, having junk when I do eat, living in slobby clothes and doing zero exercise that isn't about getting from A to B. I just feel empty and I'm going to feel empty for a long time. I'm not coping well with being in limbo and not being able to spend much time with G is killing me. I seem to be either restless and agitated or so fatigued that it's like my brain's trying to shut down. I don't know how I'm going to handle months of this. Then I feel weak and useless and stupid. G's the one with cancer but it's me who's falling apart. She's being so brave and so bloody practical. I feel like I'm failing her.

Ok. I'm going to stop now. If you've got this far, my sincere thanks for reading.

My heart goes out to you.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I can't even imagine the pain you feel right now, for your Mistress and for yourself.

Though I have not lost a partner, I have lost a parent that I was a caregiver to while growing up. I mention that because I want to encourage you to take care of yourself. Take very good care of yourself. Eat well. Rest. Do things for pleasure, even if you aren't enjoying it like you used to.

Try to connect with a group if possible. I know that group therapy can be difficult, annoying, lots of things. But one thing it does well is help combat that feeling of isolation. Especially if your Mistress' family does not approve of you and your relationship.

Be good to yourself.

Normally I'd put up some kind of irrational "Fuck 'em and just stay by her side" comment, but if she feels like she owes her family this time, it's her choice, which makes it too important for you to consider something that can be ignored. ><

I wish I knew what to say. All I can think of right now is that I'm sorry this kind of thing is happening to you two...

sb2009 said:

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I can't even imagine the pain you feel right now, for your Mistress and for yourself.

Though I have not lost a partner, I have lost a parent that I was a caregiver to while growing up. I mention that because I want to encourage you to take care of yourself. Take very good care of yourself. Eat well. Rest. Do things for pleasure, even if you aren't enjoying it like you used to.

Try to connect with a group if possible. I know that group therapy can be difficult, annoying, lots of things. But one thing it does well is help combat that feeling of isolation. Especially if your Mistress' family does not approve of you and your relationship.

Be good to yourself.

Click to expand...

This is excellent advice.
As a carer myself I know that time out is needed, even if it's only an hour to go to the library or gym, wander around the shops or even just sit in the park on a sunny day with some coffee.

I think it is so sad that you're also having to deal with a family that doesn't approve of your relationship. That just makes things ten times more difficult. I'm sorry I don't have anything to offer to help but my support and an open PM box

I am so sorry for your pain. I lost my father to leukemia and was not allowed to see him in the last few weeks before his death. The most important thing for me was to find someone with which I could freely speak without being judged.

It is so important that if you do not have family, friends or a counselor at the moment that understands your full situation, you need to find one that can help without judging you.

Please know that it is ok to feel the way you do, but make sure you don't let your depression and anxiety take over your life. Get help. I wish I could help you more, I have spent too many years of my short life in a deep depression and I certainly do not wish that upon anyone.

I certainly hope you and your Mistress can cherish the last few months of her life together, as obviously you two love one another.

I went through the death of someone close to me recently. I would never compare it to the type of abusive exclusion that these grieving pricks are inflicting upon you, because nothing like that heppened. But it did tend to bring out some raw and not-so-hidden emotions on the part of family. It's almost like pending death distills every relationship ill and then it's time to air them, just as (perhaps because) everyone is feeling so vulnerable and it's time to sum up a life.

I think Samantha offers good advice here: try to find someone with whom you can feel Not Alone. Even if, in a group, you have nothing in common but your grief, that's enough. And tell your shrink. He's heard it all and needs to know this crucial piece. If he won't hear it, find another shrink.

Good luck to you. I regret that these jerks are expressing their love for their daughter by shitting on the one person whom she loves more than any other.

fuckmeat said:

I can't plan anything. I feel guilty if I look to the future and exclude her from it. I'm forgetting to eat and even forgetting my meds sometimes, which isn't great. I'm drinking more, mostly just to sleep but my tolerance is rising, which is not a good path to be on. I'm beginning to like oblivion a bit too much. Where I used to have a glass or two of wine, I'll have a bottle. Most sleep meds clash with other meds I'm on and the herbal stuff doesn't touch me. I'm letting myself go, having junk when I do eat, living in slobby clothes and doing zero exercise that isn't about getting from A to B. I just feel empty and I'm going to feel empty for a long time. I'm not coping well with being in limbo and not being able to spend much time with G is killing me. I seem to be either restless and agitated or so fatigued that it's like my brain's trying to shut down. I don't know how I'm going to handle months of this. Then I feel weak and useless and stupid. G's the one with cancer but it's me who's falling apart. She's being so brave and so bloody practical. I feel like I'm failing her.

Ok. I'm going to stop now. If you've got this far, my sincere thanks for reading.

Click to expand...

You're stuck in a vicious cycle. The stress of everything is causing these bad habits. The bad habits are adding to your stress. The added stress is causing more bad habits and so on.

You have to break the cycle. You're not going to be able to help anyone if you don't take care of yourself. You need to summon that strength that is down deep in everyone and start to take better care of yourself.

You can't control her family. You can't control the cancer. You can't control death. But you can control keeping yourself as strong and healthy as you can during this very stressful time. Don't give up.

I would also check into if there are any kink friendly counselors around where you live. That way you hopefully wouldn't have to hold anything back.

Be strong. Fight. (if not for yourself then for your Mistress) Cherish each second. You have the strength inside you. You can do this. Believe in yourself.

fuckmeat, so sorry for the pain you are going through now...but try to take comfort in the fact that (unlike others) your heart is pure and in the right place. you have given so deeply of yourself, it cannot be questioned that you are thoroughly hers.

sending wishes for massive strength and peace your way...

I'm so sorry to hear that you and your M are going through this.

I live in the US, and so I'm not sure how much our hospital systems differ, but if you're the one making medical decisions, and legal decisions; if you bring your concerns up with the nurse, charge nurse, or doctor regarding family, it might help.

They can enforce the visiting hours more solidly. I'd suggest having a chit-chat with the medical caregivers.

Besides it must be overwhelming for someone who is so ill to be surrounded by so many people all the time. -She needs her rest.

Have you spoken with your PYL regarding the visits? She may be relieved if someone puts their foot down and limits the big family visits. Perhaps she feels too guilty to ask them to give her some space, but would welcome it?

As far as therapy goes, I'm with the camp that says: if your therapist can't handle your kink, then they're not right for you.

Ultimately stay strong, be kind to yourself, and stick up for yourself!

You're grieving too! You have needs too! They'll respect you more if you assert yourself.

My deepest, most sincere, godawful fear is that I will be the cause of this sort of grief for my girls.

I have no good words to offer except to say that absenting yourself is something that you will never forgive yourself for. You cannot get that time back, and there aren't any do-overs.

What her family is doing to you is criminal, but, honestly, there's fuck-all that you can do about their bigotry. All you can really do is endure for the sake of what you have/had, and give what service you can. There is a reason she entrusted the medical decision-making to you.

I'm sorry that there's an ocean between us because you sound like you need a hug.

What an awful situation. i can't give any better advice than that which has been given. All the bet for the future, and don't let this bull shit ruin the good memories you have. Those memories should be the one thing her family can't get to.

hugs

please take care of yourself.
you are in such a hard place right now as you are forced to be the strong and kind one, when all around you your Mistress family is not returning you not even the courtesy of respect.

no matter how things will go from now on, never doubt the fact that your Mistress knows how devoted you are, and that you gave her incredible joy with your presence in her life.

I feel so sad for you.

I lost my mother to cancer and though I did not have to deal with what you are going through - not even close - it was a long, painful ordeal that I'd wish on no one.

Take the advice of those who are telling you to take care of yourself, stay as strong as you can and find others to be with during this. You have support here, feel free to talk at us whenever you want or need to.

Hugs.

Oh my goodness you must feel so very, very alone.

I hope with all my heart that you can continue to spend time with G and that maybe you will be able to spend more time with her than you have been doing lately (I hope that somehow her family may relent a little; see what's important to HER).

Are you sure that not explaining the M/s dynamic to your counsellor is the most helpful option for you?



Edited to add (for some reason I can't recall, I'm pretty sure you're in the UK?): don't forget you can call Samaritans 24/7, or pop into your local branch during opening hours for a talk (you don't need an appointment - just knock on the door). Samaritans volunteers are 100% totally unshockable, and 100% there for you, plus everything you tell a Samaritan is 100% confidential. And you don't have to be suicidal to talk to them.

http://www.samaritans.org/talk_to_someone.aspx

sb2009 said:

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I can't even imagine the pain you feel right now, for your Mistress and for yourself.

Though I have not lost a partner, I have lost a parent that I was a caregiver to while growing up. I mention that because I want to encourage you to take care of yourself. Take very good care of yourself. Eat well. Rest. Do things for pleasure, even if you aren't enjoying it like you used to.

Try to connect with a group if possible. I know that group therapy can be difficult, annoying, lots of things. But one thing it does well is help combat that feeling of isolation. Especially if your Mistress' family does not approve of you and your relationship.

Be good to yourself.

Click to expand...

I have been invited to a group thing through CRUSE but I just don't know whether I can stand up in front of a bunch of nilla people and talk frankly about G and I. I feel like enough of a freak as it is. The staff on G's ward have been very good and very accepting but since the family (OMG I make them sound like the Mafia) went into overdrive with visiting, they tend to discuss things with them first. Although I understand why they want to get opinions about things from G's parents, it always feels like they talk to me second and only because we have made my authority over her care legally binding. Because I try to avoid talking with the family, it's the medical staff who usually tell me their wishes. Even they can make me feel like I'm interfering when it is G's wish that I manage her care.

Daddy2mylilgirl said:

You're stuck in a vicious cycle. The stress of everything is causing these bad habits. The bad habits are adding to your stress. The added stress is causing more bad habits and so on.

You have to break the cycle. You're not going to be able to help anyone if you don't take care of yourself. You need to summon that strength that is down deep in everyone and start to take better care of yourself.

You can't control her family. You can't control the cancer. You can't control death. But you can control keeping yourself as strong and healthy as you can during this very stressful time. Don't give up.

I would also check into if there are any kink friendly counselors around where you live. That way you hopefully wouldn't have to hold anything back.

Be strong. Fight. (if not for yourself then for your Mistress) Cherish each second. You have the strength inside you. You can do this. Believe in yourself.

Click to expand...

I never realised how much G has always moderated my moods. It's always been rare that I give way to extremes of emotion, because I've become so led by her moods that it's almost as though I've forgotten how to emotionally police myself. Being her slave meant that I looked after myself to maintain her property if there was no other motivation. Now I've lost that impetus. I'll bully myself into behaving for a day or two and then something stresses me out and it all starts to slide again.

I see a counsellor through a charity. Because I've been caring for G full time and she hasn't been working for quite a while, there is no money with which I can see a counsellor privately. I've decided now to talk about kink with the guy I've been seeing. He's ok but I do think he feels a little out of his depth with me at times. People can be so stupidly guarded when talking to me, as though I'll start firing off complaints and starting lawsuits at the drop of a hat. This guy has always been fine about g and I being same sex but he's so careful about how he talks to me and about us that sometimes I just want to shake him. I know he's trying to handle things sensitively and be PC at all times but it gets on my nerves.

Who knows, maybe once I throw kink into the mix he'll find it easier to discuss the lesbian aspect of things. She's lesbian but I'm bi. I haven't told him this though. He might wind up mute, unable to decide what the correct protocol is for counselling such a freak.

I hope you do not mind the IM, but I exposed some rather personal information in my reply that I thought not appropriate for the general public, Fuckmeat. I wish you all the best

Essene said:

I'm so sorry to hear that you and your M are going through this.

I live in the US, and so I'm not sure how much our hospital systems differ, but if you're the one making medical decisions, and legal decisions; if you bring your concerns up with the nurse, charge nurse, or doctor regarding family, it might help.

They can enforce the visiting hours more solidly. I'd suggest having a chit-chat with the medical caregivers.

Besides it must be overwhelming for someone who is so ill to be surrounded by so many people all the time. -She needs her rest.

Have you spoken with your PYL regarding the visits? She may be relieved if someone puts their foot down and limits the big family visits. Perhaps she feels too guilty to ask them to give her some space, but would welcome it?

As far as therapy goes, I'm with the camp that says: if your therapist can't handle your kink, then they're not right for you.

Ultimately stay strong, be kind to yourself, and stick up for yourself!

You're grieving too! You have needs too! They'll respect you more if you assert yourself.

Click to expand...

I'm going to get G alone today. After I talk to her I'm going to speak to her team about visiting. Having so many people around her is an infection risk and G has no immune system left. I'm going to try and have her status changed to reflect how vulnerable she is. She was in an isolation room for a while that people had to scrub in and out of and it did have an effect on visiting. This weekend was just ridiculous for visiting and they don't even do anything useful, unless you count prayer. A nurse has even told me that they asked about taking G down to the hospital chapel on a Sunday. It's a multifaith space for people to worship as they choose with a Chaplain who talks to people of all religions. I don't understand why they think it's necessary to drag her down there for God to hear her but I think it's another infection risk and an unnecessary one.

So I'm about to be really unpopular.

Thanks for all the messages of support guys, and to those who have pm'd me. It means a great deal.

I just wanted to wish you well, and tell you I am thinking of you. Please take carel

I don't have anything to add, except to say that my heart goes out to you.

I am so sorry that you are in this situation, it must be hell for both of you!
The family are being unreasonable, it is you who have cared for and loved their daughter, you who is named on the care plan. It should not matter what colour or gender you are, what matters is that you love her and want the best for her.
See if there are any alternitive councillors you could speak with, if you are not comfortable to completely open up to the one you are with, he can be of little help to you.
just want to send you hugs and hope you find some good solid support. xxx

fuckmeat said:

So now I'm just utterly lost. I feel very alone, so alone. I have friends within the local GLBT community but they wouldn't understand our M/s dynamic. We've never really been part of a local BDSM scene or anything because the munches are all attended by 40+ hetero divorcees. My vanilla friends just don't know what to say. They think the fact we're an interracial lesbian couple is more than controversial enough. I haven't opened up to the counsellor about our M/s dynamic and when I'm upset, I'm not so good at talking about us as a vanilla couple, which can make G look like a bit of a controlling diva. He has even asked more than once if she was ever violent or abusive to me. (is it abuse if I beg for it?) He basically knows that there's something fairly fundamental to our relationship that I'm not sharing with him. I'm beginning to wonder whether there's any point to counselling when I have to edit everything so heavily before I discuss it.

I do have two wonderful new kinky acquaintances through lit who I can talk to at length via IM and that's helped tremendously, particularly as one of them has battled cancer successfully herself. My laptop's not so good at hugs though. I'm making my cats compensate.

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Do you have friends or family members who could accompany you on some of your trips to the hospital? Not to provide counseling with the M/s aspect, but just to be a comforting presence in general, and to offer logistical support?

Someone to give you a ride to the hospital, or just hold your hand on the bus. Fetch you food from the cafeteria while you're sitting with your partner, or stand next to you in quiet solidarity while you deal with the relatives. That type of thing is what I'm talking about.

Grief is universal. People who care about you don't need to understand how or why you love your partner; they just need to know that you're hurting. If you ask for help in ways you know they can give it, maybe you won't feel so alone.

First, I want to tell you my heart goes out to you in this time, I cannot even begin to imagine your fear, pain and eventual loss that is consuming your daily life currently.
I am married, however, I don't think in this matter... with the heart that is that being straight, gay/lesbian or bisexual makes a difference, when you are in love, your life partner regardless of orientation means more then our own lives to all of us... it's devistating for me to even attempt to place myself in your shoes.
I certainly wish I could be there for a shoulder and support for you... it is completly unfair and in this day and age, her family should be taking a step back from this situation and give their child that they claim to love with dignity and stop making her ashamed... regardless of anyone's religious or spiritual journey we are created and we all are given the ability to choose... they should be grateful for what she has done in her life... even IF she hasn't done what they wanted, she wasn't a puppet and was, from the sounds of it a very independant woman and they need to remember this.
Unfortunately, when death comes to a child before the parent it creates such a pain, and what I am about to say here... I hope you do not think I am siding with them in any way shape of form... (please know I find their behavior reprehensible and they will - IMO be the ones judged in the end) I have a child, if my child passed prior to my leaving this plain of existence I would most definitely be angry with myself and anyone and everyone within arms length that I could scream at, hit and hurt in any way I could make the pain be felt. I know this is not logical, yet, I truly know myself and just thinking a little about something of this nature pisses me off! The loss of anyone is painful, but, our kids are never suppose to die before us-their parents.
That being said... they are truly in the wrong for preventing or attempting to prevent you from seeing and spending time with her... considering you have been her life and she has been your life for years... as you have already stated in your post, they have played little parts in her currently life and I hope they can come to this conclusion before she leaves you.
My dear, I am very sorry, (I realize I have said this already, but it has to be said once more); I would venture to assume your partner "G" would not want you to be depressed, barrating yourself and torturing yourself with emotions such as you are currently doing. You need to, if only for her - get up each and everyday, take care of yourself, and take care of your emotional well being. I am sure she would... if she could physically do it - she'd punish you for not taking care of yourself... the way she knows you can, am I right?
That being said, I also cannot imagine she wants you to turn to dust and never find happiness ever again or find someone for support... this doesn't mean you should run out and jump into another sexual relationship... that's something only you will ever be able to decide when you're ready for. But, you mentioned the local BDSM community were filled with divorcee's - well I get that they might be hetro's, but, I would venture to assume that at least one or two can help you cope and because you both share a similar lifestyle you could also feel okay with sharing on a more personal level... regardless of a lifestyle, we all NEED human touch, weather it be parental, friendly, loving or just sexual in nature... it's a natural human - mammal dare I say need within our souls/spiritual selves.
You are being thought about on the other side of the globe and I send you all my wishes of hope and health to make it through this and be able to make it to the other side without losing youself in the process...
sending my biggest hugs mentally to you... you are in my thoughts.