fuckmeat
That all you got?
- Joined
- Apr 19, 2010
- Posts
- 2,492
I don't really know what I'm asking here. I don't want to post this in BDSM because there's an uber troll over there right now who will grab this with both hands and shit on it, which I seriously couldn't handle right now. I just need all this to be somewhere other than my head, somewhere where someone might understand. Sorry for the epic post.
My partner and Mistress of nearly four years has an aggressive type of leukaemia and her condition is now officially terminal. She has been battling this for months and is now too weak for more aggressive chemo or a marrow transplant. Her treatment now will be palliative. We are both nurses, it's how we met, so we have no illusions about what Mistress will endure in the time she has left. We thought she had 3-6months but now that's looking like 3 months at best. Her quality of life will deteriorate, so I don't even know whether I want her to hang on for three months.
I've been seeing a counsellor through CRUSE, a UK charity for the bereaved. He says I have anticipatory grief and have been suffering from it for some time. I took a sabbatical from my job in order to care for Mistress full time and now she's in hospital again, I simply don't know what to do with myself. There's only so much fussing she can handle and I try not to cry around her because it just makes her feel guilty for dying, which doesn't help anyone.
G's family are West Indian. They're devout christians who do not accept her lesbianism or our relationship, even now. Obviously they have no notion about the D/s side of things but they would be nothing short of appalled. I am having to advocate G's wishes and we have had legal papers drawn up giving me that authority, because her parents would impose their own beliefs on her living will and end of life choices. The whole time G has been ill, I have done my best not to cross paths with her family. I have gone out when they visit, I have been excluded from family gatherings the whole time we've been together. I have treated them politely and respectfully whenever it's been unavoidable that we're in the same room together. They have never been outright rude to me but their dislike of me is palpable. They seem to think that I have somehow corrupted and perverted their daughter, when in truth it was the other way around.
Now though, we all want to make the most of the time we have left with her. G's family are spending a lot of time with her and other relatives from further away are coming to visit her. The time I have with her is basically being curtailed to the evenings, when she's exhausted and heavily medicated. And now I am having to cross swords with her family and over-rule them on certain aspects of G's care. A large part of me couldn't care less what they think of me but I know the situation is stressing G out, which is the last thing she needs. A former colleague of hers even announced the other day that G needed some tests running. I wasn't aware of any tests and it turned out that she had quietly but firmly escorted them off of the ward so I could help Mistress with her lunch and have some time with her. So even to casual observers it's obvious that I'm constantly being elbowed aside.
I feel for them. I do. She is their daughter and they actually believe she's likely to go to hell. They've been sending a vicar in to talk to her but she's really not interested. Things are getting petty. I'm beginning to feel like her parents disagree with every decision we make about her care on principle. They don't seem to acknowledge in any way that my grief is as raw and painful as theirs. An uncle of hers even approached me in the hospital cafe to tell me to stay away and let the family take over. It seems to count for nothing whatsoever that G chose to spend four years of her life with me. And it's the little things that piss me off. G's parents drive right by my place to visit her but I either take two buses or cycle. They don't care that if I turn up and they've all descended on her bedside, I have wasted over an hour to get there and will waste another to get home. I've asked G's mum about agreeing visiting times for both of us but she isn't interested. If I was more cynical, I'd swear she was shaking down the country for distant family members just to keep her precious daughter surrounded. Other people are now booking flights from Tobago and once they all land it'll be pandemonium. For the sake of appearances, I did offer to accommodate some of G's visiting relatives but I'm fairly sure her parents would rather put them up in a brothel.
Mistress would ordinarily tell her parents to be reasonable and limit the visits she gets from them. I know she has a lot of guilt though, for making choices that they think are morally reprehensible. She hasn't been that close to her parents since university and I think she feels like she owes them this time. I also think she's beginning to get really scared about dying and the possibility that they might be right and she might have pissed off God. I've been hoping that she'll get sick of all the fussing and speak out but she hasn't so far and I don't feel like it's my place. I'm beginning to feel like maybe I should just step back. I'm beginning to feel like I've lost her already.
So now I'm just utterly lost. I feel very alone, so alone. I have friends within the local GLBT community but they wouldn't understand our M/s dynamic. We've never really been part of a local BDSM scene or anything because the munches are all attended by 40+ hetero divorcees. My vanilla friends just don't know what to say. They think the fact we're an interracial lesbian couple is more than controversial enough. I haven't opened up to the counsellor about our M/s dynamic and when I'm upset, I'm not so good at talking about us as a vanilla couple, which can make G look like a bit of a controlling diva. He has even asked more than once if she was ever violent or abusive to me. (is it abuse if I beg for it?) He basically knows that there's something fairly fundamental to our relationship that I'm not sharing with him. I'm beginning to wonder whether there's any point to counselling when I have to edit everything so heavily before I discuss it.
I do have two wonderful new kinky acquaintances through lit who I can talk to at length via IM and that's helped tremendously, particularly as one of them has battled cancer successfully herself. My laptop's not so good at hugs though. I'm making my cats compensate.
I can't plan anything. I feel guilty if I look to the future and exclude her from it. I'm forgetting to eat and even forgetting my meds sometimes, which isn't great. I'm drinking more, mostly just to sleep but my tolerance is rising, which is not a good path to be on. I'm beginning to like oblivion a bit too much. Where I used to have a glass or two of wine, I'll have a bottle. Most sleep meds clash with other meds I'm on and the herbal stuff doesn't touch me. I'm letting myself go, having junk when I do eat, living in slobby clothes and doing zero exercise that isn't about getting from A to B. I just feel empty and I'm going to feel empty for a long time. I'm not coping well with being in limbo and not being able to spend much time with G is killing me. I seem to be either restless and agitated or so fatigued that it's like my brain's trying to shut down. I don't know how I'm going to handle months of this. Then I feel weak and useless and stupid. G's the one with cancer but it's me who's falling apart. She's being so brave and so bloody practical. I feel like I'm failing her.
Ok. I'm going to stop now. If you've got this far, my sincere thanks for reading.
My partner and Mistress of nearly four years has an aggressive type of leukaemia and her condition is now officially terminal. She has been battling this for months and is now too weak for more aggressive chemo or a marrow transplant. Her treatment now will be palliative. We are both nurses, it's how we met, so we have no illusions about what Mistress will endure in the time she has left. We thought she had 3-6months but now that's looking like 3 months at best. Her quality of life will deteriorate, so I don't even know whether I want her to hang on for three months.
I've been seeing a counsellor through CRUSE, a UK charity for the bereaved. He says I have anticipatory grief and have been suffering from it for some time. I took a sabbatical from my job in order to care for Mistress full time and now she's in hospital again, I simply don't know what to do with myself. There's only so much fussing she can handle and I try not to cry around her because it just makes her feel guilty for dying, which doesn't help anyone.
G's family are West Indian. They're devout christians who do not accept her lesbianism or our relationship, even now. Obviously they have no notion about the D/s side of things but they would be nothing short of appalled. I am having to advocate G's wishes and we have had legal papers drawn up giving me that authority, because her parents would impose their own beliefs on her living will and end of life choices. The whole time G has been ill, I have done my best not to cross paths with her family. I have gone out when they visit, I have been excluded from family gatherings the whole time we've been together. I have treated them politely and respectfully whenever it's been unavoidable that we're in the same room together. They have never been outright rude to me but their dislike of me is palpable. They seem to think that I have somehow corrupted and perverted their daughter, when in truth it was the other way around.
Now though, we all want to make the most of the time we have left with her. G's family are spending a lot of time with her and other relatives from further away are coming to visit her. The time I have with her is basically being curtailed to the evenings, when she's exhausted and heavily medicated. And now I am having to cross swords with her family and over-rule them on certain aspects of G's care. A large part of me couldn't care less what they think of me but I know the situation is stressing G out, which is the last thing she needs. A former colleague of hers even announced the other day that G needed some tests running. I wasn't aware of any tests and it turned out that she had quietly but firmly escorted them off of the ward so I could help Mistress with her lunch and have some time with her. So even to casual observers it's obvious that I'm constantly being elbowed aside.
I feel for them. I do. She is their daughter and they actually believe she's likely to go to hell. They've been sending a vicar in to talk to her but she's really not interested. Things are getting petty. I'm beginning to feel like her parents disagree with every decision we make about her care on principle. They don't seem to acknowledge in any way that my grief is as raw and painful as theirs. An uncle of hers even approached me in the hospital cafe to tell me to stay away and let the family take over. It seems to count for nothing whatsoever that G chose to spend four years of her life with me. And it's the little things that piss me off. G's parents drive right by my place to visit her but I either take two buses or cycle. They don't care that if I turn up and they've all descended on her bedside, I have wasted over an hour to get there and will waste another to get home. I've asked G's mum about agreeing visiting times for both of us but she isn't interested. If I was more cynical, I'd swear she was shaking down the country for distant family members just to keep her precious daughter surrounded. Other people are now booking flights from Tobago and once they all land it'll be pandemonium. For the sake of appearances, I did offer to accommodate some of G's visiting relatives but I'm fairly sure her parents would rather put them up in a brothel.
Mistress would ordinarily tell her parents to be reasonable and limit the visits she gets from them. I know she has a lot of guilt though, for making choices that they think are morally reprehensible. She hasn't been that close to her parents since university and I think she feels like she owes them this time. I also think she's beginning to get really scared about dying and the possibility that they might be right and she might have pissed off God. I've been hoping that she'll get sick of all the fussing and speak out but she hasn't so far and I don't feel like it's my place. I'm beginning to feel like maybe I should just step back. I'm beginning to feel like I've lost her already.
So now I'm just utterly lost. I feel very alone, so alone. I have friends within the local GLBT community but they wouldn't understand our M/s dynamic. We've never really been part of a local BDSM scene or anything because the munches are all attended by 40+ hetero divorcees. My vanilla friends just don't know what to say. They think the fact we're an interracial lesbian couple is more than controversial enough. I haven't opened up to the counsellor about our M/s dynamic and when I'm upset, I'm not so good at talking about us as a vanilla couple, which can make G look like a bit of a controlling diva. He has even asked more than once if she was ever violent or abusive to me. (is it abuse if I beg for it?) He basically knows that there's something fairly fundamental to our relationship that I'm not sharing with him. I'm beginning to wonder whether there's any point to counselling when I have to edit everything so heavily before I discuss it.
I do have two wonderful new kinky acquaintances through lit who I can talk to at length via IM and that's helped tremendously, particularly as one of them has battled cancer successfully herself. My laptop's not so good at hugs though. I'm making my cats compensate.
I can't plan anything. I feel guilty if I look to the future and exclude her from it. I'm forgetting to eat and even forgetting my meds sometimes, which isn't great. I'm drinking more, mostly just to sleep but my tolerance is rising, which is not a good path to be on. I'm beginning to like oblivion a bit too much. Where I used to have a glass or two of wine, I'll have a bottle. Most sleep meds clash with other meds I'm on and the herbal stuff doesn't touch me. I'm letting myself go, having junk when I do eat, living in slobby clothes and doing zero exercise that isn't about getting from A to B. I just feel empty and I'm going to feel empty for a long time. I'm not coping well with being in limbo and not being able to spend much time with G is killing me. I seem to be either restless and agitated or so fatigued that it's like my brain's trying to shut down. I don't know how I'm going to handle months of this. Then I feel weak and useless and stupid. G's the one with cancer but it's me who's falling apart. She's being so brave and so bloody practical. I feel like I'm failing her.
Ok. I'm going to stop now. If you've got this far, my sincere thanks for reading.
