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Old 12-03-2014, 03:58 AM   #1
CollarAndFeather
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Question Coping with unmet BDSM needs

Long story short; I have been without a Dom for too long & expect to be so for awhile longer for various reasons. (ditto on the romance & sex ends too, since I prefer that to all be the same person)

I'm managing somehow (through different means at different times), but I'm curious about what different ways other people have to cope with having to forgo their needs due to personal circumstance.

To be clear, I'm not talking about things that'd be really nice but that are just things we want (I'm sure most of us have a good list of those), or that you can reasonably placate without too much trouble (such as masturbating to quiet a libedo). I mean things that you think about constantly when deprived of, feel like a part of who you are, can't fill on your own, & that are taxing on your mental/emotional well-being to ignore.

This question is aimed mainly at subs and is focused on D/s needs, but others are of course, more than welcome to join.
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Old 12-03-2014, 06:43 AM   #2
IrisAlthea
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CollarAndFeather View Post
Long story short; I have been without a Dom for too long & expect to be so for awhile longer for various reasons. (ditto on the romance & sex ends too, since I prefer that to all be the same person)

I'm managing somehow (through different means at different times), but I'm curious about what different ways other people have to cope with having to forgo their needs due to personal circumstance.

To be clear, I'm not talking about things that'd be really nice but that are just things we want (I'm sure most of us have a good list of those), or that you can reasonably placate without too much trouble (such as masturbating to quiet a libedo). I mean things that you think about constantly when deprived of, feel like a part of who you are, can't fill on your own, & that are taxing on your mental/emotional well-being to ignore.

This question is aimed mainly at subs and is focused on D/s needs, but others are of course, more than welcome to join.
I would have to identify as others, because I can't fully relate to your situation.

The bolded part of your post stood out to me, because I think dwelling on things we can't change is something to be avoided as much as we can.
It sounds ridiculous but it can help to decide on a set time everyday to worry, fret, rage or whatever you need intensly for 10 minutes or so.
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Old 12-03-2014, 08:22 AM   #3
Rain_child14
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I'm not sure if this is the answer you are looking for, but personally, I had a Dom for a while, and I was in heaven. I loved the dominance, the control, everything that came with it...except I eventually started craving the more vanilla side to a relationship. I wanted the occasional cuddling, the hand-holding during a movie, etc. Not all the time, but I wanted a Dom that could be both, and he couldn't be. I found someone who is a dominant lover, not as dominant as I might like, but I also got the rest of the package so to speak.
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Old 12-03-2014, 10:49 AM   #4
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It would depend on what you personally need from a D/s relationship. If it is the need to please someone perhaps your job can give you that kind of satisfaction if you go above and beyond. Or perhaps volunteer or join an organization where you can follow someone's lead. I have a friend who was in a similar position as yourself who joined a church and the rituals of the services helped her.

What exactly do you need from a D/s relationship?
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Old 12-03-2014, 03:34 PM   #5
KoPilot
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You can't always get what you want, especially where love and sex partners are concerned.

I have immensely strong desires that will never ever in my life ever get met because they're physically impossible. How do I cope? I drink, I write, I cook, I do something else. I'm a trans person that will never have my gender be recognized by anyone who I don't specifically ask very nicely (and even then it's a crapshoot). How do I cope? I drink, I write, I cook, I do something else.

I've always had the strong desire to live alone, basically in the wilderness. No really, when I was a little kid I fantasized about living under overpasses or a cave in the mountains. I cope by gardening in cut up 2 liter bottles on the patio, walking everywhere, raising red worms, and practicing my fire drill skills. I also drink, write, cook, and do something else. You gotta have hope, but at the same time you can't let that hope consume you.

Distract the shit out of yourself until an opportunity comes along.
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Old 12-05-2014, 08:34 AM   #6
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Exclamation

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rain_child14 View Post
I'm not sure if this is the answer you are looking for, but personally, I had a Dom for a while, and I was in heaven. I loved the dominance, the control, everything that came with it...except I eventually started craving the more vanilla side to a relationship. I wanted the occasional cuddling, the hand-holding during a movie, etc. Not all the time, but I wanted a Dom that could be both, and he couldn't be. I found someone who is a dominant lover, not as dominant as I might like, but I also got the rest of the package so to speak.
I can't imagine a true dom not wanting to hold hands or cuddle/snuggle with his sub. I can understand a certain amount of "protocol" in D/s but IMHO a dom who does not understand all the needs of his sub is not a real dom but just "a taker" in a lopsided relationship.
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Old 12-05-2014, 11:24 AM   #7
IrisAlthea
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ArkansasPrimal View Post
I can't imagine a true dom not wanting to hold hands or cuddle/snuggle with his sub. I can understand a certain amount of "protocol" in D/s but IMHO a dom who does not understand all the needs of his sub is not a real dom but just "a taker" in a lopsided relationship.
Not everyone does these things the same way.
I see no reason to put down the way other people handle their interactions. They are just as true and real to them as your way is to you.
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Old 12-05-2014, 01:55 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CollarAndFeather View Post
Long story short; I have been without a Dom for too long & expect to be so for awhile longer for various reasons. (ditto on the romance & sex ends too, since I prefer that to all be the same person)

I'm managing somehow (through different means at different times), but I'm curious about what different ways other people have to cope with having to forgo their needs due to personal circumstance.

To be clear, I'm not talking about things that'd be really nice but that are just things we want (I'm sure most of us have a good list of those), or that you can reasonably placate without too much trouble (such as masturbating to quiet a libedo). I mean things that you think about constantly when deprived of, feel like a part of who you are, can't fill on your own, & that are taxing on your mental/emotional well-being to ignore.

This question is aimed mainly at subs and is focused on D/s needs, but others are of course, more than welcome to join.
Don't bother. People are boring and relationships are not worth the effort.
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Old 12-05-2014, 02:16 PM   #9
ArkansasPrimal
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This Is From My Experience not a Rant:

I'm not putting anyone down or judging anyone off handedly,

I don't care if the relationship is vanilla or of something in the D/s community.

It still boils down to fulfilling each others needs. That's what I'm talking about. Does not matter if it's a couple or some sort of poly relationship.

They need to communicate with each other or their relationship won't last for long if they won't meet each others needs. Or on the flip side think it's something that it is not.

I know couples in the local kink community that have long term relationships that have various different ways of expressing their love for each other. I also know others that just want something like a spanking, flogging or whatever at a play party and nothing more. But from people they know and trust. And to me that's all cool.

It still boils down to what the people involved in the relationship want out of that relationship.

And I will stand by what I say a Real Dom will tell a submissive that he/she is not what he/she is looking for if that is the truth. Be honest don't lie to get your jollies off from someone who is vulnerable.

Like it or not there are predatory people masking themselves as Doms or Subs and are out to use people for their own selfish needs to the emotional, physical and financial ruin of those taken in by them.

Same as "gold diggers" in vanilla life.
That's the reason we have Mentors,Protectors and just plain friends in the community who lookout for each other.

I will also add their are the newbies and the HNG's that are well meaning who are exploring and just need experience and guidance. But in a rush of emotion and hormones can both be damaged and/or unintentionally damage someone else.

Communicate, get to know each other, develop trust between each other.

I understand that this is an erotic literature site and that's cool for inspiration but I'm talking here about the real world where real lives are involved.

I just don't want anyone to be hurt in a bad way.

Always-"Safe, Sane and Consensual"

Last edited by ArkansasPrimal : 12-05-2014 at 02:19 PM.
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Old 12-05-2014, 07:55 PM   #10
IrisAlthea
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Just because people in a relationship find out that their needs weren't compatible, it doesn't mean that one or more of them are less than real or true.
Sometimes they made a misstake from the start other times they evolved and find out new things about themselves.

Sure, there are people who lie about what they need or are willing to offer just to get what they want, but I don't see any reason to jump to the conclusion that this was the case with the person you quoted.

Sorry OP, none of this has anything to do with your question.
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Old 12-05-2014, 08:17 PM   #11
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Surrender to the task of meeting your own needs as if your D had asked you to. Clean your life of the things that would prevent you from honoring and nurturing your best self on your D's behalf. Take a look at your life and find the places where you can expand to be your most genuine self more often.

When I am stumped on life stuffs, I lean into the idea of begin as you mean to continue. If you will live a certain way with this D in your life then make those changes now. What would you do differently when you wake up? How would self care and priorities for you change? How can you make space in your life for "them". Let this work be your devotion and fill the time you are waiting. You will learn a lot more about yourself and none of the efforts to love yourself more will be wasted.


Big hug and warmest wishes to you on your journey.
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Old 12-05-2014, 10:07 PM   #12
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Talking

Quote:
Originally Posted by IrisAlthea View Post
Just because people in a relationship find out that their needs weren't compatible, it doesn't mean that one or more of them are less than real or true.
Sometimes they made a misstake from the start other times they evolved and find out new things about themselves.

Sure, there are people who lie about what they need or are willing to offer just to get what they want, but I don't see any reason to jump to the conclusion that this was the case with the person you quoted.

Sorry OP, none of this has anything to do with your question.
I think I covered mistakes new people can make as well in my second post, unless you didn't notice. I also tried to offer some constructive advice and examples.

But if you think my comment was irrelevant okay fine. I was just trying to say that a relationship without clear communication between partners will not work or it will remain lopsided. With one or both people ending up miserable.

And I think we are having a "Failure to Communicate here" so I'm not wasting my time on this thread anymore.
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Old 12-07-2014, 10:47 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ArkansasPrimal View Post
I think I covered mistakes new people can make as well in my second post, unless you didn't notice. I also tried to offer some constructive advice and examples.

But if you think my comment was irrelevant okay fine. I was just trying to say that a relationship without clear communication between partners will not work or it will remain lopsided. With one or both people ending up miserable.

And I think we are having a "Failure to Communicate here" so I'm not wasting my time on this thread anymore.
OK, I'm really new here, and still reading my way through this board, but above seemed to be a bit rude to me, as it effectively killed the thread, and the OP's question.

A hissy fit over nothing to boot.
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Old 12-07-2014, 11:13 AM   #14
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Originally Posted by Pockle View Post
OK, I'm really new here, and still reading my way through this board, but above seemed to be a bit rude to me, as it effectively killed the thread, and the OP's question.

A hissy fit over nothing to boot.
Good call. Welcome to the BDSM Forum.
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Old 12-07-2014, 03:53 PM   #15
KoPilot
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Don't bother. People are boring and relationships are not worth the effort.
Do you seriously have nothing better to do? You're a worse troll than Primalex somehow.
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