Does this little piece of dialogue sound sweet, or is it just weak and pathetic?

Does this little piece of dialogue sound sweet, or is it just weak and pathetic?

Okay folks, just thought I’d run this by you…

I’m writing a story which is basically about the theme of “good girl gets deflowered by bad boy”.

So here’s the essence of the plot: the female protagonist is a sweet, innocent young woman, 21 years old. She happens to live in the United Kingdom, but she’s originally from a different country, a different culture (basically, she’s an immigrant). She comes from a cultural background that holds very “conservative” (or “prudish”) views towards matters relating to sex and sexuality. Against all odds, this sweet, innocent young woman gets seduced by a hot Italian hunk/stud – she loses her virginity to him.

Now I was writing a scene which is NOT of any great importance to the overall plot; however, it was something that just seemed like a good idea. Basically, the scene is about the female protagonist chatting to her female friends (who are much less “innocent” than she is), and one of them asks her – just a totally incidental question – how many children she’d like to have. The reason she asks this question is because the protagonist is a very sweet, kind-hearted person, who is really good at interacting and looking after kids, playing with them, etc. The protagonist replies she’d like to have “lots” of kids. Then she’s asked again… “but how many? Three? Five? Ten?” to which she replies, “Oh I don’t know… just… lots!” And then she is playfully teased with this line:

or maybe


…causing her to blush… She is then further teased with this line:

...or something like that.

The idea is that this scene occurs in the story before any of the sex scenes involving the protagonist, who actually happens to be the kind of young woman who’s actually very sweet and modest… she doesn’t really openly talk about sex or her own sexuality – she’s a very sweet and wholesome “good girl”… and I just thought that the idea of such a young woman being teased with suggestive remarks would sound, well, kind of “sweet” and “racy” at the same time…

Equally, I’m very aware that maybe it’s just flat, weak and pathetic, if not outright absurd…

I’D LOVE TO HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS, FOLKS!!!

erotica_n_s said:

Does this little piece of dialogue sound sweet, or is it just weak and pathetic?

Okay folks, just thought I’d run this by you…

I’m writing a story which is basically about the theme of “good girl gets deflowered by bad boy”.

So here’s the essence of the plot: the female protagonist is a sweet, innocent young woman, 21 years old. She happens to live in the United Kingdom, but she’s originally from a different country, a different culture (basically, she’s an immigrant). She comes from a cultural background that holds very “conservative” (or “prudish”) views towards matters relating to sex and sexuality. Against all odds, this sweet, innocent young woman gets seduced by a hot Italian hunk/stud – she loses her virginity to him.

Now I was writing a scene which is NOT of any great importance to the overall plot; however, it was something that just seemed like a good idea. Basically, the scene is about the female protagonist chatting to her female friends (who are much less “innocent” than she is), and one of them asks her – just a totally incidental question – how many children she’d like to have. The reason she asks this question is because the protagonist is a very sweet, kind-hearted person, who is really good at interacting and looking after kids, playing with them, etc. The protagonist replies she’d like to have “lots” of kids. Then she’s asked again… “but how many? Three? Five? Ten?” to which she replies, “Oh I don’t know… just… lots!” And then she is playfully teased with this line:

“Well then, you’ll need to have lots of sex, won’t you?”​

or maybe

“Well then, you’ll need to have lots of sex, you know…”​

…causing her to blush… She is then further teased with this line:

“That’s probably the most beautiful blush the world has ever seen, sweetie…”​

...or something like that.

The idea is that this scene occurs in the story before any of the sex scenes involving the protagonist, who actually happens to be the kind of young woman who’s actually very sweet and modest… she doesn’t really openly talk about sex or her own sexuality – she’s a very sweet and wholesome “good girl”… and I just thought that the idea of such a young woman being teased with suggestive remarks would sound, well, kind of “sweet” and “racy” at the same time…

Equally, I’m very aware that maybe it’s just flat, weak and pathetic, if not outright absurd…

I’D LOVE TO HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS, FOLKS!!!

Click to expand...

First, it's really not a bad idea. But, who is she talking with? And where does the scene take place?

Now, if she was with a group of women, doing laundry, or something along that lines, yes, I can see it working. In the pub with the publican, no, not really.

Don't try to force her along. And remember, it would be good natured teasing. It would make her blush, but not be overly uncomfortable.

"How many children do you want, Maria?"

Maria paused from her task and smiled. "Lots. I want lots and lots of bambinos."

The older woman smiled, "Oh, lots and lots, did you hear that ladies, our Maria wants lots and lots of little ones."

Florencia smiled a gap toothed smile, "Well, then she'll a strong man to give her all those littles one."

Maria blushed and lowered her eyes.

One of the other women giggle, "Aye, one with big muscles."

"Especially, a big love muscle."

She blushed even further when Ramona made a sound mimicing two bodies engaging sex, "And a strong bed, too."

Something along that lines....

Good luck and let us know how it shapes up!

Thanks ever so much for the feedback, D_K_Moon.

I'm SO PLEASED to have some constructive feedback, really, thanks ever so much!!!

I'm just slightly disappointed to have received only one response.

Although one person has voted on the "poll", expressing the view that the little passage was actually not just weak and pathetic, but also absurd/bizarre!

I posted this very same query on another discussion forum, and I received no responses at all. But on the poll there, there were two responses expressing the view that maybe the passage could work, depending on the rest of the story, whereas one respondent expressed the view that it was absurd/bizarre.

So it seems so far that there have been three "positive" responses (that's including D_K_Moon's feedback) and two negative responses.

I'm still hoping for a few more comments if possible, folks...

erotica_n_s said:

Thanks ever so much for the feedback, D_K_Moon.

I'm SO PLEASED to have some constructive feedback, really, thanks ever so much!!!

I'm just slightly disappointed to have received only one response.

Although one person has voted on the "poll", expressing the view that the little passage was actually not just weak and pathetic, but also absurd/bizarre!

I posted this very same query on another discussion forum, and I received no responses at all. But on the poll there, there were two responses expressing the view that maybe the passage could work, depending on the rest of the story, whereas one respondent expressed the view that it was absurd/bizarre.

So it seems so far that there have been three "positive" responses (that's including D_K_Moon's feedback) and two negative responses.

I'm still hoping for a few more comments if possible, folks...

Click to expand...

Quite honestly, I would never write/not write a passage based upon anonymous votes in a poll. Just write it and see how it works for the story.

It's not the dialogue so much as the "furniture." You can turn the "precious" dialogue into something sweet if you have solid narrative to go with it. If it's all quotation marks and he said/she said, well, then you're relying solely on the dialogue to provide energy to the scene, development to the characters, and for the reader to fully understand what the characters are thinking and feeling. This kind of thing tends to turn sweet, romantic dialogue into the syrupy, precious crap people don't like very much.

If you have good narrative alongside of the dialogue, then you can have your sweet, romantic dialogue and believable characterization at the same time. (As DK Moon demonstrated.) Allow the characters to not only speak, but to show the reader what they feel. Don't write things like, she said nervously, but things like: she didn't know what to do with her hands and nibbled on her lip. This shows the reader she's nervous, rather than tells her. It adds character depth and dimension to the dialogue, which in turns gives the scene that something you're looking for to make your dialogue powerful rather than wimpy.

Agreeing completely with Killer and DK, can I expand a bit. If you say your scene isn't important to the plot, why is it there? There is little time to add frills to a short story.

However, I got the impression it was important. You needed to bring this slightly naive and prudish girl down from a mindset of strollers, diapers and squeaky toys to think about the erotic implications of making babies. Surely the scene needs what others have suggested, some explanation between the dialogue of how she gets so embarrassed with girly talk of sex set against her feelings.

Greybeards here often talk about 'show don't tell' to encourage dialogue over narration, which is usually right. I just think here the contrast between banal but pointed dialogue and what's going through the protag's head might give you the chance to let you examine her feelings and prepare her for sex with her Italian stallion.

.




Okay, so here's another one.

A woman who has been desperate to get pregnant has sex with a group of four men. Each of them takes turns enjoying her, savouring her at leisurely pace, each of them kissing, caressing, fondling, sucking, and vaginally penetrating her, each man to his hearts content, for a good six hours...

Returning home from the sex session, she tells her husband what happened (with the intention of humiliating him)... and one of the things she says to him -

"... and they enjoyed me like a prostitute..."

She sees the humiliation and anguish on his face, and also notices that it feels good to say it, so says it again, slowly, with "relish"...

"... they enjoyed me... like a PROS...TITUTE..."

In actual fact, her husband doesn't deserve this - he's been a loving husband, and has wanted nothing more than for his wife to be happy... Even though it broke his heart, he gave his consent for his wife to engage in sex with other men for the purpose of getting pregnant...

But she went through a lot to get this far, went through a lot of emotional pain... but now that she believes she has a good chance of becoming pregnant, she feels relief, but she wants to inflict pain on her husband - EVEN THOUGH none of this is his fault... it's just the rage that has been building inside her all these months and years, rage at his infertility and inability to impregnate her... she has little regard for the fact that he actually eventually consented to her sexual activity with other men - she wants to hurt him as hard as she possibly can... and that's why she says the line to him, she knows it will stay with him for a long time, and she imagines it's going to hurt him, and to her own disbelief, she actually enjoys saying it, quite likes the idea, so she says it nice and slow, watching his face, watching the tears welling up in his eyes, his utterly helpless humiliation, watching his heart shatter into a million pieces, she says...

"... they enjoyed me like a PROS... TI... TUTE..."


And she takes immense, cruel delight in knowing how unbearably painful it must be for him to hear that...

The point is though that she pretends she is dumbstruck at the events and pretends she is simply telling him what happened - the scene is such that her husband has been waiting anxiously for her to return, as it is he is devastated that she has been having group sex with four other men to get pregnant, but he gave his consent because he wanted her to be happy - when she returns, she seems dazed and mentally disorientated - as though the experience of the previous six hours has been so intensely overwhelming that she is no longer in her senses - she walks in through the front door, and with a seemingly blank stare, she starts telling him what happened... knowing fully well that she is only adding to his anguish, his unbearable mental trauma - but again he listens - helplessly, because he believes she needs to talk... she pretends as though she is too dazed to realize the effect her words are having on him - although in actual fact, of course she knows exactly what she is doing...

And I just wonder if you think it's interesting, or is it just plain absurd?





.

Your muse drops an idea for a paragraph every four years?

sr71plt said:

Your muse drops an idea for a paragraph every four years?

Click to expand...

Some muses are real sluggards. My muse is currently in slo-mo. More Irish coffee is needed.

Hypoxia said:

Some muses are real sluggards. My muse is currently in slo-mo. More Irish coffee is needed.

Click to expand...

Mine is in overdrive. It's shoved a story a day at me for the last more than a week and I also have e-books to get out.

.

sr71plt said:

Your muse drops an idea for a paragraph every four years?

Click to expand...

Any idea how frustrating it is for me to want to write, and struggle to find the time to do so?

Unfortunately I'm not a professional writer...


Anyway, that said, would appreciate thoughts on whether you think that line works, i.e. can you imagine a woman saying something like that - taking pleasure in demeaning herself and thereby inflicting humiliation on her husband - bullying him...





.

If they took their time, fondled her was good to her enjoyed her....

The Prostitute doesn't fit. You don't linger and enjoy a prostitute you fuck their brains out.

So if they were good to her and she is looking to humiliate him how about something simple like

"They loved me in a way you never could. Every one of them satisfied me more than you ever have."

Something along those lines would work better. If they treated her like a pig or a slut then your line would work.

Hope that helps.

The problem you're going to run into here is that we all create worlds inside our heads - yours is quite different to mine - this is true of the world we inhabit as well as the ones we imagine.

Your characters say what they say, do what they do, and feel what they feel - it's up to you to make sure that what they're saying, feeling and doing is the same on the page as it is in your mind. You're writing your story not mine.

Don't second guess yourself and don't try to force your characters into behaviours that don't feel right. I can't guarantee that if you write the story you're happiest with, it will be massively popular, but I can guarantee that if you go for what is massively popular you won't create much of merit. McDonalds churn out millions of burgers a day; Generic boy bands churn out hundreds of records a year - the world would be a better place if they stopped. Mass appeal is a subtle blend of utter mediocrity and clever marketing. It's nothing to aspire to. Write the story how you think it should go. I guarantee you someone besides you will love it - That's who you're writing it for.

Sure, it can work. Anything can work if you lay the foundation. Sometimes your job as the author of erotica is to take that kinky, outlandish idea and dress it up just enough to let the reader suspend disbelief. Not everyone will appreciate it, but like Bert said the reader who shares your kink will have a great time.

"But won't you have to have lot's of sex?" sounds more natural. I can see it because it contains a hint that the speaker sees sex as a chore to be fullfilled, (as many women do) whereas the girl in the story is learning the joy of sex.