Newbie here, looking for advice

[KissKitt]

I am currently exploring my submissive side and am looking for an online Master. I have extremely limited experience with being a sub, and would like a little information on what may be asked of me by a Master/Dom. I have seen a few subs and Doms in online chat rooms and the interactive dynamics intrigue me. I'm so inexperienced that I don't even really know what questions toask, so any advice is welcome. Also, please feel free to PM me. Thanks to anyone who posts.

[BLoved]

Find the one whose love for you inspires you to be your best, the one whose best your love inspires.

When you find that one, begin your exploration of bdsm.

Trust no other with your heart, your mind, your body or your soul.

Follow these simple instructions and you will know all there is to know about love, bdsm, yourself and your beloved.

Ignore them and experience the abuse of strangers.

The choice is yours.

[JtohisPB]

I understand how you're feeling right now; I found myself feeling similarly curious about a year and a half ago. There's a wealth of information on this site ~ I suggest reading through the BDSM library (found here: http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=266656) and exploring BDSM checklists (which you can google). Find out what intrigues you and start from there.

If someone comes along and starts "Dominating" you without any period of getting to know one another, he's not likely the right one for you.

[FurryFury]

My advice would be to find your local scene instead of doing online.

If you do online be very careful with your real information. Don't give out your phone number, address or any pics of you, including cam stuff.

In person it's easier to see what things are really like, who a person is and much more. Munches are great for just meeting people. Demos are great for learning about safe ways to do things and sometimes for trying things. If you are a public play kind of person, which I am not, play parties are good for that.

[KissKitt]

Originally Posted by FurryFury

My advice would be to find your local scene instead of doing online.

If you do online be very careful with your real information. Don't give out your phone number, address or any pics of you, including cam stuff.

In person it's easier to see what things are really like, who a person is and much more. Munches are great for just meeting people. Demos are great for learning about safe ways to do things and sometimes for trying things. If you are a public play kind of person, which I am not, play parties are good for that.

Unfortunately, there isn't a local BDSM scene where I live. I'm in BFE

[chy_girl]

Originally Posted by KissKitt

Unfortunately, there isn't a local BDSM scene where I live. I'm in BFE

Have you checked Fetlife to see if there's a munch or something within driving distance? Even if it isn't a community large enough to have lots of get-togethers or a local play place, it's usually helpful to befriend a few people close by. It was for me anyways.

[KissKitt]

Originally Posted by chy_girl

Have you checked Fetlife to see if there's a munch or something within driving distance? Even if it isn't a community large enough to have lots of get-togethers or a local play place, it's usually helpful to befriend a few people close by. It was for me anyways.

The closest city to me is about 100 miles away. But thanks, I'll check out Fetlife anyway :]

[fuckmeat]

Hi there

I've tried the whole online exploration thing a few times and I have to say that it's left me disappointed and even less sure of what I want/need. You have to have no expectations and you have to accept that people are going to be economical with the truth about themselves if it means getting a change to control you sexually. As a sub, you have to be very honest in order to get anything out of it because the dom has to trust that you're being obedient. This means you're baring your soul to someone you've never met, who may or may not be levelling with you about any aspect of his/her life. So there are a lot of pitfalls. Also, I have found that using any kind of toy/implement/play on yourself (albeit at another's instruction) feels completely different to having another person actually play with you. So the things you think you're actually learning about yourself may be inaccurate.

I know online BDSM works for some people or there wouldn't be so many sites and devotees. You should be aware of the limitations though, as well as the pitfalls of developing feelings for a person's swaggering net persona. Guard your personal info jealously and don't be duped into parting with explicit or identifying material of yourself. Even just sat in front of your computer, it's possible to end up feeling used and even violated if you are persuaded into stuff you're not comfortable with.

Anyway, sorry to be so negative but the worst thing you can do is go into an online dynamic all doe eyed and aching to trust. Be savvy and discerning with a fine tuned BS-O-Meter. It'll pay off in the end.

[KissKitt]

Looked up the dinky town I live in and found only 5 other people, and they're all about 15-20 years older than me, and no one else anywhere nearby But it was a good idea.

[chy_girl]

Originally Posted by KissKitt

Looked up the dinky town I live in and found only 5 other people, and they're all about 15-20 years older than me, and no one else anywhere nearby But it was a good idea.

It's worth a try to make friends with them anyways. There's more than a few people in my local community who don't do Fetlife.

The local community may be much larger than what your seeing. Some people have to keep this area of their life very quiet because of work or parenting issues, but it doesn't necessarily mean they're inactive. And where your BFE is located can provide even more incentive to keep this kind of lifestyle choice quiet.

Remember, not all aspects of the BDSM community are laid out for the world to see. There are some things (like mailing lists and certain get-togethers) that will require you having met and talked to people first.

Besides, making new friends isn't a bad thing.

Just my $.02

[FurryFury]

People always say, there isn't a local scene. There almost always is. Getting to know people in the local scene can be great. You can actually talk with people that won't turn against you for being who you are for a change. They might even know things you don't and you might learn from it. Who knows, they might know people too that are more your age.

*hug*

[KissKitt]

Originally Posted by FurryFury

People always say, there isn't a local scene. There almost always is. Getting to know people in the local scene can be great. You can actually talk with people that won't turn against you for being who you are for a change. They might even know things you don't and you might learn from it. Who knows, they might know people too that are more your age.

*hug*

I think you might be right about that. I'll take your advice, thanks very much.

-hugs back-

[FurryFury]

Good. Let us know how it goes too, okay?

[KissKitt]

Will do. I think I might have found a good Master for online. He's been very kind to me so far, and we're getting to know each other. It's going well, and he lives in the same general area as me, so if we decide to meet skin to skin we can, but I'm going to be extremel careful.

[Daddy2mylilgirl]

Originally Posted by KissKitt

Will do. I think I might have found a good Master for online. He's been very kind to me so far, and we're getting to know each other. It's going well, and he lives in the same general area as me, so if we decide to meet skin to skin we can, but I'm going to be extremel careful.

One bit of advice, don't do anything you are not completely comfortable doing just because he is a "Master" and you are a "sub". Don't let him or any other Dom tell you that you are being a "bad" sub because you won't do something that you don't feel comfortable doing.

Just take things slow, build trust and respect, and make sure that BOTH of you communicate.

Have fun.

[KissKitt]

Thanks

[catalina_francisco]

From what I have heard, online chat rooms are notorious for pretenders and fakes, so probably not the best place to look if inexperienced or seriously looking for someone. Online in itself need not be a bad experience if you keep your head on and are able to read between the lines when necessary. Going to parties, munches etc., are great if you are confident enough to do that alone; socially motivated in regular life, and have access to something legitimate and healthy locally. For me it was not a way I felt comfortable with, and must admit from what I hear from others and my own personal feelings, it would still feel too much like a meat market and stressful in a social sense.

I met F online, and after a few months of talking about anything and everything (not just BDSM etc., related topics), he traveled the necessary 16,000kms to meet, and we married a couple of weeks later. This year will be our 8th year together, and we still feel it is the best decision we made in our lives.

While it is true that speaking face to face with someone you may be able to read what they are like etc., it is not always necesarily so. Many have been fooled just as easily as those who have met online. The advantage I found with online was you could easily check just how trustworthy someone you were talking to was, simply by using another name and chatting with them. It was amazing how easy it was to trap someone in their lies when they didn't realise it was me they were really chatting with. At the time, I usually knew who would disappoint me and who would prove to be genuine. LOL, it was also amusing to see them try and backtrack after telling my alter ego online that they were not involved with anyone, flirting outrageously (and usually more), and interested in exploring a relationship while telling the real me the exact same thing. Fortunately, when I tried it with F he didn't even slip up an inch and politely explained he had found the person he wanted and wished my alter ego luck in finding theirs.

Best advice is to read plenty, be honest with yourself and others about what you want, keep an open mind, and remember that trust is earned, not given because it is demanded by someone claiming to be a Dominant.

Catalina

[KissKitt]

Originally Posted by catalina_francisco

From what I have heard, online chat rooms are notorious for pretenders and fakes, so probably not the best place to look if inexperienced or seriously looking for someone. Online in itself need not be a bad experience if you keep your head on and are able to read between the lines when necessary. Going to parties, munches etc., are great if you are confident enough to do that alone; socially motivated in regular life, and have access to something legitimate and healthy locally. For me it was not a way I felt comfortable with, and must admit from what I hear from others and my own personal feelings, it would still feel too much like a meat market and stressful in a social sense.

I met F online, and after a few months of talking about anything and everything (not just BDSM etc., related topics), he traveled the necessary 16,000kms to meet, and we married a couple of weeks later. This year will be our 8th year together, and we still feel it is the best decision we made in our lives.

While it is true that speaking face to face with someone you may be able to read what they are like etc., it is not always necesarily so. Many have been fooled just as easily as those who have met online. The advantage I found with online was you could easily check just how trustworthy someone you were talking to was, simply by using another name and chatting with them. It was amazing how easy it was to trap someone in their lies when they didn't realise it was me they were really chatting with. At the time, I usually knew who would disappoint me and who would prove to be genuine. LOL, it was also amusing to see them try and backtrack after telling my alter ego online that they were not involved with anyone, flirting outrageously (and usually more), and interested in exploring a relationship while telling the real me the exact same thing. Fortunately, when I tried it with F he didn't even slip up an inch and politely explained he had found the person he wanted and wished my alter ego luck in finding theirs.

Best advice is to read plenty, be honest with yourself and others about what you want, keep an open mind, and remember that trust is earned, not given because it is demanded by someone claiming to be a Dominant.

Catalina

I can only hope that I will be as lucky as you have. And thanks a lot, I never would have guessed that I could use an alter ego for online purposes! Great Idea! ^.^

[Primalex]

Originally Posted by catalina_francisco

The advantage I found with online was you could easily check just how trustworthy someone you were talking to was, simply by using another name and chatting with them. It was amazing how easy it was to trap someone in their lies when they didn't realise it was me they were really chatting with.

I always wondered what kind of woman would hire those professional infidelity baits.

[FurryFury]

Originally Posted by Primalex

I always wondered what kind of woman would hire those professional infidelity baits.

Yeah, I know. Why pay someone to do it for you when you can DIY?

[Primalex]

Originally Posted by FurryFury

Yeah, I know. Why pay someone to do it for you when you can DIY?

I guess there are still relationships that don't start online. Weird, I know.

[FurryFury]

Originally Posted by Primalex

I guess there are still relationships that don't start online. Weird, I know.

WTF? What are people thinking meeting in real life?

*shakes head sadly*

[catalina_francisco]

Better to have met online, and managed to find a successful R/L relationship by doing so, than to spend year after year fantasising, frsutrated and wishing, and still not getting what you want...or worse, enduring the drunken or plain lecherous pawing or ogling of horny hopefuls just so you can say you met face to face first. Give me frank and open talking with a successful outcome and without the added distraction of the physical anyday. Ah, but what would I know?

Catalina

[Primalex]

Originally Posted by catalina_francisco

Give me frank and open talking with a successful outcome and without the added distraction of the physical anyday.

And luckily he didn't mind that you tried to lure him into a trap.

[KissKitt]

lol, good to know I'm not screwing up by wanting to meet a Dom online first.