Keroin
aKwatic
- Joined
- Jan 8, 2009
- Posts
- 8,154
A number of things triggered this thread for me.
First, reading a brief discussion of M/D-type vulnerability and s-type reactions to such, in Eastern Sun’s, always inspiring, “Marks of a Slave” thread.
Second, the chapter I am currently writing and revising. In which, one very strong and capable protagonist “lowers” herself for the other protagonist – and enjoys it.
Third, (deep breath), my own struggle to accept weakness, or what I perceive as weakness, in myself and others.
Fourth, a letter I received today from a former co-worker/boss/friend, with whom I had a falling out several years ago and to whom I sent an apology about a year ago.
I think it was the last instance that really started the gears grinding. My reaction to the letter was instantly aggressive, defensive and hackle-raising. It took a conscious effort to calm myself and re-read with an open mind. This I did and was shocked, on the second reading, to see that there was nothing in the letter deserving of my initial reaction. In fact, most of the comments were spot on and were not an invocation of blame, merely an expression of feelings.
When I asked myself why I’d reacted so harshly, the answer was an unpleasant one.
To acknowledge the truth of what my friend was saying was, in my mind, to admit to my own weakness. I hate being weak. I hate it more than just about anything. And this hatred I feel extends to the weakness I see or imagine in others - to a lesser degree but, still, it exists.
And it’s disturbing, to me, when I sit back and take stock of how very many behaviors I consider “weak”.
Yeah, it’s a very ugly part of me and one I’m not proud of.
And yet…
It’s gotten me through the darker moments of my life. I have a strong survival instinct and my fear/loathing of weakness is a key component of that. To abandon the part of me that always slaps my face and screams, “Be a man!”, (in the voice of Marlon Brando, from The Godfather, I should add – and yes, I know I’m not a man), well, that scares the hell out of me. I don't think I could function without that facet of my personality.
But here’s the thing…what is it? What is real weakness, what is real strength? Does it bother other people to be weak? Do they even think or care about strength or weakness? Does it matter?
I know, this thread is a bunch of babbling and navel gazing but this is something I’m arm wrestling with right now.
Blah, blah, blah…
First, reading a brief discussion of M/D-type vulnerability and s-type reactions to such, in Eastern Sun’s, always inspiring, “Marks of a Slave” thread.
Second, the chapter I am currently writing and revising. In which, one very strong and capable protagonist “lowers” herself for the other protagonist – and enjoys it.
Third, (deep breath), my own struggle to accept weakness, or what I perceive as weakness, in myself and others.
Fourth, a letter I received today from a former co-worker/boss/friend, with whom I had a falling out several years ago and to whom I sent an apology about a year ago.
I think it was the last instance that really started the gears grinding. My reaction to the letter was instantly aggressive, defensive and hackle-raising. It took a conscious effort to calm myself and re-read with an open mind. This I did and was shocked, on the second reading, to see that there was nothing in the letter deserving of my initial reaction. In fact, most of the comments were spot on and were not an invocation of blame, merely an expression of feelings.
When I asked myself why I’d reacted so harshly, the answer was an unpleasant one.
To acknowledge the truth of what my friend was saying was, in my mind, to admit to my own weakness. I hate being weak. I hate it more than just about anything. And this hatred I feel extends to the weakness I see or imagine in others - to a lesser degree but, still, it exists.
And it’s disturbing, to me, when I sit back and take stock of how very many behaviors I consider “weak”.
Yeah, it’s a very ugly part of me and one I’m not proud of.
And yet…
It’s gotten me through the darker moments of my life. I have a strong survival instinct and my fear/loathing of weakness is a key component of that. To abandon the part of me that always slaps my face and screams, “Be a man!”, (in the voice of Marlon Brando, from The Godfather, I should add – and yes, I know I’m not a man), well, that scares the hell out of me. I don't think I could function without that facet of my personality.
But here’s the thing…what is it? What is real weakness, what is real strength? Does it bother other people to be weak? Do they even think or care about strength or weakness? Does it matter?
I know, this thread is a bunch of babbling and navel gazing but this is something I’m arm wrestling with right now.
Blah, blah, blah…