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Old 03-27-2010, 05:44 PM   #51
UnderYourSpell
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CharleyH View Post
I've got to get in on these challenges sooner than later, damn me! Some great reads here, and a fab challenge to boot, Annie!
Thankyou kind lady you've run out of time on this one but there should be another along shortly!
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Blessed are the cracked for it is they that let in the light
They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient.
But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.
If at first you don't succeed....skydiving is not for you ....
If you don't pay your exorcist .... do you get repossessed?
I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
....But I, being poor, have only my dreams, I have spread my dreams under your feet,Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.......
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Old 03-29-2010, 10:29 AM   #52
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tzara View Post
Revanchist Theology

What's ours must be retaken soon
or be forever lost,
says God
of territory, wealth, and love
we can't afford to lose. Don't brood
about some accidental blood

left drying on the pavement.
God
instructs us, His devoted brood,
to cache His weapons. Someday soon
He'll call upon our Faith and Love
to swaddle cartridges in blood,

becalm the homeland of our brood
and live in Harmony and Love,
for our God is an active God.
We pray; He placates us that soon
we'll bathe our babes in heathen's blood—

at least, so preach our priests. Our love,
our Holy Love, grows anxious. Soon
we waver and begin to brood,
begin to wish another God,
a God whose mouth and eyes spout blood,

will walk across a lake of blood
toward the Homeland and that soon
we'll reinherit Wealth and Love
once stolen from our blood and brood.
We'll grow a God to kill their god.


.
I have no idea what your title means to be honest perhaps I should google it!

It doesn't read at all as if you have had to put words in any special place because it reads so smoothly and I can't fault it. The strength carried me from beginning to end and if anything left me wanting more. If I must search for something then I would say there is more about God than guns but that's a very minor quibble
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Blessed are the cracked for it is they that let in the light
They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient.
But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.
If at first you don't succeed....skydiving is not for you ....
If you don't pay your exorcist .... do you get repossessed?
I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
....But I, being poor, have only my dreams, I have spread my dreams under your feet,Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.......
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Old 03-29-2010, 10:44 AM   #53
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UnderYourSpell View Post
I have no idea what your title means to be honest perhaps I should google it!

It doesn't read at all as if you have had to put words in any special place because it reads so smoothly and I can't fault it. The strength carried me from beginning to end and if anything left me wanting more. If I must search for something then I would say there is more about God than guns but that's a very minor quibble
absolutely!
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Old 03-29-2010, 10:55 AM   #54
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Palba_Noruda View Post
Two teens were shot dead. Who
went to the funeral, Victor, what
did you wear did you wear a fedora why
did you look at the I Ching, Victor, when
the Bible was right there where

did you sit on the bus, Victor, what
did you do on the weekend when
you went to the city, Victor, who
did you see don't you see why
I want to know I want to know where

you saw me and yes I'd like to know when
you left the funeral I'd like to know why
you wore a fedora I'd like to know what
building you entered in the city, Victor, who
do you think you're fooling I know where

you went what I want to know is why
are your friends in those boxes, Victor, who
entered that building why enter that building when
you had money in your pocket, Victor, what
did you want, Victor, did you want to be where

I could see you did you sit on the bus where
anyone could see you I know who
you gave your money to why
not to your friends, Victor, when
they needed it? Because what?
I can quite honestly say this made my head spin and I don't really know what to say or where to begin!

Different punctuation might have made it sound less like a runaway train although the concept is a very clever one. I think your choice of end words definitely make for the need of more question marks and I am not sure if a poem that is one big question works so well in this form.
I thankyou very much for giving it a go though and jumping in the deep end with this sort of form takes a certain type of bravery or is that lunacy?!!
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Blessed are the cracked for it is they that let in the light
They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient.
But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.
If at first you don't succeed....skydiving is not for you ....
If you don't pay your exorcist .... do you get repossessed?
I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
....But I, being poor, have only my dreams, I have spread my dreams under your feet,Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.......
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Old 03-29-2010, 11:23 AM   #55
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Quote:
Originally Posted by EroticOrogeny View Post
I long to lie with my love
I hear the beat of my heart
My feelings begin to gun
propelled by my passion’s play
I rise to romance my rose.

Happily hug, heart to heart
peel panties, prepared to play
Come together now in love
Exposed, you gaze on my gun
I bring you a bright red rose.

Provide partner pleasure play
You grab my great growing gun
by your breasts I hear your heart
You lie, I lap liquid love
cocked, my rigid rifle rose

Open, I holster my gun
Move together making love
penetrate in potent play
sated sighs, hot heaving heart
romance, ravish your pink rose

Ruddy release, glow in rose
liquids let loose, lie with love.
Little and limp, my empty gun
last scene of our private play.
Cuddle, caress, hold with heart.


Who would have thought a rose could be used with so many meanings I will never look at one in quite the same way again!

In some places you move to the next line with a capital letter sometimes you don't, you need to either be consistent or change your punctuation. By cutting it back to the quick I think has taken out the flow of the piece in some places. If you cut back too far it can read like a list of ideas before you actually put the poem together.

I am glad someone else has written an erotic Annikey even though comparing the penis to a gun is a bit clichéd, but I am often guilty of the same so it doesn't count against you!
It is obviously a love poem as well as being erotic and very intimate, something to be shared and whispered across the pillow
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Blessed are the cracked for it is they that let in the light
They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient.
But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.
If at first you don't succeed....skydiving is not for you ....
If you don't pay your exorcist .... do you get repossessed?
I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
....But I, being poor, have only my dreams, I have spread my dreams under your feet,Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.......
Nil Caborundum illigitimi
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Old 03-29-2010, 11:58 AM   #56
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Judge's choice
1 Tzara
joint 2nd Champ and Chipbutty
everyone else 4th
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Blessed are the cracked for it is they that let in the light
They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient.
But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.
If at first you don't succeed....skydiving is not for you ....
If you don't pay your exorcist .... do you get repossessed?
I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
....But I, being poor, have only my dreams, I have spread my dreams under your feet,Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.......
Nil Caborundum illigitimi
Sestina slut
Annie submits

Last edited by UnderYourSpell : 03-29-2010 at 11:59 AM. Reason: 4
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Old 03-29-2010, 12:09 PM   #57
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i have to admit to Tzara's being my fave too, Annie

this was a really interesting challenge for me to take part in. thanks!
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Old 03-29-2010, 12:14 PM   #58
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chipbutty View Post
i have to admit to Tzara's being my fave too, Annie

this was a really interesting challenge for me to take part in. thanks!
Kindly go and pull some names out of hats I don't mind setting the challenge but the critiques are a no noooooooooo
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Blessed are the cracked for it is they that let in the light
They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient.
But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.
If at first you don't succeed....skydiving is not for you ....
If you don't pay your exorcist .... do you get repossessed?
I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
....But I, being poor, have only my dreams, I have spread my dreams under your feet,Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.......
Nil Caborundum illigitimi
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Old 03-29-2010, 12:23 PM   #59
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UnderYourSpell View Post
Kindly go and pull some names out of hats I don't mind setting the challenge but the critiques are a no noooooooooo
well charley's one's still current ... i'll ask if anyone else is up to springing one on us
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Old 03-29-2010, 03:35 PM   #60
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UnderYourSpell View Post
I have no idea what your title means to be honest perhaps I should google it!
re·vanche (r-vänch, -väsh)
n.
1. The act of retaliating; revenge.
2. A usually political policy, as of a nation or an ethnic group, intended to regain lost territory or standing.

I came across the word in reading The Spy Who Came in from the Cold, where it is used as a kind of Communist political jargon as part of an East German court proceeding, so kind of quaint and icky at the same time.

That was kind of a fun challenge, UYS. Thanks.

BTW, I personally liked GM's poem the best. It's quite exceptional.
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Old 03-29-2010, 07:09 PM   #61
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UnderYourSpell View Post
I can quite honestly say this made my head spin
I'll take that as a compliment. Thank you for the feedback.
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Old 03-29-2010, 08:53 PM   #62
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Quote:
Originally Posted by champagne1982 View Post
guns don't kill, bullets do

.
I like that you know your shit about guns and shooting

Quote:
Originally Posted by chipbutty View Post
c-c-c-culture versus nature
I like the narrative nature of each stanza and the rhymes

Quote:
Originally Posted by greenmountaineer View Post
You be rockin’ all night long
I like the word play and the attitude of the speaker comes through for me in the last couple stanzas when she gets into his home life LOL

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tzara View Post
Revanchist Theology
I like the line breaks of this one, it reads so smooth and just seems effortless to read...


EDIT: I GUESS THEY WON'T LET YOU QUOTE YOURSELF. THIS IS A COMMENT ON MY OWN POEM:

Next time avoid more than one question per line

Quote:
Originally Posted by UnderYourSpell View Post
( @ )( @ )
Nice boobs

Quote:
Originally Posted by EroticOrogeny View Post
I long to lie with my love
.
I liked the metaphor... Guns are sooo phallic. I once read a magazine article where a guy talked about cleaning his barrel, letting it soak in oil while he went in and ate his dinner, then coming back to the garage and finishing the job. I found that very funny. And I can't believe they actually refer to bullets as "loads"

Last edited by Palba_Noruda : 03-30-2010 at 12:24 AM.
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Old 03-29-2010, 09:44 PM   #63
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UnderYourSpell View Post
Who would have thought a rose could be used with so many meanings I will never look at one in quite the same way again!

In some places you move to the next line with a capital letter sometimes you don't, you need to either be consistent or change your punctuation. By cutting it back to the quick I think has taken out the flow of the piece in some places. If you cut back too far it can read like a list of ideas before you actually put the poem together.

I am glad someone else has written an erotic Annikey even though comparing the penis to a gun is a bit clichéd, but I am often guilty of the same so it doesn't count against you!
It is obviously a love poem as well as being erotic and very intimate, something to be shared and whispered across the pillow
Thanks. I tried to go with different senses for each word. And I didn't want to cheat by using 'begun' with 'gun'
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Old 04-04-2010, 08:12 AM   #64
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This was an excellent challenge, UYS. I finally got around to writing one of these things.
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Old 04-04-2010, 08:58 PM   #65
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Wow you are another one who can the poem flow so smoothly nobody would realise the repetitions were there ..... although I did notice the loved/unloved etc gentle/gently slave/enslaved
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Blessed are the cracked for it is they that let in the light
They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient.
But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.
If at first you don't succeed....skydiving is not for you ....
If you don't pay your exorcist .... do you get repossessed?
I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
....But I, being poor, have only my dreams, I have spread my dreams under your feet,Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.......
Nil Caborundum illigitimi
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Old 04-05-2010, 04:49 PM   #66
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Quote:
Originally Posted by UnderYourSpell View Post
Wow you are another one who can the poem flow so smoothly nobody would realise the repetitions were there ..... although I did notice the loved/unloved etc gentle/gently slave/enslaved
That's the nicest thing anyone said to me all week. Well, second nicest, maybe but still really nice.
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Old 04-05-2010, 04:57 PM   #67
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Originally Posted by PandoraGlitters View Post
That's the nicest thing anyone said to me all week. Well, second nicest, maybe but still really nice.
Well I'll add to it then and this is sincere and the whole truth ..... if I could write half as good as you I would be truly happy, yours is a gift I wish was mine
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Blessed are the cracked for it is they that let in the light
They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient.
But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.
If at first you don't succeed....skydiving is not for you ....
If you don't pay your exorcist .... do you get repossessed?
I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
....But I, being poor, have only my dreams, I have spread my dreams under your feet,Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.......
Nil Caborundum illigitimi
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Old 04-05-2010, 07:20 PM   #68
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I love your poems, Annie. You really amazed me many times during Survivor.
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Old 04-05-2010, 07:28 PM   #69
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PandoraGlitters View Post
I love your poems, Annie. You really amazed me many times during Survivor.
Awwwww thankyou but I was struggling at the end and it wiped me out for a while
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Blessed are the cracked for it is they that let in the light
They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient.
But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.
If at first you don't succeed....skydiving is not for you ....
If you don't pay your exorcist .... do you get repossessed?
I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
....But I, being poor, have only my dreams, I have spread my dreams under your feet,Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.......
Nil Caborundum illigitimi
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Old 11-26-2012, 09:40 PM   #70
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Actually, bumping this thread for UYS
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Old 11-26-2012, 09:46 PM   #71
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what a clever girl you are thank you ....... on reading back it's a wonder nobody questioned my sanity!
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Blessed are the cracked for it is they that let in the light
They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient.
But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.
If at first you don't succeed....skydiving is not for you ....
If you don't pay your exorcist .... do you get repossessed?
I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
....But I, being poor, have only my dreams, I have spread my dreams under your feet,Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.......
Nil Caborundum illigitimi
Sestina slut
Annie submits
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