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BBWSubGrrrrl

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Joined
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Posts
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OK, so I'm sure this has probably been discussed ad nauseum on this board, but I honestly dont have the patience to sift through all the old posts, so here it goes again....

I would like to get some other opinions about the definition of 'hard limit' vs. 'soft limit'.

IMO a 'hard' limit is a line that will NEVER be crossed, not for any reason and would never require the use of a safe word to avoid. If the line is crossed or attempted this would signal a lack of respect on my partners part, and most likely end the association as that person obviously cannot be trusted.


Conversely, a 'soft' limit is a line that is blurry and open for interpretation or coersion/manipulation. This would be more of a preference than a limit per se.

I would be very interested in hearing opinions on this subject from both the Dom and sub pov.
 
Yes!!! The sequel! JMohegan and midwestyankee in... Die Hard (Limits) 2.

It's the feel-good manipulation-assfuck buddy movie of the year.

This film has not yet been rated.
 
DeepGreenEyes said:
I'm sorry. That was a bit mean of me. You just stumbled into the board amidst the tail end of a hefty, days-long thread on this very subject. It got a little testy!
Click to expand...

I have noticed that people here tend to go off on insignificant mistakes/comments/differences of opinion, so i can understand your frusteration if that is the case here. I had no desire to instigate anything, just an honest curiosity for a few opinions.
 
and wow ... it seems like that thread turned from an honest question to a personal battle ...

I hope it doesn't get dragged here.
 
You know what pisses me off? Everyone's always talking about hard limits and soft limits, well what about medium limits? Have those just gone out the window? Do we not care about medium limits anymore?

OH, and by the way, Starbucks is now starting a chain of BDSM outlets so from now on they will be known as Tall, Grande and Venti limits.
 
Last edited:
BBWSubGrrrrl said:
and wow ... it seems like that thread turned from an honest question to a personal battle ...

I hope it doesn't get dragged here.
Click to expand...

There are some really interesting and honest opinions in that thread; if you read through it, you'll probably get a good overview of the range of opinion, Dom and sub, on the issue. Additionally, you may want to take a look in the BDSM Library sticky thread, anchored in the list of threads.
 
DeepGreenEyes said:
There are some really interesting and honest opinions in that thread; if you read through it, you'll probably get a good overview of the range of opinion, Dom and sub, on the issue. Additionally, you may want to take a look in the BDSM Library sticky thread, anchored in the list of threads.
Click to expand...

Thank you, I will do that.
 
Keroin said:
You know what pisses me off? Everyone's always talking about hard limits and soft limits, well what about medium limits? Have those just gone out the window? Do we not care about medium limits anymore.

OH, and by the way, Starbucks is now starting a chain of BDSM outlets so from now on they will be known as Tall, Grande and Venti limits.
Click to expand...

:D

...And have you noticed that at 7-Eleven, the "Small" limits is as big as a "Large" used to be? I mean, the friggin' Small limits is huge.

I also read that the Sleep Number bed people are coming out with a model which will enable both partners to select their individual limits separately, ensuring a blissful night for everyone.
 
Keroin said:
OH, and by the way, Starbucks is now starting a chain of BDSM outlets so from now on they will be known as Tall, Grande and Venti limits.
Click to expand...

And what the fuck is that all about? I don't know about you, but I'm small and I am not tall. FIX YO SIZES
 
BBWSubGrrrrl said:
OK, so I'm sure this has probably been discussed ad nauseum on this board, but I honestly dont have the patience to sift through all the old posts, so here it goes again....

I would like to get some other opinions about the definition of 'hard limit' vs. 'soft limit'.

IMO a 'hard' limit is a line that will NEVER be crossed, not for any reason and would never require the use of a safe word to avoid. If the line is crossed or attempted this would signal a lack of respect on my partners part, and most likely end the association as that person obviously cannot be trusted.


Conversely, a 'soft' limit is a line that is blurry and open for interpretation or coersion/manipulation. This would be more of a preference than a limit per se.

I would be very interested in hearing opinions on this subject from both the Dom and sub pov.
Click to expand...


I am new, and I have no idea about the rest of the crap in this thread.

But Yes, your first post makes sense to me.

However, if this hard limit was crossed at the beginning of a 'relationship' ,...I would discuss and then (depending on circumstance - How far crossed) use that wonderful Gift women have....Intuition.

:rose:
 
What JMohegan and Keroin were saying is that cliques are cliques, bad thread starter is a bad thread starter and offering an invitation to contribute without pushing the buttons of...

So, hows the <standard, oft-rehashed and searchable question>/local football team/ weather. And an implication to do your homework, and bring forth an offering. Ie. nude pics or a splash of personality.
 
Here is my suggestion for an improved limits list system (slightly tongue in cheek but as there seem to be a huge discrepancy in the meaning of Hard when applied to limits):

Deal Breakers:
As the name suggest: if try to do/sneak/push and we are done, I walk away.

Emotional/Physical Mines:
Tackle at your own risck. If triggered they can fall into the Deal Breaker or the Hard Limits. But reality is that right now even the pyl is not sure about it.

Hard Limits:
The relationship has to be really solid and it is going to take a lot of work and perhaps you can chip away and get it.

Middle Limits:
Not to be pushed by casual relationships.

Soft Limits:
Depending on the person/level of trust and the right stellar conjunction, perhaps even a causal partner might be able to push it.


Or you can discuss how you feel about different activities with your potential partner before you start a relationship. And make sure that you are both on the same wavelength in regard of pushing boundaries and the amount of power/control in the hand of your PYL before you embark in any play. And make sure to do some periodical check to see if you are still on the same page or one of you has changed. Because people change, relationships change and interests shift.
 
rida said:
Here is my suggestion for an improved limits list system (slightly tongue in cheek but as there seem to be a huge discrepancy in the meaning of Hard when applied to limits):

Deal Breakers:
As the name suggest: if try to do/sneak/push and we are done, I walk away.

Emotional/Physical Mines:
Tackle at your own risck. If triggered they can fall into the Deal Breaker or the Hard Limits. But reality is that right now even the pyl is not sure about it.

Hard Limits:
The relationship has to be really solid and it is going to take a lot of work and perhaps you can chip away and get it.

Middle Limits:
Not to be pushed by casual relationships.

Soft Limits:
Depending on the person/level of trust and the right stellar conjunction, perhaps even a causal partner might be able to push it.


Or you can discuss how you feel about different activities with your potential partner before you start a relationship. And make sure that you are both on the same wavelength in regard of pushing boundaries and the amount of power/control in the hand of your PYL before you embark in any play. And make sure to do some periodical check to see if you are still on the same page or one of you has changed. Because people change, relationships change and interests shift.
Click to expand...

These are very good. I am sure even with the deal breakers as a relationship matures they may shift down a bit.

It all goes back to communication. I personally really like using a checklist at the beginning of a relationship if the person is a newbie. There are some new to BDSM who will say "I'll do anything" without knowing half of what the possibilities are. It is also very important for a PYL to know the mental mindfields before starting.

For me I know over the normal course of my relationship my limits have been pushed, I have rebelled, he has pushed back, a bit more rebellion, his firm but kind insistence, andthen ultimately my surrender. After these episodes (some lasting a day some over weeks time) have resulting in us feeling closer..not in driving me away.
 
okay well first a mild disclaimer: i am a slave in a relationship where i have no personal limits between my Master and i. He has the right to use me or guide me as he wills, that is kind of part of the deal when becoming property. ;)

with that said, the whole "hard limits" vs. "soft limits" thing confuses the heck outta me. and now "medium/middle limits" too?! what the heck?? lol. my logic-based brain says that a limit is a limit. either something is an absolute no-go, or it is not. if someone has an area where they are wary or insecure or nervous, but can be made to go there with the right partner, then that is not a "limit." if one can be pushed or manipulated in any way on a particular subject, then again, that is not a "limit."

basically, i think that perhaps some other, more accurate terminology could be used to describe these things, when NOT referring to those things one absolutely refuses to do, without question, end of story, "no!" if it is not what people define as a "hard limit" then i fail to see how it is truly a limit.
 
rida said:
Here is my suggestion for an improved limits list system (slightly tongue in cheek but as there seem to be a huge discrepancy in the meaning of Hard when applied to limits):

Deal Breakers:
As the name suggest: if try to do/sneak/push and we are done, I walk away.

Emotional/Physical Mines:
Tackle at your own risck. If triggered they can fall into the Deal Breaker or the Hard Limits. But reality is that right now even the pyl is not sure about it.

Hard Limits:
The relationship has to be really solid and it is going to take a lot of work and perhaps you can chip away and get it.

Middle Limits:
Not to be pushed by casual relationships.

Soft Limits:
Depending on the person/level of trust and the right stellar conjunction, perhaps even a causal partner might be able to push it.


Or you can discuss how you feel about different activities with your potential partner before you start a relationship. And make sure that you are both on the same wavelength in regard of pushing boundaries and the amount of power/control in the hand of your PYL before you embark in any play. And make sure to do some periodical check to see if you are still on the same page or one of you has changed. Because people change, relationships change and interests shift.
Click to expand...


I really like the phrases Deal Breakers and Mines - more than the traditional "limits" stuff. Mines are not necessarily deal breakers, and they're not necessarily things you don't want to encounter - but they're things you don't want to blow up in your face and only knowing where they are will prevent that.

I think descriptive language is better than catchphrases.
 
Netzach said:
I think descriptive language is better than catchphrases.
Click to expand...

word. but in this age of textspeak i think unfortunately confusing and inaccurate catchphrases are here to say.

just yesterday was reading a heartfelt blog by a young woman of 20 years...sadly my eyes could not make it beyond the first paragraph (used very loosely), because of all the "bk up," "sry," "srsly," language. it is official...i am old. :(
 
ownedsubgal said:
okay well first a mild disclaimer: i am a slave in a relationship where i have no personal limits between my Master and i. He has the right to use me or guide me as he wills, that is kind of part of the deal when becoming property. ;)

with that said, the whole "hard limits" vs. "soft limits" thing confuses the heck outta me. and now "medium/middle limits" too?! what the heck?? lol. my logic-based brain says that a limit is a limit. either something is an absolute no-go, or it is not. if someone has an area where they are wary or insecure or nervous, but can be made to go there with the right partner, then that is not a "limit." if one can be pushed or manipulated in any way on a particular subject, then again, that is not a "limit."

basically, i think that perhaps some other, more accurate terminology could be used to describe these things, when NOT referring to those things one absolutely refuses to do, without question, end of story, "no!" if it is not what people define as a "hard limit" then i fail to see how it is truly a limit.
Click to expand...

I sorta feel that way about it, too.
 
Have no idea what medium limits are, but as to soft and hard, the definition depends on those involved usually. That being said, more than 1 or 2 people here will tell you it is not a great idea to say 'never' about things BDSM related, as many have found through personal experience that those very things they once said were a 'never gonna go there' thing, have become favoured experiences. It all comes with experience, knowing and trusting the one/s you are interacting with, and growing. Limits are great if you need them, but also try and keep an open mind to the possibility of finding sometimes that things you never imagined yourself possible of trying, not to mention enjoying, could become your most favourite moments of pleasure in time.

Catalina
 
You know what pisses ME off? Somebody who acknowledges that there are probably other threads on something, but admits that they "don't have the patience" to read them, and demands that we all discuss the topic again to please their lazy whims. :rolleyes:
 
Etoile said:
You know what pisses ME off? Somebody who acknowledges that there are probably other threads on something, but admits that they "don't have the patience" to read them, and demands that we all discuss the topic again to please their lazy whims. :rolleyes:
Click to expand...


The icon says it all

:D
 
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