? 4 any1 with answers. Especially BDSM polyamourists

A little background. I am 29 and so is my wife. We have been swingers for over 8 years now. My wife is definately into full fledged polyamory. Throughout our marriage she has claimed to be submissive, but as of the last 4 months is just really exploring all aspects of it.
She is "my pet" as I will refer to her now as and there is absolutely no problem with any aspect of our Dom/Sub relationship that I can tell. However, she is seeing another dominant and has been for about 2 months. We have always lived our lives in complete honesty so I trust her, but she "loves" her doms and while I am first and foremost in her life, I don't believe in polyamory as she does and it is a stressor on me.
I can handle casual sex or just a purely sexual dom/sub relationship by them, but the whole "love" aspect throws me. I want my submissive to obey and trust that I will command only what is best for them (which she does), but I feel almost a conflict of interest when her other Dom (who she loves) has rules that are different from mine.
I really wish my pet to be happy in what she does and she does not need disciplined often, but the question I am getting at is how can I better handle her "loving" another Dom in our open relationship when I don't believe in polyamory as she does?

Are there any suggestions out there? I am sorry to take everyone's time, but I don't know where else to get answers.

Thanks,
DomNQuestion

DomNQuestion said:

A little background. I am 29 and so is my wife. We have been swingers for over 8 years now. My wife is definately into full fledged polyamory. Throughout our marriage she has claimed to be submissive, but as of the last 4 months is just really exploring all aspects of it.
She is "my pet" as I will refer to her now as and there is absolutely no problem with any aspect of our Dom/Sub relationship that I can tell. However, she is seeing another dominant and has been for about 2 months. We have always lived our lives in complete honesty so I trust her, but she "loves" her doms and while I am first and foremost in her life, I don't believe in polyamory as she does and it is a stressor on me.
I can handle casual sex or just a purely sexual dom/sub relationship by them, but the whole "love" aspect throws me. I want my submissive to obey and trust that I will command only what is best for them (which she does), but I feel almost a conflict of interest when her other Dom (who she loves) has rules that are different from mine.
I really wish my pet to be happy in what she does and she does not need disciplined often, but the question I am getting at is how can I better handle her "loving" another Dom in our open relationship when I don't believe in polyamory as she does?

Are there any suggestions out there? I am sorry to take everyone's time, but I don't know where else to get answers.

Thanks,
DomNQuestion

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Wow, I am in a very similar situation, but from the sub angle, so I have no answers for you. I certainly hope someone does, though, because my husband/Dom struggles with the exact same thing. Hugs to both of you. I know from experience how difficult this is.

I'm owned by a married couple, so, yes, it is possible to love and be owned by more than one person. However, if everybody's not on board with the poly thing, it's probably *not* going to work out so well.

If you're interested in expanding your horizons as far as poly goes, I'm not sure if you're going to get the answers you're looking for here, though I understand why you posted here. It's not like Lit has a poly section or anything. If you would like to talk to some more poly people, Polyamorous Percolations has been invaluable to me.

If you're not interested in poly, and your mind's made up, though, you should probably go ahead and save everyone involved a whole lot of heartache and say, "Look, I can't do this."

My PM box is always open if you need somebody to talk to.

In my very short lived experience, having two Doms at one time is a recipe for disaster, for all parties involves. From my point of view, who did i listen to if there were conflicting orders? What about demands on my time? What if I was in trouble with one and not with the other? It put me in a position of choosing which Dom was more important, and who got obeyed first.

Polyamorous BDSM with two pyls and one PYL works much better, as far as my own experiences go.

myinnerslut said:

In my very short lived experience, having two Doms at one time is a recipe for disaster, for all parties involves. From my point of view, who did i listen to if there were conflicting orders? What about demands on my time? What if I was in trouble with one and not with the other? It put me in a position of choosing which Dom was more important, and who got obeyed first.

Polyamorous BDSM with two pyls and one PYL works much better, as far as my own experiences go.

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See, I'm the exact opposite. I couldn't handle the Owner people having another sub. I'd be trying to figure out how to shank a bitch and get away with it. My Master and Mistress, goddammit! Not yours.

Though the 2 dominants thing can only work if both are on the same page and are willing to work cooperatively. If they let their egos get in the way, it IS a recipe for disaster!

BiBunny said:

Though the 2 dominants thing can only work if both are on the same page and are willing to work cooperatively. If they let their egos get in the way, it IS a recipe for disaster!

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BINGO.

And therein lay the disaster.

BiBunny said:

I'm owned by a married couple, so, yes, it is possible to love and be owned by more than one person. However, if everybody's not on board with the poly thing, it's probably *not* going to work out so well.

If you're interested in expanding your horizons as far as poly goes, I'm not sure if you're going to get the answers you're looking for here, though I understand why you posted here. It's not like Lit has a poly section or anything. If you would like to talk to some more poly people, Polyamorous Percolations has been invaluable to me.

If you're not interested in poly, and your mind's made up, though, you should probably go ahead and save everyone involved a whole lot of heartache and say, "Look, I can't do this."

My PM box is always open if you need somebody to talk to.

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Thanks you for your insight. I have been to Polyamorous Percolations and I must admit that I think I was slightly misleading. Its not that I don't believe that polyamory exsits, but rather that it is not for me. Its hard to say, but when there is no interaction of a trusting nature between the 2 Doms then (as in this case) one Dom can have a serious stressor if they hear their sub who they have been married to for almost a decade talk about how she loves another dom and how she has to accomodate him differently. I understand it, but I am not sure I can handle it.

Thank you for the advice.

subish2009 said:

Wow, I am in a very similar situation, but from the sub angle, so I have no answers for you. I certainly hope someone does, though, because my husband/Dom struggles with the exact same thing. Hugs to both of you. I know from experience how difficult this is.

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I appreciate your situation and thank you for acknowledging that I am not the only one out there. If your dom-husband ever needs to talk, I am always available. It always feels good to know that someone out there can relate to what is going on.

DomNQuestion said:

Thanks you for your insight. I have been to Polyamorous Percolations and I must admit that I think I was slightly misleading. Its not that I don't believe that polyamory exsits, but rather that it is not for me. Its hard to say, but when there is no interaction of a trusting nature between the 2 Doms then (as in this case) one Dom can have a serious stressor if they hear their sub who they have been married to for almost a decade talk about how she loves another dom and how she has to accomodate him differently. I understand it, but I am not sure I can handle it.

Thank you for the advice.

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Yeah, they are a little bit fanatical there, like they're trying to bring in converts or something.

You're right, poly is not for everybody. If you've made up your mind that it's not for you, then that's fine. But you should probably communicate this to your wife before things get deeper than they already are.

Just keep in mind that she most likely didn't fall in love with this guy to hurt you, you know? Feelings are what they are, and sometimes you can't help falling in love with someone.

Best of luck to you.

My advice would be to decide if you can be okay with Poly, or not. Her being polyamorous, does not obligate you to be so, as well. Just as your inclination to be a swinger/open (but not poly) doesn't obligate her to close off that [poly] aspect of who she is.

Serious conversation time, methinks.

It would probably work best if you and the second Dominant were able to sit down together and work out "The Rules". If the two Dominants have similar interests/expectations which are not in conflict with one another, things will be somewhat easier. If not - decisions have to be made.

I'm finding the Opening Up book in my signature to be a very good read re: styles of open/swinging/poly relationships, as well as relationship styles re: BDSM. If you're a reader/researcher/thinker, it might help you work through things, to take a peek at the book.

BiBunny said:

Though the 2 dominants thing can only work if both are on the same page and are willing to work cooperatively. If they let their egos get in the way, it IS a recipe for disaster!

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The time MIS is talking about happened towards the end of her relationship with her ex, and I was the other person involved. In one of those rare moments where my ego was not being a huge dickhead, I tried mightily to get along. It failed largely because the other bloke wanted to impose a stinkload of rules on me. Eh, sorry, I'm not the submissive here. I can certainly understand reasonable limitations, but not the literally insane list I was sent.

DomNQuestion said:

I appreciate your situation and thank you for acknowledging that I am not the only one out there. If your dom-husband ever needs to talk, I am always available. It always feels good to know that someone out there can relate to what is going on.

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One thing that is working for us is that it is VERY well understood by all parties involved in my situation that my marriage comes first. My online Dom and I are very acutely aware that we're lucky to have each other at all, and really need to accommodate my husband's feelings in every regard. It helps that my online Dom also has a family so our priorities are the same.

Is your wife willing to put you first in a similar fashion? Would that improve the situation for you at all? For my husband, that doesn't make it "all better," but it makes it tolerable.

BiBunny said:

See, I'm the exact opposite. I couldn't handle the Owner people having another sub. I'd be trying to figure out how to shank a bitch and get away with it. My Master and Mistress, goddammit! Not yours.

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I get this same way if Jounar (or any secondary I had with me being the first subby involved with said fellow) would talk about meeting some one. I get a serious competitive streak in me.

The strange thing was I didn't get that same competitive feeling when I was the new member to a party. It's like I didn't feel like I had a right to be competitive seeing as I was the new kid in town. *shrug* funny how the mind justifies things sometimes.

Homburg said:

The time MIS is talking about happened towards the end of her relationship with her ex, and I was the other person involved. In one of those rare moments where my ego was not being a huge dickhead, I tried mightily to get along. It failed largely because the other bloke wanted to impose a stinkload of rules on me. Eh, sorry, I'm not the submissive here. I can certainly understand reasonable limitations, but not the literally insane list I was sent.

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I found that, in my case, if Jounar liked the sounds of the fellow, I had very little and most often no restrictions when it came to my relationship with this second PYL. But if something didn't sit right with him about this new guy I would get a very large list of restrictions, which usually included not being allowed to orgasm when with this person.

He trusts me, but he also has a need to protect what's his, and I have a very bad track record when it comes to picking winners. This was his way of laying the choice at my feet, but making his opinion very clear. My loyalty is always with him, and when some one couldn't understand that, they usually fucked off. *shrug*

Life is so much easier now.

DomNQuestion said:

A little background. I am 29 and so is my wife. We have been swingers for over 8 years now. My wife is definately into full fledged polyamory. Throughout our marriage she has claimed to be submissive, but as of the last 4 months is just really exploring all aspects of it.
She is "my pet" as I will refer to her now as and there is absolutely no problem with any aspect of our Dom/Sub relationship that I can tell. However, she is seeing another dominant and has been for about 2 months. We have always lived our lives in complete honesty so I trust her, but she "loves" her doms and while I am first and foremost in her life, I don't believe in polyamory as she does and it is a stressor on me.
I can handle casual sex or just a purely sexual dom/sub relationship by them, but the whole "love" aspect throws me. I want my submissive to obey and trust that I will command only what is best for them (which she does), but I feel almost a conflict of interest when her other Dom (who she loves) has rules that are different from mine.
I really wish my pet to be happy in what she does and she does not need disciplined often, but the question I am getting at is how can I better handle her "loving" another Dom in our open relationship when I don't believe in polyamory as she does?

Are there any suggestions out there? I am sorry to take everyone's time, but I don't know where else to get answers.

Thanks,
DomNQuestion

Click to expand...

I can't imagine co-owning someone and not having communication with that person so you are on the same page. Do you have any level of interaction with the other Dominant? This is something you guys may want to address. Conflicting orders, unless you're all kinked toward making her crazy, are nothing but trouble. They can be avoided with common sense interaction among Dominants. Everyone doesn't have to love one another whee la la, but you DO have to communicate with one another cordially at times.

Homburg said:

The time MIS is talking about happened towards the end of her relationship with her ex, and I was the other person involved. In one of those rare moments where my ego was not being a huge dickhead, I tried mightily to get along. It failed largely because the other bloke wanted to impose a stinkload of rules on me. Eh, sorry, I'm not the submissive here. I can certainly understand reasonable limitations, but not the literally insane list I was sent.

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There's a difference between cooperating and having your balls shorn off. Even if you don't actually have any, it's simply unacceptable to the Dominant human.

Netzach said:

I can't imagine co-owning someone and not having communication with that person so you are on the same page. Do you have any level of interaction with the other Dominant? This is something you guys may want to address. Conflicting orders, unless you're all kinked toward making her crazy, are nothing but trouble. They can be avoided with common sense interaction among Dominants. Everyone doesn't have to love one another whee la la, but you DO have to communicate with one another cordially at times.

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That was another major issue with this guy. He flat refused to speak to me in any medium. Total refusal. Everything went through her. Ludicrous.

*shrug* I like how it turned out, and his obstinate dickheadedness just sped the process up

Homburg said:

That was another major issue with this guy. He flat refused to speak to me in any medium. Total refusal. Everything went through her. Ludicrous.

*shrug* I like how it turned out, and his obstinate dickheadedness just sped the process up

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*Snort* Funny how that happens.

BiBunny said:

However, if everybody's not on board with the poly thing, it's probably *not* going to work out so well.

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This. Just this.

I'm living it. It's painful. Like the OP, I am the primary partner but I am not into poly. My wife is, so she has her secondary. It fucking hurts.

If you're not cool with it, make a change NOW. Don't let it fester.

I have been in the lifestyle for more years then I care to remember. Perhaps I'm looking at this in a bent way, but here goes anyway. My first question is which one of you collered her first? If it was you then put your foot down and tell her how you feel. Remember YOU are the Dom and she is the sub. Question two is how did she meet the other Dom? For one thing a true Dom would never try and collar another Dom's sub. It's just not done. Tell her how you feel and then make her decide whose collar she is going to wear. In any D/s relationship there can only be one Dom.

esales said:

I have been in the lifestyle for more years then I care to remember. Perhaps I'm looking at this in a bent way, but here goes anyway. My first question is which one of you collered her first? If it was you then put your foot down and tell her how you feel. Remember YOU are the Dom and she is the sub. Question two is how did she meet the other Dom? For one thing a true Dom would never try and collar another Dom's sub. It's just not done. Tell her how you feel and then make her decide whose collar she is going to wear. In any D/s relationship there can only be one Dom.

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A true Dom? What's a true Dom?

Someone who subscribes to your particular ethical guidelines, I guess?

esales said:

In any D/s relationship there can only be one Dom.

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I call bullshit.

BiBunny said:

I call bullshit.

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No, see, you're just not in a D/s relationship!

Etoile said:

No, see, you're just not in a D/s relationship!

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Oh. My bad. It all makes sense now.

esales said:

I have been in the lifestyle for more years then I care to remember. Perhaps I'm looking at this in a bent way, but here goes anyway. My first question is which one of you collered her first? If it was you then put your foot down and tell her how you feel. Remember YOU are the Dom and she is the sub. Question two is how did she meet the other Dom? For one thing a true Dom would never try and collar another Dom's sub. It's just not done. Tell her how you feel and then make her decide whose collar she is going to wear. In any D/s relationship there can only be one Dom.

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My husband and I both own the same television. I see no real reason that the same could not be done with a slave. And people run the same company all the time, which is a series of complex power-based decisions.

Putting your foot down on WHAT someone is is about as good as trying to turn a submissive into the perfect Domme. If someone *is* poly, you have to deal with it on its own terms. Sure, I guess you can try forbidding it or something, but good luck with that. It sounds like this guy actually is trying to deal with something that's often a relational impasse for people as best he can.

to the OP: it's not easy, and there's no easy answer. You basically try and live with it as best you can and you keep talking to her. You don't hide how you feel, but you accept that she is how she is, at the same time. Talk and talk some more. Do it without making it a guilt trip - I know this can be really hard to do in this situation, but guilt trips will drive her from you immediately.

You don't have to do anything that's going to make you more miserable than happy in a relationship and neither does she. You may find, though, that with time, it becomes more acceptable and easier. If you live with it a while, you may even find that it doesn't in fact continue to diminish you. Or it might remain unbearably sucky and intolerable in which case it's intolerable and she either has to conform to keep you, or you are both no longer compatible people, painful as that is.

I know that's kind of weird advice for the Dominant party in a D/s relationship - this is one of those moments where one is confronted with the limits of their power and control. You can't change her sexuality any more than you can switch off hetero impulses in her or change her eye color.

I was once in your position a long time ago, suffering intensely the jealous throes of a *very* poly girlfriend. Over time I realized that the other loves didn't threaten *my* love for her, or hers for me at all, and in fact discovered that I'm also wired that way myself, when I got over the social obstacles. Your mileage may vary, but sometimes just pushing through your own discomfort is rewarding on the other side.

however - there's poly and there's just cluelessly dicking people around. If she's doing the latter, you seem like a relatively sensitive guy and you probably know deep down if you are being played. Don't put up with that, there are other submissive women.

So if I have to choose which collar I want, can I change my mind periodically? The pretty one from Mistress Tuesday through Friday, and the more serious looking one from Master Saturday through Monday? 'Cause I'm ok with that.