Seeking editor please

I recently posted my 'first' story, 'Voyeur Chapter 01', http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=454884 and did not submit it to an editor prior to doing so.

The story is about Voyeurism to some extent but is not limited to that.

Obviously there are some grammar issues within the story, and when I posted it some of the formatting of it messed up in places.

I'd appreciate it if a good editor could take the time to read the story and offer to edit it for me, or offer constructive criticism and ways of improving upon the story.

I can, if requested via pm, or here, post any such editor the story via email if that is the best approach.

Thankyou....Existencialisticism.

I'm not an editor, but I don't want your request to get lost, so...

"BUMP"

I really like this story, but it should be broken down into parts.

Part 01, Part 02, Part 03, etc

Carolyn

Oh my god it's six pages long?!

The only problem I'm having so far is with the purple prose, but to be fair I am having quite a problem with it. You love description, and you do it well, but frankly I'm getting sick of it and I'm only one page in. Now, part of that is me; description just doesn't work on me, for whatever reason. But it's also that description is like whipped cream: good in moderated amounts, but you wouldn't want a meal of nothing but. (Well, okay, some people would; it does take all kinds.) I mean, you know?--give me my meat and potatoes, I'm hungry for something I can really sink my teeth into. But nope; all I'm getting is just heaping mounds of fluffy white stuff that doesn't sate my appetite at all. Too much of this and I'm liable to leave the restaurant entirely (to extend the metaphor), and go somewhere else where I know I can get what I actually like.

The thing about description is that, like whipped cream, it's puffy but not particularly filling. It looks like you're telling a story, but you're really just spinning your wheels and producing a lot of hot air. Here's one of your paragraphs, with text in red to indicate that these are words you can remove without any lasting harm:

"Oh for fucks sake!" I said to myself angrily, slamming my hands down against the steering wheel. "Ah well at least I made it this far," I thought reassuring myself in an attempt to remain calm. "I'll just have to call a tow truck. I'll wait till I get home and call from there," I thought without even contemplating trying to fix the car on account of the unbearable heat.

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That last stuff's in pink because, while it's not extraneous, it also could've been rephrased in about half the words. Also, most of your paragraphs are a sleeker cut; this one had by far the most fat on it. But fiction isn't steak; in fact, they're the opposite. In fiction you want the bony-supermodel look: trim, determined, with not a milligram of extra mass if you can help it. Fiction should be anorexic. (PS I am not advocating the consumption of supermodels. Besides, supermodels aren't steak either; probably not much good eating on those bones. Okay, let's move on.)

Anyway. That's where I stand on your story. Again, part of this is my own personal preference; I dislike long descriptions almost as much as I dislike whipped cream. But I think you'll find that I'm not the only one with this reaction.

Best wishes for the new year.

CWatson said:

(PS I am not advocating the consumption of supermodels. Besides, supermodels aren't steak either;...)

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I laughed so hard I shot coke out of my nose.

Something about that struck me as extraordinarily funny.

Thanks.

~Paul

I'm going to do what I can to soften the blow here:

Description is a good thing. You can't... umm... "eat" without it. I think of it more like salt, actually. Can't live without it, but too much of it, let's just say the first time I made potatoes out of a box, I mistook teaspoon and put two tablespoons of salt instead.
Think of Harry Potter: One of the appeals of the original book was how Rawling kept making mention of how the wizarding world was so different. Imagine doing that in the seventh book, every time Harry sees a sneakoscope and yelling, "OMG it spins!" No shit; we established that in the second book or something.
If we're six pages long, I can deal with extranious details (and bad spelling) for the first page, which you spend describing the world you see your characters in. After that, though, I don't give a fuck what the hotel looks like; no, I want to see your two heroines (hopefully) getting it on in creative and challenging new ways.

CopperSkink said:

I'm going to do what I can to soften the blow here:

Description is a good thing. You can't... umm... "eat" without it. I think of it more like salt, actually. Can't live without it, but too much of it, let's just say the first time I made potatoes out of a box, I mistook teaspoon and put two tablespoons of salt instead.
Think of Harry Potter: One of the appeals of the original book was how Rawling kept making mention of how the wizarding world was so different. Imagine doing that in the seventh book, every time Harry sees a sneakoscope and yelling, "OMG it spins!" No shit; we established that in the second book or something.
If we're six pages long, I can deal with extranious details (and bad spelling) for the first page, which you spend describing the world you see your characters in. After that, though, I don't give a fuck what the hotel looks like; no, I want to see your two heroines (hopefully) getting it on in creative and challenging new ways.

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I wasn't laughing at the author. I was laughing at the thought of eating supermodels. And no, supermodels aren't steak. They're more like...beef jerky. Stringy, dry and absolutely without substance.

No, I thought the line was funny as fuck too. My tastes are more for cheerleaders anyway. They can still grow up to be many different flavors.

CopperSkink said:

No, I thought the line was funny as fuck too. My tastes are more for cheerleaders anyway. They can still grow up to be many different flavors.

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I like cheerleaders that become strippers that dance in slutty schoolgirl outfits.

Personal preferences, and all.

I know it's unrealistic as fuck, but hey. That's why it's a fantasy.

all that aside, however.

Existencialisticism: Have you found an editor yet? I keep hoping you have. apparently your descriptions are wonderful.

~paul

sgt_wiklund said:

I like cheerleaders that become strippers that dance in slutty schoolgirl outfits.

Personal preferences, and all.

I know it's unrealistic as fuck, but hey. That's why it's a fantasy.

all that aside, however.

Existencialisticism: Have you found an editor yet? I keep hoping you have. apparently your descriptions are wonderful.

~paul

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What's unrealistic about it? The slutty school girl outfit is a strip club staple! Though I can not verify if said slutty school girl outfit wearing strippers are former cheerleaders. I'm sure some of them are, it's a perfectly plausible idea.

Iftheshoefits said:

What's unrealistic about it? The slutty school girl outfit is a strip club staple! Though I can not verify if said slutty school girl outfit wearing strippers are former cheerleaders. I'm sure some of them are, it's a perfectly plausible idea.

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because I never get to see one in a plaid skirt. it's always bra and panties or something else. All the women I meet at strip clubs are 'working their way through college', but none of them wear the school uniform for me. I must have paid for some poor girl's graduate degree by now, and still no schoolgirl skirt. Not even a cheerleader's outfit.

Besides, I wanna get like 20 of them on a bus and...

never mind. I'll write a story about it. If I ever finish the one I'm writing now.

sgt_wiklund said:

because I never get to see one in a plaid skirt. ...

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May I recommend the city of Bath in the west of England, 100 or so miles (160KM) west of London. There is a school there where they all wear white blouses, sweaters and plaid skirts. Look but don't touch.

sgt_wiklund said:

... Besides, I wanna get like 20 of them on a bus ...

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If you go to the Bath central bus station at about 8 am a large number of them catch the bus to school.

snoopercharmbrights said:

May I recommend the city of Bath in the west of England, 100 or so miles (160KM) west of London. There is a school there where they all wear white blouses, sweaters and plaid skirts. Look but don't touch.

If you go to the Bath central bus station at about 8 am a large number of them catch the bus to school.

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I'm dropping off this thread before it gets creepy (creepier?). I want to go on record as saying that I want the adult version in the uniform.

Hot, hot strippers in uniforms.....

Vic TG, however, who is not old as fuck, will be booking a vacation to this amorous city of wonder called "Bath". I'm bringing a camera and a notebook and I'm hiring someone to put grease on their books so they keep dropping them.

Oh, and an umbrella.

CopperSkink said:

Vic TG, however, who is not old as fuck, will be booking a vacation to this amorous city of wonder called "Bath". I'm bringing a camera and a notebook and I'm hiring someone to put grease on their books so they keep dropping them.

Oh, and an umbrella.

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Old as fuck, huh? I will have you know that I am probably near the same age as you. I'm only 30 for crying out loud. I just don't want to be caught gawking at underage girls. Besides, to them, you're probably old as fuck.

creepy, creepy old man.

That may be but I'm still in my twenties : Only one echelon above the teens, danna. Still older and more experienced, yet not quite scary old man breath. Stuff dreams are made of.

sgt_wiklund said:

Old as fuck, huh? I will have you know that I am probably near the same age as you. I'm only 30 for crying out loud. I just don't want to be caught gawking at underage girls. Besides, to them, you're probably old as fuck.

creepy, creepy old man.

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CopperSkink said:

That may be but I'm still in my twenties : Only one echelon above the teens, danna. Still older and more experienced, yet not quite scary old man breath. Stuff dreams are made of.

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You're both kids to me.

MistressLynn said:

You're both kids to me.

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You can teach me. I take instruction well, and have a perverse pleasure in being corrected.

ETA: Wow, this thread got off track quick.

sgt_wiklund said:

You can teach me. I take instruction well, and have a perverse pleasure in being corrected.

ETA: Wow, this thread got off track quick.

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Most do.

Sounds like something the Colonel would say.

My woman says that to me a few times. Not exactly telling me I'm a kid, just that being eleven years younger than her, I'm a life-stage behind her. Of course she gets off like a... ahem. She doesn't complain in bed :

sgt_wiklund said:

... I just don't want to be caught gawking at underage girls. Besides, to them, you're probably old as fuck.

creepy, creepy old man.

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That's exactly my image! A creepy creepy old man in a battery-car is expected to gawk at under-age girls, but is allowed to because they can run faster than his chair will go.

snoopercharmbrights said:

That's exactly my image! A creepy creepy old man in a battery-car is expected to gawk at under-age girls, but is allowed to because they can run faster than his chair will go.

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I...ummm...meant Copperskink, but sure. *scratches his head in wonder*