seeking advice about getting over an exboyfriend

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i asked my exboyfriend to move out in early march 2009 because i thought he was cheating on me and whenever i asked about his feelings about me and our relationship, he always said everything was ok, which left me confused with the behaviour he was showing.

i called him that night he left, crying, saying i still loved him and that i wanted to talk about what was happening with us, he said a break apart might be good for us. i asked for him to call me so we could get together the following week.

i have not heard from him at all. after 5 months, i came to the conclusion that he doesnt want me. i thought i was done mourning. i even dated someone for 3 months towards the end of summer (non sexual relationship).

i saw him at the grocery store after 8 months (he was with a woman) and my heart felt like it was trying to jump out of my chest, i couldnt breath. i wanted to ask if he really was over me but i felt that was to desperate and i didnt want to come off as obsessed or anything.

last night i had a dream about him, and i tell myself over and over that he doesnt want me, he would have called. why cant i stop crying when i think about him? is there a part of me that still loves him? i want to move on, i want to be with someone who wants me. i think he was the first guy i ever truly loved, and the way we broke up left an open wound thats taking so long to close. i feel like maybe i never had closure and thats why its taking so long to feel better about everything.

i have everything anyone could ever ask for, except someone special to love and to love me in return and at this point im willing to be patient to find the right one, but im worried that wont happen if i am still thinking and crying about my ex.

How do i get over my ex?? please? anyone?
(i had this post in general and it was suggested i put it in this section)

The only way is to suck it up and allow time to pass and allow your life to develop in other directions.

The love of my life left me after 11 years together. That was 9 years ago and I still miss him and I still know that he was The One. But I live a happy life and have other lovers and you know, it just ISN'T the end of the world. And it must be 5 years since I cried about him.

Try and put him out of yur mind as much as you can by focussing on other stuff. Time really is a great healer.

Cattypuss said:

The only way is to suck it up and allow time to pass and allow your life to develop in other directions.

The love of my life left me after 11 years together. That was 9 years ago and I still miss him and I still know that he was The One. But I live a happy life and have other lovers and you know, it just ISN'T the end of the world. And it must be 5 years since I cried about him.

Try and put him out of yur mind as much as you can by focussing on other stuff. Time really is a great healer.

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thank you

i have a lot of stuff around that reminds me of him, stuff he bought, stuff he bought for me. i thought those might be triggers, and that i ought to get rid of the stuff but its all stuff i use just about every day. replacing some of it is an option tho. some days are easier, i thought something was wrong with me because i couldnt accept what happened, then i accepted and now im having dreams about him! well one dream. its frustrating.

Yeah, it just takes time. And it does help to get rid of phsyical reminders. I left our shared house and everything in it and moved to a new suburb - that helped lol!

Cattypuss said:

Yeah, it just takes time. And it does help to get rid of phsyical reminders. I left our shared house and everything in it and moved to a new suburb - that helped lol!

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ya, moving is not an option for me at this time. meh.

sigh, no more crockpot, or watch, or digi cam or swivel mirror or landry basket, etc.... putting pieces back together after a break up isnt fun. this was also my first major breakup, i didnt love my exhusband when we got divorced so all these feelings were new to me

funny thing about life...it goes on even if we choose not to participate. But when you really do participate, things don't seem so big. Having walked both paths myself...I prefer to participate...it is alot easier on my on my head.

Only time will heal your wounded heart,

forget the drama...

Hello my friend..The only thing i can tell you is to order 2 or 3 toys and forget the dumbass...I would try adam and eve first..They have a toy called the anal power rod..Its black and it about 9 inch's long..And it has 7 speeds...Why need anyone when you have this....Blessings..Christopher

kinkypassion1969 said:

Hello my friend..The only thing i can tell you is to order 2 or 3 toys and forget the dumbass...I would try adam and eve first..They have a toy called the anal power rod..Its black and it about 9 inch's long..And it has 7 speeds...Why need anyone when you have this....Blessings..Christopher

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lol

thank you so much for your message.

im certainly not lacking in the toy department, but thank you for the sugestion, i will check it out.

and i need someone because a toy cannot love me like someone can(no matter how good the toy makes me feel)

coastal-boy said:

funny thing about life...it goes on even if we choose not to participate. But when you really do participate, things don't seem so big. Having walked both paths myself...I prefer to participate...it is alot easier on my on my head.

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yes, i understand. sometimes i feel as though i am emotionally dying, but i know living in self pity isnt worh it.

i am a fairly possitive person, i dont have to fight negativity as much anymore. and i enjoy living in the moment and not taking anything for granted. im much happier this way.

One of the best things to do to get over a relationship is to start doing things to work towards being a better you. Find a place to volunteer, take some classes to expand on a hobby or passion, do something the your ex said you could never do on your own. The more you learn to love yourself, the less you will be focused on the pain of something lost.

Believe me, it works

PublicAffection said:

One of the best things to do to get over a relationship is to start doing things to work towards being a better you. Find a place to volunteer, take some classes to expand on a hobby or passion, do something the your ex said you could never do on your own. The more you learn to love yourself, the less you will be focused on the pain of something lost.

Believe me, it works

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Great post and great advice!!!!!!!!!!!!

This worked for me. Now I am very happy because of it.

PublicAffection said:

One of the best things to do to get over a relationship is to start doing things to work towards being a better you. Find a place to volunteer, take some classes to expand on a hobby or passion, do something the your ex said you could never do on your own. The more you learn to love yourself, the less you will be focused on the pain of something lost.

Believe me, it works

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i joined weight watchers and curves workout mid summer (i lost 43 lbs so far)

im writing again, and i play outside more with my son.

yes, it does work. i just need to stick with it!

reannerose said:

i joined weight watchers and curves workout mid summer (i lost 43 lbs so far)

im writing again, and i play outside more with my son.

yes, it does work. i just need to stick with it!

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Good You will find that the more you do it, the more confident and happy you feel, and the more other people are drawn to you. You'll suddenly find yourself meeting new people who have similar interests and after a couple of years you'll wake up one day and realize your whole world has improved.

... and sometime after that you'll bump into him again and not only realize that you are completely over him, but will also find that he will wish he could be as happy as you are.

It takes a while, but you will get over him in time. And maybe eventually, you'll wonder what you even saw in him. Sounds to me like you deserve someone much worthier of your love.

One thing I know for sure - love comes along often when you least expect it. So try to spend some time on you. Do things that you want to do, go places you want to go, be open to new experiences.

{{{{Hugs}}}}

Bo_Kaye said:

It takes a while, but you will get over him in time. And maybe eventually, you'll wonder what you even saw in him. Sounds to me like you deserve someone much worthier of your love.

One thing I know for sure - love comes along often when you least expect it. So try to spend some time on you. Do things that you want to do, go places you want to go, be open to new experiences.

{{{{Hugs}}}}

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thank you for your words.

thanks to everyone, even the hazzers on the general board! lol i have a very small circle of friends (very very small) and im glad that i choose to come on lit and ask for advice, you've all helped immensely.

True love lost, is a hard thing to get over. Time is the only thing that will heal the wound. The one thing I caution you against is to get rid of things prematurely. I'd recommend that you box up what you can and stow it away, until such time as you can go through it with a clear head and healed heart to determine what things are pleasant reminders of your past, and what needs to go permanently.

Having said that, I agree with most of the other posts about focusing on yourself, your self image, new friends, and anything else that makes you a stronger, more self-aware, self sufficient (emotionally, physically, monetarily ), etc. It sounds that you're doing this and are experiencing great success (kudo's on the weight loss! ).

Good luck and continued success.

BTW, I think that most of us have had at least one great love lost. It happens, some things just aren't meant to be, however contrived that statement may seem.

How do you mend a broken heart?

PublicAffection said:

One of the best things to do to get over a relationship is to start doing things to work towards being a better you. Find a place to volunteer, take some classes to expand on a hobby or passion, do something the your ex said you could never do on your own. The more you learn to love yourself, the less you will be focused on the pain of something lost.

Believe me, it works

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Well said.

I experienced my worst heartbreak just a few years ago. My life seemed like it had been flipped upside down and I ended up in a terrible rut for a bit. I would ask for help and advice as well and the best piece of advice I ever received to the essential question of how do you mend a broken heart was: "You don't. It mends you."

It was so profoundly true. I had gotten involved in a lot of things just to keep busy and keep my mind off missing my ex, but what was really happening was a transformation b/c of the things I chose to involve myself in. PublicAffection, gave some solid advice. Pursue things that are important to you and you will heal yourself. I don't know if the longing for certain ex-partners ever fully leaves, but you will undoubtedly be in a much better place if you take care of your needs and better yourself. And then, when you least expect it, you'll be radiating a healthy vibe to attract a new quality partners.

I think there's no cure but time and attitude.

I've gone through horrible breakups where I felt undead. Nothing to give, and just sort of a deep black hole of despair.

Ultimately I had to be patient with myself and my expectations. The relationship put me in a tiny little unbreakable space and I couldn't see how anything could ever be good again, how there could ever be light or hope in my life...

But over time I had to put the light and the hope there myself. To learn to love myself as I was at that moment, and sympathize with myself, get me the things I needed to heal. Rely on myself to get through. Stop looking for outer sources of pleasure and joy, and start generating it myself.

I had my daughter and I knew she needed me, I poured my attention into my life, making sure everything's in order, that I have my favorite bubble bath, that I watch romantic movies and cry along with the author and actors.

Self-solace and self romance was really how I got through. It's how I still get through disappointments in life or relationships that don't meet my needs. I meet my own needs and if someone wants to join me, cool. I try to return to myself, what is worth falling in love with, and nurture that. I don't want any relationship to leave me empty, I set about filling the spaces that are abandoned by redecorating with what I want.

It takes time and it takes creativity and it takes letting go over and over. But ultimately your life is your own again and the rooms that seemed empty and echoey are full of fresh flowers and music and self love.

Ironically that's the perfect state to live in on your own, and the perfect state to find love again. Staying open to it and not giving up on yourself.

This may sound tawdry but what it sounds like is you need to find some love for yourself. You will never find in another person what you can only have for yourself. Depending on others for love and happiness will always let you down but if you grow to love and respect who you are then the holes left by other people seem more conquerable.

I got out of a relationship almost 10 years ago that still shakes me. He wasn't the one for me but my dependence on him made me unable to take care of myself when he left. I will never put myself in that position again. I love my husband more than the world but I love myself first.

You have a right to have hurt feelings but remember, you asked him to leave because you weren't happy with the relationship the way it was. Apparently he didn't argue and agreed. Now he probably has someone else. If you were to somehow get back with him the exact same thing would happen - you would not be happy. Believe me, being lonely with no one is far better than accepting a relationship that does not make you happy. Since you were admittedly overweight you probably had some feelings of low self worth and those voices inside you may have been telling you that the relationship with him is the best you can do. Congratulations for losing some weight to help rid you of those feelings. You do need to ditch the physical reminders of him and pick a course for your life. Find a hobby doing something that consumes your time and take life one day at a time. Look forward do not look back. One day you will find Mr. Right and you will be glad you put that jerk in your past.

Getting Over "Him"

Years ago I had a vanilla LTR with a man I met online. We were completely enamored with each other and he did move here to be with me after we did the long distance thing for years. But when he moved here he was distant and ALWAYS on the computer hiding windows whenever I was around. I confronted him about it and finally after his stories didnt add up I posted a blind ad on craigslist and guess who responded! He denied the entire thing (idiot! He sent a PICTURE!!). I kicked him out (doh!) and after he was gone I found a LOT of stuff about him I didn't know about: compulsive liar, into drugs and obviously thought nothing of cheating.

The problem was that before all of this happened I was madly in love with him. I could not be in relationship like that after all of that but it didnt stop me from the mourning and recovery process. I broke up with him but I was the one hurting.

I think the most important thing is to take time to be alone, do things for yourself and soul search and then get out there and date again when you are ready. You WILL get over this man and chances are there was more going on than you were able to prove. Remember: if someone's actions and words don't coordinate there is SOMETHING wrong. Always trust your gut instincts and never settle for less you deserve.

Good luck! Be positive and persistant things WILL get better.

Miss B

I've had two seperate relationships where I thought there was a lot of long term potential - and I've been left each time in very harsh ways (I'm sorry, but I just can't do this anymore...I need to work on myself etc).

I don't think anyone can truly get over things like that because it leaves such a scar behind. I still think of both of them and the first one was ended in 2002. The other one was in 2008. It's made me very gun shy about relationships and very picky about who I choose to get interested in. I can't say that things will get better, but tomorrow is a new day.