I have this friend who has a online Master

Yeah, online, I know, but to her the relationship is real. Recently her husband died. Two months ago or so. The guy is in a happy marriage. She was feeling down and needed to talk to him. He wouldn't accept her calls or return her emails for two days. When he did he said he loved her but that he doesn't handle meltdowns well.

To me this is one big flag and she doesn't need this person in her life anyone. Certainly not as a Master. How can you be a Master if you can't be a friend? I don't have any personal interest in it outside of just friendship. But I hope she gets out now before she gets in deeper. This isn't going to end well.

Sounds like a fair-weather friend and then some.

She needs you to tell you this?

I agree, it was a totally naff comment on his behalf, but to me, the degree of naffness would greatly depend on the established protocols regarding contact, given that he has a wife and all.

intothewoods said:

She needs you to tell you this?

Click to expand...

She wrote me about it. Like she is conflicted on what to do. I don't understand why she would even accept the relationship to begin with. The guy doesn't even live close to her.

Its easy for an online relationship to be mostly in your own head. Its very real and central to her but to him she is likely just some entertainment and amusement on the side. Doesn't sound like he's really emotionally invested in her.

Speaking from past experience, 'on-line' can be as real as the people make it...

IMO, they both need to understand what their levels of commitment are to one another...

If he is just in it for the entertainment purposes, then he needs to be honest about it with her... But she also needs to be realistic in her expectations as well...

My best advice to her would be to find a single dominant... there are a few out there... and even some good ones...

Have to agree with MP. If you get involved with someone who is committed to another person, the reality is you cannot expect them to be there for you every time you need them to be as you are not their only priority. It seems harsh, but when more then 2 people are involved, often someone is going to get left out or alone simply because no-one can be in 2 places at the same time.

Catalina

I dont know who this person is, however, I am a real life slave with a real life Master for 7+ yrs. And, one of the ways I serve him is by moderating an online egroup for subs and slaves to discuss problems, ask questions, etc from other subs & slaves.

As my Master wishes it to be, Doms are not allowed in the group just so the subs/slaves can feel comfortable getting the support they need without worrying what their Master/Dom will say. And, we talk to and support any sub/slave online or in real life.

Online is completely different from real life, but most of us learned and started out with online. Our support group has subs/slaves who have been online for years and are happy with their relationship. And there are those who needed to find real life Dominants for their own reasons. But, we also know that for real love to happen there must be some kind of commitment from both parties for it to become anything more than a fantasy, and a way to have a quick faceless orgasm.

There is a fine line between fantasy and really feeling loved, and valued (which is what every sub and slave craves), and satisfying the need to belong. Our support group can help with online or real life since we have all been there and done that.

I started online, and because I needed for the fantasy to become real I searched until I found my chosen Dominant, who is now my wonderful Master. So, it is possible to find that One who becomes your center, but to dominate you properly you must also become His/Her center. And that definitely requires commitment, commitment, commitment from BOTH people.

I am part of a poly BDSM Family, and another part of my service to my Master, and those in his House, is to help people in the community. So, if anyone knows this person, or any other sub/slave who has been disillusioned or hurt (in any of the many ways a person can be hurt by a wannabe who doesnt have a clue to what a sub wants or needs) please have them contact me privately, or through feedback in my stories (Escapades of Eva) here on Literotica.

I will be happy to talk to them and explain the difference in the needs/realities of online and real life BDSM. And maybe, if they want to know more I can introduce them to a real support group who will help them.

Thank you and regardless of your own kinky persuasions have a Happy Holiday Season

strayangel

WriterDom said:

How can you be a Master if you can't be a friend?

Click to expand...

The question next month:
How can you have sex without love?!

Primalex said:

The question next month:
How can you have sex without love?!

Click to expand...

It typically starts with unclothing the pertinent parts.

WriterDom said:

Yeah, online, I know, but to her the relationship is real. Recently her husband died. Two months ago or so. The guy is in a happy marriage. She was feeling down and needed to talk to him. He wouldn't accept her calls or return her emails for two days. When he did he said he loved her but that he doesn't handle meltdowns well.

To me this is one big flag and she doesn't need this person in her life anyone. Certainly not as a Master. How can you be a Master if you can't be a friend? I don't have any personal interest in it outside of just friendship. But I hope she gets out now before she gets in deeper. This isn't going to end well.

Click to expand...

Her husband died about two months ago. The guy is in a happy marriage.
It sounds like she is in a lot of grief. Not only did her husband just die, but she is trying to get emotional support from someone who can not meet that need, due to his emotions being with his wife. It sounds like she needs friends around her. People who can be there to tell her they love her, and hold her. To be with her physically and emotionally. If she wants an online Master, she needs to let the person know that at this point, she needs daily contact. They need to understand they are taking on someone who is in pain, and who is very fragile. If this man really loves her, he needs to lover her enough to give her the support that she needs right now. i don't know. Without knowing the person, or the actual situation it is hard to say what to do. First and formost, she needs support. If He can not give it to her, she needs to seek it out.

nevermind

i will keep her in my prayers.

strayangel said:

So, if anyone knows this person, or any other sub/slave who has been disillusioned or hurt (in any of the many ways a person can be hurt by a wannabe who doesn't have a clue to what a sub wants or needs) please have them contact me privately, or through feedback in my stories (Escapades of Eva) here on Literotica.

I will be happy to talk to them and explain the difference in the needs/realities of online and real life BDSM. And maybe, if they want to know more I can introduce them to a real support group who will help them.

Click to expand...

IMO the suggestion was very sweet, but if the user/wannabe/HNG conversation occurs behind closed doors (via PM), those persons most needing the education/information are getting one person's version/definition of things - whereas in a forum such as the Lit BDSM boards, there are multiple opinions, experiences, and fountains of knowledge to draw from.

If the conversation occurs behind closed doors, the forum also ends up with one less resource thread for new people to read/join/participate in the next time an issue such as this crops up. Hell the BDSM Library thread (pinned at the top of the forum) has an entire category for online experiences, finding a local support group, and relationships, with new threads on similar subjects cropping up weekly.

I would suggest it might be a better service to the Lit BDSM community, for strayangel to share her knowledge with the board however she feels best, as the fishnet of knowledge could be cast much further and wider than via PM.

ataxia.girl said:

Its easy for an online relationship to be mostly in your own head. Its very real and central to her but to him she is likely just some entertainment and amusement on the side. Doesn't sound like he's really emotionally invested in her.

Click to expand...

Agreed. It is very easy (as I know from personal experience) when you are emotionally vulnerable and perhaps a bit naive, to get involved with someone who is really not right for you.

neci_please_me said:

It sounds like she is in a lot of grief. Not only did her husband just die, but she is trying to get emotional support from someone who can not meet that need, due to his emotions being with his wife. It sounds like she needs friends around her. People who can be there to tell her they love her, and hold her. To be with her physically and emotionally. If she wants an online Master, she needs to let the person know that at this point, she needs daily contact. They need to understand they are taking on someone who is in pain, and who is very fragile. If this man really loves her, he needs to lover her enough to give her the support that she needs right now. i don't know. Without knowing the person, or the actual situation it is hard to say what to do. First and formost, she needs support. If He can not give it to her, she needs to seek it out.

Click to expand...

I became involved online (and r/t) with a married man before I met Sir (this was a vanilla relationship). I had left my husband who was emotionally abusive about three months before and was still finding my feet. This person just didn't have the time to support me when things in my life became very stressful and after almost a year I became aware that he was pulling away from me and I found out he'd met someone else who lived closer (in the same town no less).

WriterDom said:

He wouldn't accept her calls or return her emails for two days. When he did he said he loved her but that he doesn't handle meltdowns well.

Click to expand...

Boy does this sound familiar The man I met said he loved me too, but then I found out he was saying exactly the same thing to the other woman....that was the final straw. I had just begun chatting to Sir at the time and then I found out what it was like to have someone who was able to give me that support and love that had been sadly lacking in the other relationship.

She needs some professional help in dealing with her loss.

My heart goes out to your friend. I was in a R/L relationship w/ my Master for 9 years. We separated earlier this year. I tried online recently and while it was fun for a hot second it is not like the real thing. W/ online, especially if you are both committed to other people, there is an element of fantasy - unless you both desire to meet later.

Her Master may not be emotionally available to help her through this time. He may have thought that he was just signing up for the fun stuff. She really needs to seek help and support from the people in her life who love her or from a professional to help deal with her grief. I hope she is able to find some peace soon.

Was she with this Master before her husband died? Or did she find him just in the last 2 months?

If a single woman is involved with a married man whether that relationship is online or in person than there should be a understanding that he will not be able to give her the time and support a man would be able to give if he is single. I don't think the man is being unreasonable. She knew what she was getting into (I assume) when she first met him.

On the other hand if they were together before her husband died then it would depend on the dynamics and emotional investment already in the relationship.

I've been with my PYL for almost 5 years now. We are both married to others. If something should happen to my husband my D/s relationship would change to being friends. I know I would want more than would be realistic or fair for him to provide to me.

ecstaticsub said:

Was she with this Master before her husband died? Or did she find him just in the last 2 months?

.

Click to expand...

It had gone on for over a year I think.