Humbly request feedback for first story

Greetings people. I've just posted my first erotic story:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=454884

I am hoping that I can get some feedback or reviews on this story - the good and the bad 'please', with any constructive criticism appreciated.

I would be very grateful for any comments recieved including criticism, so that I could improve upon my efforts in the future. That is, if I do decide to finish the novel or at least complete some more chapters.

The story in question is just the 'first chapter' in what may become a novel. It is approximatly 20K words long and I wrote it off and on for some months.

Toward the end of the story(first chapter) I kind of rushed the ending so am not entirely satisfied with how that went. But I really wanted to get it posted and see what the punters thought before I made any more progress, or otherwise.

The title of the story is a little bland too: Voyeur.

While I am hardly proficient with the finer details of grammar or characterisation, I just went with the flow and did the best I could.

One thing which has interested me regards writing this particular genre is comming to terms with the relationship the author has with the content of the text. In other words, seeking to reconcile what the characters in a story do, in relation to my own tastes and desires in relation to sex.

Effectivly, one(author) must, at least in some regards, detache oneself from what the characters in a story do, in lieu of the fact that what ever they do, this does not necessarily represent the fantasies and desires of said author. Indeed there may very well be many things the characters in a story do which may even disgust the author. It is this factor which can make this genre intrigueing.

Appologies for spelling errors and other grammer issues.

Will await feedback and will be curious to see how this story is taken by readers and writers alike.

Thanks ahead of time - Existencialisticism.

I've read stories which had a lengthy narrative within them and it's a hard thing to pull off.

What you have done to immerse a reader in the story within the story is excellent. However viewed from the story level Leanne is sometimes conveying a lot of information in each spoken paragraph.

If I were to make a suggestion it would be to add a little more breathing space in some of the lengthy spoken paragraphs on pages 5 and 6, so that Leanne doesn't seem to be reading straight from her written notes. It's not her eloquence that is worrying, just the pace at which she's telling her story.

There's also a potential gold mine towards the start of page 5 that I feel you've missed. Mike tells Leanne the story of how he was in the closet the whole time that Leanne and Lisa were talking, but he doesn't tell it in so many words.

It's a good read, though, and a great effort. Look forward to seeing more!

Thankyou kindly Mrtouf.

I shall go back at some stage and re-read the parts you specified to see if I can make improvements, or at least take what you said into consideration for any future efforts.

I'd not bothered to put the story before an editor prior to posting so I can appreciate it is rough around the edges. I had no idea how this story would be recieved so I am glad that at least a few people found it to be something other than absolute garbage.

Thanks again.

Look forward to any other feedback or reviews.