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Old 10-30-2013, 08:03 AM   #1
renorwood
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Smile Feedback Request for First Submission - Erotic Couplings

Hi all,

My first story was just approved and I would really like some feedback on it.

http://www.literotica.com/s/innocent-foot-rub

I know there is always room for improvement. Thanks for taking the time!

ren
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Old 10-30-2013, 08:16 AM   #2
kbate
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You can stop using their names in dialogue attribution after the first few sentences. She said and he said is better and less distracting.

Your opening paragraph is clumsy and you would have been just as well off without it - beginning with the dialogue which describes the event in the next few paragraphs. Never start by explaining (telling) to set the scene - just let the scene grow.

The whole paragraph about "sex with husband is a given" and "but not with steve" is a bit silly, as it is obvious from the beginning that they are going to have sex.

Overall, it's a decent effort.
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Old 10-30-2013, 08:43 AM   #3
FlyAwayFromHere
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Thumbs up well done

I actually liked everything you did really. It wasnt a big turn on for me (a bit tame, hehe), but the writing was good and everything was fine. You will never get everything right but i felt you did more than good enough for a fist submission. Keep polishing up little bits, like i am on mine, we will get there eventually hehe.

off topic, a bit of advice for new writers (like me)...

Just remember that even if it was perfect, it wont make everyone happy because it wont always be their thing, or they would have done it differently.

I just tell myself that all opinions on anything other than grammar and spelling are personal to them. I want to please my readers, so i listen to them, but i dont let it get me down. xx

Good luck,

Fly x
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Old 10-30-2013, 05:20 PM   #4
renorwood
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Thank you both for taking the time to read my story and for the constructive feedback.

I never did really think I got the first paragraph right and I'll certainly learn from that.

Also, thanks for the new writer advice
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Old 10-30-2013, 05:29 PM   #5
FlyAwayFromHere
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glad i can help .
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Old 10-30-2013, 06:56 PM   #6
Lavender10
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"Amanda had her arms around Steve's neck and she caught the scent of his smell."

Scent and smell are the same so that's redundant.

ETA: I liked your story.
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Old 10-31-2013, 06:58 AM   #7
renorwood
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lavender10 View Post
"Amanda had her arms around Steve's neck and she caught the scent of his smell."

Scent and smell are the same so that's redundant.

ETA: I liked your story.
You are absolutely right! I totally missed that. Thanks for the feedback.
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Old 11-01-2013, 08:42 AM   #8
kalamain
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I enjoyed the story. It was short and sweet but you got everything that was needed.

The only issue I had was what kbate said about the constant use of the names. I found it a bit irritating but it didn't retract from the story...So no issues there.

However....What happened to her bad ankle? When she walked to the window at the end all I could think of was 'She got over that quick enough!'
I guess all the endorphins rushing through her system helped!

I intended on giving the story a 4 but slipped and gave it a 3 by mistake...And it won't let me change it. Working on a laptop with a crappy mousepad has its issues.
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Old 11-01-2013, 09:02 AM   #9
renorwood
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kalamain View Post
However....What happened to her bad ankle? When she walked to the window at the end all I could think of was 'She got over that quick enough!'
I guess all the endorphins rushing through her system helped!

I intended on giving the story a 4 but slipped and gave it a 3 by mistake...And it won't let me change it. Working on a laptop with a crappy mousepad has its issues.
Good one! I didn't even catch that...obviously

Thank you for pointing that out...I have to pay more attention to the details!

No biggie about the vote. It's been hovering around about the same score so I doubt it's going to change very much at this point.

I really appreciate you taking the time to read my story and giving me some constructive feedback!
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Old 11-01-2013, 11:47 AM   #10
joelafayette
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You are writing another chapter, right? I think you're good enough where people will want to read more about these two characters. Good read.
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Old 11-01-2013, 11:53 AM   #11
renorwood
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Quote:
Originally Posted by joelafayette View Post
You are writing another chapter, right? I think you're good enough where people will want to read more about these two characters. Good read.

I've already got a submission in to add "Ch. 01" to the original story and a rough draft of Ch. 02 written. It will need to percolate a few days and go through some rewrite and editing before I submit.

I'm also participating in NaNoWriMo so it's going to be very busy!

Thank you for your kind words and encouragement
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