Old 06-05-2014, 07:19 AM   #1
electricpoet
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Lust For Leanne

I Really Loved Your Pictures
They Made Me Want To Play
You Have The Makings Of An Ideal Sub
Perfect In Every Way

And I Was Really Quite Impressed
That You Did Obey My Command
So Now When I Get You Undressed
Your Arse Will Be Suitably Tanned

Then If You Again Comply With My Wishes
And Remember Your Rightful Place
I Will Smother Your Pussy With Kisses
Until You Squirt In My Face

Then After You Are Nice And Wet
And Are Ready For Your 1st Multiple Orgasm
My Cock I Will Slowly Slide Into
Your Aching Pleasure Chasm

When My Balls Have Come To Rest
Up Against Your Bum
I Will Kiss And Suck Each Breast
And Fuck You Deep And Hard Until You Cum

As You Begin To Moan And Shout
" Oh God Master, Please Don't Stop!!"
I'll Continue Ramming In And Out
My Throbbing Rock Hard Cock

As You Dig Your Nails Into My Back
To Pull Me Deeper Inside
My Balls Against Your Arse Will Slap
And Our Orgasms Coincide

Then When We Have Recovered And Are Ready For More Fun
I'll Say " Leanne Get Up In Your Knees,
I Want To Fuck Your Bum'
And When You Are Ready
I'll Bury My Face In Your Pussy's Cum
As Nice And Slow And Steady
Up Your Arse Crease My Tongue I'll Run

Then You'll Bite Your Bottom Lip
And The Pillow You Will Squeeze
When I Insert The Swollen Tip
And Then Take It Back Out
"master You Are Such A Fucking Tease,

Put It Back !" I Hear You Shout.......
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Old 06-05-2014, 08:16 AM   #2
Trixareforkids
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This did nothing for me. It doesn't flow well. You need to trim most of the thens/ands.

That alone won't fix the flow, you need to make it less of a check list.

It doesn't have a dominating feel at all. You should look at Todski's stuff in the 'just porn' thread. It's not really bdsm but it has a command feel that's lacking here.

Also read your poem aloud to hear where the hitches in flow are. Trim words wherever possible. You can have non-rhyming words, rhyme alone does not make it poetic.

Good luck with reworking it.
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Old 06-05-2014, 08:59 PM   #3
Magnetron
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I hear a vaudeville act with a piano playing and then it morphs into an episode of South Park where Mr. Garrison is singing to his slave boyfriend.

Not erotic or poetic in the least.

Write it again without any rhymes and then ask yourself what makes this story different from every other Master / Sub story. If you don't come up with an answer, then you don't have a story that hasn't already been told by someone else. And it is in that unique story you aren't telling is where the real poetry will be found.
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Old 06-06-2014, 07:43 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magnetron View Post
I hear a vaudeville act with a piano playing and then it morphs into an episode of South Park where Mr. Garrison is singing to his slave boyfriend.

Not erotic or poetic in the least.

Write it again without any rhymes and then ask yourself what makes this story different from every other Master / Sub story. If you don't come up with an answer, then you don't have a story that hasn't already been told by someone else. And it is in that unique story you aren't telling is where the real poetry will be found.
master is not in caps, every other word is, looks like a spoof. A bad idea for a spoof, but it may even be a cut above any other dim Dom/Sub so called poem I've ever seen here.

Your Aching Pleasure Chasm, yep a slim cut above. By two slices of baloney.
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Old 06-06-2014, 09:14 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by twelveoone View Post
master is not in caps, every other word is, looks like a spoof. A bad idea for a spoof, but it may even be a cut above any other dim Dom/Sub so called poem I've ever seen here.

Your Aching Pleasure Chasm, yep a slim cut above. By two slices of baloney.
I thought it might be intentional, but then I saw master was capped earlier on during the next pass.

You Have The Makings Of An Ideal Sub
Perfect In Every Way
Two Slices Of Baloney
For Me To Slather My mayo In If I May

Last edited by Magnetron : 06-06-2014 at 09:19 AM.
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Old 06-06-2014, 10:31 AM   #6
bronzeage
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Quote:
Originally Posted by twelveoone View Post
master is not in caps, every other word is, looks like a spoof. A bad idea for a spoof, but it may even be a cut above any other dim Dom/Sub so called poem I've ever seen here.

Your Aching Pleasure Chasm, yep a slim cut above. By two slices of baloney.
The typical Dom/sub poem is intended for an audience of one and posting it on the internet is like sending flowers to her(his) workplace, instead of home delivery.

The best way to approach this kind of work is to pretend we weren't suppose to see it. We came across a mislaid letter and are voyeurs of someone else's private affairs.

This makes "Aching Pleasure Chasm," and "Throbbing Rock Hard Cock," forgivable offenses. We weren't supposed to see that.
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Old 06-06-2014, 02:15 PM   #7
twelveoone
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Originally Posted by Magnetron View Post
I thought it might be intentional, but then I saw master was capped earlier on during the next pass.

You Have The Makings Of An Ideal Sub
Perfect In Every Way
Two Slices Of Baloney
For Me To Slather My mayo In If I May
yep, this is poetry, play in sub, adds the double meaning to mayo
unfortunately, it is better than half (conservative estimate) of new poems
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Old 06-07-2014, 11:40 AM   #8
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Reading L4L was like falling up the stairs. Not only painful, but hard to do.
But i'm pretty sure that was the script's objective.
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Old 06-07-2014, 11:54 AM   #9
twelveoone
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Originally Posted by pensivepoet View Post
Reading L4L was like falling up the stairs. Not only painful, but hard to do.
But i'm pretty sure that was the script's objective.
what are you talking about? L4L nomenclature?
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Old 06-07-2014, 12:58 PM   #10
Tsotha
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Quote:
Originally Posted by twelveoone View Post
what are you talking about? L4L nomenclature?
Lust For Leanne. L4L.
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Old 06-07-2014, 01:02 PM   #11
twelveoone
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Lust For Leanne. L4L.
be surprised if electricpoet shows
and there is something pensivepoet knows
probably bros.
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