Old 10-12-2015, 08:50 AM   #1
NjoyIt
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My Muse

(edited after comments. thanks)

She entered my life
I did not enter hers
I wanted to, badly

She has a playful mind
Her mind is playful
Her mind and mine

She reaches in
She touches more than she knows
I throttle back, reluctantly

In her normalcy
I explode
Unseen and unheard

Her lips
Are where words go to play

I, yes I, want to tie the knot
Of her unmet desire

Last edited by NjoyIt : 10-14-2015 at 08:14 PM.
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Old 10-12-2015, 08:34 PM   #2
Lyricalli
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Hi NjoyIt. Welcome to the forum.

If I can offer a little feedback on your poem, my first suggestion is to not break up every line so that it's standing alone by itself. You could group them into segments, or just have them one right after the other, but the line separations leads one to read a line, pause, then read the next line. Think about how you'd like the poem to be read. I find reading my poems out loud helps me to edit them and make them read more naturally. To me, anyway.

The repetition of playful mind doesn't seem useful here, but that may be due to not knowing how the poem is supposed to sound due to the line spaces.

“Her mind and mine” sounds good, but it doesn't lead anywhere, or seem to come from anywhere. With the “and mine” the narrator makes his first appearance, but I'm not sure why.

I'm going to leave it at that, right now, and hopefully some of the more experienced writers will have something to say.
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Old 10-14-2015, 08:31 AM   #3
NjoyIt
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Thanks for the feedback Lyricalli it is appreciated and you make sense. I hope to hear from others as well. Again, thank you.

--njoyit
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Old 10-14-2015, 10:57 AM   #4
bigbustybeauty
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Seems tortured, yet beautiful at the same time. I don't get caught up in form. The spacing and line breaks almost seem intentional to me, like you have so much to say, but the stops and starts are conflicting with what you want to say and how you want to say it. Just my interpretation, but thanks for sharing.
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Old 10-14-2015, 02:44 PM   #5
pelegrino
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In a few lines it gives me plenty of the description and feelings that I want to come in touch with in a poem, and I found them well expressed and clear. It also gave me some shades of unattainable satisfaction throughout, but that is ok, cause it still makes it more of a poem.
I agree with previous commentators on line separations and effect created if read aloud.
Well done, thanks for sharing.
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Old 10-14-2015, 06:13 PM   #6
NjoyIt
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Thanks all for your comments. I had a lot of feelings inside that needed expressed. So, I opened the post started writing and in a manner of mins this is what popped out. It was an enjoyable few mins. Thank you all.

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Old 11-23-2015, 07:23 PM   #7
daddysbaby150
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Beautiful poem.
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