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Why Dominate?

BiBunny

BiBunny

Moon Queen & Wanderer
Joined
Dec 7, 2005
Posts
12,197
I'm currently reading a bunch of stuff as research for work. It's non-fiction, primarily femdom/msub stuff, but there are some other things thrown in as well. I'm taking it all with a fairly large grain of salt, but a common thing that keeps running through my mind is "Good lord, that's a lot of work." That could just be my way of looking at things.

Additionally, there are several threads floating around here at the moment, namely the doormat thread, the brat thread, and the women = sluts thread. From what I gather from the comments of others, doormats and brats are both too much work.

Furthermore, Homburg's comments here seem to echo the vibe I get from many people, vanilla and kinky alike. Nobody really wants to bother to put a whole lot of effort into relationships.

I want to say up front that I'd prefer this didn't turn into "doormats and brats suck, part deux."

But, all these things considered, it makes me wonder why men and women choose to be dominant within their relationships. (Yes, I know some people can be considered "naturally" dominant, but they still chose to enter an unequal partnership, rather than an equal one.)

I'm not really talking the bedroom play/equal outside the bedroom dynamic. I mean, where the dominant party is making the bulk of or all of the decisions concerning the relationship and/or the well-being of all parties involved.

What is it that makes the extra "work" appealing to you? Why do you bother? Obviously, it makes you happy in some way, or you wouldn't do it, but what about this kind of relationship makes the additional effort and responsibility worthwhile?
 
i'm currently masturbating almost exclusively to fantasies of Dominating men. An interesting boy recently approached me who lives in the area i travel for work and see Daddy. i admit... even just for a sex-only relationship i'm kinda thinking its too much trouble. Jilling off is one thing, actually dealing with a needy sub is something else entirely. Daddy wants me to get a girl pet (don't men always :rolleyes:) and although less sexually appealing part of me prefers that idea cuz at least she could mostly be Daddy's problem... er i mean toy.

So yeah... who knows why but then... why do people have kids?
 
ataxia.girl said:
i'm currently masturbating almost exclusively to fantasies of Dominating men. An interesting boy recently approached me who lives in the area i travel for work and see Daddy. i admit... even just for a sex-only relationship i'm kinda thinking its too much trouble. Jilling off is one thing, actually dealing with a needy sub is something else entirely. Daddy wants me to get a girl pet (don't men always :rolleyes:) and although less sexually appealing part of me prefers that idea cuz at least she could mostly be Daddy's problem... er i mean toy.

So yeah... who knows why but then... why do people have kids?
Click to expand...

Because for some reason completely unbeknownst to me, it apparently makes them happy, LOL.
 
ataxia.girl said:
So yeah... who knows why but then... why do people have kids?
Click to expand...

I can't help Bunny with her question, but I can help you with yours. Sort of. I think, like domination, that you have to want to to understand why people want to. I don't understand why anyone would want to be a dominant, and people who don't want kids can't understand why people do.

That said: I love kids. They have an amazing view of the world. What they get out of situations, and their logic never ceases to amaze/amuse/shock me. I remember when my daughter told me that their was no bathroom in heaven, so she'd just pee on the grass. LOL I also love their honesty. If a child doesn't like you, or their food, or whatever YOU KNOW IT. The same with if they love something.

That's another reason I love kids. They love with their whole hearts. It's completely unconditional, and something that I don't feel that adults could ever conceive of.

Also, there's the whole thing of a fresh slate. A chance to try and undo what's been done. Some people are into the whole immortality part of parenting; you know a piece of them living on, etc. I could care less. If my kids never had kids, I wouldn't care. I want my children to be happy, and if that doesn't lead to parenting, then oh well.

Yes, children are noisy and messy and quite often rude. So're some adults, but that's another rant. No choice is perfect. While I can't just go wherever I want, whenever I want, I also know what it's like to have a child toddle to you, big grin, and say 'mama!' for the first time. I routinely bruise my feet on toys, but when it's bed time there are three little people who want hugs and kisses, even when I haven't been the best mama.
 
That question was mostly in jest... mostly. i went through years of infertility treatments and tests and surgeries etc, etc to have mine so i do get it. i didn't have them for all the right reasons but i do love them, probably more than they will ever know.

Anyway. i don't want to jack Bunny's thread so...

Why do people Dominate anyway?
 
ataxia.girl said:
That question was mostly in jest... mostly. i went through years of infertility treatments and tests and surgeries etc, etc to have mine so i do get it. i didn't have them for all the right reasons but i do love them, probably more than they will ever know.

Anyway. i don't want to jack Bunny's thread so...

Why do people Dominate anyway?
Click to expand...

Feel free to jack it. God knows I do it to other people's threads on a regular basis. :eek:
 
Dominance as:

An attitude. (internal, in a way that is good for me)
An action. (physical, to behave outside of usual.)
An expression (spiritual, to feel peace in myself)
An expression (emotional, to create feeling in my sweetheart)
A relationship (social, to explore a connection)

*here, the word need has meaning closer to want.

EDIT: Fuck, it appears that I have written a post without listening to all of what bunny said. Apologies :(

EDIT EDIT: Because I have wishes and expectations and insecurities that I like to deal to by making choices to benefit me. Because I am free to do anything i desire. Because it feels beneficial to me. Because it allows me to be more honest.
 
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BiBunny said:
But, all these things considered, it makes me wonder why men and women choose to be dominant within their relationships. (Yes, I know some people can be considered "naturally" dominant, but they still chose to enter an unequal partnership, rather than an equal one.)

I'm not really talking the bedroom play/equal outside the bedroom dynamic. I mean, where the dominant party is making the bulk of or all of the decisions concerning the relationship and/or the well-being of all parties involved.

What is it that makes the extra "work" appealing to you? Why do you bother? Obviously, it makes you happy in some way, or you wouldn't do it, but what about this kind of relationship makes the additional effort and responsibility worthwhile?
Click to expand...

BiBunny said:
What is it that makes the extra "work" appealing to you? Why do you bother? Obviously, it makes you happy in some way, or you wouldn't do it, but what about this kind of relationship makes the additional effort and responsibility worthwhile?
Click to expand...

Hmmmm

I don't really look at it as work, or to say it another way I don't approach it in such a literal conscious way. Its more of, me just being me. Mostly speaking about the relationship side of things here.

As an example, ambition tends to be a part of my character. I am an outcome driven kind of guy and derive pleasure when I take things in hand and get it done right the first time.

Not that ambition equates to being dominant, but I think you get what I am trying to say here. I don't sit around and think...ok how am I going to dominate my partner today, or how am I going to exercise the power and control in my relationship.

If something is that important to me, I will exert the needed energy to take care of it. If it is not that important to me, or if I know I suck at something, I have no problems delegating.

I think its more true than not, that if you are exerting constantly extra energy in order to live up to some level "ideal" in order to make it work, chances are high that eventually you will just tire out. I hear many relationships where this happens. People, both dominants and submissives alike try to fill expectations of others for various reasons, but one can only do that for so long.

I am not saying that you don't have to work hard at making a releationship successful, but I have always subscribed and still do to the philosophy, that "you should work at your relationship, but your relationship should never be considered work."
 
What extra work?

It’s like any relationship, you got to remember birthdays, and keep up appearances, and be supportive, all that shit.

Worth it I suppose.
 
What is it that makes the extra "work" appealing to you? Why do you bother? Obviously, it makes you happy in some way, or you wouldn't do it, but what about this kind of relationship makes the additional effort and responsibility worthwhile?
Click to expand...

'Cause if she enjoys it as much as I do - and if she doesn't, I wouldn't be doing it - then it'll make her happy. Why else do you do all the other precious little things in a relationship?
 
Like YC said, a relationship is work.

I don't regard dominance as extra work, per se, because it's like breathing, it's just there and I do it.

It is extra responsibility, but I don't mind that. Hell, I embrace it.
 
RJMasters said:
I am not saying that you don't have to work hard at making a releationship successful, but I have always subscribed and still do to the philosophy, that "you should work at your relationship, but your relationship should never be considered work."
Click to expand...


Very well put.

I think it all boils down to what makes one happy. Some people actually seek out brats, and some like to micro manage, while others prefer to keep any power exchange in the bedroom. I don't think any one of those choices are any more work than another, to those involved. However give a brat to Jounar and he'd get fed up in less than a week. I'm service oriented, and while I'm also an attention whore and admitedly more needy than I'd like to be, my first priority to always please him works with his desire to have some one at his beck and call. While I seek his advice on near everything, he doesn't micro manage, and I can't see him ever wanting to. He says it's too much work. But what he does decide to voice on, his word is law.

But I think that this idea of the "ultimit form of domination", if you will, is micro management is one that I will never fully be able to shake. And that does seem like more work than it's worth to me, which might be why I once wanted to be on the recieving end of such a relationship, I thought that having no choice, no voice would make life easier.

Of course this is all from some one who only tried the top life for a very short time...it was too much work.
 
Power over another is the very thing that attracted me to it. It's where the high comes from. Plus I enjoy being the director. Having things go my way. It's play. I would never consider it work ever. And unless it's just a three hour meeting you do have some down time. Time to cuddle up and watch a movie or go to dinner.

I have the next meeting completely planned for the first hour or two and a vague outline of what comes later. I spent a lot of time thinking about and revising it but I never once considered it work. :devil:
 
BiBunny said:
I'm not really talking the bedroom play/equal outside the bedroom dynamic. I mean, where the dominant party is making the bulk of or all of the decisions concerning the relationship and/or the well-being of all parties involved.

What is it that makes the extra "work" appealing to you? Why do you bother? Obviously, it makes you happy in some way, or you wouldn't do it, but what about this kind of relationship makes the additional effort and responsibility worthwhile?
Click to expand...
With regard to issues that have an impact on me directly (what are we doing for dinner, when and where are we going on vacation, what happens at Thanksgiving, who's doing which chores, how should we arrange the den furniture, and so on), then I need to be in charge.

One person in charge actually seems like a lot *less* work to me than negotiation and conflict resolution that takes place when authority is shared. But the fact that it feels like less work isn't why I do it. I do it because I have control issues - which is a nice way of saying that if I'm not in charge in my private life, then I'm routinely unhappy and generally pissed off. When I *am* in charge, then I'm happy and routinely aroused.

With regard to areas of a partner's life that have no impact on me directly (a woman's job, her relationships with her own friends & family, her volunteer efforts, her outside hobbies), I have no interest in exerting control, as long as those activities take place when I don't require her time and attention. This has nothing to do with the notion that such control would represent more "work" on my part, and everything to do with the fact that I find women with independent interests, achievements, and abilities attractive, and enjoy interacting with them as peers.
 
BiBunny said:
What is it that makes the extra "work" appealing to you? Why do you bother? Obviously, it makes you happy in some way, or you wouldn't do it, but what about this kind of relationship makes the additional effort and responsibility worthwhile?
Click to expand...

It's interesting that you in specific bring this up. Elsewhere I remember reading that you said in a workplace you do well in positions where people rely on you. You're at your best when you absolutely have to pull through, and in the process, that would more than likely require you to put forth a greater effort to get something done, and get it right.

Why should being the dominant in a relationship, or in bed, be different? Of course this doesn't apply to every dominant, but certainly the ones who keep their pyls happy.
 
BiBunny said:
I'm currently reading a bunch of stuff as research for work. It's non-fiction, primarily femdom/msub stuff, but there are some other things thrown in as well. I'm taking it all with a fairly large grain of salt, but a common thing that keeps running through my mind is "Good lord, that's a lot of work." That could just be my way of looking at things.

Additionally, there are several threads floating around here at the moment, namely the doormat thread, the brat thread, and the women = sluts thread. From what I gather from the comments of others, doormats and brats are both too much work.

Furthermore, Homburg's comments here seem to echo the vibe I get from many people, vanilla and kinky alike. Nobody really wants to bother to put a whole lot of effort into relationships.

I want to say up front that I'd prefer this didn't turn into "doormats and brats suck, part deux."

But, all these things considered, it makes me wonder why men and women choose to be dominant within their relationships. (Yes, I know some people can be considered "naturally" dominant, but they still chose to enter an unequal partnership, rather than an equal one.)

I'm not really talking the bedroom play/equal outside the bedroom dynamic. I mean, where the dominant party is making the bulk of or all of the decisions concerning the relationship and/or the well-being of all parties involved.

What is it that makes the extra "work" appealing to you? Why do you bother? Obviously, it makes you happy in some way, or you wouldn't do it, but what about this kind of relationship makes the additional effort and responsibility worthwhile?
Click to expand...

Why? Because it's who I am. I can pretend not to be a dom, but pretending leaves me unsatisfied, frustrated, unhappy, and even damages my self confidence. Because it's so much fun. Because I get a much bigger charge out of my partner's sexual release than I do out of my own. Because it makes me feel powerful, and needed. A whole lot of reasons.

It isn't 'work'. It's rewarding, to help someone to experience what she wants and needs to experience, to help her to flower as a person. To build up her confidence and her sense of being valued and wanted and appreciated for what she is.

And if you saw the doormat thread and the brat thread as just doms putting subs down, I think you misread. The doms who posted were not all singing from the same hymn sheet, by any means. For every flavour of sub from the doormattiest to the brattiest, there's a matching flavour of dom. Personally, I don't want a doormat, and I don't want a sub who's bratty all the time. But I most definitely do want a sub who's bratty some of the time, who does play 'make me' when we both know it's play.
 
SimonBrooke said:
Why? Because it's who I am. I can pretend not to be a dom, but pretending leaves me unsatisfied, frustrated, unhappy, and even damages my self confidence. Because it's so much fun. Because I get a much bigger charge out of my partner's sexual release than I do out of my own. Because it makes me feel powerful, and needed. A whole lot of reasons.

It isn't 'work'. It's rewarding, to help someone to experience what she wants and needs to experience, to help her to flower as a person. To build up her confidence and her sense of being valued and wanted and appreciated for what she is.
Click to expand...
Simon, are you talking about sexual control only, or do you exert control in other aspects of the relationship? If the latter, what would be specific examples of the type of non-sexual decisions or instructions you make/give?
 
JMohegan said:
Simon, are you talking about sexual control only, or do you exert control in other aspects of the relationship? If the latter, what would be specific examples of the type of non-sexual decisions or instructions you make/give?
Click to expand...

The quick answer is that I have not yet. Thus far, my dominance has been in sexual contexts only. In a new relationship I'm negotiating, that may end up a bit different - but not radically different, I think.
 
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Damn, I should read the whole thread before posting.

JMohegan said:
I do it because I have control issues - which is a nice way of saying that if I'm not in charge in my private life, then I'm routinely unhappy and generally pissed off. When I *am* in charge, then I'm happy and routinely aroused.

With regard to areas of a partner's life that have no impact on me directly (a woman's job, her relationships with her own friends & family, her volunteer efforts, her outside hobbies), I have no interest in exerting control, as long as those activities take place when I don't require her time and attention.
Click to expand...

WriterDom said:
Power over another is the very thing that attracted me to it. It's where the high comes from. Plus I enjoy being the director. Having things go my way. It's play. I would never consider it work ever.
Click to expand...

RJMasters said:
I don't really look at it as work, or to say it another way I don't approach it in such a literal conscious way. Its more of, me just being me. Mostly speaking about the relationship side of things here.

[snip]

I am not saying that you don't have to work hard at making a releationship successful, but I have always subscribed and still do to the philosophy, that "you should work at your relationship, but your relationship should never be considered work."
Click to expand...

What the guys said. And recall, these aren't all guys I regularly agree with. bruisedangel (with whom, as most people are probably aware by now, I'm now playing on a fairly serious basis) said a couple of nights ago that she thinks that subs are on the whole stronger than doms. I agree.

Many of us here, on both sides of the fence, are carrying quite a lot of personal damage. I simply don't know whether our dom/sub natures are a consequence of that damage, or whether the personality traits which lead us to self-identifying as dom or sub also make us susceptible to damage.

But whichever, I am damaged; and the consequence of that is that can be much more free and creative and relaxed when I'm dominant in sex.
 
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Strength is independent of PYL/pyl. I believe it takes a goodly modicum of strength to be in a healthy relationship, period. But strength is a mixture of courage, endurance, and lots of other traits. You see somebody who can't even look people in the eye, stutters as they talk, and generally isn't somebody you'd consider 'strong'. Then you find out that they survived cancer with a high fatality rate, went through chemo, etc.

Can't tell me that's not strong.

Who's stronger? Does it matter? So long as they're strong enough to carry out their part of the relationship, it's all good.
 
WriterDom said:
Power over another is the very thing that attracted me to it. It's where the high comes from.
Click to expand...

This is something I can very much relate to.
I never thought about myself as "domme", heck I never even spanked anyone (except my kids 3 times in 22 years), I might even enjoy being "submissive" in sex, sometimes and to some point.
But having power over another human being is my ultimate fix. Personally, I feel better the stronger that person is, more powerful they are the higher I feel when I finally get them under my feet.

When I was living in different circumstances I used to keep several kinds of big, dangerous animals. My Dad said I was nuts and wont be happy until they break every bone in my body, but that was my perfect job and I was completely happy.
After I moved to another country I got another job, it didnt take long before I took the lead in workshop and started to order people around. None complained and the owner was thrilled.

Now I assume you meant dominating in sexual relationship, but I cant really separate that from how I am generally. I am fine with submissive people and I like their company yet I much more enjoy "capturing" people with more dominant personality. I am probably not "real" dominant :D
 
"Work" was probably the wrong word. (I seem to choose the wrong words in all my threads lately. Duh.)

Maybe I should've said "effort" or "responsibility."

Most people, vanilla, kinky, or otherwise, seem to not want to take on any sort of responsibility in relationships. So why would a dominant person? Is it just a part of the dominant personality? I can't figure it out, but then maybe I just think too much.
 
BiBunny said:
"Work" was probably the wrong word. (I seem to choose the wrong words in all my threads lately. Duh.)

Maybe I should've said "effort" or "responsibility."

Most people, vanilla, kinky, or otherwise, seem to not want to take on any sort of responsibility in relationships. So why would a dominant person? Is it just a part of the dominant personality? I can't figure it out, but then maybe I just think too much.
Click to expand...
For every responsibility that one person takes on in making decisions, another person takes on the responsibility to comply or obey. Otherwise, the one making the decisions is just spittin' into the wind.

This reminds me of Graceanne's point about interdependence. In a healthy and sustainable relationship, of any flavor, both parties put forth comparable levels of effort and take on comparable levels of responsibility - even though the manner or mode of effort/responsibility may vary.

Long way of saying - no, I don't see this as a dominant personality thing. I see this as a committed person thing.
 
BiBunny said:
"Work" was probably the wrong word. (I seem to choose the wrong words in all my threads lately. Duh.)

Maybe I should've said "effort" or "responsibility."

Most people, vanilla, kinky, or otherwise, seem to not want to take on any sort of responsibility in relationships. So why would a dominant person? Is it just a part of the dominant personality? I can't figure it out, but then maybe I just think too much.
Click to expand...

Well you dont usually get much out of anything if you dont make effort. More effort, better effect.
I like taking responsibility in relationship, that usually means that whatever good turns out of it is my doing and I find it rewarding. I have no problem admitting when I was wrong and "cleaning the mess" either. I would probably feel very inadequate and lost if I wouldnt take any responsibilities in my relationship.
I think its more kind of "being grown up" thing than anything else.
 
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