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I am a bit confused about being "sub curious"

Tawny_Temptress

Tawny_Temptress

Literotica Guru
Joined
Feb 16, 2008
Posts
13,215
I dont tend to take a lot of crap from anyone, especially men. Then I see the subs here and most of you dont take any shit either.

BUT, If I am into a man and trust him, I want him to be in control and to dominate me. If I am not real into him or trust him yet, the least little thing will make ME dominant.

So, am I really sub material?
 
Tawny_Temptress said:
I dont tend to take a lot of crap from anyone, especially men. Then I see the subs here and most of you dont take any shit either.

BUT, If I am into a man and trust him, I want him to be in control and to dominate me. If I am not real into him or trust him yet, the least little thing will make ME dominant.

So, am I really sub material?
Click to expand...

At the risk of opening another 'what is a real sub' can of worms, that really depends on more than we can gather from a paragraph or two on how you are.

Because it depends on how you define being 'into a man' and 'trusting him'. It depends on what level of control you want to give away, and what kind of domination you're seeking.

At the core, submission is at the very least 'I'm going to let you tell me to do things, and I'm going to do them', or some form therein of allowing yourself to be forced to do things. So if you're willing to submit to the direction of another, then you're a submissive, of some flavor. Then you have to decide where you fit on the spectrum of submission, and what conditions you have to have satisfied before you hand over the leash, as it were.
 
Tawny_Temptress said:
I dont tend to take a lot of crap from anyone, especially men. Then I see the subs here and most of you dont take any shit either.

BUT, If I am into a man and trust him, I want him to be in control and to dominate me. If I am not real into him or trust him yet, the least little thing will make ME dominant.

So, am I really sub material?
Click to expand...
There's a biiiiiig difference between "taking a lot of crap" from someone, and having some be "in control of" and dominating you. One is at least partway up the spectrum of abuse/domestic violence; the other is an *agreement* (spoken or not) that one person is pre-eminent in certain (agreed) areas of your lives together.

And then there's ZRT's final lines, QFT here:

ZRT said:
So if you're willing to submit to the direction of another, then you're a submissive, of some flavor. Then you have to decide where you fit on the spectrum of submission, and what conditions you have to have satisfied before you hand over the leash, as it were.
Click to expand...
Are you "sub material?" That's up to you to decide - and your partner.
 
JtohisPB said:
Isn't there another thread around here about subs not being doormats? I mean, I cannot imagine submitting to a man I don't trust. Ever. You're just being smart.
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Actually this clears up a lot in a few words. I guess I always sort of combined the two in my mind to a degree.
 
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ZRT said:
At the risk of opening another 'what is a real sub' can of worms, that really depends on more than we can gather from a paragraph or two on how you are.

Because it depends on how you define being 'into a man' and 'trusting him'. It depends on what level of control you want to give away, and what kind of domination you're seeking.

At the core, submission is at the very least 'I'm going to let you tell me to do things, and I'm going to do them', or some form therein of allowing yourself to be forced to do things. So if you're willing to submit to the direction of another, then you're a submissive, of some flavor. Then you have to decide where you fit on the spectrum of submission, and what conditions you have to have satisfied before you hand over the leash, as it were.
Click to expand...

I mean it has to be more than just casual. I have to trust them not to lie to me or hurt me physically in a way we havent discussed before hand.

As for "handing over the leash", that sounds good to me. ;)
 
Sir_Winston54 said:
There's a biiiiiig difference between "taking a lot of crap" from someone, and having some be "in control of" and dominating you. One is at least partway up the spectrum of abuse/domestic violence; the other is an *agreement* (spoken or not) that one person is pre-eminent in certain (agreed) areas of your lives together.

And then there's ZRT's final lines, QFT here:

Are you "sub material?" That's up to you to decide - and your partner.
Click to expand...

I want to be roughed up and dominated a lot more than my partners have accommodated in the past. They all seem to back off past a certain point. It just wasnt their thing.
 
Tawny_Temptress said:
I want to be roughed up and dominated a lot more than my partners have accommodated in the past. They all seem to back off past a certain point. It just wasnt their thing.
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Then you need to find partners with more experience in BDSM. I suggest finding a local munch group and getting in with some people who are perhaps a bit more "hard core" than you find in the average singles bar or office.
 
Sir_Winston54 said:
Then you need to find partners with more experience in BDSM. I suggest finding a local munch group and getting in with some people who are perhaps a bit more "hard core" than you find in the average singles bar or office.
Click to expand...

I have never actively sought a boyfriend/lover, it has always just happened for me. :eek:


What are these groups like? I mean, is it a total pick up sort of thing?
 
Tawny_Temptress said:
I have never actively sought a boyfriend/lover, it has always just happened for me. :eek:


What are these groups like? I mean, is it a total pick up sort of thing?
Click to expand...

Munch groups are just where you meet people who are interested in BDSM. It's just like anywhere. Some people meet people that they may date and some don't. It's just a group of people who hang out on occasion because they share an interest.
 
ultramarineblue said:
Munch groups are just where you meet people who are interested in BDSM. It's just like anywhere. Some people meet people that they may date and some don't. It's just a group of people who hang out on occasion because they share an interest.
Click to expand...

TY!

I actually found on via google and it seems low key. They meet every month.
 
Tawny_Temptress said:
I have never actively sought a boyfriend/lover, it has always just happened for me. :eek:
Click to expand...

Take time and shop around for somebody who provides what you want in a relationship.

Set some standards, but bear flexibility in mind- a working relationship is never like the fantasy, and when you arrive at what you feel are your desires, you may find that they're not quite what you wanted, or what you thought they'd be. Don't straitjacket yourself into a laundry list, in other words. But by all means, have standards and a mental list of conditions for what you want in the person you want to rough you up.
 
Tawny_Temptress said:
TY!

I actually found on via google and it seems low key. They meet every month.
Click to expand...

I feel more comfortable around the people I hang out with in the munch group than I do with a lot of people I've known much longer. It is very low key. The group I meet with also has a sister group that sponsors parties. We haven't had many parties lately because of lack of a place to have them. I've been able to learn a lot though.
 
Missgeorgi said:
my thought is should you not trust every guy you are with???
Click to expand...

I guess I didnt write that correctly. I have to trust a man to have sex with him, period. However, in-order for me to want them to dominate me it has to be, for lack of a better term, a deeper trust.

Disclaimer: I have had one night stands in my past, I didnt trust them past the basics and would have probably used a fire arm if they tried to dominate me.
 
ZRT said:
Take time and shop around for somebody who provides what you want in a relationship.

Set some standards, but bear flexibility in mind- a working relationship is never like the fantasy, and when you arrive at what you feel are your desires, you may find that they're not quite what you wanted, or what you thought they'd be. Don't straitjacket yourself into a laundry list, in other words. But by all means, have standards and a mental list of conditions for what you want in the person you want to rough you up.
Click to expand...

I guess that is it. I have all kinds on 'mental lists' and I am not real sure what needs to be involved when it comes to domination, yet. I can tell you that if I do meet someone, neither sex nor domination would come quickly.
 
ultramarineblue said:
I feel more comfortable around the people I hang out with in the munch group than I do with a lot of people I've known much longer. It is very low key. The group I meet with also has a sister group that sponsors parties. We haven't had many parties lately because of lack of a place to have them. I've been able to learn a lot though.
Click to expand...

I dont know if all of the BDSM people are less judgmental, but the folks here sure seem to be, so I can see how you would be more comfortable if it is the same in real life.
 
Tawny_Temptress said:
I guess that is it. I have all kinds on 'mental lists' and I am not real sure what needs to be involved when it comes to domination, yet. I can tell you that if I do meet someone, neither sex nor domination would come quickly.
Click to expand...

That's the smartest way to approach it.

This stuff is dangerous on both sides of the game.

So am I right in guessing that your real question is along the lines of 'I don't submit to people in day to day life, and I don't sub for a guy the first time out, and I haven't found the guy I want to dominate me in the way I want, am I really a sub?'

What it amounts to is that you have a real and earnest desire to be submissive, apparently. So yeah, you're a sub like I said before. You can basically table that issue I think, and instead of worrying about that take a critical look at your process for getting into relationships.

I dont know if all of the BDSM people are less judgmental, but the folks here sure seem to be, so I can see how you would be more comfortable if it is the same in real life.
Click to expand...

Eh, it's kind of a byproduct of having a loosely moderated environment. Where there aren't more stringent rules and enforcement to keep a certain standard, people will tend to clique up and enforce their own law. I'll certainly agree that there's a bit of hair-trigger around here, the subject matter is virtually guaranteed to draw a regular stream of losers, creeps, and weirdos. So it's understandable.
 
ZRT said:
That's the smartest way to approach it.

This stuff is dangerous on both sides of the game.

So am I right in guessing that your real question is along the lines of 'I don't submit to people in day to day life, and I don't sub for a guy the first time out, and I haven't found the guy I want to dominate me in the way I want, am I really a sub?'
Click to expand...

You nailed it!

What it amounts to is that you have a real and earnest desire to be submissive, apparently. So yeah, you're a sub like I said before. You can basically table that issue I think, and instead of worrying about that take a critical look at your process for getting into relationships.
Click to expand...
I have been curious and interested in being a sub for over 20 years, I just repressed it.



Eh, it's kind of a byproduct of having a loosely moderated environment. Where there aren't more stringent rules and enforcement to keep a certain standard, people will tend to clique up and enforce their own law. I'll certainly agree that there's a bit of hair-trigger around here, the subject matter is virtually guaranteed to draw a regular stream of losers, creeps, and weirdos. So it's understandable.
Click to expand...

I just think the people in the BDSM area are easier to talk to and seem to not be as judgmental.
 
Tawny_Temptress said:
You nailed it!

I have been curious and interested in being a sub for over 20 years, I just repressed it.





I just think the people in the BDSM area are easier to talk to and seem to not be as judgmental.
Click to expand...

Wow...good to see you!

:rose: :kiss:
 
Tawny_Temptress said:
You nailed it!

I have been curious and interested in being a sub for over 20 years, I just repressed it.
Click to expand...

Now you're not repressing it. You should by all means dive into exploring it. Just be careful, like you sound like you already are.

I just think the people in the BDSM area are easier to talk to and seem to not be as judgmental.
Click to expand...

Ah, misread you. We have our moments when we club people, and folks occasionally complain about it. That's what I thought you were saying, basically.

I don't hang around other sections, hell I barely have time to keep up with this one some weeks, so I can't speak to those places.
 
I'll fuck at whim, but it took me about a decade for one person I was with to elicit a submissive response. I've never had the requisite confidence in anyone who also had the gestalt of someone who could dominate me. I trust M with life and limb, but he's totally NOT alpha in relation to me. I trust H with life and limb, but likewise, there's no question who's in charge. With T, I always *could* switch, I am Dominant to him whenever I want. But I suddenly had this desire to NOT want and NOT be.

I've never been really interested in submitting in the abstract, and it just worked. My sense of identity is still pretty much that I'm Dominant, so I don't really spend that much time with the "you aren't really submissive" stigma. I'm like "you're right, with you I'm not."

Take as much freaking time as you want, IMO. Some people are really unguarded and really forward with submission and really eager to play with and serve and please without a big head drama attached to it. Thank God - I like that as a Domme. But sometimes it's a decade-long thing.
 
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Tawny_Temptress said:
So, am I really sub material?
Click to expand...

Sir_Winston54 said:
Are you "sub material?" That's up to you to decide - and your partner.
Click to expand...

QFT :)


There are as many different type of submissive and submissions as the women that embrace it. Find what works for you. And do not get stuck on a label. You might be overall submissive but still a Sadist, or not into service and yet not a Switch, you could be an overall Dominant that is also masochist and enjoys getting beat up by her sub and still not be a Switch. Or you could be a Switch that switch within the same relationship. Or sub with some and Dom with other kind of Switch.

Find your the shape of your snowflake and enjoy it.

:)
 
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